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People don't talk enough about how boring recovery is.
Maddie is sure that everyone who has been through a serious injury or surgery is aware of this fact, but they never talk or complain about it. Everyone talks about the demanding parts of recovering, not the seemingly mundane idea of boredom, but they should. If they did, Maddie could complain about how mind-numbingly boring it is to spend all day, every day in your home, unable to do anything fun or normal.
Sure, boredom isn't the only issue she's got at the moment. Her physical injuries were relatively minor—especially compared to Chimney—but there's a reason she's not thought about returning to work just yet. She hasn't slept through the night once, and the little sleep that she does get is fractured and insufficient. She's jumpy and anxious. When she's still for too long, or her mind wanders, she sees Doug's blood on her hands. Boredom is the only problem she thinks she can fix right now.
That's when hovering, annoying little brothers become useful.
Maddie appreciates that Buck hasn't left her side since she came home—it's the reason she's gotten any sleep at all—but he's been taking the mother-hen role to the extreme. He barely even lets her into the kitchen, which Buck says is because he wants to cook for her, but Maddie suspects is more to do with Buck's fear that the kitchen knives will trigger her. The only times he leaves are to fetch groceries or take out, or for his shifts. When Buck is working, he texts her between calls frequently enough that he might as well still be at home.
Still, he's her only connection to the world outside of her small, getting-better-by-the-day existence, and right now Maddie wants nothing more than a piece of that world. She's desperate for a little excitement and to talk about anything other than her fucked up life.
"I don't have any gossip, Maddie," Buck says, after Maddie begs for some news.
"How? I've met your friends, Buck. I know they're gossipers. There's always something going on with you guys."
"I don't know what to tell you, we're all very boring and normal at the moment."
Maddie rolls her eyes at the obvious lie. "Fine. No gossip at the 118. What about you? How are things going with what's her name?"
"You know her name is Ali."
"It slipped my mind. Maybe I'd remember it if I met her." Maddie gives him a look, and Buck gives her one back. He's not giving in to the eldest sibling guilt trip, apparently.
"She's not in LA that often, I've told you that."
"And you're fine with that?"
Buck shrugs. He's sprawled out on the couch next to her, and frankly sounds bored by the whole conversation. "We hang out when she's in LA, and we have fun."
This is not the kind of distraction Maddie wanted. She wants gossip.
"What about Eddie? Howie said that Eddie's wife is back?"
"Ugh, no." Buck's nose wrinkles, and Maddie's spidey senses are tingling. This is where the gossip is. She knew there had to be some. "I mean, yeah. Shannon is back in town. But she's not Eddie's wife. They're getting a divorce."
"Oh, that's a shame. They're really not getting back together?" She was sure Chimney mentioned something about her storming into the station, talking about a kiss.
"No," Buck says firmly, then immediately barrels into an explanation as though Maddie is going to argue his assessment of the situation. "Eddie’s gay, for one thing. And anyway, I’ve met her." There's that annoyed twist to his face again. Buck's already more animated about this topic than he had been about Ali, making it clear that he has stronger feelings about Eddie's ex-wife than he does his girlfriend. She files away the information about Eddie, as well. "Even if Eddie was into women, I don’t think she’s the type of person who would be good for him."
"What do you mean?" Maddie asks. She's getting invested now that Buck is finally getting on board. Maybe she should open a bottle of wine, as well.
"Eddie takes on too much, and he needs someone to share the load, not add to it." Buck sits up as he talks and begins to wave his hands. "He needs someone reliable, supportive. He needs someone he can have fun with as well, though." Now he's pointing at Maddie, as though she's disagreeing with him. "I know he and Shannon aren’t in a good place right now, and maybe they used to have fun. But Eddie, I don’t know, he can be silly when he wants to be. He’s never like that with her."
There's a tickle in the back of her mind, and the words 'boy crush' float up again. Maybe she'd been closer to the truth than she'd realized. Maddie definitely needs to get the wine.
"Wow, you’ve thought about this a lot," she says, as neutrally as possible.
"Yeah, well, we’ve been spending a lot of time together. H-He’s kind of my best friend." Buck's cheeks grow pink at the admission. "I don’t think I’ve ever had a best friend before." Then he swallows his embarrassment as quickly as it appears and flashes Maddie a dopey grin. "Except you, of course."
Maddie's chest tightens with something other than panic for the first time in days. "I'm glad you've found a friend like Eddie. It's sweet." She means it genuinely. Buck likes to say that Abby pushed him to grow up, but Maddie doesn’t buy it, not as the sole reason anyway. Buck did it himself, with Bobby’s guidance, Hen and Chim’s care and teasing, and the responsibility that being of service brings. Her reckless little brother has become a man while she wasn't looking. Now with Eddie, someone of a similar age but with a completely different life to Buck, he's blossomed even further. "He's probably grateful to have a friend like you right now. Divorce isn't easy, even when it's for the best."
"Yeah, and I've been doing what I can to help with his stress, you know? But it doesn't fix everything."
Maddie laughs softly, trying to imagine what kind of stress-busting techniques Buck knows. She can't really imagine him sitting still long enough for yoga—he's probably running Eddie ragged in the gym. "Oh, what, have you boys been having spa days without me?"
"Ha ha, maybe you can take him for his next birthday if you're so worried. No, it's regular stress-relieving stuff. You know." Buck looks at her and raises his eyebrow in a way that Maddie suspects is meant to convey something specific. Maddie has no idea what he's trying to say.
"If you're smoking weed with your buddy, you can just say that."
"No, Maddie, c'mon," Buck says with a laugh."They drug test firefighters, you know that."
"Then I don't know what you're talking about."
Buck rolls his eyes, like Maddie is being deliberately obtuse. "You should know how many endorphins an orgasm releases; it's the oldest stress relief in the book."
Whatever Maddie had been expecting, it wasn't that. Why didn't she get the wine before starting this conversation?
"So you and Eddie—" She gestures vaguely, unsure of what she's even trying to convey. "I didn’t realize you were—" She stops herself; Buck should be the one to tell her exactly what he is, right?
But now it's Buck's turn to look confused.
"I'm not anything. It's just helping out a friend. Stress relief," he says again, like it’ll make any more sense than it did the other times he said it.
"What about Ali?"
Buck gives her a weird look. "What about her?"
It takes everything in Maddie not to let her jaw drop. He's truly not seeing it.
"Let me get this straight—" Maddie winces."—you’re sleeping with Eddie, regularly?" At her raised eyebrow, Buck nods. "But you’re straight. Because this is stress relief."
Buck looks relieved that she's finally getting it. "Exactly. Maybe it’s just a guy thing? It’s really not unusual."
"Maybe," she says noncommittally. "So Eddie isn’t the first guy you’ve. Uh. Helped?"
"Oh no. Definitely not." There’s a hint of smugness in Buck’s voice that Maddie absolutely does not want to examine. She's morbidly curious about this 'stress relief' thing, but there are limits.
"And you, ah, get something out of it too?"
"Of course. It's a mutually beneficial thing. That’s the beauty of it. No more efficient way to relieve stress." There’s that phrase again. Maddie wonders which guy said that to Buck the first time. Someone at college? On his travels?
Maddie takes a deep, steadying breath.
"Buck, I love you, but this is ridiculous, even for you." Buck opens his mouth, but Maddie beats him to it. "No, don’t tell me this is a guy thing, and I’m just not understanding. I want you to listen to me and think about this. You’re telling me that you regularly have enjoyable sex with men, and you seek it out even. You’re always telling me about how handsome Eddie is. You said that the waiter from that Thai place we went to last month had a nice ass. Why exactly do you think you’re straight?"
Buck opens his mouth and closes it again. Laying it all out like that seems to have done the trick. Buck seems genuinely shocked.
"You chew on that for a second and let me go grab some wine."
By the time Maddie returns to the couch with two generous glasses of chardonnay, Buck's eyes are still wide and he keeps blinking.
"Maddie, I might an idiot." He takes one of the glasses from her and gulps some of it down. Maddie frowns at that—it's nice wine. "I'm not straight. How can I not know that?"
"You're not an idiot. Sometimes you're just to close to something to see it all."
He slumps against the couch and holds his wine glass against his chest. "I guess. Eddie probably thinks I'm stupid, though. I gave him the same spiel as you."
"I guarantee he doesn't think you're stupid." She squeezes his shoulder and he relaxes a little.
Maddie won’t say anything about the way Buck lights up when he talks about Eddie, or the way that he can’t help but smile whenever he thinks about him. She won’t ruin that discovery for him. Helping him with this, however, is a public service, and she feels absolutely no guilt.