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Shane had gone for a run, lifted weights, done a quick yoga session, made and ate breakfast, tidied up around the house and read a couple chapters of his book while drinking his second cup of black coffee. His nervous energy was increasing with each passing moment, the sensation feeling like an itch under his skin. He sighed before he laid his book down, deciding to give up after reading the same sentence six times.
It was nearly noon and he still hadn’t heard a sound from the bedroom where he knew Ilya still was. It was a rare day off together and Shane was trying not to worry but well, it was etched in his DNA it seemed. He made a smoothie that he knew was one of Ilya’s favorite, adding a little more peanut butter than he normally would. He also filled a bottle with ice water before he started his ascent up the stairs and into the bedroom.
The room was almost eerily quiet and still quite dark considering the time of day, curtains drawn tight. Ilya was awake, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He didn’t move as the other man entered the room and even in the dim light Shane could recognize that far away look in his eyes. The look that always broke Shane’s heart, the one that said Ilya was physically there but couldn’t be farther away mentally.
Shane wished he could follow him there, even just once. To be able to see what the place was like for him. To feel what Ilya felt so he could understand just a little better. He inched into the room, not wanting to startle the Russian.
“Hey.”
Ilya flinched just a bit before he slowly turned his head toward the sound of Shane’s voice like a flower reaching for the first rays of sun. His eyes focused on the dark haired man almost immediately and the corner of his lips lifted into the smallest, “blink and you’d miss it” smile.
“Hey.”
“I brought you a smoothie and some water.”
“Thank you, sweetheart.”
He didn’t move though, still laying flat on his back in the center of the bed. Ilya’s lips were a tight line again but the adoration in his eyes was unmissable. It made Shane’s heart clench in the most bittersweet way, even in his darkest moments, Ilya still looked at him that way.
“Are you ok?”
***
Ilya knew the question was coming. His first instinct was to deny, deflect, distract. To nod his head and force a smile and drag himself out of bed and do whatever he had to do to convince Shane he was fine. But he was so fucking tired and pissed at himself for wasting their day together. His limbs felt heavy and weak, like the gravity in the room had increased.
He let his eyes slip shut and took in what he intended to be a deep, centering breath but instead came out as a shaky gasp. The shake of his head was infinitesimal but Shane still noticed. The Canadian took a couple steps toward the bed and reached a hand out to bury into curly hair, scratching lightly. Ilya leaned into his touch as if on instinct, like it was the most natural thing in the world.
“What do you need?”
Shane’s question was simple, Ilya knew that but it felt like the hardest question to answer at the moment. What did he need? To disappear, not forever but just for a little while. To clear everything in his head until his mind was a complete blank slate, no thoughts, no feelings, nothing, just empty. To disconnect his body from his mind and float into the ether. He didn’t figure Shane would react to those answers so well so he went for the next best thing.
“You.”
Ilya heard Shane’s next breath, a slightly sharper intake than usual.
“What do you need from me?”
Ilya stayed right where he was but he reached his arms out, hoping Shane would understand, unable to actually ask for what he needed. If he couldn’t escape his body, he needed it to be covered by the man he loved. Needed the weight of Shane to hold him down and ground him, keep him in the here and now.
“Wait, take your shirt off first.”
Ilya removed his own shirt as well and Shane crawled over him. He laid down on top of Ilya, chests pressed together, skin to skin. Ilya turned his head to accommodate Shane who nuzzled his face into the space where the Russian’s neck met his shoulder. Ilya could feel Shane was holding back though, not putting all his weight down.
“Put all your weight on me…please.”
It wasn’t something Ilya asked for often and he felt the hesitation from Shane initially but after a moment he felt the full weight of the other man press him into the mattress. And for the first time that morning even with the added weight on his chest, Ilya felt like he was able to take in a full breath. The relief was almost instant and even though it didn’t really fix anything, it did bring Ilya back into himself.
And suddenly, horrifyingly, he felt tears begin to sneak out of his eyes. The sheer relief of being surrounded by Shane physically bringing his emotions to the surface. He tried to stay as still as possible but he knew Shane could probably feel the slight shaking in his shoulders. Ilya’s suspicions confirmed when Shane pulled back enough to kiss the tears from his cheeks.
“I’m sorry.” Ilya’s words were barely a whisper.
“What would you need to be sorry for?” Shane’s question was earnest and Ilya could feel his probing eyes.
Ilya took a shuddering breath because ,honestly, there were so many things to be sorry for.
“For being lazy and weak and being a burden. I’m sure you have much better things to do than waste your day off rotting in bed with your pathetic boyfriend who…”
Ilya felt Shane’s fingers press against his lips, physically stopping him from continuing. Their eyes met and Ilya felt even worse seeing the tears brimming in Shane’s eyes. Yes another thing to be sorry for.
“That’s not true, Ilya. I need you to know that.” Shane held the eye contact, wrapping his fingers around Ilya’s chin when he tried to look away. “You are never a burden to me and you are not weak or pathetic. You’re so fucking strong and you fight so hard everyday. Sometimes it’s ok to not want to fight, to rest for a little while. And time with you is never wasted, no matter what we’re doing, when I’m with you, I’m exactly where I want to be.”
“I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve you.”
***
Shane shook his head. A frequent conversation they had gone over and over again. He lost count of the times he’d told Ilya that there was nothing he had to do to “deserve him”. That Shane was so desperately, undeniably, unequivocally in love with him, every part of him, every minute of every day.
Shane didn’t want to argue right now, even about that, so instead he just kissed Ilya. There was no heat behind it, just a gesture of comfort and a hope that some of the overwhelming love Shane felt could be conveyed through the press of his lips.
They laid quietly after that, Shane nuzzling back into him and letting his weight press into Ilya. He had no idea how much time had passed, both just absorbing the closeness of each other with no need for words. Shane assumed that Ilya had fallen back to sleep at some point until he heard him begin to speak.
“Sometimes I think how things could have been different if mama had someone other than my father. Someone patient and kind and loving. Someone to be with her on her dark days, to not push her but just to be with her. To take care of her instead of blaming her for the storm in her mind, to fight against the lies in her head instead of validating them. To understand her instead of criticizing her. Someone who spoke gentle words and was there to kiss away her tears. And even when they couldn’t understand, they would have just held her until her pieces clicked back together.”
Shane could feel that Ilya was probably crying softly again but he stayed where he was. He so desperately wanted to look into those blue eyes but knew if he did, it might cause Ilya to stop talking and this felt like something he had been holding in for a long time. It felt important.
“She must have been so lonely. He was so awful to her, so fucking hard on her for no good reason. And he took everything from her, her family was so far and he wouldn’t let her see her friends. She was so isolated. She had just me and Alexei and he was already becoming more like father, callous and cruel. And I tried, I tried so hard to make her smile, to make her laugh, to be there but…I just couldn’t, I was just not enough I guess.”
Shane couldn’t stay quiet this time.
“Ilya, you were just a kid. That’s too much to put on yourself. You were a child…”
“Yes, yes I know but I still wish I could have done more.”
Shane decided not to keep fighting that battle for now and instead squeezed Ilya just a bit tighter. They both fell quiet again for another long moment, the only sound the quiet breaths from both men. Ilya shifted a bit before he began to speak, his voice low and quiet, almost reverent.
“I just can’t help but wonder what things would have been like if she had someone to take care of her, like you do for me. Even when I fight you, even when I push you away and sink into myself. You never turn away or abandon me. You wait. You stay with me. I don’t know where I would be today if I didn’t have you. Maybe I wouldn’t be here at all.”
Shane couldn’t conceal his sharp intake of breath, he could hardly stand to think of Ilya being that low. To think there may be times when Ilya could possibly believe that this world would be a better place without him in it. It terrified Shane but he also wanted Ilya to be able to talk to him about it so he tried to stay neutral when he brought it up. Shane knew if his reaction was too dramatic it might make it less likely for Ilya to say something if he ever got to that point.
His words comforted Shane as well though, they conveyed that Ilya knew he would never leave, no matter how bad it got. That Ilya would always have him to turn to, that Shane would take care of him now and forever.
“Maybe she could have stayed a little longer if she had someone who truly loved her. Someone who made things feel not so hopeless. Someone who stayed through it all. Someone who helped her open up to others and encouraged her to get help before it got too bad, before it was irreversible. I just wish she could have had someone like that.”
Ilya cupped Shane’s cheek in his hand, encouraging him to lift his head which Shane did. They looked into each other’s eyes, both filled with unshed tears. Ilya’s lips curved just a bit into the most beautiful albeit sad smile.
“Someone like you.”
Shane felt like his chest might crack open, the love he held for the other man unable to be contained by his physical body. It almost felt like too much, the responsibility of it all, but Shane would hold it and Ilya’s heart for the rest of his life and beyond. Not a burden but an honor. He was more sure of that than anything else in this world.
“I know I’m hard to love sometimes…”
“Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done.” Shane interrupted, happy to see Ilya’s smile become a little less forlorn and a small huff of laughter left his lips.
“Please, I know I’m a pain in the ass sometimes.”
“Sure but you being an asshole is one of my favorite things about you, for some reason.”
Shane was incredibly happy to be rewarded with a true smile from Ilya, wide and unguarded. It was brief but it was there and it made Shane feel a little more centered.
Ilya said nothing else but turned them over to put Shane underneath him, draping himself over the dark haired man. Ilya pressed his face into Shane’s bare chest and breathed in deeply clearly finding some comfort there. Shane buried his hand back into golden curls, scratching with blunt fingernails just how he knew Ilya liked.
“Your mother would be so proud of you. Getting the help you need, asking for comfort, opening up. She would be so happy to know you’re taking care of yourself. I know I didn’t know her but I just know she would.”
Ilya’s grip on him tightened even more, his breathing becoming a little ragged as Shane pressed soft kisses to his forehead.
“She would be happy I have you. She would love you, I am sure of it.” Ilya’s voice was heavy with emotion.
“I love you so much Ilya. More than I thought it was possible to love someone. I’m so happy to have you in my life but also just that you exist. That you keep going even when it gets hard. And I will love you in this life and in any other lives we live. I will find you everytime.”
Ilya turned his head to place tender kisses along Shane’s chest before letting himself look up to meet Shane’s eyes.
“I love you too, so fucking much.”
Ilya leaned up to press their lips together in a chaste kiss before returning his head to Shane’s chest.
***
Ilya still couldn’t believe sometimes how lucky he was. How improbable this all was. It shouldn’t work, this thing between him and Shane. It made no sense on paper but in Ilya’s heart was another story.
Shane didn’t always understand him but he always tried. Always gently pushed at his walls, taking them apart brick by brick instead of trying to crash through. Ilya didn’t always understand Shane’s quirks either but it wasn’t hard to just go with it, to learn how to take care of him.
Ilya still felt bad that even though he knew all that, he still couldn’t convince his brain to let him get up. Everything outside of laying in this bed with Shane’s body pressed against his and listening to his gentle breathing seemed impossible. He took a deep breath, he could ask for what he needed, Shane would understand.
“I’m not quite ready to get up yet, is that ok?”
“Of course, but maybe you could drink a little of your smoothie? It’s getting late and you didn’t have any breakfast…”
Ilya smiled into Shane’s skin, always taking care of him in subtle and not so subtle ways. It made him feel warm from the inside out. The ache deep inside himself didn’t go away but it dulled a little. The storm inside his head didn’t stop but it calmed some. None of this would “fix” him but it sure made it a lot more bearable.
He rolled himself off Shane with a groan, stretching out muscles sore from the extended time spent in bed. He sat up against the headboard, Shane immediately taking the same position on his side of the bed. Shane reached out and grabbed the smoothie from the night stand, Ilya took it from him, letting his hand brush against Shane’s with a wink and a crooked smile.
He took a long drink, aware of Shane’s eyes watching him the whole time. Ilya let his head fall onto Shane’s shoulder, turning his face to press a light kiss to the dark haired man’s neck.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
The genuineness in Shane’s voice made Ilya feel like his heart skipped a beat. He truly didn’t see what he did for Ilya as anything special, just what you do for someone you love. Shane might never understand how much it meant to Ilya but he made a promise to himself then and there to spend his life showing Shane in every way he could.
“Oh, nothing. Just everything.”
Ilya took another long drink of his smoothie, mainly to appease Shane as his appetite was still pretty weak. He handed it back to Shane making sure to let his fingers linger against Shane’s again. Ilya laid back down, letting his head rest into the pillow and pulling Shane down until they were lying on their sides, face to face.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Shane, are you coming onto me?”
“I just said hi.”
Shane’s face read offense but his voice clearly had taken on a joking tone.
“Yes but everything you do is so sexy, is unfair. I’m too tired for that, Hollander. But maybe we just make out a little.”
Shane rolled his eyes but quickly reciprocated when Ilya moved a little closer, catching his lips in a deep kiss. And in that moment, Ilya’s mind was quiet and calm and he felt perfectly as peace. It wouldn’t last forever but for right now, it was enough. More than enough.