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Morning light peaks in through the sheer hotel curtains. The sound of birds chatting outside the window becomes louder and louder as a long haired girl begins to stir.
Alluka hoists herself off of the soft down pillow, blinking the sleep from her eyes as she lets out a silent yawn. Her gaze sweeps across the room before landing on a familiar head of silver hair. And not a moment later his blue eyes meet hers.
“Oh good morning Alluka, I was just about to go get breakfast. Want me to bring you back anything?” He asks.
“I’m alright, I’ll just come down with you. I don’t even know what I want yet.” Alluka waves him off and lets her feet fall to the carpet. “Let me go get dressed, okay? I’ll be super quick I promise!”
Killua laughs “Sure sure that’s exactly what you said last time and then you took a whole half hour!” He retorts, earning himself a combination eye-roll and playful scoff from his sister.
After some complaints through the bathroom door about how Killua’s stomach was “eating itself” and he was going to “die of starvation.” The two finally made it into the elevator.
The pair find their way to a quaint little cafe down the street, hands clasped together. Killua sits them down in a booth near the window. Alluka always loved to people-watch. She was already staring out the window looking at the sidewalk and darting her eyes at all the passers-by.
The waitress stops by to take their orders. Alluka orders a parfait and an omelette, Killua orders a stack of chocolate chip pancakes.
“Big brother?” Alluka asks.
“Yeah?”
“Could I ask you something?” She turns to look at him.
“Sure, what is it?” Killua leans his back against the cushion and crosses his arms over his chest.
Alluka had recently started getting curious about the adventures her brother had while he was away.
They had reunited almost a year ago now there and since then there seemed to be something that troubled Killua greatly. The mischievous twinkle in his eyes had faded and it was hard for him to even force a smile. But he had tried for Alluka and Nanika. He had dedicated all his time and energy into giving them the love they’d lacked for so long. It seemed as though he was avoiding something.
Since then Killua had hardly spoke about his travels. He’d thrown a few names around in conversation. Leorio, Kurapika, Bisky, Ikalgo. But above all of them the one she’d heard the most emotion in his voice for was Gon. He’d mentioned a little here and there but lot a lot. His voice usually got tight when he talked about it so she never pressed further. But regardless it worried her.
But it had been many months since then. He’d smiled a lot more, laughed, and the spark in his eyes had slowly come back. Maybe she could try her luck again.
“What was it like?”
“What was what like?”
“Being with Gon.” She clarified “You don’t talk about him very much. But I know you spent a lot of time together.”
Killua’s whole body tensed like he’d just been caught stealing. His heart dropped deep into the pit his stomach and started chomping away at his gut. Shit.
“Sorry, I’m just curious is all.… is it too soon?”
Killua stilled his spinning thoughts and let out a low breath he fully dreaded releasing “No no, it’s okay.” Killua could feel everything in his bones screaming to let go of the conversation. It was not okay.
But how could he refuse to talk about his past for so long when his sister was giving him such a convincing expression. Those big blue eyes were so hard to say no to..
Killua sighed
“Being with Gon was… how do I put this…” He was mentally kicking himself for not being able to decide on a word.
“I only met him because we were the same age yknow. I thought he looked fun.”
“Yes yes, you’ve told me this part!”
“Yeah he was a crazy kid. Really never knew when to just quit.” Killua found himself chuckling “If he really wanted something he just wouldn’t budge on it. It was funny sometimes but a lot of other times it got pretty damn annoying.” His eyebrow twitched.
“But he was always really good at bringing a room of people together. I think I’ll ever understand how he was able to do that. He could just add so much color to a room.”
Alluka silently nodded, keeping her words to a minimum for fear of interrupting his thoughts.
“Oh! I don’t remember if I told you this part but he stopped by the house after I ran back home. You should’ve seen Mom. She was so pissed!!” He laughed “But I guess what I remember the most about all of that was the fact that he showed up just to come get me. That stubborn idiot made it through the first door with our other two friends Leorio and Kurapika.”
“Really?” Alluka’s eyes were wide. Like big pools staring right at Killua with pure enthrallment. And Killua hadn’t even got into the rest of it yet.
“Yeah really, after that we went pretty much everywhere together. We spent a lot of time training together, we always ate meals together. It was nice to have someone who was always right there to talk to… although he could get kind of irritating at times..” Killua sighed, shaking his head. He missed that about Gon. He missed everything he ever made Killua feel. The bad included, because at least those were feelings Gon himself had caused.
“We even went to his home on Whale Island to visit his aunt. He showed me around the whole place. That was a lot of fun.”
“Killua?”
That voice rang in his head. His voice. Garbled like distant radio frequencies but when he closed his eyes it was clear as day.
Gon turned to look at him from across the gentle crackle of a settling campfire.
“Do you have fun when we’re together?”
The stars had never looked more beautiful to him than they did then. All of nature seemed to be at peace for them that night.
When they got home and Killua had laid out the guest sheets he’d found himself climbing into Gon’s bed instead. It wasn’t all that bad but it was comfortable. Made from old copper springs and foam most of the modern mattresses lacked. Killua couldn’t help but fall asleep instantly.
When he woke up just a few hours later a weight had sunk the left side of the bed. And when he opened his eyes he was face to face with his best friend. Just a shy of touching noses.
There was no more space for Killua to move backwards. When he tried to scoot away his back met the wall and sounded a thud.
Gon groaned and stirred. Killua stiffened like a wooden board and sucked in a breath.
Damn it!
Then Gon’s hand shifted over and found his. It rested gently over his forearm before it traveled upwards and laid itself into Killua’s palm. Killua was locked in place hopelessly staring at Gon’s face.
Gon didn’t wake up. Or at least… Killua thought he didn’t. He didn’t notice the small restrained smile tugging on Gon’s lips.
“What else?” Alluka poked her spoon into the parfait in front of her. But her eyes were still fixed on her brother.
Killua looked happier when he was talking about Gon, it was like a half of him that he’d lost touch with coming home. It was nice to see him talking about something he cared about so much.
“Well we went into this game. His dad helped to create it. But turns out it was a real place. We trained a lot there with this old hag. You’d probably like her.” He giggled “But the game itself was really fun. We fought this guy his dad knew in a game of dodgeball. Ruined my hands in the process but I didn’t mind really. They got healed in the end anyway.”
The tingle in his hands was back.
“Hey Killua, it doesn’t hurt does it?” Gon had a look of guilt on his face akin to a dog that had just tore up his favorite pair of slippers.
“No not really.” He answered. Gon had taken Killua’s bandaged hands into his own. He swiped a gentle thumb over the gauze and pinched his brows just looking at them.
“I’m really sorry, Killua.”
“Hey, where’s this coming from?? I just told you it’s fine. Now quit acting like that!” Killua protested.
Gon lifted his hands up and pressed his lips to his palms. “There, it’s not much but now they can heal faster.” Gon then gave him a smile sweet enough to give him cavities.
“You idiot…” Killua muttered, his cheeks flushing hot as he yanked his hands away. Gon laughed
God he missed that laugh more than anything.
After they’d finished their breakfast, Killua paid their bill in cash and got up guiding Alluka out of the cafe. The two made their way back to the hotel.
The sunlight felt good, it the way it kissed his shoulders and the back of his neck. He’d bask forever in the warmth if it meant he didn’t get burned.
Alluka pressed the button to call the elevator and the two got on. Killua leaned against the metal railing on the wall.
“After we beat the game he decided he wanted to take me with him to meet his dad. But of course it wasn’t going to be so easy because the card brought us to someone else instead. Turns out Gon met him before.”
Killua unlocked the door and held it for Alluka. Killua plopped himself down on his bed and continued on with his story. Leaning back on his hands.
“Oh yeah he went on this date with this creepy woman and I followed them the entire time. I don’t think he had any idea.”
Killua ran his hand through his bangs brushing them back and letting them fall back to his forehead, touching the scar on his forehead where he had yanked the needle out.
Everything he felt was aired out during that fight to someone who’d become a deaf ear. Everything he realized he needed and wanted. Said into an abyss. He regretted not telling Gon he appreciated him more.
Alluka sat down beside him. “I’m sure somewhere he knew.” She reassured
Gon, you are light…
Killua closed his eyes and found himself feeling of a solid radiant warmth pressed to his shoulder. He ran his hand over his sleeve trying to hold desperately onto the ghost of this sensation. When he opened his eyes he was back in that hotel. He and Gon were leaned up against each other on the bed. their hands sat between them interlocked. Each finger finding their place nestled in between the perfectly spaced gaps.
Gon let out a soft sigh before shifting over and resting his head down on Killua’s shoulder. His weight leaned up on his body and the slow patterned feel of breath on his shoulder keeping him grounded from spiraling out of his thoughts.
If anything, at least they had this moment.
“Yeah, maybe he did. He was always oddly perceptive at the worst times. There’s a chance he knew.” Killua sighed
“A lot of the stuff after that was a total mess. He was really focused on saving Kite.”
The night before they’d executed the invasion was probably the most vivid of all his memories.
“Killua, whatever happens tomorrow night, just know I trust you.” Gon stated matter-of-factly.
“Gon. Why are you?-“
“We’ll get Kite back. We’ll fix him and things will be back to normal, and after we find my dad. You and I are gonna travel the whole world together. Just like we said. Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.”
There was a depth in Gon’s eyes that spelled out something else. Killua couldn’t name it. But he wasn’t telling the whole truth. It was like he knew already-
“Killua?” Gon whispered.
“Yeah?”
Suddenly, soft lips were pressed up to his own. There was a gentleness in his kiss. It felt like he was trying to pass his words through his lips without ever opening them to speak. The worst part was the fact that it ended too soon. Too late for Killua to reciprocate.
Gon bit down on the inside of his cheek and cursed into it “I’m really sorry Killua, I know that was really selfish I just-“
“Don’t…” Killua huffed “Don’t worry about it right now okay?”
“Killua…” Gon protested in a hushed voice.
“We can talk this out after tomorrow.”
“After tomorrow.”
I just couldn’t bear to see this through without you ever knowing
“And… well.” Killua’s heart sank miserably. He could feel his throat get tight as swallowing down his last few words felt like a pill. “you know the rest..”
Killua’s fingers balled silently into fists, pressing the nails deep into his palms. His eyes had glassed over and his face was tight with the vice grip of grief.
Alluka pulled Killua into hug. Whether he wanted it or not she was offering him the comfort. And for a second he hesitated but a squeeze reminded him to wrap his arms around her back and return the hug.
And suddenly he was shot full force back to the single worst day of his life.
Dead of night, the middle of the battle. There had been so much chaos. Killua had chased down the explosive glow for what felt like hundreds of miles. Barely growing closer even as he picked up his pace. But halfway there the pattern of evenly timed hits had stopped. Killua had to guess the rest of the way. And through the trees he finally arrived on the aftermath of what could only be a horror scene.
There on the ground laid and unmoving, vulnerable, and bloodied boy. His right arm was severed clean from his body.
Killua felt everything in his body turn to cold ash. Everything ached. Everything hurt. He wanted to hurl, to scream, to just wake up. Killua wished this was a memory he could forget. But it had been iron branded in his memory, scarring the deepest edges of his mind.
He had carried Gon all those miles back to the palace. His feet ached with every step and threatened to give out.
When he reunited with his teammates his knees buckled and his vision went fuzzy while he caught his breath.
“You have to.. you have to help him. His hearts still beating! Please..! It’s still..” Killua choked out. His fists white knuckling against the fabric of a torn and tattered tank top.
But no one moved. Palm had tears staining her cheeks. She saw everything.
“Why are you just standing there?!! Stop being useless and do something!!
“Killua, Killua, he’s gone. You need to let go.” Knuckle crouched down at his side “We can’t help you if you don’t let-“
“NO!! no he isn’t!!!” He spat, poison lacing his words. “He’s-“
“I’m sorry, Killua.”
It took almost the whole team to pry him off. And that still almost wasn’t enough. He thrashed around. Screaming. Kicking. Crying. But nobody listened to him or let him go.
Killua lost a lot more than just his voice that night.
And the blood all over his hands, his clothes. None of it belonged to himself. He remembered that burning metallic smell. And that smell lasted in his nose for weeks afterwards. It haunted every fiber of his being.
Waking up that following morning didn’t feel real. His hears rang and the tips of his fingers felt like hard static. The left side of the bed was painfully hollow and cold. And yet, Killua still reached out when he began to stir. But his fingers had met nothing but sheets.
That’s when he had realized that everything that had happened that night was not a dream.
And was quickly as he had begun to drown in his memories he’s brought back to reality by his sister’s softened voice.
“You loved him a lot, huh?”
Killua’s lips curl up just ever so slightly. But his eyes don’t follow.
“Yeah.”
“I do.”