Archive of Our Own

He was getting too close. Too attached, which was impressive for how attached he'd already been for the last decade. Buck wasn't stupid, he knew that they were starting to look a little too much like a family. It wasn't new. Hell, people had been incorrectly saying he belonged with the Diaz's since their first Christmas as friends. But now with Christopher getting older, Theo being added into the equation, and Eddie spending more time at Buck's house instead of his own, it was a dangerous appearance to have.

He wasn't even aware of the image they presented until one of Buck's neighbors, a sweet elderly woman, asked when the duo finally got married and made the decision to adopt. Which, she wasn't too wrong with the adoption aspect. He wasn't going to go into details about where Theo came from, not wanting people to form an unsavory opinion of the child. Because they would, children were often the ones to take the brunt of the judgement meant for the parents. It was unfair, but something he could shield the little boy from.

But she was wrong about him and Eddie getting married. First of all, that would require them to be dating. Which they weren't, and never would because—even if Eddie wasn't straight—he wasn't interested in Buck like that. But Buck wasn't oblivious to the image they created when they were all together, that of a happy family with two parents who loved each other deeply. And they did! Just, platonically. There were no romantic undertones. Pull back the curtain and you'd just see two friends who happened to live out of the others pockets. That was perfectly normal!

That wasn't to say that Buck didn't have particularly strong feelings towards Eddie. He'd spent almost two years batting away the accusations that he was romantically inclined towards his best friend. Not 'in love', thank you Maddie. But there were some more than platonic feelings that he'd been harboring towards his best friend that had been carefully repressed. Feelings that exploded out of him the first time Theo ran towards Eddie, yelling loudly in excitement, just for the man to lift him into the air in one fluid motion.

Because that motion, one that came from years of practice—however outdated—was so reminiscent of one of the first times Buck laid eyes on both Diaz's together. That one motion had his heart beating rapidly, unable to suck in a full breath, as he took in the sight. He had to excuse himself to the bathroom immediately after, taking a minute to compose himself. It was there, trying to push down the anxiety that was trying to take root behind his ribs, that he realized everyone might be right in their assumptions. Not like he'd ever admit it if asked. Nope, he'd go down swearing his emotional attachment was nothing more than never having a best friend like Eddie.

But even he couldn't deny that his face was doing something every time they were together. What, exactly? He wasn't too sure. But his features felt too soft whenever he gazed upon the trio. And if he could feel it, despite trying his best to tamp it down, what could everyone see? What could Eddie see? He probably hadn't noticed yet, because if he did, he'd surely pull away.

Buck didn't think he could handle Eddie pulling away yet again. Everytime, it struck something deep within him. When Eddie came back from Texas, Buck realized he wouldn't be able to handle it happening again. It's why—other than the all encompassing grief of Bobby's death—Buck was the one to start pulling away before the pair could even settle back in. Of course, he couldn't stay out of Eddie's orbit for too long. That should have been the first sign that he was in love with the man. No, not in love. Harboring romantic feelings.

Only now he also had Theo to think of. Theo who'd already lost both of his parents just months ago and was only just coming to terms with their deaths. Or at least, as accepting of that fact as he could be with his limited understanding of mortality. Buck knew it was going to be a conversation they had again in a few years, when Theo was old enough to wonder where he came from with only fuzzy memories of the couple. And of course, Theo was biologically his kid, therefore he was just as obsessed with Eddie as Buck was. Really, if there were any doubts, that and the over excitable ADHD, solidified that they shared DNA.

All that to say, Buck needed to pull away. He needed to be the one to leave before Eddie could deal a mortal blow to both him and his child. It wouldn't be intentional, but it would eventually happen none the less. Either when Eddie realized Buck's feelings or when he'd bring home the perfect woman, deciding he wanted to rebuild his life with her.

Maybe they could leave California all together. Buck was almost certain that his decade of experience would allow him to transfer to nearly any fire department in the country. Hell, he could probably get a promotion out of it if he pushed. He'd be smarter than Eddie was, obtaining the official transfer before hastily fleeing.

But he couldn't do that to Maddie. Sure, she had her own family now, but she was only out here because of Buck. Theo wouldn't ever know any of his grandparents, had no family who was interested in him aside from Buck. Could Buck be so cruel as to take him away from the only family he'd ever know? Then there was the rest of the team. The people he fought for, beside, and against so many times in his career. They were more like family then his parents were. For his own well being, could he handle being so far away from them? Yeah, he requested a transfer not long after Bobby passed, but he still would've been in the same city if they ever decided to reach out. If he left, how long would they keep up the pretense of trying to maintain that relationship.

No, he couldn't run away from his problems this time. He'd stay in Los Angeles, at least for the foreseeable future. He'd stay with the 118 until they got tired of him. He'd just have to avoid Eddie. Maybe change the locks so the man wouldn't be able to just enter the house whenever? Establish boundaries, which they never had to do before. Only interact with him on a "need-by-need" basis. It wouldn't be permanent. Just however long it took to bury the feelings for good. Or at least, Buck could only hope it wouldn't be permanent. Really, Eddie was entitled to react however he pleased. And if he decided to kick Buck and Theo out of his life permanently? Well, at least Buck had done his job at keeping Theo from getting too attached.

Now they were almost a month into his self-imposed exile from the Diaz's. Well, from Eddie—Buck was always quick to answer any text from Chris, he didn't deserve to be put in the middle of Buck's shit. It was hard to explain the distance. In fact, Chris called him stupid on more than one occasion when the subject got brought up. Buck was curious to know what conclusions the teen drew from his hasty explanation of "I need to focus all my energy on Theo until he's settled, I promise this won't be forever". Because clearly the kid knew it was more than Buck was letting on, he was just respectful enough not to push. Only once, late into the night, had Chris made Buck feel bad for his choices. It wasn't even intentional. Just a short "missing you" text.

For the first week, Eddie was still trying to interact with Buck like a normal day. Not wanting to raise too many flags, Buck still answered the texts he received. But instead of lengthy replies, they were short and simple. Surprisingly, Eddie seemed to get the hint. The messages teetered off. Eddie didn't come over to check in—saving Buck from having to spend the money to actually change his locks. He didn't even corner Buck at the station, demanding answers.

No, the man continued on with life like nothing was amiss. The only evidence that something was wrong was when his eyes landed on Buck, a steely cold replacing the usual warmth. He didn't ice Buck out on shift. They still worked together seamlessly. Sure, they weren't attached at the hip, making every task a two person job. But none of the team questioned them, so they must be playing up the charade properly.

That is, until early one morning, when the man stood outside his door trying to knock it down with the force of his knocking. The only reason that Buck didn't ignore him until he went away was because Theo was still sleeping. Buck got used to Theo's more energetic and chaotic nature as time passed, but the kid was so much worse when he didn't get enough sleep. It was manageable, but hard.

"Eddie, it's six in the morning," Buck hissed through the tiny crack he allowed.

"We need to talk."

"Can't we do that, I don't know, when the rest of the world is awake?"

Eddie pushed on the door, opening it enough to slip in, with a surprising lack of resistance from Buck. "No, because you're just going to continue ignoring me. Buck, I've been respectful enough to you and Theo to not just invite myself over for this conversation—"

"You mean like you're currently doing?"

"No one said you had to open the door."

"You would've woken Theo up if I didn't!"

"I might be angry with you, but I'm not cruel enough to take it out on a child Buck. I would have left before it came to that. Or at the very least, sat silently on your doorstep until you came outside."

Buck scoffed, irritation licking up his spine. "Why are you here Eddie?"

"I told you. We need to talk."

"Okay, so talk. It's not like I can leave without leaving Theo with you."

"You say that like it's a bad thing. It's not like I'd let anything happen to that kid, I love him too."

"No you don't." Buck bit down hard on his tongue before he could say anything else.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Buck just stared at Eddie, hoping the later would drop it. That he'd bypass this conversation for the one he came to have. Buck would much rather have Eddie yell at him for being ghosted opposed to whatever conversation they were currently teetering on. Of course, he couldn't get that lucky.

Eddie stared back, a slightly crazed glint in his eyes. "Buck, what does that mean? How can you say that I don't love that kid? He's so sweet and kind, even after everything he's been through. Hell, he's a part of you, of course I love him. I love him almost as much as I do Chris."

It sounded dangerously close to a confession that Buck would give almost anything to hear. But it wasn't. Eddie was talking about Theo, using Buck as an avenue to describe his feelings towards the child. It didn't actually mean anything.

Buck's shaking his head before he can think about it. "Don't say that."

"Why not?"

"Because he's not yours," Buck finally snapped. It was a low blow. Such a low blow, especially after his own relationship with Chris for the last few years. "He's not yours, so you can't love him."

Eddie's expression rapidly shifted across a spectrum of emotions. From the previously crazed look, to shocked, pained, distraught, angry, before finally landing back on the same cold expression he wore on shift.

"That never stopped you from loving Christopher. Or did that change when you got your own child? What? You only loved him because you thought you'd never actually get to have a child of your own?"

Buck sucked in a harsh breath. It hurt, but it wasn't like he didn't bring it upon himself. In fact, he practically asked for it by starting the argument. "You practically gave him to me. Or did you forget about that lapse of judgement?"

"I did that to keep him from ending up in my parents' grasp. Yet when I needed you to help prevent that, you failed miserably."

It was the closest they've ever come to discussing the will since Eddie initially told him about it. A cruel sort of confirmation that Eddie was just placating Buck when originally telling him about it. He knew he was just a fail-safe. But to hear it practically confirmed was painful in a way that he never expected. And to throw Christopher's leaving in his face on top of that?

"Oh fuck you, he wouldn't have even called your parents if you didn't decide to chase ghosts. And how funny that you implode your life once I get with Tommy and stop giving you all my attention."

Eddie moved into his space, a reenactment of the last time they fought like this just days after Bobby's funeral. "Watch it, Buckley."

"What? You can attack me for my shortcomings yet I'm not allowed to do the same? Besides, it's not like I didn't help you leave to get him."

"Yeah, after you pissed on my leg like a stray and made the process difficult because of your own insecurities."

"God, you're insufferable. Why must everything be a deflection? Sure, we both fucked up along the way. I don't quite understand why this thing between us—"

Eddie quickly cuts him off. "There is nothing between us. Nothing more than an apparently toxic friendship."

"Toxic? And who's fault is that? Who's the one who's constantly hiding things. The one who can't just say what he wants instead of speaking in tongues. The one who constantly lashes out at me when I put myself first for a change."

"You really want to go there?"

"Yeah, I do."

The tension in the room is palpable. So thick that Buck can hardly breath properly for it. He wondered if Eddie was aware of how bad it was. Probably not, too busy throwing their entire friendship back in Buck's face. Which was his own fault really. He knew that Eddie was quick to spit venom when backed into a wall. And all Buck's done in the last few weeks was push him further and further away, until he finally forced Eddie's hand.

However, instead of further lashing out, Eddie closed the distance between them. Buck's mind went blissfully blank. He couldn't think of anything other than Eddie's lips on his, as the other man pushed him back until Buck's back collided with the wall. They knocked into the small table beside the couch, sending its contents clattering to the floor. Neither of them could find it in themselves to care, to engrossed in the other.

Eddie bullied his tongue into Buck's mouth, kissing like a man starved. Buck's hands landed on Eddie's hips, pulling him impossibly closer. One of Eddie's slid up Buck's neck until it was tangled in his hair, the other snaking its way up his shirt, skirting gently over his stomach. Try as he might, the whine he'd been holding back escaped his throat. He felt Eddie smiling against his lips, as if he was proud of coaxing any noises from Buck.

As Eddie nipped at his lower lip, Buck couldn't get past the fact that this man—one who always talked about the sexual encounters in his life with a certain level of discomfort—was the one taking charge. Not only taking charge, but every move was made with confidence.

"Buck?"

It was like a bucket of cold water was dumped over the both of them. Theo must've woken up to the table falling over, coming out to inspect the noise. Eddie didn't just pull back, he fled, standing next to the door with his chest heaving. The only expression Buck could make out now was undiluted terror. Which, he couldn't blame Eddie for. He was straight and suddenly he's being mauled by his best friend, even if he was the one to make the move.

"H-hey, Theo." Buck tore his eyes away from Eddie's face, moving to kneel before the little boy. "Why are you up so early?"

"I heard a loud noise. You weren't in your room when I was looking for you."

Buck pulled Theo into a tight hug before lifting him up. It was a testament to how early it was when he didn't try to squirm away, merely resting his head on Buck's shoulder. "C'mon kiddo, let's get you back to bed."

"Can I lay with you?"

"Oh, uh," Buck glanced back at Eddie who was still frozen by the door. He really didn't want to end the conversation—could it really be called that when they were fighting and then making out?—on that note. But he never was good at playing bad cop, especially when Theo looked up at him with such pleading eyes. "Y-yeah bud. Just, lemme see Eddie out. Do you want to lay down and I promise I'll meet you there?"

"Can't Eddie come too? I haven't seen him in forever."

Buck couldn't even say it was over dramatic. Hell, a month felt like forever to him and he was a grown adult with a grasp on the passage of time. However, the question seemed to be all Eddie needed to refocus on the room at large. "Sorry kid, I need to get Chris off to school soon."

"Come back after?" Theo asked, tired eyes boring into Eddie. The kid wasn't going to let it go, Buck knew that. Not now that he's seen the other man for the first time in so long. At first, Buck was able to excuse his absence easily enough, Theo never did ask follow up questions after Buck simply said Eddie was busy.

Eddie simply shook his head, and Buck knew just from the change in Theo's breathing he was going to have a screaming toddler when Eddie walked out the door. "Sorry buddy, I have other plans."

Buck just frowned at him, it was a weak excuse. "Eddie—"

"Are you going to leave me behind like my mommy and daddy did?" Theo asked, speaking into Buck's shoulder so the words were barely audible.

Every muscle in him locked up. He wanted to scream. At who? He didn't know. It was his fault that Eddie wasn't around in the first place. But it was Eddie's for just showing up uninvited. But both of them were at fault for allowing Theo to get so attached in such a short period of time.

Eddie approached the two slowly. His previous anxiety over kissing Buck fading away into worry about upsetting Theo. "Theo, your mom and dad never wanted to leave. Besides, I'm not your parent."

"Because they went up into the sky. I don't have a family anymore."

"They did. But you still have a parent, you have Buck. You two are family."

"But not you?"

Eddie directed his gaze back to Buck. "No, not me."

"Eddie…" Buck, not knowing what else to say, handed Theo off to the man who took the child into his arms easily.

"Can you visit again soon? I miss you." Now that he wasn't holding Theo, Buck was able to make out the teary eyes that were blinking up at Eddie. The look on his face was one Buck was familiar with, even if he'd never seen it himself. He was certain that he wore it every time he was looking at Eddie.

"Eddie can come over whenever he's able to. He doesn't even need to ask." The open invitation essentially made his entire attitude over the last few weeks pointless. Just causing unnecessary pain and strain between the two. But now that Eddie was back in his orbit, Buck was remiss to send him away again.

Eddie planted a firm kiss on Theo's curls before handing him back to Buck. In doing so, he was close enough to whisper his annoyance in Buck's ear. "So you're just making me look like the villain?"

"Oh please, as long as you don't retaliate, he won't even remember this last month."

"I wouldn't take my anger out on him anyways."

"Is that what we're calling earlier?" The words left his mouth before he could think, instantly recognizing the flirtatious nature even if he didn't mean it like that.

Whatever color remained in Eddie's face was completely drained away. Buck opened his mouth to defend himself, but was quickly interrupted. "I-I gotta go. Chris."

And like that, Eddie was out the door.

He was an idiot. That was the only real explanation for how the morning transpired. He went over to Buck's with the sole intent of trying to figure out what he did wrong. Why Buck was actively pushing him away day over day. Instead, he found himself spewing words he didn't mean because Buck was not so subtly asking about things that he didn't have an answer for. Trying to discuss things that just didn't talk about.

So he did what he always does. Got angry, lashed out, and watched as Buck just took blow after blow. The exact things he accused Buck of doing when he was trying to finalize the move back to El Paso. Even then, he knew it was a shoddy deflection. He could count the number of times on one hand that Buck got angry with anyone other than himself. Really, it was something he could benefit from doing far more often. Eddie wouldn't even blame him for being angry now. Instead, Buck would probably take it on the chest and let Eddie back in—even though he clearly didn't want too—just to make Theo happy again.

Then, as if he didn't fuck up the visit enough, he kissed Buck. He didn't even know why he did that! It wasn't a thought he'd ever had before. Sure, Buck was an attractive man. He had eyes and could see that much. He saw how people fawned over him on every call. Surprisingly, it didn't happen often when they went out. Eddie half expected the flirting to get worse now that Buck had an adorable child on his hip whenever they went anywhere. He saw the glances people still sent them, but there was no flirtatious words to be exchanged.

He thought of the comment Buck had made seconds before he fled the house. It wasn't intentional, Buck was just flirty by nature. He'd made plenty of comments like that towards Eddie over the years. None of them had him running away like a school girl who just had her pigtails pulled. None of those other times included your tongue halfway down his throat minutes prior.

The drive home was a blur. Chris was barely awake when Eddie got home, slowly meandering through his morning routine. The note he left on the counter explaining his absence was askew, so Chris knew why he was only just coming home.

"How's Buck?" Chris asked, peeking out of the bathroom door, the toothbrush in his mouth muffling his words.

"He's… fine." The words didn't even sound believable to himself.

Chris narrows his eyes in suspicion. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." Chris just continued to stare, toothbrush hanging limply from the side of his mouth. Eddie sighed, "it's complicated. We can talk about it while you eat breakfast. Which will just be dry cereal in a bag if you don't hurry up."

Chris, oddly okay with the answer, went back to continue getting ready. Eddie collapsed on the couch. He couldn't stop replaying the quiet sounds Buck made under his ministrations. How receptive he was to Eddie's every touch, not so subtly erasing every bit of space between them. There was no hesitancy, not from either of them. And that absolutely terrified him.

Eddie couldn't even pinpoint the exact moment in their argument where he decided that he needed to kiss Buck. Because that's what it was really, a primal need that overtook every cell in his body. Sure, he wanted to shut Buck up because he was poking at the fleshy underbelly of all the unexplainable choices that made up their friendship. But there had to have been other methods he could have used. Ones that didn't teach him how soft Buck's lips were beneath his own. Or how Buck's abdominal muscles fluttered with the lightest of touches. Or how Buck seemed so willing to keep letting Eddie just take what he wanted.

Part of him wondered how far they'd have gone if Theo hadn't interrupted them. He was only seconds away from forcing his leg between Buck's. Would the other man have shamelessly rutted against Eddie's thigh while Eddie continued to touch every part of him that he could? He felt Buck's growing erection against his hip while they were pressed together. Even if he wasn't making all those beautiful sounds, there was no denying Buck was okay with the turn events.

He couldn't stop his thoughts drifting towards the what-ifs. Would he reach down and take Buck in his hand, slowly jerking him to completion? From Buck's own stories, he was a great sexual partner to have, even if he found himself lacking otherwise—which was bullshit if you asked Eddie. Would Buck drop to his knees and return the favor? Would it be enthusiastic or hesitant?

What about after they were sated? Eddie already knew the answer to that one, it would be the same outcome. He'd still panic, the difference is that Theo wouldn't be there to pressure Buck into letting Eddie stay or even come back. Realistically, he knew that if his nerves were so frayed just from kissing Buck, then he'd be in a freefall of anxiety if they actually went any further. But he couldn't stop his mind from wondering, thinking of himself cuddled up next to Buck on his bed. Maybe they'd actually talk instead of spewing vitriol towards each other.

Too bad they were both phenomenal at boxing up their emotions and avoiding the hard conversations. This morning would probably never be discussed again, another moment added to a long list of things they just didn't talk about. And he had no one to blame but himself because it wasn't like Buck didn't want to talk about them. Eddie just made a point to shut down any conversation before it could really get started, not wanting to confront the why of his previous behaviors.

Anxiety was still pumping through his veins. It wasn't as bad now, he wasn't teetering on a cliff's edge. He needed to talk to someone, the problem was that the person he wanted to talk to, wanted nothing to do with him. He'd spent the last few weeks trying to figure out what exactly he did to push Buck away, but kept coming up with nothing.

Eddie was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't realize Chris was finished getting ready until the kid dropped onto the couch next to him. "So, what happened?"

"I kissed Buck." He wasn't sure why he said it, really. Sure, he wanted to talk about it, but not with Chris. Chris, who was so familiar with losing everyone that Eddie had ever gotten intimate with, would probably side with Buck in an attempt to keep him around.

But instead of getting upset or angry at the turn of events, Chris laughed gleefully. "It's about time. It was bad enough that I had to grow up watching the two of you moon over each other, but for you guys to subject another child to it just seems cruel."

"And then I left," Eddie said, ignoring Chris's statement.

"What? You left? Dad," Chris groaned, stretching the single syllable.

"He didn't seem like he wanted me to stay anyways. Besides, I had to get you to school."

"You're so dumb sometimes—"

"Watch it."

"But whatever, the damage is done. You just need to go back once you drop me off."

Eddie leaned forward, elbows propped on knees as he hung his head. Because despite Buck's invitation to come back, he knew it was only out of obligation to the toddler who was asking. Not because Buck actually wanted him around. His behavior over the last month has been evidence enough of that. But he's not going to say that to Chris. He's not going to be the reason any strain is introduced into his kid's relationship with Buck.

"Maybe, we'll see. Now, go finish getting ready, we're running late."

Chris gets up, rolling his eyes, and finishes his routine. They're only a few minutes behind schedule, but Eddie knew that if he didn't cut the conversation there, then Chris actually would be late. Besides, as much as he loves his kid, it's not Chris's responsibility to be the emotionally mature one.

Which is how, after dropping Chris off, he found himself standing on the Wilson's porch. Aside from Buck, he trusted Hen more than anyone else. It came with the territory of being work partners. But he didn't even know where to start. He had so many questions running through his head now that he's processed what happened earlier.

Why did the idea of Buck separating himself from Eddie's life permanently feel like a mortal blow? How come kissing Buck was the first thing to effectively quiet every thought in his brain? Yet the idea of doing so again caused his heart to race and lungs to constrict as panic took root. Why did Theo interrupting, telling Chris, and thinking about talking to Hen cause such an intense fear to flood over him? But he couldn't hold in the part of his brain that just wanted to shout from the rooftops that he'd kissed one Evan Buckley.

Which is exactly the first thing that he said when Hen opened the door, although instead of a shout it was more of a pathetic whimper. "I kissed Buck."

Hen just regarded him briefly with an expression of shock and exacerbation. "Well, good morning to you too."

Eddie huffed an annoyed breath. "Sorry, yes. Good morning Hen. Can I come in?"

"You sure you don't want to continue this conversation on the porch? I mean, it seemed like you couldn't wait to get those words out." Eddie glared at her, but there was no heat behind the look. Hen merely shook her head with a small laugh, gesturing him inside.

Eddie collapsed on the couch, burying his face in his hands. He could hear Hen moving around the kitchen, the sound of the coffee pot starting filling the room. "You don't have anything stronger?" He asked, words muffled by his hands.

Hen snorted. "It's not even nine yet. No, if you want a drink it's coffee or water. I may be persuaded to boil some water for tea if you'd rather have that."

"Coffee is fine, thanks."

"So, congratulations are in order?"

Eddie looked up, Hen already watching him with an amused expression. "Congratulations?"

"You know, for finally making a move on that man. Although, I gotta say, it's an interesting way of coming out. Usually people lead with that instead of talking about their conquests." Hen said, making air quotes around the last word.

A choking sound was forced from Eddie as he processed the words. "Hen, did you forget I'm straight?"

She stared at him like he grew two more heads. "You know what, maybe you're right. This seems like a conversation suited for a stronger drink."

Hen grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses, filling one and pressing it into Eddie's hands. He just stared down at it, unaware of the slight shake in his hands until the liquid started rippling. Hen downed half of her glass before making her way to sit next to him, sitting the bottle on the coffee table within arms reach.

"Okay, I'm going to try and be as sensitive as possible here, because I know it's not an easy conversation to have."

Eddie hummed in reply, watching as the ripples got more intense.

"For starters, we're going to ignore the elephant in the room. Tell me, when was the last time you looked at a woman and found them attractive enough to desire them?"

"Probably since Marisol. But what does that—"

"Eddie, you haven't been with her in two years. Besides, don't think I don't remember you talking about sex with her as more of a chore as opposed to something you genuinely wanted. Remind me, was there anyone between her and Ana?"

"Between Chris and my PTSD following being shot at, I didn't have the space for a relationship."

"Can't forget the panic attacks whenever someone assumed that Ana was your wife," Hen mumbled into her glass.

Eddie grit his teeth at the implication. "Anyways, me and Ana never got that far into our relationship."

Hen's eyebrows shot up. "Weren't you guys together for months? And you never slept with her?"

"Didn't want to rush things," Eddie said, finally taking a sip of his wine.

"Huh. Anyways, I know why there wasn't anyone between her and Shannon. But, you never seemed too excited when talking about her either, and she was your wife."

"After my first deployment, everything was always tense. We stopped being friends and instead became the other's biggest adversary. It was never going to work out, I just didn't want to accept that fact. Sex was easier than talking."

Hen wrapped an arm around his shoulders in a loose hug. He was just starting to take another sip when her words went into a completely different direction. "You know, still ignoring the elephant, the only time I ever saw you full of life when talking to someone was when you and Tommy first started talking."

Eddie choked on his wine, splattering some on Hen's couch as he coughed aggressively. "What the hell Hen."

"Sorry! It's just, me and Chim talked about it a bit—neither of us told Buck for obvious reasons. We knew you were dating Marisol still, but listening to you talk, it felt more like you were dating that man. You never talked about any of your partners with as much enthusiasm, barring one exception."

Eddie wished he knew what expression his face was making at Hen. Because where he thought it was disgust and annoyance, Hen's responding look of pity didn't make sense. "We were just friends. And even then, we stopped hanging out as much once he got with Buck."

"And now, we do have to address that elephant. Because you've never liked a single one of his partners and were always painfully obvious about it."

Eddie scoffed. "That's not true."

"Aly."

"Left him when he was at his most vulnerable and needed help. Besides, she was never even around."

"Taylor?"

"Don't even get me started on her. She never deserved Buck."

Hen raised a brow at him. "Isn't that his decision? Besides, he did genuinely love her."

"Yeah, he loved Abby too, does that mean they were right for each other?"

"You know you aren't helping your case here, right? What about Natalia?"

"She didn't like him for who he was. She was only interested in his near death."

Eddie didn't realize how tightly he was gripping his glass until Hen pried it from his fingers, gripping his hand in one of her own. "So if he found the perfect partner. One who cared for him, protected his peace, only wanted what was best for him, you wouldn't try to find any flaws in them? You'd be the happy and supportive best friend?"

"Well, now there's Theo to think about," Eddie argued, but even he heard the weak excuse for what it was.

"Do you think you're better suited for that role?"

"Why not? He stepped into the role for Chris. Why shouldn't I?"

Hen didn't answer that question, instead taking his other hand in her own, turning to face him fully. "Tell me about kissing Buck. Who initiated it?"

"I went over earlier this morning, trying to figure out why he was ignoring me this past month, and we got into an argument. In an attempt to end it, I kissed him," Eddie answered, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Okay. And how did it feel? Would you do it again? Although, maybe without the arguing part."

"It felt… For the first time, all the noise stopped. I didn't have a constant monologue of all my past fuck-ups repeating in my head. I was able to just exist. It felt like coming home after a 48 of back to back calls."

Eddie looked down at their clasped hands, thinking about the second question. Because that was the crux of his issue, wasn't it. Would he kiss Buck again? He didn't even want to stop the first time. Sure, the thought of repeating their moment in Buck's living room sent a low thrum of nerves through his veins. But he also felt unbelievably warm at the idea of tasting Buck in that way again.

"I don't know Hen," he finally admits. "Even if I wanted to, he isn't interested."

"Eddie, that man looks at you like you hung the moon and stars. I don't think I've ever seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. You guys just need to talk for a change." At that, Hen let go of him to reach for their glasses. "Now, let's finish this bottle before Karen comes home and has questions."

Eddie laughs softly, feeling a little lighter now having talked to Hen than if he'd just stayed at home with his own thoughts. Part of him thought she was right, him and Buck did need to have an actual conversation. But he was afraid of what would come up. It wouldn't happen today. He already made an excuse for not going back and now he needed the time to work through this conversation with Hen. Because he still wasn't fully buying what she was trying to sell. Surely, he'd know by now if he was anything other than straight. But she was right, he did want to kiss Buck again, labels be damned.

A week passed since Eddie had come over and flipped everything on its head. Every night that Buck didn't have a shift was met with Theo's questioning on if Eddie was ever going to come back over. It was expected really, it took nearly a whole month for the kid to stop asking when Buck had started to pull away.

Eddie had said he wasn't going to retaliate to Buck's silence with his own, but clearly he'd been lying. It was like that morning had never happened. The text messages never started back up. At the station, they'd both continued their dance of avoiding the other—although Hen's constantly exacerbated looks were new. And now, even Chris was messaging him more infrequently.

Buck sat in Theo's bed, reading the child the second bedtime story of the night. Despite the constant questioning about Eddie's disappearance, Theo was slowly becoming more closed off. In all the months that Buck had been fostering Theo, the kid was nothing if not a ball of excitement. So to see him so reserved was like repeatedly getting punched in the gut. He couldn't even lie to himself, it made him hate Eddie just a little. He knew he never could truly hate the man, they'd been through too much. But seeing Theo's disappointed expression every time Buck had to explain that Eddie wouldn't be coming by the next day had him wanting to scream and yell at the other man.

They'd just finished the story, Buck placing a soft kiss on Theo's forehead before sliding off the bed. The lamp clicked off—the only thing breaking up the darkness being the nightlight by the door—when Theo spoke in a nearly inaudible voice. "Daddy, does my Eddie hate me now?"

Buck sucked in a sharp breath, unsure what part of the question hurt more. Theo referring to him as dad for the first time, calling Eddie his, or the implication that Theo knew what being hated felt like. The combination of the three had him blinking back tears as he knelt beside the bed.

"No baby, he doesn't hate you. He's just… going through something." Buck wasn't sure what else to say. The kid was exceptionally smart for his age, and he didn't necessarily want to turn Theo against Eddie, even if he did deserve it. The panic on the other man's face after he'd kissed Buck flashed in his mind. Saying he was dealing with something suddenly felt like a lie and more like a probability.

"Then why doesn't he ever come? And last time, he ran away when he saw me. He only came over because I was sleeping." Tears were starting to fall down Theo's face, his breathing picking up.

Buck cupped Theo's tiny face, catching the tears with the pads of his thumbs. "Hey, no. It has nothing to do with you. We're just… having a disagreement. That's all. He's trying to give me space, and unfortunately you got caught in the middle. But we're going to fix it, okay?"

"You promise?" Theo hiccuped.

Buck was suddenly glad he hadn't taught Theo the art of the pinky promise, and how those are unbreakable. Because if the kid had extended his little finger, Buck might've broken down just a little. Frankly, he didn't know if he could fix what was going on between him and Eddie. He knew why he pulled away, but he couldn't make any sense for why Eddie pulled away. Can't fix what you don't know.

"I'll do my best."

Theo, still too young to realize the non-answer for what it was, nodded solemnly with a sniffle. "I love you daddy."

Buck's chest tightened, his eyes burned, and he could barely swallow around the ever growing lump in his throat. What if he failed and Eddie just permanently cut him off? Would Theo still mean those words? Or would he be another in the long list of people to hate him. "Love you too kiddo. Now, get some sleep, okay?"

Buck left the room, collapsing into his own bed with his phone in hand. He knew that he needed to be the one to apologize first. Frankly, none of this would've happened if Buck hadn't pulled away first. Especially when his reasoning didn't matter because Eddie and Chris were already so intertwined with his and Theo's life. And sure, he gave Eddie a stilted invitation to come over whenever, but he said the words with such annoyance that he can't be mad that Eddie didn't take him up on it. Maybe Eddie was just avoiding him because he finally accepted that it's what Buck wanted. But, it's never what he wanted. It's just what he thought he needed.

Theo's small my Eddie echoed in Buck's head until he finally fell asleep, phone still clenched in his fist.

The next morning, it was like that conversation never happened. Theo was still more closed off than usual, but he didn't ask after Eddie like he usually did every morning. He shuffled through his morning routine—Buck standing close behind just in case the kid needed help—before getting dressed to go to Maddie's house.

Buck was so thankful that between Maddie, Athena, Karen, and May, someone was usually available to watch Theo when he had a shift. It was probably one of the only things that kept the state from taking Theo away from him. His schedule wasn't great for being a single dad, but the support network went a long way. It'll be easier when Theo starts school in a few months.

Theo loved going to Maddie's specifically. Jee was close enough in age that they shared a lot of the same interests and they were able to run around and keep themselves entertained for hours. They could be a handful some days, but the bond they shared was special. And knowing it was his biological child loving Maddie's like that warmed his soul.

Maddie waved them in, having the door opened before Buck finished getting Theo out of his carseat. They'd barely made it up the steps before Theo was trying to run into the house at full speed. Buck wrapped an arm around the kids waist, pulling him back gently. "Be good for your Aunt Maddie, okay?"

Theo sighed with all the annoyance that a child his age could muster. "Okayyyy, can I go now?"

Buck chuckled softly, releasing the kid. "Yeah, have fun. Love you!"

Theo took off inside. But before Buck could raise himself back to his full height, the kid was running into his legs, hugging them as tightly as he could muster. "Love you daddy." Theo was back inside before Buck could return the gesture.

"So, you're daddy now?" Maddie asked, watching the kids chase each other from her place in the doorway. "How much did you cry when he called you that?"

"Ha ha, very funny. I'll have you know, I was very brave about it." Maddie raised a skeptical eyebrow, prompting him to continue. "Okay, so I might've teared up a little bit."

"That makes sense. You're a good dad, Evan." She said, gripping his forearm reassuringly.

"Yeah, well, hopefully he doesn't start to think I'm going to go the way of Cameron and Connor."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Buck sighed deeply, directing his gaze away from Maddie's concerned face. "It's a long story, but something that was implied the other night. Not towards me, necessarily. But the fear is still there, even if he's still too young to fully understand."

"Buck—"

"I gotta go Maddie. I really don't feel like listening to your husband's passive aggressive comments if I'm late."

Maddie rolled her eyes at the obvious deflection. "Howie won't say anything, not when he knows Theo was being dropped off."

"Yeah well, can't tempt the traffic gods. They'll know I'm in a rush and just make the drive take twice as long for no good reason."

Buck took off back down the driveway before Maddie could try to push anything further. He was right in leaving when he did though. The usual twenty minute drive took closer to thirty-five. He was parking with just minutes to spare before he'd be seen as "late". He takes the stairs two at a time, coming to a stop next to Ravi as Chim starts reading the start of shift announcements. Thankfully, no one comments on him being out of uniform.

The shift is unusually slow. Five hours in and they'd only had two calls, one of which was strictly medical so only Hen and Eddie were really needed. He was standing in the kitchen, back facing the room at large as he stirred the pot of chili he was making, rambling about Theo to Hen.

"He's been getting more into coloring and other artistic outlets lately. Honestly, I don't remember being able to draw anything more than blobs at his age. Hell, I could barely stay within the lines when coloring until the third grade."

"Sounds like we might have a little artist on our hands soon," Hen said.

"I was thinking of getting him one of those kid friendly painting sets for his fifth birthday. Kind of start experimenting to see what he likes best."

"That's a sweet idea. You know, I'm not too surprised, but you really are a fantastic dad."

Buck freezes, the chili spoon slipping out of his grip. Thankfully it just landed in the pot so he didn't have to worry about that mess, just the emotional one that was his brain lately. "Uh, thanks Hen. You know, Maddie said the same thing earlier. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I do know I don't want to be anything like my parents. So, I'm trying."

Buck hears a quiet scoff from across the loft, quickly followed by a book slamming closed. He doesn't turn around to see who it was, thinking he has a pretty good idea. Hen speaks up before the air can get too thick. "Buck, you do realize this isn't exactly your first rodeo, right?"

"What does that mean?" He asks, turning to face Hen.

In answer, Hen just nods her head towards Eddie's back as he escapes down the stairs. "I mean, you helped raise his kid for the last nine years."

Buck frowned. "I've never been Christopher's dad though."

"Buck, I say this with so much love and support. You should know by now that being a parent has nothing to do with blood and everything to do with attitude. That man gave you his son within the first few weeks of you knowing each other. You're their person, the one both of them go too when things get too difficult."

"Oh yeah? That's why he gets defensive whenever I try to have an honest conversation with him? Why when I ask for clarification about things he says and does, he just denies everything?"

"Never said you guys were great at communicating," Hen said with a shrug. "You guys fight like an old married couple. Honestly, Ravi was fully convinced you two were together in his probie year. Which wasn't helped by B-shift agreeing with that theory."

"W-what? Me and Eddie? N-no, that's insane."

"Is it though?"

No, it isn't. That's why he started pulling away in the first place. Because he knows he loves Eddie and can't have him. Because he'd rather deal with a few weeks of the discomfort that is them being out of the other's orbit if it meant that he didn't lose him completely. Eddie's straight, he isn't into Buck like that.

But didn't he just try to devour you the last time he was over? An unhelpful voice that sounds just like Maddie asks. Which, fair. But emotions were running high. He can't say for certain that it meant anything. In fact, he was certain it didn't. It was just an attempt to get Buck to stop poking at him, since the usual attempts didn't work.

Hen looked at Buck knowingly, like she knew exactly what he was thinking. "Does the idea of people thinking the two of you are together unsettle you that badly?"

"No!" Buck practically yells before bringing his voice to a normal level. "No, of course not. Look, Eddie's fantastic. He's caring, and considerate. Has so much patience for people while simultaneously being constantly annoyed by everyone. He's smart and funny, but in a dry humor sort of way. Plus, I have eyes, I can admit that he's hot as hell. But, Hen."

If the last two words came out as a whine, that was between him and Hen. He just had to hope she'd never tell anyone else.

"Buck, it's not my place to speak for him, but you really should talk to Eddie."

Buck turned back towards the stove, stirring the food he'd almost forgotten he was preparing. "I can't just leave. If I walk away, it'll burn and I'll have to start over."

Hen made her way over, forcing the spoon out of Buck's hand before brandishing it at him. "Boy, if you don't go talk to that man right now."

Buck raised his hands in a placating motion, backing away from the stove. "Okay, okay. Fine. But when he tells me to fuck off, you can explain to my toddler why 'his Eddie' has disappeared forever."

All Eddie knew was that he needed to flee. He was trying to do better today at being closer to Buck's proximity. He might've felt more secure in himself after his conversation with Hen, but ever since getting home that afternoon, his anxiety on the matter just tripled. So, he just matched Buck's energy. If the other man didn't want Eddie to be around for the last month, then he could keep that up until he got himself under control. Which was slow going, really.

Even when he was in El Paso, he didn't go so long without talking to Buck. But now, discounting that short period in Buck's house, they were at over a month with no contact on either side. Eddie found himself constantly thinking of Theo's devastated face when he realized that Eddie wasn't going back that day. The distance between them hurt almost as much as the forced distance between him and Chris. Which made him feel crazy, because Chris was firmly his whereas Buck never even implied that Eddie was anything more than the cool uncle for Theo.

Then there was him and Buck. He was missing him like a limb, but didn't know how to bridge that gap. Especially since he came to terms with the fact that he wanted to kiss Buck all the time. He still didn't know what label he'd use, but Hen assured him that it didn't matter, there were much more pressing concerns.

The most pressing of them being that Buck wasn't interested in him like that. Another statement that Hen just rolled her eyes at. Sure, Buck had been receptive at the moment, but if he really was interested, why the radio silence? No, the reception towards Eddie's advances probably had to do with how Buck was always more sexually active by nature, but since getting Theo, he hadn't even tried to find a new partner. He was probably just pent up, taking advantage of what relief he could get.

And he's come to terms with it. He might not be happy about it, but he's accepted that reality. Working through it might've caused him to be more distant than usual, but he woke up this morning deciding that he just missed his best friend, and would spend the shift slowly working his way back into Buck's proximity.

That is until Buck started telling Hen he didn't know what he was doing. That Theo was his first foray into being a dad, like hadn't spent the last nine years helping Eddie raise Chris. Even if they weren't ever going to be romantically involved, Eddie still viewed him as Chris's other parent. Ever since he put Buck in his will he'd seen Buck as his coparent. Sure, he never said those words exactly, but the implications were there. Or at least, he thought they were. Clearly not though with how quickly he dismissed that idea.

So there it was, Eddie having to flee the loft before he could say something to Buck that he couldn't come back from. He found himself in the gym, the door propped open to allow more air flow while he pummeled the shit out of the punching bag. Fragments of Hen and Buck's conversation filter down to him, spurring him on further. It isn't until he hears Buck utter the words 'his Eddie' in reference to Theo that he stumbles slightly.

But it doesn't slow him for long. If anything, it spurs him on further to continue his abuse of the bag. Because of course Buck would all but give him Theo after throwing Chris aside. Eddie didn't mind Buck leaning on him. In fact, he wished Buck had done it more since bringing Theo home. If anyone knew how to manage being a single dad and a firefighter's schedule, it was him. And up until a month ago, Buck did exactly that. Then one day he decided that Eddie wasn't a good resource and cut him out completely.

Eddie landed a solid kick on the bag, stepping back to watch it slowly swing back to rest. He was just about to start up again when he heard someone quietly clear their throat behind him. He didn't need to turn around to know who it was. The air thickened and stretched in the way it usually did whenever Buck was nearby. How it took him so long to realize why there was a certain level of tension that permanently existed between them, he didn't know.

"What do you want, Buck," he said, dropping to the bench in the center of the room.

Buck stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. Eddie clenched his jaw to keep the fear the clawed up his throat from escaping. "We need to talk."

"Oh, now you want to talk?"

"Don't. Eddie, just, don't. Okay?"

"Don't what?" Eddie snapped.

"That! Don't do that. Be all, defensive and ready to fight at any given moment. Why can't we just have a conversation without that being what you resort to?"

"Fine. Talk then."

Buck rubbed his hands over his face into his hair, messing the perfectly sculpted locks up. "I'm sorry."

Of all the things Eddie was expecting, an apology wasn't it. "Buck—"

"No, I shouldn't have ignored you for the last month. It was fucked up. And not only did I hurt you, I also hurt Theo. He's been asking for you, you know? I had only just got him to stop when you showed up that morning. And since then, it's become a twice a day thing."

"So what, you feel bad because your kid is struggling?" Which, despite Eddie's ire on the situation, he can understand. Isn't that why he let Shannon back in?

"It's not just that. It's… I miss you. And Chris too, of course. And Theo misses you both. And I was wrong to act the way I did."

The part of Eddie that wants to still be mad, that wants to push back and argue until he hurls words he can't take back, crumbles slightly under the look of desperation in Buck's eyes. "So why did you?"

"I-I don't know."

"Buck, don't insult my intelligence. You were right the other day, we don't actually talk about things. Why not start now?"

"Can't we just start tomorrow?" Buck asks, a faint smile playing at his lips.

"I mean, we could. But if we want to do better by our kids then we should start now."

"Our kids?" Buck chokes out.

Eddie laughs softly, forcing himself up to stand in front of the other man. "Yes, Buck. Our kids. I know I've never vocalized the words to you, but Chris is yours. You've always been the one constant in his life, way more than me or Shannon. You're the only person to never actually leave him."

"I left him when I filed that stupid lawsuit," Buck whispered, face still slack with shock.

"You didn't leave him even then, you were constantly asking how he was. I was the one holding you at arms length." Buck was still looking like he'd been walloped upside the head. "Evan, there's never been a doubt in my mind that Chris is your son. Hell, he both looks and acts more like you than me. If I didn't know better, you were the one to get Shannon pregnant."

The imagine that must've provoked was finally what broke Buck from his trance. He chuckled softly, looking down at the ground. Eddie gripped Buck's shoulder, needing the other man to actually pay attention to what he was saying. "It's part of why I was trying to stay so close when you brought Theo home. Because you were always there, propping me up and taking care of Chris. The least I could do is step into that role with Theo like you did Chris."

"And I just made it harder for all of us."

"Maybe, but we can just consider it payback for me doing the same with Chris all those years ago. Hell, unlike Chris, Theo will likely forget all about it or think it was a much shorter length of time than it actually was."

"You said that was part of the reason, what are the other parts?"

Eddie slid his hand up to cup the side of Buck's neck, stroking the corner of his jaw. "I thought I made that obvious the other day."

"Eddie," Buck said, a small whine of a sound.

Buck's eyes were sparkling with emotion. Most of which Eddie couldn't name with how rapidly they shifted. But the one that kept coming back, the one that shined the brightest, was something akin to hope.

Leaning in slightly closer, Eddie whispered into the small space between them. "I went to Hen's after, she had to spell it out for me. Apparently making out isn't very normal friend behavior."

They were so close that he could count every spec in Buck's bright blue eyes.His hands were shaking slightly where he kept them glued to his sides, like he was too afraid to actually touch. Eddie grabbed one of the hands, placing it on his hip, silently communicating that this was okay. Buck gasped slightly at the contact before closing the distance to rest their foreheads together.

"It might be your turn to spell it out for me." Buck's eyes darted back and forth between his own, the breath from his words dancing across Eddie's mouth and cheeks.

Instead of actually answering, he tilted his head up to softly brush his lips against Buck's, a question in itself. It felt more like a first kiss than what occurred between them last time. The hand on Eddie's hip tightened its grip, while Buck's other hand threaded into the hairs on the back of his neck, tilting his head back further to deepen the kiss.

None of his previous encounters felt like this one did. He was half afraid his heart was going to beat out of his chest, his entire body tingling with the desire to fuse himself to Buck. Which was just crazy really, because usually he wanted there to be some kind of distance between himself and his partners. Hell, he ran to the other side of the world with Shannon, and she was the mother of his child. But currently? He just wanted to carve out a space in his chest and tuck Buck inside, always keeping the man nearby.

He completely forgot they were in the middle of the gym at the station as the heady sensation of Buck's tongue gliding against his own clouded his brain. That is, until one of their coworkers so nicely wolf whistled at them across the bay floor. Buck ducked his head bashfully into Eddie's shoulder, like he could vanish on the spot. Leaning against one of the trucks was Ravi, Harry, and Hen. How long they were standing there, Eddie didn't know. Really, he didn't even care, which was something normally would've mortified him. At the moment, he just wanted to continue to taste Buck, the rest of the shift be damned.

True to them still being on the same wave length, Buck turned his head slightly, lips grazing the sensitive skin of Eddie's neck. "Come over after shift?"

Eddie hummed softly. "I dunno. I don't usually sleep with someone before the third date."

"Oh, so you're saying there's dates in the near future?"

"Of course, I'm a gentleman after all."

"Really? Because I wouldn't have thought a gentleman would be so quick to try and devour someone without making his intentions known first."

"Sweetheart, I don't think that's a conversation for work." Buck finally pulled away enough for Eddie to see the exaggerated pout on his face. Eddie gripped Buck's chin between his fingers, forcing the other man to hold his gaze. "I'll come over, we can talk about it more then."

"Good, because Theo really has missed his Eddie. He'll probably exhaust himself from sheer excitement."

Eddie smiled softly at the image Buck planted. He could see it clearly, a facsimile of whenever Buck would come over when Chris was still young. All that childhood wonder and excitement boiling over with nowhere else to go. He pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of Buck's mouth.

They still had a lot to actually discuss. Hurt feelings to work through. Conversations they should have had years ago. What they both want moving forward. How to actually communicate when words became too difficult without lashing out. As he leaned back, watching Buck flush a dark red, he already knew there wouldn't be anyone else. He hasn't said those three words yet, ones that he only just admitted to himself a few days ago. Not because he doesn't think that Buck would balk at them, but because they had all the time in the world to work up to it.

Despite not having to rush anything, he couldn't hold them in for more than five minutes after arriving at Buck's house. Theo's screech of excitement at seeing Eddie, his babbling that "daddy kept his promise", the look of contentment on Buck's face as he watched Eddie hold the toddler. It all looked like forever in a way that he wanted to lock down as soon as possible.