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Buck wasn't doing as well as he thought.
He had amazing friends and people who were basically family, but for some reason that wasn't enough.
He'd manually been counting how long he'd been off of it. He had nothing else to do with his time.
Six days, nine hours.
His body trembled with need, sweat had started to pool on his brow again, his fingers clenched so tightly his palms might bleed.
Just one more hit and he'd be fine.
When he was there- fighting- he hated it, but after leaving it was like he was addicted to it.
One more hit, one more fight- give him the pain!
Beating the shit out of the punching bag at work wasn't enough.
He needed something that would fight back, someone who acted like their life depended on whether they won or lost against him, someone who didn't care how hard he hit them.
Eddie wouldn't let him go back, he promised he wouldn't go back. So, he wouldn't. He just had to create a situation similar to the fighting ring.
Buck would admit that he was riling the guy up, intentionally trying to get the man to take the first swing.
He could punch the douchebag just because he was disrespectful toward his team, but if he swung first? Self defense.
"Come on! You think you're so tough? Show me! Show me why I should let you treat my team like shit!" He spat, seeing the man's ansty nature only get worse.
They both wanted this, the man just needed to throw the first punch.
And he did.
Buck let himself get hit, that's what he'd been hoping for anyway.
It felt better than it probably should've.
"That all you got?" He jeered, putting his fists up to guard his face.
The man hit him again, raining down a series of punches that Buck let himself take.
It hadn't been long enough since he'd last fought for all of his injuries to heal, they hurt like hell when they got hit, but he wouldn't let that stop him.
He got a little overzealous when he was given an opening, his first hit was too hard.
The guy fell to the ground, clutching his face. A thick glob of blood was spat onto the floor along with one of the man's teeth.
Hands landed on his shoulders, pulling him back as Hen rushed to look over the man Buck had hit.
"What the hell was that?" Eddie asked, spinning him around so his eyes met with Eddie's furious gaze.
He shrugged. "Self defense."
"Don't bullshit me, Buckley." Eddie snapped. "I saw what happened, you tried to get him to hit you."
Leave it to Edmundo Diaz to read him like an open book.
"And so what if I did?" He answered.
He didn't miss the way his words made Eddie's face screw up in anger. Eddie's eyebrows furrowed tightly together, his lips etched into a frown, and his eyes- if looks could kill, Buck would be dead.
"We talked about this." The brunette said with a faux layer of calmness to his voice. "You tell me, I help. If you wanna hit someone, then hit me."
"Eds, I'm not going to hit you." Buck replied, exasperated.
He couldn't do that. No matter how much he wanted to fight, he could never bring himself to hit Eddie. That man was his lifeline, his best friend, his better half, his soulmate. He'd sooner die than raise a hand to Eddie.
"What if I hit you first?" He asked, as if that would magically change Buck's answer.
"I'd let you."
They were interrupted by Chim signalling everyone to the truck, the call was over.
Buck was silent on the way back to the station, unable to meet the looks his friends were giving him.
It didn't feel so good when everyone looked at you like there was something wrong with you.
And there was something wrong with him, he knew that. He shouldn't have hit that guy, shouldn't have even let it get to that point.
But he folded under his own need for a distraction.
Anything to avoid the feelings bubbling up underneath his skin.
Again and again, Buck disappointed Eddie like this. Constantly breaking his promise to get better, and for what?
Was he trying to push his best friend away? Because that's what it seemed like he was doing.
Maybe he should. Maybe some space would be good for them. Good for Buck, anyway.
The two of them had become so sickeningly intertwined over the course of their friendship, Eddie had become an incredibly important supporting pillar of who Buck was and if he left? Buck needed it to be on his terms, not Eddie's. It was the only way he could keep himself from completely collapsing. He couldn't have a repeat of Texas.
Buck avoided Eddie and any attempt to talk about what happened, he couldn't even look at the brunette until he was forced to- literally forced to.
Eddie's firm hand gripped Buck's chin, forcing their eyes to meet for the first time in hours. Normally Buck couldn't take his eyes off the stunning man, but he really didn't want to face the disappointed look he was given.
"Tell me what's going on with you, Evan." Shit. Eddie was going there?
"Nothing." He mumbled his lie, making it even less believable than it already was.
"Don't lie to me about this." Eddie sounded shattered, hurt even. Buck had expected mad or disappointed, but he never wanted to hurt Eddie.
He really ruined this, didn't he?
"I can't-" His voice cracked. "I can't tell you."
"Why not?" The shorter man asked, gently brushing his thumb against the stubble growing on Buck's face.
Buck's eyes started to water, the soothing gesture only making his heart twist into knots. "I'm scared."
"You don't have to be. Not with me." Eddie sounded so confident, so sure that what Buck wanted to say wouldn't change anything. And maybe it won't, maybe Buck will still live with loving Eddie with only friendship in return.
He wasn't sure he could handle that.
Buck shook his head. "It'll ruin everything." He argued.
"You still haven't told me what it is, Buck."
"Eds, I-" This was it, no turning back now. "I love you."
☼
I love you.
Three simple words had the power to change everything, but they didn't.
Not everything.
Watching Buck destroy himself made Eddie realize something. His feelings toward Buck weren't what he originally thought. His heart twisting in his chest wasn't from fear or from worry, but from love. He loved Evan Buckley.
But he didn't think his feelings would ever be returned. He would've been fine with that, he loved Buck despite knowing his feelings may never be reciprocated. He could've worked through the pain if it meant he could still be in Buck's life, even as just a friend.
Now? Knowing Buck felt the same? It felt as if a weight had been lifted off his chest.
Buck looked scared, a few tears had rolled down his face and wetted Eddie's hand. The blonde was breathing in quiet, short gasps.
"Holy shit." Eddie muttered in disbelief, eyes widening slightly.
Despite the circumstances, this moment was almost a dream come true.
"I mean-"
"I love you too." Eddie blurted, stopping Buck's spiral before it could start.
He pulled Buck closer, dropping his hand as he pressed a gentle kiss to his partner's face. He kissed away the tears, sick of seeing them coming from a place of sadness.
Buck guided Eddie's mouth down to his lips, Eddie was sure Buck could taste the salt from his tears.
The kiss was slow, neither of them wanting to move for fear of disrupting the moment. There was no need to rush.
Eddie wrapped his arms behind Buck's neck, Buck held onto his waist, pushing them even closer together. Like if they tried hard enough they could become one person.
They already weren't too far off from that.
If either of them had been any less lost in the kiss, then they might've heard Hen or Chim.
"You owe me twenty dollars." Hen whispered.
Chim rolled his eyes. "This is stupid." He grumbled, reaching into his pocket. "Couldn't they have waited until after shift to make out?"
"They were already basically fucking before, you're just a sore loser." She teased, nudging him with her elbow.