Work Text:
hua cheng wanted to die. again.
a week prior..
Walking around the city, Hua Cheng admired the architecture and sculptures scattered around. He had originally came to take a look at humans’ progressions, but he hadn’t expected them to actually have a brain and be like a a certain green ass hoe ugly bitch Qi fuckass fat Rong. Suddenly, something amidst the stores caught his eye. It was a sleek, modern looking thin device. Giving into his curiosity, he walked in and was shocked to see who greeted him.
“Welcome to- what the fuck.”
He Xuan stared at him with the most judgemental look that he could give without trillions of dollars being added to his debt. Hua Cheng —who remained seemingly unfazed— simply raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down.
“I thought you would be at home with your fiance?”
He Xuan jolted, “She’s making me work a job because apparently I’m not “locked in” to whatever the fuck people are doing these days. I wanna go home. Please take me back.”
Hua Cheng couldn’t have ever related less.
If his gege said to work for a day?
Done.
If his gege said to work for a month?
Done.
If his gege said to work for 5 years?
Done.
If his gege sai-
“LORD SAVE ME, THAT ASS!”
Turning around, Hua Cheng searched the room for whoever catcalled his ass (literally). Although, it didn’t take long as it was followed up with “ALL DAY AND NIGHT!”
What the fuck.
Looking down, he was surprised to notice a woman who seemed to be in her mid-20s. Hua Cheng watched as she took out one of those devices and tapped on it. Looking back at He Xuan, he asked, wait no he’s too cunty to ask, he demanded “Give me one.”
“A..phone? Hua fatass Cheng, do you..not have a phone??”
“Duh? I spend all my time with gege.”
“How the fuck did you play a part in defeating Jun Wu.”
He Xuan ended up giving Hua Cheng the phone whlist mumbling something about “better pay me for this damn hell”, but that didn’t matter! Returning back to Paradise Manor, he was prepared to work this thing out!
——
“San Lang…do you.. not know what a phone is?”
“Gege, why have a phone when I have you?”
Xie Lian loved his husband but Pei Ming save him for what he’s going through. How could he not have realised that Hua Cheng had spent so much time with him that he didn’t even know what a phone was??
“Ahahahaha….” fake ass laugh “I’ll help you set it up!”
After explaining everything to his husband, Xie Lian was finally relieved (thank god for him being a quick learner, unlike his shitty calligraphy skills. homie couldn’t even read it cause THE WHOLE PAPER WAS DYED BLACK) to know that his husband was at least up to par with the modern world. Listening to him talk about the art and architecture, Xie Lian knew that nothing could go wrong.
Right???
RIGHT???
WRONG YOU FUCKING DUMBASS.
Opening the Twixter app, the first thing he noticed was Hua Cheng’s name being first on fucking trending. Reading the most popular post, it said “I PRAY HES GAY ON GOD THIS MAN BETTER HAVE A DEEP SAD YAOI STORY”
While trying to process this, Xie Lian suddenly saw his husband enter the room holding his phone. He had expected a question about the features of it or the apps, but he fucking choked on air when he heard his husband finally speak.
“Gege, what does “until it crusts” mean?”
what the fuck.
“OH GOD.”
“Gege, which one??”
Xie Lian held his heads with his hands, panicking whilst trying to think of a valid response. Come on…Shi Qingxuan should’ve told me how to prevent this!!!
“Well you see its uhm a like a uh its a way to say that they really like the crust of bread!”
Xie Lian you stupid fuck he’s not gonna believe that shi-
“Oh, alright!”
HUA CHENG YOU STUPID FUCK.
———
After a couple of days, Hua Cheng quickly adjusted to social media and its disturbing presence. He had just finished a new sculpture of Xie Lian using PlayDoh (he ran out of clay) and decided to open his Twixter app to pass the time while waiting for Xie Lian to return home.
HORRIBLE CHOICE.
@HuaCheng’sDih
UNTIL HIS PORES TURN WHITE OHH MYY GAWWDD
[attatched photo: hua cheng leaning against a pole, waiting for xie lian]
@WOMENREPELLENT
I HATE HUA CHENG HE FORCE FED ME A FUCKING SPOONFUL OF XIE LIANS FUCKASS BROWN SHIT COLORED STEW.
@yilinglaozu
not as hot as lan zhan!!
@HuaCheng’sDih
Re @yilinglaozu: HO WHO’S LAN ZHAN AND HOW IS HE HOTTER THAN THIS MAN.
@ASTRIDUH
SOMEONE WRITE AN AO3 YAOI FANFIC OF HIM AND SOME OTHER GUY NOOOOOOOOOOW.
Jesus fuck.
Breathing out a sigh, Hua Cheng put his phone down onto the table and stood up. He knew just who to vent out his frustrations on!
———
“MY FUCKING DOO-“
“SQUARE UP.”
Mu Qing watched as Hua Cheng bursted into Feng Xin’s palace while he was — literally — sleeping with the other. Realising that he was too tired for this bullshit, he closed his eyes and drifted back to slumber
LIKE HELL HE DID.
Just before drifting asleep, Mu Qing felt the weight of a whole ass PALACE land onto him. Jolting back to reality, he realized it was just Hua Cheng’s fatass and realised that his entire mood was ruined. Thanking the other gods that Hua Cheng hopped off of him, he got up and headed for the kitchen.
Feng Xin brawled with Hua Cheng on the floor whilst Mu Qing sat with a cup of tea in his hands, watching them fight WWE style. Too bad for him though, cause Hua Cheng LAUNCHED himself up and when he landed back down, THE HEAVENS SHOOK.
Taking a deep breath (like his therapist had told him to), Mu Qing pressed two fingers to his temple and voiced out Xie Lian's spiritual communication password.
“Hoe come get your man at Feng Xin’s Palace.”
“Huh? Sure! Also, did you feel the ground shake just now?”
“Thats your man. Now come and get him or I’m crucifying you.”
Leaving the array, Mu Qing sat back and continued drinking his tea.
———
@ILoveGayMenKissing
I JUST SAW HUA CHENG WALKING WITH ANOTHER HOT ASS BEAUTIFULMAN??? CODE YAOI CODE YAOI!!
@FennecNews
Online Sensation Hua Cheng spotted walking with another man with looks just as good! Is this a secret lover, or just a mild misconception?
[photo of hua cheng smiling at xie lian, who’s showing him a picture of something too blurry for the camera to catch]
@HuaFUCKINGCheng
Re @FennecNews: That’s me and my husband of eight years. We’re happily married.
———
a week after..
Hua Cheng watched as paparazzi cameras surrounded him.
Kill me.
Observing the crowd, Hua Cheng noticed some familiar faces that he had met on the streets. However, one face was too familiar.
HE FUCKING XUAN, thought Hua Cheng, watching as the man had a shit eating grin while taking photos. Luckily enough, Hua Cheng isn’t THAT stupid, so he knew an extremely easy counter attack!!!Standing up straight, he began to pose for the camera like a damn ke ai C-Pop idol.
YES DIVA!!! GO DIVA!!! GO CHINESE OLD ASS BOY!! YOU'RE DOING IT!!!!!!
“Hua Cheng, do you have anything to say to your thirsty fans?”
“IM MARRIED 8 YEARS AND GAY AS SHIT HOE THE ONLY THING YOU CHOULD BE THIRSTY FOR IS A THERAPIST BITCH.”
“Hua Cheng, how did you feel about being known online for your dashing looks, even in negative temperatures?”
“Uhm, I expected it, obvi? HOT BITCHES DON’T GET COLD.”
“Hua Che-“
“Nuh uh, shhhhh….. quiet down….”
———
11:12 PM
ugly ass fish: [photo of a VERY uncomfortable and panicking hua cheng, who’s surrounded by the paparazzi]
huasscheng: and that’s $209584308549 added to your debt!