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Buck’s been in a bad place, lately.
He feels like he’s stuck. He wanted to believe that he’d be fine with knowledge that he was only born just to be … parts. To save the son that they wanted.
But the truth is, he’s not.
Every day he tries to assure himself that there was nothing he could’ve done to make them love him.
They were never going to love him.
They never really wanted him.
All those times that he’d gotten himself hurt and they blamed him – how could they love him when he’s constantly risking his life – it had never been true.
They never loved him in the first place. They never cared for him.
He was just a nuisance that they had to put up with after Daniel died.
And it wasn’t his fault, not really.
All he did was be born and survive when Daniel didn’t.
And there was nothing that he could’ve done about that.
Absolutely nothing.
He spent his entire childhood thinking that it was his fault.
That somehow it all fell on him.
That there was something that he was doing wrong. That if he just found the magical trigger that would allow him to be loved the way he wanted to be loved that it would all work out.
But it didn’t.
Because there wasn’t a trigger that could erase that he was born to be something, and he failed.
He failed to be the spare parts that he was destined to be, nothing more, nothing less. Just a savior. Daniel’s savior, his parents’ savior.
He’d be loved if he had been the savior, but he failed them, and he was never going to be loved.
It sucks to know, it sucks to realize.
It hurts that he couldn’t even deal with this on his own, in his own time. Everyone knew what a failure he was because Maddie told Chimney instead of him.
And she might never have even told him – not if Chimney could actually keep a secret.
Is it any wonder that he always felt alone? That he chased relationships – sex, if that was all he could get – just to feel not so alone? Like someone cared or someone wanted him?
Maybe that’s all he really needs.
Someone to care, someone to show up.
Instead, just like always these days, he sits on his balcony of his loft all alone, not wanting to be alone, but not knowing who call…
“Hey kid,” a familiar voice says from behind him.
He turns to see Bobby with some containers and a grocery bag in one hand and his key in the other.
Buck raises his eyebrows.
“You didn’t answer the door, but I saw you from the street, so I thought I’d let myself in. Comfort food.”
“Thanks, Bobby, that’s so nice of you.”
There’s a warmth that spreads through him as he watches the way Bobby puts away much of the food, while prepping to make dinner for the two of them. Bobby’s always been comfortable in the kitchen, and even more so in Buck’s kitchen.
He remembers the days when he’d been laid up with his leg had been crushed. Bobby came over every day he wasn’t on shift to help take care of him.
He’d forgotten all that with regards to what happened afterward with Bobby standing in his way of return and the stupid lawsuit, but here, now. It’s obvious that Bobby cares.
Bobby cares about him.
“How do you feel about my famous lasagna for dinner?” Bobby questions.
“It’s lunchtime,” Buck retorts. The implied wondering if Bobby really intended to spend the whole day with him. Didn’t he have plans with Athena and her kids?
“We could put this one in the freezer and make a new one together. I’ve got the ingredients for it,” Bobby says, pulling out the ingredients after he puts all of the meals that he’s clearly made for another day away as if he didn’t hear him or the implied question.
“You wanna spend the day cooking with me?” Buck questions, raising an eyebrow at Bobby, who’s smiling kindly at him.
“Of course I do. I love teaching you my family recipes,” he says, as continuing to prep for the kitchen for creating the lasagna.
“You – you don’t have other plans?” Buck stutters. It’s not like he wants Bobby to leave, it’s just, well, why would he want to spend the day with his underling instead of with his actual family.
“My only plans are to be here with you,” Bobby replies with a smile. “Harry’s with his dad, May’s with Athena, and I figured that it was the perfect opportunity to spend my day with my kid.”
“Your – your kid?” Buck asks, heart speeding up. Did he really mean that?
Bobby offers him a soft and reassuring smile. “Yeah, kid. I know a lot has happened over the last year or so, but I don’t teach family recipes to just anyone.”
“Oh,” Buck says, softly.
He looks down at the food on his island. He can’t say that he hasn’t – hasn’t thought of Bobby as a dad of sorts, especially since his bio parents suck so bad, but he didn’t realize that Bobby felt the same way.
“I didn’t – I don’t mean to overwhelm you, Buck,” Bobby offers. “I just – it’s just that I wanted to make it clear that even if your bio-parents don’t realize how special you are that I do and I always have.”
“Really? Even when I’m a pain in your ass,” Buck jokes, looking up and seeing the sincerity in his eyes and the smile on his lips.
“Especially when you’re a pain in my ass,” Bobby teases. “That’s half the fun of having a kid to drive you crazy.”
Buck laughs and shakes his head. “I just – thanks, Bobby, this really, I can’t even begin to explain.”
Bobby moves to hug him. His wrapping behind his back and assuring him. “I love you, Buck, forever and always.”
“I love you, too, Pops,” he retorts, relishing the feeling of the hug surrounding him.
He lets go and says, “Thank you for being here.”
“Always,” Bobby assures him. “Always.”
“Good.”