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The air between them has been weird lately. Yushi can sense it, a sort of invisible force that stretch their relationship apart. It starts happen during the middle of their Asia tour. Yushi is aware of it for the first time when he notices how Riku suddenly stop initiating skin ship with him. It’s subtle at first, something that small, like holding hand when they walk. But then one thing become two and suddenly everything just stops.
Riku avoids Yushi’s hands whenever they’re close enough to brush, he pretends to be busy with his phone when they’re alone together in a room, he stops sitting next to Yushi during car rides. Then there’s that time when they eat together with the whole staffs and managers–Riku was about to sit on one of the two empty seats left, only to switch spot with Sakuya as soon he saw that Yushi is about to take the empty seat next to him. Nobody notices it of course, but Yushi did.
Riku stops spending time with him and prefer to be by himself, or when he does want to do something like go out take a night walk in their stopping city, shopping or try a local restaurant—he always picks Daeyoung, Ryo, but not him. Yushi is the last option.
Riku no longer give him his full attention and it stings.
It pissed Yushi off.
Normally, Yushi is okay whenever a member need space. He doesn’t make a big deal of it. Out of all people, he knows it all too well what it’s like when things get too suffocating. He had been there throughout the five years of his training. The tour takes a big impact on all of them, not to mention the variety schedules in between that had them go fly back and forth from one country to another.
Everyone is overwork, everyone barely rest, tired body create a hectic mind.
But the last person he wants for that to happen to is Riku. He doesn’t like that Riku slowly become distant, seemingly out of reach, he hates that Riku is only doing it to him.
He has no problem holding Daeyoung’s hand, he has no problem eating with Sion, he has no problem sitting between the maknaes during plan rides. So why, why does Riku have a problem doing it with him?
Yushi can’t contain the jealousy seeping through his skin every time he spots Riku alone with someone that’s not him. It’s eating his inside, gnawing at his flesh, darkening his mind.
He feels crazy.
Maybe Yushi already is.
If Riku can make him feel wanted, he could also make Yushi feel less.
Yushi forces himself to bear through it. There’s still a small hope inside his pathetic heart that once the tour is over, everything will be back to normal. They’ll be okay again.
It’s them anyway; Yushi and Riku.
Three days after the tour is over, his fear comes true.
Nothing changes. Riku still avoid him, still maintaining distance with him. Yushi starts to believe that maybe this is his fault, maybe he did something wrong that he wasn’t aware of—something that makes Riku act this way.
He lies awake every night try to remember.
Even if Yushi did something, it’s unfair that instead of talking to him about it, Riku just choose to ignore him. They never fight before, even if they do Riku said it himself that he will talk it out with him. But look at him now, scatter away like a scared mouse the minute Yushi is in his space.
None of this makes sense. Riku is never like this, this behaviour so unlike him that it worries Yushi. He thoughts about talking this with Sion to have a better understanding, maybe Sion knows something he don’t. Sion is everyone’s safe place anyway. (Once upon a time he thoughts he is Riku’s safe place. Guess he’s wrong at that). Yushi had enough. He wants to see it with his own eyes first. He wants to try and coax an answer out of Riku, he’s not gonna let this affect their relationship more.
It's a good thing they all still live in the same dorm together. Makes it easier for Yushi to confront him.
So, on the next morning he wakes up earlier than usual. He knows that Riku have to wake up early too for his solo schedule. Yushi bites his nail as he waits for the older to wake up, he pace around their kitchen nervously. Clock ticking. Cars honking somewhere in the distance. The sun rising slowly in the background.
Eventually, he hears a soft click. Then a short moment later, Riku’s door room is open. Yushi gulps before he turns around.
Riku walks out, dark hair in a tangled mess, eyes half close, he always looks younger in the morning light; so soft and bare like this.
Yushi’s heart ache.
He just realizes how much he misses him.
Riku stops in his track, startled to see someone in the kitchen. His expression more awake now when he recognizes it’s Yushi.
“Morning,” Yushi says softly, and shifts awkwardly when Riku continue to just stand there.
“Morning,” Riku finally says, the word came out more like a whisper.
Yushi takes a tentative step forward. “So, uhm…” he fiddles with his sleeves, gaze meeting the older. “I need to ta–”
Riku cuts in before Yushi can say anything more. “I need to go to the bathroom,” he says.
Yushi blinks. “Oh.” He backs away to the counter again, the surface digging hard to his skin. “Can that wait for just a minute? We need to talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
Yushi’s brows furrows. “Yes. There is. You’ve been avoiding me.”
Riku sighs heavily, dragging a hand down his face. “Yushi. It’s early. I have somewhere to go.”
Yushi quickly block Riku’s path to the bathroom, but still keeping a distance. He doesn’t remember when’s the last time they stand face to face like this.
“Stop running away,” Yushi says, desperation heavy in his voice. “Can you just talk to me. Did I do something wrong?”
“You didn’t do anything.”
Riku is the world’s worst liar.
“Don’t give me that bullshit, Riku.” he can feel his eyes starts to sting. He hates this. He doesn’t want to cry, but Riku just makes it harder for him. “Something must’ve happened. I’m.… I’m trying to fix it. But I don’t know what to fix because you won’t talk to me.”
“You can’t fix everything.” Riku’s voice comes out cold, detached.
Ouch. Yushi is out here making an effort and what Riku do is play the asshole card instead.
Yushu has his pissed off face on now, a slight shift in his eyebrows from furrow to downturn. “What is wrong with you.”
Riku’s lack of response only makes Yushi seething in his spot.
“You hate me?” he finally asks the question that’s been buggering his mind. That seems to be the only logical explanation here.
Riku’s expression falls immediately, glass shards sitting in his throat as a weight threaten to pull him to the floor. He’s dragging Yushi down with him, he’s hurting the only person in the world he had promise not to hurt. But he can’t tell him why. He can’t.
“Of course not,” Riku says. “I’m just… I need space right now.”
Yushi wants to laugh. “The others didn’t give you space, it’s only me. You’re only doing this to me,” he says bitterly.
A sound of door opening. Someone wakes up.
Riku casts Yushi one last look before he brushes past him into the bathroom, and then he’s gone.
A week later, they’re getting ready to prepare for a mini album comeback. Everyone already get use with the drill by now; meeting to discuss about the new concept, going in and out of the recording studio for days, trying out different style, learn another new choreography, practice, preparing--and as each day passes by, everyone is such in high spirit.
It’s exhilarating.
It should be.
New album, new songs to perform, new record to aim.
But just as Yushi stands in the dance practice room, bone-tired, there’s nothing but a hollow-bitterness feeling lodged inside him instead.
He’s staring at the mirror.
He’s staring at Riku behind him.
Riku’s shirt is clinging tight to his skin with sweats from hours of dancing, his black hair damp and face flush pink from exhaustion. Despite it all, he’s still smiling. He can still joke around with Daeyoung who’s currently whispering something in his ears. Riku scrunches his nose before he pushes the younger away and giggle.
He fucking giggle.
Yushi physically feels his chest tighten, something thick is closing on his throat, making him harder to breathe. Their dance coach explaining something at front but his voice sound so far away to his ears, all Yushi can focus on is Riku.
“And I think it’s better if we ditch the spinning move after the second chorus,” Sion says, voicing out his idea. “It’s a bit hard to get into blocking position after that.”
Yushi watches Daeyoung bending his legs halfway down so that Riku can lean on his shoulder, and when he does, the smile Riku give is so bright it punctures a hole into Yushi’s jealous heart.
Yushi’s fists clenching by his side, nails digging hard into the skin. If his nails were long he pretty sure there would be blood dripping to the floor right now.
“Okay. We can work that out, sure,” their coach easily agrees.
Daeyoung pokes Riku’s waist and grin goofily when Riku flinch.
Sion runs a hand through his hair. “As for the duet part, Ryo and Sakuya should move in–”
Daeyoung wraps his hand loosely around Riku’s waist, fingers touching the exposed skin.
“That’s doable,” their coach nods. Again.
Riku drapes a hand over Daeyoung’s shoulder.
Sion grins. “I really like the closing part though hyung.”
Their coach pats Sion in the back. “I’m happy, and yo—"
Daeyoung’s hands still wraps around Riku. He still touching him.
Yushi sees red.
That’s the last straw.
“Can you two fucking knock it off!” Yushi’s outburst silence the whole room.
Everyone is stunned.
Ryo startled, his head jerking up from where he’s sitting on the floor. Sakuya has his mouth fall open beside him, he looks around as if to make sure what he heard is real. He even searching for something, anything, a hidden camera maybe, because at least it’s more believable to think that this is a prank and not Yushi lose his temper. Sion is no different, he’s staring at Yushi with something close like fear for the first time.
It’s not in Yushi’s nature to shout like that, even if he got mad, he never shouts at the members before, like ever. But hot jealousy already clouds his mind and his self-control slip away. Yushi doesn’t think straight. He needs to let all this pent-up frustration out.
Yushi ignores the looks everyone is giving him. He turns around instead, directing his glare towards Daeyoung and Riku.
“Sion hyung is speaking and you two didn’t bother to listen. Too busy being all over each other,” he grits, the words spit out in disgust.
Daeyoung shrinks away under his gaze, head hanging low, looking like a kicked puppy. The tiny rational part of him knows that he’s being mean, that Daeyoung doesn’t deserve to be at the end receiving of his anger. He diverts his glare towards Riku then.
Riku takes a step forward. “What,” he says it way too calmly, yet the way he rolls his shoulders up is anything but.
Yushi didn’t waver. “You heard me.”
Riku’s mouth twitch slightly, dark eyes taunting Yushi to do more.
“Ushi…” Sion worriedly steps in, using his body to block Riku from Yushi’s line of vision.
Yushi jerks his hand away when Sion attempted to grab him as he pushes past the leader, walking straight towards Riku, meeting him eye to eye. Riku doesn’t look mad. Yushi hates that he still keeps a composure, he wants the older to scream at him, fight him, anything. He just wants Riku to do something to him.
He’s going to do everything he can to make that happen.
“It’s rude not to listen when your leader is speaking. Pay attention next time, hyung.” It’s mocking the way Yushi just calls him that. He feels a satisfaction when it causes a slight scowl to form on Riku’s face.
“W-we weren’t being inattentive, Yushi hyung. We’re still listening.” Daeyoung is trying to explain his reason, but the way he words it sounds like he’s defending Riku too and it just tick Yushi off more.
“Don’t lie, Daeng-ah. I see everything.”
“And what exactly did you see?” Riku tips his chin up. When Yushi doesn’t say anything, he let out a low chuckle.
Yushi’s jaw tightens. “That you’re being disrespectful,” he jabs a finger at Riku’s chest and Riku staggers back slightly from the force. He gapes in shock that Yushi has the nerve to do that, but Yushi is not done. “Sion hyung was explaining his opinions, putting his ideas in to make the choreography easier, better. The least you can do is listen.”
“Are you being serious?” Riku closes the remaining distance between them in one stride. “Don’t act like you were listening too. You were too busy watching me,” he whispers the last word, breath tickling Yushi’s face.
Yushi involuntary shudders, his gaze flit down to Riku’s lips for a mere second.
“Fuck you,” Yushi says, yet it comes out so weak.
Riku’s face twisted in pain, before it hardens. “Watch your mouth.”
Their coach put his hands in front of their chest and push them away from each other before they can start fighting for real. “Stop it you two!” he exasperatedly says. “Take a fifteen minutes break and cool down, or we’re gonna take this to your manager and believe me that’s not gonna come out good for either of you.”
Yushi casts a glance at their coach and knows that he’s being mad serious.
Riku scoffs. He turns around, grabs his phone from his bag then walk out without utter any words. The door slamming loud behind him.
Sion sighs, watching him leave. He turns towards Yushi. “Yushi, what was that?” he asks, frustrated at both of them, but Yushi can tell that the disappointment is more directed at him.
Yushi didn’t answer. He doesn’t know either. He’s just lost control. Riku just makes him so so mad.
“Sorry,” is all he can says before walking out.
The car ride back to the dorm is painful.
None of them say any words, none of them look at each other.
The moment they step inside the threshold, Riku rushes straight into his bedroom. Everyone didn’t comment, they just let him.
Sakuya opens his mouth, wanting to ask what is actually going on—but Sion shakes his head, signalling him a look. He frowns but relent anyway, then he let Ryo drags him away into their shared room.
Yushi is still taking off his shoes by the foyer, his movements deliberately slow.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Sion asks.
“It’s unnecessary,” he answers. Sion already has so much to carry. “I’ll work this out. Don’t worry.”
Sion is not fully convince, after what happened today, his leader side urge him to meddle in. But Sion is also a patient man, and the trust he has in Yushi can’t be describe with words. He knows him the longest, they’ve been through tougher situation together, so he knows when Yushi said he’ll handle it—he will.
“Okay. Just, please don’t lash out like that again. Coach agreed to keep this a secret between us.” Sion walks closer, his figure looming over where Yushi still crouch down on the floor. “Ushi. I don’t know what is going on between you and Riku, I’ve never seen you two like this before. Please don’t give me a reason to be scared.”
Yushi sucks in deep breathe. “You won’t hyung.” He stands up and smiles.
Sion smiles back, although his smile looks more real than Yushi’s. Sion squeezes Yushi’s shoulder, once, twice, before he walks away into his own room.
Yushi stands there for a moment.
There are lights coming in from behind him. When he turns around, Daeyoung is still standing outside the entrance, a sorrow looks on his face. He’s been standing there the whole time, afraid if he does anything he’s just going to mess up things more.
Fuck. Yushi really feels bad for taking out his anger at him.
“Daeyoungie. I’m sorry I lost my temper at the practice. I wasn’t mad at you, you’re just happen to be... there.”
Daeyoung steps inside, closing the door behind him. “It’s okay, hyung. You don’t have to say it. I already forgive you.”
Daeyoung is always kind, always understanding, always the one volunteering to take a blame if the group is in trouble. He takes care of everyone the most beside Sion. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.
Yushi steps forward and pulls Daeyoung in a hug. Daeyoung instantly melt, he wraps his arms around him and Yushi’s heart feels lighter.
“Don’t worry hyung,” he says. “Whatever it is, it will be okay.”
Yushi wants to cry. He pulls away instead, give Daeyoung a pat on the shoulder that comes out kind of awkward and both of them end up giggling about it a little, but he feels better now.
It will be okay.
He repeats the words in his head later that night, laying in his bed, Daeyoung’s soft snores fills their shared room.
Yushi stares at the ceiling, then he closes his eyes hard until the darkness morph into faces of the people he closest to. His family. His members. His friends. Then he thinks about the people he loves and the faces that comes to him still the same; family, members, friends. Until he sees honey skin, eyes crinkle up like a cat, wide smile with dimples adorning the cheeks and Yushi feels that familiar rush.
Yushi sees Riku.
The world shift into focus again.
Yushi gets up carefully, he casts a glance at Daeyoung sleeping form as he slowly opens the door. The dorm is dead silent. It’s dark, only the light from the moon coming in through the windows.
Riku’s door is unlocked when Yushi twists it open.
He walks in, and he sees a silhouette of Riku sitting on his bed, fully awake. The older looks up at him, expression unreadable in the dark lit room.
Yushi steps closer until he’s standing right at the foot of the bed. His heart beating rapidly, nervous to be alone with Riku after so long.
“What are you doing here Yushi?” Riku asks, voice tinged with exhaustion.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
Riku lets out a breath that sounds more like a soft scoff at that. He turns on the lamp by his bedside table, the one Yushi gifted for him for Christmas last year. Orange light instantly glows at his face. Riku’s hair is in disheveled state like he ran a hand through it plenty of times, there’s dark bags sitting under his eyes, adding more tiredness to his face. He’s handsome even when he’s a mess.
“You shouldn’t be here. It’s late.”
“I’m not leaving,” Yushi says stubbornly. Mad at me again Riku. Anything as long as you don’t ignore me. “You could try to drag me out of your room, but I won’t go down without a fight.”
“I know,” Riku says, a small defeated sigh left his lips. “What was that all about, hmm, at the practice. You were acting unusual.”
Yushi looks away from Riku’s intense gaze. “I’m not the only one who’s acting unusual,” he says.
Riku takes the jab. “So that is what it’s all about then. The whole lash out thing. Because you want to get back at me?”
“Because I miss you!” Yushi almost shout. He’s way beyond caring anymore. “You’re so selfish Riku. If you have problem with me, you talk to me about it. Instead you push me away, avoiding me, treating me differently, like I’m a spare option in your life. You put me in the dark and leave me wondering what I did wrong. It’s unfair. I try to make things right, god I did so many times, but no matter what I do you’re just—” his voice breaking, vision start to blurry. Yushi exhales to calm himself down. “I just want you back.”
Riku doesn’t move.
Yushi wants to rip his hair out. Riku is doing it again, he’s trying to block off all emotions, pretend that he doesn’t feel anything. But no matter how he perfected his mask–Yushi can still see the tiny crack, a flicker of something, like a tick on the jaw, a small twitch on the lips, the way his eyes linger on Yushi. He doesn’t understand why Riku feel the need to hold himself back.
“Can we just be us for a moment, just tonight,” Yushi pleads. He walks closer and Riku’s eyes are training on him. “No fighting. No arguing. No pretending. Just the real us, like how we used to be.” When he stops right beside him, the older looks up at him with those sad eyes. Yushi holds back an urge to touch his hair and fix the messy knots.
They see each other every day but why does it feel like Riku is not really here with him.
“I really miss you Riku.”
Riku is breathing heavily, his hands balls into a fist by his side, he’s fighting himself not to surrender to Yushi’s whiny voice and his doe eyes. I miss you too.
“Riku,” he whispers.
“Don’t.” Riku’s jaw clenches. “I can’t be that to you again.”
Yushi frowns at that. Riku stands up suddenly and Yushi staggers back, his feet almost tripping. Like this, Riku stands a few inches taller than him.
“I’m sorry Yushi. But you really really need to go.”
“Fuck that! I’m not leaving.”
“Language,” Riku chides.
Yushi scoffs. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what I did.”
Riku looks tired, and he’s getting weak every time he sees the broken expression on Yushi’s face. “I told you. You didn’t do anything.”
Yushi has never been the type to go for physical, but right now he really wants to shove Riku by the shoulders, shake him, shake some sense into him.
“If not me, then what is it?” He grabs Riku’s hand and the older flinch, so he grips it tighter to make Riku can’t pull his hand away. “You can’t keep doing this, okay. I won’t let you. Tell me what’s wrong. Please.”
Riku is torn. The air is squeezing his lungs, his chest burns like he’s drowning ten thousand feet deep in the ocean, hands trembling. But Yushi is right here and he’s warm, he’s rubbing Riku’s palm in his hold. The walls slowly cracking down.
“It’s not you, Yushi. It’s me. I’m the problem,” he croaks. “I can’t control this–” Riku points at his chest, right where his heart is.
Yushi doesn’t understand.
“Riku what do you mean?”
Riku’s mouth lifts up into a sad smile. “I can’t control what I feel for you,” he says and looks away, like he’s ashamed. “I try not to. But it’s so hard when I see you every day and you’re everywhere, in my head, in my dreams, the first thing I thought of in the morning. I know that this is wrong. I’m trying to move on. It’s why I have to do those things.”
Yushi can’t move, his limbs feel heavy. Riku retracts his hand back.
It never occurs to him that this turn out to be the reason why Riku has been acting so different lately. Riku likes him? For how long? How long has he been hiding this, since when does his heart change. All these unanswered questions–these thoughts–are too fast for him, Yushi feels dizzy. The world is spinning. But weirdly so, he’s also happy. Riku likes him.
“And what about me,” Yushi says with a strain voice. “You’re not gonna give me a chance to have a say in all this, about what I feel?”
“It won’t matter anyway. They’re not gonna let us.” Riku’s eyes softens. “You’re important to me Yushi. But this thing is dangerous, it could ruin us, it could ruin the team–it could ruin our career. All the hard work we build together. If the company find out, there’s a lot of risks at stake and I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You already did.”
Riku falters, a part of him dies inside. “I’m sorry.”
Yushi doesn’t want his apology. He just wants.… he just misses Riku, miss the way how things used to be, he misses them.
“You don’t get to do this.” Yushi shakes his head. “You don’t get to decide it on your own, not when I’m in it.”
“Yushi I have to,” he begs for the younger to understand. This is hard for him too. “Can’t you see, I’m trying not to fuck everything up.”
This feels like a heartbreak. No. This is worse than a heartbreak. This is Riku walking away without giving Yushi a chance, this is him quitting, this is him trying to erase his own feelings–his feelings for Yushi. It’s nightmare. Yushi’s gonna spend the rest of his band years with Riku being distant. Everything is not gonna be the same anymore.
“Please understand Yuu-chan. I just need space to deal with my feelings.”
The nickname only hurt him more.
“You think that’s going to work?” Yushi blinks his tears away. “Your plan is stupid. You need me Riku—as much as I need you. If you care about me, even for a little, you wouldn’t do this. I rather have you actually hate me instead. You could pretend all you want but you’re a terrible liar.” Yushi walks closer, legs a bit unsteady. “Look at me and tell me that you really want this.”
Hesitation flashes in Riku’s eyes.
“Look at me and say that this is better than actually being with me?”
“Yushi–” Riku staggers back like he’s been hit. “What are you….”
The smile that comes to his face is easy. “You acting distant makes me miss you like crazy, and I realizes that I like you Riku. Because what else there is if not love?” he chuckles wetly. “I’ve never wants someone so badly like this. You’re all I think about. I can’t handle you being so far away, this past month has been worse than a torture. I need you, Riku. Please don’t erase me from your heart.”
Riku watches the tears roll down Yushi’s cheeks, he wipes it away with his thumb. Then he cradles Yushi’s face in his palms. Yushi leans into the familiarity of his warmth.
“I’m scared.” Riku says, sounding so vulnerable.
“It’s okay. I am too.”
Riku closes his eyes and a tear slip away. He leans his forehead down against Yushi’s. “What if this doesn’t end well?”
Yushi tilts up a little until their nose brush. “I rather try and fail with you than have to lie to my heart and pretend.”
“I’m sorry,” Riku whispers. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for acting selfish. I only want to protect you. “You deserve better than this Yuu-chan.”
Their gaze meet.
“I don’t want better,” Yushi says. “I just want you.”
Riku kisses him as the sun start to rise.
It’s a new day.