Work Text:
[Shane Hollander is dressed in shorts and a tank top as he sits on a yoga mat in his backyard. Anya, his dog, shared with his husband, Ilya Rozanov, runs around in the background, a large stick in her mouth.]
Ilya: [off camera] How long is this going to take?
Shane: I dunno. Half an hour? Harris just said he needed a few different yoga poses. He’s highlighting what different players on the team do for exercise.
Ilya: So, I have to sit here and watch you narrate a whole yoga routine?
Shane: Yes.
Ilya: Being married is fun.
[Shane glares and flips off the camera. Anya can be heard barking happily.]
Ilya: Isn’t yoga supposed to make you calm? You do not seem very calm.
Shane: Let’s just get this over with.
Ilya: Now you are speaking my language.
Pose 1: Sukhasana
Shane: I personally like to do a bit of meditation before I start, and this is a really easy pose to do to help get into that mindset.
Ilya: Are you supposed to talk while you’re mediating?
Shane: I have to explain the purpose of the pose, Ilya.
Ilya: Is the purpose to bore your audience to tears?
[Shane glares again before he closes his eyes, his breathing deep and focused. He doesn’t notice Anya walking into the frame and promptly placing herself into his lap, her happy face panting up at him, waiting for him to give her attention. His eyes snap open.]
Shane: Anya, no!
[Ilya’s snickering can be heard before the screen cuts to black.]
Pose 2: Downward-Facing Dog
Shane: I really like this pose because it not only helps to strengthen your arms and shoulders, but your back as well, and it also stretches your hamstrings.
Ilya: Your ass is very high in the air, right now.
Shane: Shut up, Ilya.
Ilya: I have seen many hamstring stretches, and they do not look like this.
Shane: The more you talk, the longer this takes.
[Ilya quiets, but Anya once again trots over to where Shane is deep into his pose. His eyes are closed again, and she crawls underneath his arched body to where his face hangs down. Her head cocks to the side like she is trying to figure out why he’s in such a position. A few seconds pass, and Shane doesn’t acknowledge her, so she licks his face, causing Shane to yelp and fall to the side, only narrowly avoiding landing on top of the dog.]
Shane: Anya!
[She springs up and continues to lick at his face while Shane flails and tries to get her to stop. Ilya’s booming laugh can be heard as Shane yells for him to come get his dog.]
Pose 3: The Tree
Shane: This is a really simple pose, but it helps so much with balance and core strength.
[Shane slowly lifts one leg up to balance on one foot. His eyes drift closed, and Anya wanders back into the frame. She watches him for a moment and then stands on her back legs dancing around him to keep her balance.]
Ilya: Shane, you have to see this.
Shane: I’m trying to focus, Ilya.
Ilya: No, really, it is so cute.
Shane: I don’t care, Ilya.
Ilya: She is doing a little dance!
[Anya gets close enough to Shane to place her front paws on his leg, finally stilling as she looks up at him expectantly. His eyes crack open at the contact, and he sighs deeply before reaching a hand down to scratch between her ears.]
Shane: [He continues to pet her as she tries to lick at his arm.] You’re not making this very easy.
Ilya: Do not worry, I got it all on video.
Shane: Great.
Pose 4: Child’s Pose
Shane: Hockey is notoriously hard on your hips, so I really love this pose because it’s a great way to stretch your hips and thighs.
Ilya: I can think of much better ways to stretch your hips and thighs.
Shane: Stop thinking with your dick, asshole.
Ilya: My way does involve your asshole, so. Close.
[Shane’s eyes roll skyward in annoyance. He exhales a deep breath through his nose as he lowers the top half of his body to the ground, arms stretched out in front of him. Anya comes close to him again, but Ilya can be heard clicking his tongue in order to gain her attention. A tennis ball goes flying far into the backyard, and Anya chases after it. Shane is in her direct path, and she jumps on him, using his flattened back as a springboard. He grunts and rolls to the side, his breath ragged as he tries to breathe through the pain. After a few seconds, Anya returns, placing the ball in front of Shane’s face before she sits back and waits, her tail wagging excitedly.]
Ilya: Shane, don’t be rude. Throw the ball for her.
Pose 5: Bridge
Shane: This pose helps with back and thigh strength, along with opening your chest up to assist with deep breathing.
Ilya: You did not need help with any of those things last night.
Shane: For fuck’s sake.
Ilya: Yes, exactly.
[Shane ignores Ilya’s last comment and lifts his back off the ground, his chest expanding with deep, steady breaths, his eyes closing to aid his focus. Anya slithers toward him, crawling on her stomach like she’s stalking prey. She stops right at the edge of his yoga mat, her paws gently touching the synthetic foam. She sniffs the air as if it will tell her the right time to strike, and she lowers her head all the way to the ground before she leaps onto Shane’s stomach, causing him to fall flat on his back, his arms and legs spread out as Anya’s tail wags and her head lies down gently on his chest. Shane doesn’t cry out, doesn’t tell Anya to move, doesn’t admonish her. He simply lies on the ground in what appears to be defeat and acceptance. Ilya appears on camera for the first time, coming to lie in the grass beside his husband, his arms and legs spreading out in a mimic of Shane’s positioning.]
Ilya: What is this pose called?
Shane: The I Fucking Give Up Pose.
Ilya: Looks more like The Corpse to me.
[Shane raises himself on his elbows, Anya still firmly in place on his chest as he looks curiously at his husband.]
Shane: How do you know that?
[Ilya’s head turns toward Shane. A lazy and loving smile on his face.]
Ilya: You are interested in it, so I know it.
[Shane’s expression morphs into something unbearably fond, and he rolls toward Ilya, Anya barking as she’s knocked onto the ground. He climbs over Ilya, their foreheads touching as they smile at each other for a few seconds before Shane leans down and begins to kiss Ilya passionately while Anya continues to bark at them, running around, pawing at Ilya’s arm, and trying to squeeze herself into the minimal space that remains between them.]
__________
Shane Hollander Does Yoga (Sort of)
567k views, 21 hours ago
Ottawa Centaurs - 598k Subscribers
***
@harrisdrover1995 Still waiting for a video that doesn’t end with the two of you making out.
@realshanehollander @harrisdrover1995 If I keep apologizing, does that help at all?
@hockeypuckz why does everything they do give me the worst cuteness aggression known to man?
@puckslut1990 Oh, to be the recipient of all that back and thigh and core strengthening.
@b00dramzane I think Anya is the only thing that could make yoga less boring.
@realshanehollander @b00dramzane You take that back right now.
@troybarretthockey I like this.
@taylorc01 Does anyone else dream about being crushed by Shane Hollander’s thighs? No? Just me? Cool.
@hbak3r the way I LIVE for this content 😭
@wyatthayes you two are so gross (affectionate) (mostly)
@zamboney I have never clicked on a notification faster in my life.
@indacrease This is not at all what I expected when I subscribed to an NHL team’s socials, but I’m not mad about it.
@ilyarozanov81 The love of my life.
@realshanehollander Are you talking about Anya or me?
@ilyarozaonv81 @realshanehollander Yes 😘