Chapter Text
Yoongi woke to the sound of his annoying alarm clock telling him it was time to get up. 'Shit' he thought to himself. Today was the day he had been both dreaming of and dreading ever since he became a trainee for BigHit. Today was the day his group bangtan sonyeondan would debut in font of tons of people worldwide. He loves his members and he loves making music, but preform in front of fans who would instantly judge him based on their performance, that is what scared him. He pulled the covers over his head hoping he could just back to sleep. He was just about fall asleep when Jin started to shake him.
"Come on Yoongi you can't just sleep the day away, if you don't get up soon I'll get Jungkook to pour water on you.”
Yoongi rolled out of Jin's grasp. “I'll wake up in a minute hyung".
Jin then yanked the pillow out from under Yoongi's head and chuckled " you better" he said in a sing song voice. "See you at breakfast then".
Jin threw the pillow onto his bed and left to go make breakfast. on his way out he made sure to turn on the lights to make it harder for lazy rapper to fall back to sleep. Yoongi shut his eyes tighter trying to keep the pesky light from bothering, then suddenly the image of him being on stage, in front of hundreds of people, flashed into his mind. His eyes snapped open as he felt a feeling of uneasiness wash over him. His heart started to beat a litter faster and he could feel his muscles tense. The only thing he could do was curl into a tight ball and beg for his anxiety to leave him alone. After few moments Yoongi took a deep breath and tried to let his body relax. He thought to himself ‘ it's only mourning and the concert isn’t until tonight. There should be no reason for me to be anxious right now'. Feeling slightly better Yoongi rolled onto his back and covered his face with his elbow. He then continued to convince his mind that everything was fine until he felt completely relaxed. Then he fell asleep.
...................
After being rudely awakened Yoongi made his way to the dining table to join the others for breakfast. When he sat down he saw the younger members smiling at him and trying not to laugh, he couldn't blame them. All the other members were dressed and ready for the day while he still had on his pajamas. And on top of that his black hair was dripping wet from when Jungkook became his secondary alarm clock and poured water on his face. As funny as it was he had a reputation to uphold so he gave the maknae line a glare to make them stop then continued to push the cereal around in his bowl. He wasn't hungry but he knew if he didn't eat something Jin would nag him so this was the simplest solution. When he looked up again he caught Namjoon staring at him but once the leader noticed he look away quickly. It seemed like he wanted to say something but....well who knows, Yoongi had other things to think about like how he could get revenge on Jin or how not to panic when it was finally time for him to perform.
After breakfast Yoongi sat on the couch and tried his best not to think about all the people he would have preform in front of that night. Soon after Taehyung flopped down on the couch next to yoongi and grab the remote from the coffee table.
" What do you want to watch hyung? " Teahyung said already looking through the channels
Yoongi snapped out of his dazed state
" uh anything really, just not that dumb kid show you watch"
Taehyung gasped " My Little Pony Is not a dumb kid show! It is a beautiful show that teaches the wonders of friendship " he said matter of factly.
Yoongi smirked " yeah whatever just hurry up and pick something would ya"
he figured tv would be a good way to distract himself from what felt like impending doom. Finally Teahyung settled on watching some game show. After the first game show ended Jungkook entered the living room followed by Namjoon. The leader sat on the floor in front of Yoongi while Jungkook searched all over the room for the remote.
"Hyung where did you put the remote? M countdown Is about to start."
Teahyung stood up in an exaggerated fashion. " Really?!? I thought it didn't start for another hour!"
He hurriedly joined Jungook in searching for the remote until they finally found in in the kitchen. Yoongi concluded that Taehyung must have left it there went he went to grab a snack earlier. Jungkook quickly made his way back to the living room and turned the channel. The show opened with a large crowd screaming and chanting for their favorite idols. When Yoongi saw the crowd, even though it was just on the tv, his body began to tense up. The others looked at the screen with admiration.
" Tonight that’s going to be us on stage." Jungkook said and the other smiled in acknowledgment.
The maknae's comments however was not making Yoongi feel any better, in fact it made him feel worse. Yoongi began to tap his leg nervously and was trying not to look at the tv. From where he sitting Namjoon noticed his hyung rapidly tapping his leg on the floor next to him. He also remembered that Yoongi was to act weird this morning too. Namjoon turned around and looked up at Yoongi. He could see worry on his face.
"Hyung" Namjoon said quietly trying to discretely get Yoongi's attention. Yoongi was startled by the leader’s voice but he tried to look at Namjoon like nothing was wrong. " Are you feeling okay hyung?" Namjoon asked.
"Yeah I'm fine" Yoongi lied then looked away. Namjoon already had so many things on his plate being that he was the leader of the group, the last thing he wanted to do was bother him with his problems.
Namjoon stared at his hyung suspiciously then decided to let the issue go. He figured Yoongi was probably just nervous about the show tonight like the rest of them were so he then resumed watching tv with the others.
............
By the time they all arrived at their performance venue namjoon was certain something was wrong with Yoongi. He was acting jumpy and distant the whole ride and the closer they got to the venue the paler he looked. Before namjoon was just hoping it was common preshow nerves but now he was starting to think it was something worse. Yoongi once told all of them about his struggle with mental issues such as depression, self-hate, anxiety, and others but they haven't seen it affect him before. And even if it did their hyung sure didn't let them know about it. Of course he wouldn't tell them. He was too stubborn to admit he had a problem let alone ask any of the members for help. When the car stopped the members begin to get out of the car, Yoongi was the last one out.
Namjoon started to move towards him to make sure he was okay but before he could reach Yoongi the staff started ushering the boys inside to get ready for their debut. Namjoon would just have to talk to Yoongi a little later.
.....
Yoongi eyes darted around the room nervously. Currently one of the noonas was doing his hair and makeup and he was having a hard time sitting still. The noona already had to tell him twice to stop fidgeting. When she finished yoongi quickly left the chair and went to the couch to sit down. Even though he was sitting he started to feel dizzy so he decided to just close his eyes and focus on his breathing. He had to make himself calm down, if he couldn't get himself together before the performance he could end up ruining the whole show for the rest of the members. Countless thoughts swarmed in his head and they only stopped for a moment when the Manger announced they would be moving to back stage in 15 minutes. When he heard that he started to have a panic attack. His heart began thumping so hard she swore it would burst out of his chest. his breath became short and he suddenly felt like he would throw up. He couldn’t explain it but he felt like he needed to get away. Yoongi jumped up from the couch and ran until he eventually found himself in a bathroom. He locked himself in a stall and leaned against the door. Yoongi stood there leaning for a few moments until his shaky legs gave out, his back slid down the stall door and Yoongi hugged his knees to his chest. He felt hopeless and scared. He couldn't think straight and didn't know what to do so he just sat there with to many thoughts running through his head, struggling to breath properly, and wanting all of it to just leave him alone.
Namjoon had just finished getting his hair and make up done when he saw Yoongi running out of the room. The leader ran after him cursing himself for not getting to talk to his hyung sooner. Namjoon looked in several rooms before he finally checking the bathroom. He burst through the door
"Hyung you in here?" Namjoon called. He didn’t get a response but heard sobbing coming from one of the stalls causing his eyebrows knitted together with worry. He approached the stall a knocked "hyung? It's Namjoon. Open the door I want to talk"
Namjoon's voice startled Yoongi. He froze, if he opened the door Namjoon would see the horrible state he was in, but it on the other hand he couldn't stay in there forever. Yoongi stood and hesitantly unlocked to door opening it just a crack.
Namjoon open the door the rest of the way and looked at his hyung. Even though Yoongi had his head down Namjoon could tell he was crying. He grabbed Yoongi by the wrist and led him out of the stall and over to the sink. The leader cupped Yoongi's face with his hands and wiped away some of the tears with his thumbs.
"Hyung what's wrong? and be honest this time. "
Yoongi stared at the floor try to compose himself enough to talk.
"I can't stop it no matter how much I try" Yoongi said in a whisper.
"Can't stop what hyung?"
Yoongi clenched his fists and looked up . "The anxiety. The fear that people will hate our performance. I can't stop thinking about it and my body reacts without me wanting it too. I really want to preform with you guys but how am I supposed to do that when I get scared just looking at an audience on tv! Making music has been my dream since I can remember and now my stupid anxiety is going to ruin all of our hard work." Yoongi began to cry again
"Hyung why didn't you tell me you have been feeling this way?"
Yoongi shook his head "and what could you have done if I did tell you huh? It's not like you can fix my mental problems with a funny joke or by telling me everything will be okay. It doesn't work like that." Yoongi looked back at Namjoon for an answer but regretted it. By looking into his eyes Yoongi could see that his words hurt him. Which only made him want to run away again.
"Yoongi I might not be able to make your problem magical disappear but I still want to be there for you. I want to try and help you in any way can"
" no you wouldn't. I would only depress the shit out of you or make you worry like I am now. I don't want to do that to you or any of the other members."
"But hyung you don't need to worry about that. We are a team, a family and we need to be there for each other, and I can't do that if you refuse to let me help you when you need it. I want to help you so please just let me . Okay hyung?" Namjoon said as he wiping the last tear from Yoongi's cheek.
Yoongi gave him a thankful smile " okay. "
The leader pulled Yoongi into a much needed hug.
Yoongi felt calmer now. He was no longer jumpy and his heart rate slowed back down. Maybe letting someone help him was more helpful then he had thought.
When they broke from the hug Namjoon stepped back and nervously scratched his neck not really knowing what do to next, neither of them did. He looked at Yoongi and grinned.
"It a good thing the nonna's used water proof makeup” he laughed awkwardly “ other wise we'd have to get your make up redone."
Yoongi's eyes widened. He totally forgot about what time it was. " Shit we’re going to be late!"
"Relax" Namjoon said pulling out his phone to show to Yoongi the time " we still have five minutes, we are fine. Let's just calmly join the others and get ready to show the world our awesomeness. Okay Suga?“
Yoongi rolled his eyes "Okay Rapmonster"
The two rappers made their way back to the rest of the members and soon after they all walked to back stage together. The whole walk there Namjoon kept his arm hung around Yoongi's solders making sure his hyung felt safe. When Yoongi finally got on stage he felt himself start to panic again so he looked to his leader for reinsurance . Namjoon gave him a big smile with a thumbs up and Yoongi knew everything would be okay,and it was. The show was over in the blink of an eye and before he knew it Yoongi could hear the crowd screaming wildly with approval as they all filed off the stage. He felt great. Tonight he not only did his group have a successful debut but he also conquered one of his biggest fears, and he couldn't have done it if it wasn’t for Namjoon.
After that first concert Yoongi no longer felt anxiety about preforming other than the typical nerves a person gets before show. And on the rare occasions that Yoongi did start to feel anxious he would always go to namjoon for comfort knowing that the leader would always be there for him.