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Would you stop, for me? The terrible urges, the violence, would you stop if I asked you?
Dean was tired.
Xander could tell. Behind the mask of indifference, anger, hatred – he saw the tiredness that he had seen in his eyes when he had asked him to stay. When he had asked him to let him explain.
When Xander hadn’t let him.
He had said that no one in this room mattered to him. With the look in his eye, with the way he brandished the metal bar, with the way he was eyeing Xander, looking ready to start.
Oh, but Xander hated loving him. The raw, passionate, cruel sort of love that made Xander hate him even more than he would have if it had simply been Dean using him. He had played with Xander’s feelings, though, made him think he was Christian and then begged him to stay as if he had been Xander’s lover. Xander wanted to scream at him, wanted to bash his head into a wall, wanted to kiss him and apologize, wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. Venom between their teeth had poisoned them both long ago, and Dean’s remorse – if it really was remorse – was for naught when all Xander had was hauntings of a man who had chosen Ethan Collins over him and a man who had made him think that perhaps there may have been a chance that could change.
The terrible, horrible urges to grab Dean by the shoulders and tell him just to talk to Xander, please, that he was sorry and he would listen this time – those urges were overpowered by the look in Blake’s eye, in Zeyn’s. Xander could never be selfish for himself, but for his brother, for Zeyn, he could resist. He could look Dean in the eye and take him head on, could disarm him, could make sure the others weren’t hurt.
He wondered if he would be alive by the end of it.
Violence for love has never appealed to me. I have accepted it, as the only way that you’ll ever show me any of the twisted love you may have for me, if you have it at all. But if there’s anything in you, that loves me still, you’ll stop. You won’t hurt them. Hurt me all you want, but not them. Not Blake.
Dean continued to walk towards them. Xander raised his gun and took aim.
~
Blake would have died, if Dean hadn’t held back. The kid had wanted to die; it would have been best for everyone if he had.
It had been the logic that D.F. had used when he pulled the rope on Collin’s nephew. Except, it really would have been better. Whatever the fuck was in the kid’s head wouldn’t hurt Alexander anymore, and he could be free from the pain of beating the shit out of everyone every time he cried. He could grow wings and hang out with whatever the fuck was in hell’s mirror realm.
It would also break Alexander.
Dean had grown a sort of apathetic dislike of the man. It was all one could do after being yelled at one too many times by a person who seemed to hate you more than he hated anyone else. Unfortunately, that apathy hadn’t erased whatever feelings Dean had developed for him. The devastatingly strong, beautiful, kind, stubborn, overworked, overstressed, underappreciated Alexander Lee. He saw more than he knew Alexander had realized.
He should have killed Blake. It was in the best interest of the fate, anyway. Kill Blake and go to hell, so that he wouldn’t have to be anyone’s fucking problem anymore. Not Christian’s, not Destiny’s, not D.F.’s or Umi’s, not his. He could take out all his rage on Andrew Lee and anyone else in hell’s residence instead of on earth, where Christian could get into trouble for it. It was in the best interest of everyone. No one needed any more of him.
He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t gone through with his plan.
I am a villain. I am a monster, everyone knows this. I cannot be good for anyone, or anything.
I am not a good person.
I never will be.
~
Xander woke up surrounded by needles, nurses, and his mother. He gasped into the ventilator, and one of the larger nurses pressed his hand down on his chest. “Relax, Mr. Lee,” he said. “You can’t get up right now.”
Where was he. Where the fuck was—
Sitting in the corner of the room, a bandage on his head and his eyes wide with relief, was where he was. Xander let himself be laid back down against the bed, and glanced up at his mother, who was grabbing his hand and kissing it beside where the IV was inserted.
“Mama,” he tried to say, but the ventilator made it funny. He furrowed his eyebrows; he wanted it off, he wanted to talk, but he was already passing out. “Mama…”
His hand went limp as the world went dark again.
You don’t need to be a good person for me. You just need to do something good. If you love me, you’ll do good for me this one time.
~
…
~
Mama stayed by his side as much as he could. They only allowed two visitors at a time, so the ebb and flow of others included Blake, Ethan, Evelyn, and once, Zeyn.
She didn’t talk much, or smile at all, but Xander was happy to see her, in any case. Dean hadn’t hurt her, which Xander had guessed – the bastard would never do anything to make Christian really angry at him. Hurting Zeyn, Micah, or Ethan would be the step to far, if Xander had to wager a bet.
He’d given Blake a nasty concussion. Xander was furious at him, and he was going to trigger him to scream at him as soon as Christian visited him. He’d having his mama play that fucking song to do it if he had to.
Xander was more than aware that he could have done much worse. That, in a way, the only reason Blake was alive was because he knew he would hurt Xander if he had killed him.
“I don’t remember it,” said Blake. “I don’t think I was there when I woke up, either. The nurses had to hold me down. Apparently they called security, too.”
He smiled sheepishly. Xander wanted to laugh. Instead, he reached over, lightly punching Blake’s shoulder.
“Strong guy, eh?” he asked. Blake glanced up at him, grinning a little. “Take after me.”
“Wow, Xander, you’re so modest,” said Blake, and Xander did laugh at that. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Mama smiling at them from behind the scarf she was knitting.
“I try,” he said. “Seriously, though – security?”
He wondered if Claire (the one name he had gotten out of whoever was in Blake’s mind when they had converted to that state) was near enough to the front to hear his admonishment. As it was, Blake’s expression just grew more sheepish, and he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
“He was just scared,” tutted Mama. “Don’t be hard on the poor boy – you weren’t exactly calm when you woke up, either.”
“He didn’t rip IVs out of himself, though,” said Blake with a laugh.
“Well, I also remember waking up,” said Xander with a shrug. “Who even knows what you were thinking.”
Blake looked at him with a small smile. Xander nodded back softly. It went unacknowledged between the two of them.
“Exactly,” said Mama with finality, and she put her needles into her bag. “So, let’s not dwell on it.” She got up, going over to pat Blake’s cheek, before leaning up to where Xander was sitting against the headboard and giving his forehead a kiss.
“Yes, Miss Diana,” said Blake.
~
Alexander looked weak, even weaker than when he had dropped to the floor from the gun wound Dean had given him.
Mrs. Lee was out of the room. The cop stood in the doorway. Christian made his way over to the bed. Dean braced for the impact of whatever was about to be said to the two of them.
“Xander… you—”
“Why the fuck did you hurt him,” snapped Alexander, looking straight through Christian’s eyes at Dean. “Even better question, why did you attack us in the first place, just to come back here and play the sympathetic visitor?”
“Alex, this isn’t a good idea,” said the cop, and Dean fought the urge to take over there and then and flip the stupid man off. “Can we not talk to—”
“For fuck’s sake, Ethan, let me talk to him,” said Alexander. Dean felt Christian’s eyebrows shoot up. Honestly, he wasn’t quite sure why they were surprised. Dean had hurt Alexander and his family. Besides that, he had been the cause of Samuel Syre’s death. It was only logical that he would have a shorter fuse than normal.
Dean didn’t respond, though. Not just yet.
“Woah, woah – Xander, can we just talk?” Christian asked. “I get you’re upset at us. You do have a hole in your stomach because of—”
“Him. This doesn’t have anything to do with you, Christian, besides the fact he’s in your head.”
“Listen, I didn’t come here to have him apologize or anything. I came to visit you.”
“Yes, thank you, I appreciate your sympathy and whatever apology you have for me being shot. Truly, I do. Now where the fuck is Dean?”
“Alex—”
Dean put his hand on Christian’s shoulder. His Mind glanced back at him, worrying his lip, before stepping back and letting Dean more fully into where the headspace ended and the physical world began.
“Do you really think it will be cathartic to yell at me, Alexander?”
Vindication settled into the man’s eyes. “Why the fuck would you do any of that?”
“Distraction,” said Dean. “Did the cop tell you literally anything?”
“Dean, he’s just been shot,” said the idiot behind them.
“No, of course he didn’t,” said Dean. Alexander’s eyebrows furrowed. “You’re creep a cousin from hell somehow got into our headspace after we died.”
“Dean – he’s not in the right—”
“Believe me or don’t,” said Dean. He really didn’t think Alexander would. Judging by the look of skepticism in his eye, he really, really didn’t. “We were all trying to get him out of our Mind. I had other plans than the others did.”
Alexander blinked slowly, then leveled a hard, disapproving look at him.
He wasn’t quite sure why he was being given the look of distain. It wasn’t like he could have just talked to anyone; he’d had to make sure the demon had thought he was on his fucking side.
Besides, everyone else was idiots. The only one who was even slightly trustable was Micah, and he would have let emotions overrule the logical side, even if he had seen it.
“Dean…” said the cop. Dean turned to glare at him.
“You know,” he said, “I’m getting real fucking tired of hearing you say my name over and over like a fucking dumbass.”
“We weren’t going to tell him like this,” said the fucking dumbass.
“Suck my dick about it,” said Dean.
“Be nice,” said Christian. He was further away from front, so it didn’t come out of their mouth.
“Didn’t know you were into that,” said Alexander coolly. Dean turned to look back at him.
“I’m not,” he said. “I don’t like physical contact.”
Alexander blinked.
“Okay, you’re done,” said Christian, pushing themself back towards front. “You’ve given the man a lot to process. And you’re being mean to my boyfriend.”
“He’s not even your fucking boyfriend,” said Dean, letting the words fall out of their mouth before he let himself be pulled back. Alexander looked at him like he was insane. Dean didn’t care.
He couldn’t care. If he cared, he would care too much.
~
If Dean didn’t like physical contact, then why had he grabbed Xander’s arm?
”Say you’ll be here to hear my apology, cause the regret is killing me.”
In all honesty, the whole “Andrew possessing Christian” thing was the least shocking thing about this. Or, perhaps not the most shocking, but it wasn’t what his brain had decided to fixate on.
Apparently, Dean was more important to his stupid, fucked up mind than whatever death afterlife shenanigans, or even the reasons why Dean had done what he had done.
Xander was still mad that he hadn’t gotten to yell at the man properly, but…
Where did his love for Christian end? The vast, encompassing feeling that had start to dwindle when he had used him to kill Ethan, that had become nothing more than a cold ember when he had found out that Dean had been using him…
Where did his love for Dean begin?
What was the difference between the two?
What was the difference between the two of them?
You didn’t kill them.
~
…
~
…Thank you.
~
Do not thank me for my selfishness.
~
Xander glanced at Dean from across the room. Christian had been situated far away from where Zeyn and her mother were. Xander knew that wasn’t an accident – Nala River was not a woman to be trifled with. Xander was just shocked that she hadn’t been more vindictive towards the man.
He wondered what Dean was thinking.
He wondered if Dean knew what he was thinking.
~
He wondered if the man knew how much he would do for him. That he was one of the only two people who he would stay in this world for.
Dean also wondered if there was any chance they could fix whatever they had.
But. You’re welcome.