Archive of Our Own ^beta

FILE CREATED BY: AGENT WINSTON

Notes: In the interest of keeping things running smoothly, I’ve decided to create this list as a supplement to the existing Overwatch regulations. And yes, before anyone asks, we did have this last time as well. Hopefully, the remaining original team members have matured since then, and the new members have more sense.

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m an optimist.

1. No special abilities are to be used in the kitchen unless it is an emergency.
2. Burnt food isn’t an emergency. The food being on fire is.
3. Anyone caught setting food on fire purposely in order to use their special abilities in the kitchen will spend two days in the detention cells.
4. Agents Junkrat and Roadhog are not allowed in the kitchen under any circumstances.
5. The speakers are to be used for announcements, not for playing your music to the entire base.
6. An exception to rule #5 has been granted – Agent Lúcio is allowed to broadcast a newly-released song once after getting clearance from Agent Winston.
7. No acoustic instruments in the training area. I’d like to remind you all that it doesn’t count as a rap battle if your instruments are a banjo and a shamisen.
8. No musical instruments in the training area, period. If anyone sees Agent McCree’s electric banjo it is to be immediately destroyed.
9. Overwatch does not have an official Twitter account. Whoever made that account, please take it down.
10. All food in the communal kitchen is to be properly labelled. The packaging being in your native language does not count as a sufficient label due to the international nature of Overwatch.
11. The drinking age in Gibraltar is eighteen. Please stop confiscating Agent D.VA’s alcohol, she’s not breaking that particular law.
12. No “testing your abilities” on the arcade machines in any of the watchpoints. Those things are expensive.
13. Monopoly was banned under the original strike team regulations. That rule is still in effect. No one wants to see what happens when Agent D.VA gets Boardwalk.
14. Mario Party is also still banned.
15. Original Overwatch strike team regulation #45 – “Cards Against Humanity is banned” – has been lifted at the request of Agent Hanzo.
16. Cards Against Humanity is now banned. Again. Jesus Christ, Agent Mercy, what is WRONG with you?
17. Anyone found sleeping in the science labs is to be given a blanket and left alone. Consider Agent Mei to be a sleeping tiger whose tail you should not pull under any circumstances. Also, I’m too heavy for anyone to carry to my quarters, don’t try.
18. Rule #17 no longer applies to Agent Zarya. How she managed to carry a sleeping gorilla in full armour without waking me, I will never understand.
19. Rule #17 still applies to you, Agent Reinhardt. Please don’t put your back out trying to carry me.
20. No loud noises around Agent Symmetra’s quarters after seven pm.
21. If anyone sees a skull emblem on any of our devices, please report this to Agent Winston at once.
22. TALON RULES OVERWATCH DROOLS
23. If anyone sees the Talon agent known as “Sombra” she is to be shot on sight.
24. “What time is it?” is NOT an acceptable security question for anyone in Overwatch.
25. There is no exception to rule #5 in the case of music by Hayley Kiyoko, regardless of how “gay” you feel at any given moment.
26. No photographs of our surrounding area are to be taken, nor are we to associate any videos with it. I know the sunset over [REDACTED] is beautiful, but we need to keep our cover.
27. Agent Ana is not allowed to sleepdart agents in order to give them sweets.
28. No stealing clothing from other agents. Whoever took Agent McCree’s hat is to return it immediately.
29. There is no exception to rule #5 in the case of the song “Let’s Do The Time Warp Again”.
30. Agent Tracer is not allowed to use the speaker system any more.
31. Soldier: 76 is not Agent McCree’s “ex-stepdad”, and he’s asked to stop being referred to as such.
32. Reaper sigue siendo el papá de McCree, ¿verdad?
33. Well, I can’t exactly stop you from calling him that, can I, Sombra?
34. Sólo estoy revisando.
35. Everyone is to change their passwords immediately.
36. Te das cuenta de que estoy usando tu contraseña, ¿no?
37. SHIT
38. JAJAJAJAJA
39. Whoever started the bet on how long it will take Agent Winston to break his next computer, please return all of the bets. This isn’t an appropriate use of anyone’s time or money.
40. Agents Genji and Hanzo are not to be referred to as the “Super Shimada Bros”, at request of Agent Hanzo. (Sorry, Agent Genji.)
41. “Operation: Fuck The Supervillains Into Being Good Guys” is not a real Overwatch operation.
42. All agents must wear something other than underwear on the lower half of their bodies outside of their quarters (with the exceptions of Agents Genji and Bastion for obvious reasons).
43. “Hero shaming” is not a thing. Stop trying to revive a forty-year-old meme.
44. We are not going to make an advertisement for Agent D.VA’s brand of crisps. Please delete that video.
45. No making out with supervillains on the battlefield.
46. No making out on the battlefield period.
47. Agent McCree is not allowed to use the codename “Cotton Eye Joe” under any circumstances.
48. No raves are to be held at any of the watchpoints.
49. There is no exception to rule #5 in the case of the song “Caramelldansen”.
50. Agents Reinhardt and D.VA are not allowed to use the speaker system any more.
51. Shouting “gay” at other agents is not allowed. It’s hypocritical no matter who does it.
52. Agent Junkrat is not allowed into the medical bay unless he has actually been injured.
53. Existing amputations don’t count.
54. “Operation: The Commander Trap” is not a real Overwatch operation. I have been informed by Reaper that it is also not a real Talon operation. Neither Agent D.VA nor Sombra have an excuse.
55. ¡No puedes decirme qué hacer!
56. We are not using “Violet Beauregarde” to refer to Widowmaker in secure communications.
57. We are not using “Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way” to refer to Sombra or Reaper in secure communications.
58. Soldier: 76’s name is not “Vampire Potter”. Stop calling him that.
59. Please do not “photobomb” Agent D.VA’s streams.
60. The film “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” has been banned from movie nights effective immediately. Commanders Morrison and Reyes are not to be compared to Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes. I’m pretty sure Soldier: 76 is still crying.
61. Agent Symmetra is not allowed to make lightsabers under any circumstances. I don’t care how good that cosplay would have looked.
62. Jokes about coming back from the dead are strictly prohibited. IT’S NOT FUNNY, OKAY?
63. You’re only allowed to wear flag-printed clothing on actual national holidays for that country.
64. Do not pet the dragons.
65. Competitions to be “the gayest member of Overwatch” are not allowed. We all know Agent Zarya would win, anyway.
66. An amendment to rule #64: Agent Genji has given all agents permission to pet his dragon. You are still not allowed to pet Agent Hanzo’s dragons, though.
67. “PETTING THE DRAGON” IS NOT A EUPHEMISM.
68. No one expects the Overwatch Inquisition because the Overwatch Inquisition does not, has never and never will exist.
69. Same goes for the Blackwatch Inquisition.
70. The Swiss HQ bombing was not caused by the divorce of Commanders Morrison and Reyes.
71. Well yeah, they’re still married. Check the records if you don’t believe me.
72. Wait, what?
73. Agent Zenyatta is not allowed to offer marital counselling to Soldier: 76 and Reaper.
74. Whoever made the crawl space in the roof, please collect your belongings from Agent Winston’s office. That’s a massive breach of security, don’t do it again.
75. No writing fanfiction about other agents. Even if it’s not explicit, it’s still creepy.
76. The websites “Archive Of Our Own” and “Fanfiction.net” have been blocked from our servers effective immediately.
77. If you break your bed and want a new one, use the official request forms. Consider this the Overwatch equivalent of the walk of shame.
78. Rule #77 applies if you want a bed for your weapons. Mostly because I want proof people are actually asking for that.
79. We are not to refer to the Vishkar Corporation as “Aperture Science”.
80. We are also not to refer to LumeriCo as “Mann Co”.
81. No making 8tracks or Spotify playlists for yourself or any other agents. (You can make them for Talon agents, just don’t be surprised if they get upset with you.)
82. No making “your mother” jokes around Agent Pharah. That should be common sense, but apparently, it isn’t.
83. Don’t make them around Sombra, either. Apparently that’s a sore point for her, too.
84. All of the original login credentials for the original Strike Team were deleted long ago. I’m not going to reactivate them. That means you, Soldier: 76.
85. No one is allowed to pay Sombra to edit other Agents’ records for any reason, even if said agent is, in fact, a “fratricidal weenie”.
86. Agent Tracer is not “Ms Steal Your Girl”. That’s disrespectful to Agent Lacroix’s memory. Stop it.
87. Re-enacting Internet videos from decades ago is allowed, so long as you don’t involve actual pipe bombs.
88. “YOLO” is not a good reason for anything, especially since Agent Mercy can bring people back from the dead.
89. All Overwatch agents just lost the Game.
90. ALL OVERWATCH AGENTS ARE TO CHANGE THEIR PASSWORDS AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH. GOD DAMN IT, SOMBRA.
91. The only music that is cleared to be played in battles is Agent Lúcio’s music. “Here Comes The Bride” isn’t allowed. I know it’s funny to make fun of Reaper, but playing that in earshot of Widowmaker is borderline suicidal.
92. As funny as it would be, there’s no exception to rule #91 for “Wake Me Up Inside” or any other Evanescence song. I think Reaper would actually enjoy that, anyway.
93. Reaper dice "gracias por la idea".
94. He’s welcome.
95. Agent Reinhardt is not Captain Hammer, and the hammer is not his penis. I can’t believe this even has to be said.
96. The game “Hatoful Boyfriend” and all associated media are not to be discussed, ever. I didn’t know Bastion units could cry but apparently, they can.
97. There is no exception to rule #91 in the case of music from the Persona series of games. Furthermore, Agents Genji and Hanzo are not to be referred to as “Yu Narukami”.
98. No duels. Ever. For any reason.
99. Talon is not to be referred to as “the Fire Nation”, even if everything did change when they attacked.
100. Overwatch agents are not magical girls.