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It had been roughly 16 120 364 seconds since we began our journey to 40 Eridani A b when I realised the thing I had been missing for so long was not the rain, nor the smell of fresh cut grass, nor Kentucky Fried Chicken, it was Reddit.
Saying I missed arguing with humans was not exactly fitting, as I slowly and painfully found out more about the reason behind the decision to put me, Commander Yáo, and Engineer Ilyukhina into artificially induced comas on our way to Tau Ceti.
Rocky would not give me a break. If just the two of us wanted to kill each other after such a short time spent together, I could not imagine the case with three people during 4 years.
I think I've heard the word “stupid” more times in the last month than in my whole life back on Earth - which is saying a lot, considering how many times I have used it in my dissertation and how many times my readers have used it against me. As much as I hate the word, I did not want to give Rocky the pleasure of teaching him new insults, so “stupid” kind of became my new first name, since Rocky most likely did not even know my real one.
The set of tones he’d been using for the word “stupid” sounded suspiciously much like his word for “Grace”.
We have been arguing almost non-stop. “Stupid” this, “leaky” that, often times followed by “what time since last sleep” or, the worst of all, being ignored by a sentient rock spider. I hated being ignored by a sentient rock spider.
Often times I considered asking ARMando to put me back into a coma until we get to Erid, but I never did. I very much wished, though, that Rocky’s super hearing could be blocked from at least one small cupboard on the Hail Mary. Sometimes, when I woke up to him watching me cautiously, followed by immediately being called stupid (or it could’ve been my name, I wasn’t sure), I genuinely considered repeatedly punching him in the face. Rocky was lucky I could not break the xenonite wall between us.
The realization that the thing I had been missing had been Reddit all this time came one day after me and Rocky had had a fight about a part of the ship - where Rocky wanted to expand his lab - not being clean enough.
“Why don’t you clean up on your part of the ship? It’s not my fault you wanted to bring so much junk with.”
“Grace Grace Grace,” said Rocky in response. No, wait, I think it was actually “Stupid stupid stupid.” I hated the similarity between the words. “Grace space is dirty. Rocky space is clean. Grace space has much useless space Grace not need use.”
I threw my hands up in the air, starting to spin in the zero g as soon as I let go of my balance point. “My entire life is on this ship! You’re just returning home, I need the space more!”
“Grace stupid. Grace will have more space if clean. I can use extra space. Grace lazy.”
“What do you even need so much space for?”
Rocky was quiet for a moment. “Is secret.”
I groaned and left the room, as I had done many times before. It’s not like it mattered if I was sharing a room with him, he always knew where exactly on the ship I was and what I was doing.
“Grace need clean,” Rocky shouted over the wall.
“Grace need peace,” I mumbled.
“Grace has peace. Grace has no other work.”
“New word: annoying.”
“Rocky already know word. Grace forgot. Stupid.”
I picked up a pillow floating by my bed, put it to my face and screamed into it.
“Why Grace smothering self, question?”
See, while I lived on the Earth, I liked to spend my free time online. It was a safe space. I never used my real name on any websites, as I had been taught my entire childhood about creeps and stalkers. I suppose I could have been considered a creep and a stalker at that time, but the habit of keeping my real life private stayed.
It’s not like I ever outright hurt someone, but making people mad used to give me some kind of a positive pump I needed so much in my life. I was still yet to find something that made me more excited than telling flat earthers their IP addresses on an online stream. The looks on their faces were priceless every time.
I missed Reddit. Not as much as other social media platforms. Even though Facebook’s anti-vaccine discussions weren’t half bad, there was no place like Reddit. People would argue with you about anything on Reddit. People went to Reddit just for the sake of arguing.
I missed the conspiracy theories. I missed the creative insults that weren’t limited to “stupid”. I missed the black humor.
Oh, Reddit’s black humor, my beloved.
I wasn’t any good at making dark jokes. If my students liked me for something, it was not my ability to joke.
Whenever I got too interested in an argument with a flat earther to the point where I started zoning out in class, thinking of all the possible comebacks, I knew I needed a break. That’s when I went to Reddit and looked up posts related to the Twin Towers tragedy. That always got a laugh out of me.
You could have a memorial post to someone’s 84 year old aunt who died on that day and you would never be disappointed by the lack of popcorn jokes.
One can go a far way with mayhem causing thoughts and an anonymous account.
That’s the thing I missed. Not arguing itself, but arguing anonymously. People not knowing who you are. Being able to block the really annoying ones and never hear of them again. I missed that.
So now I’m over here, in my little corner, hiding my tablet’s screen under a blanket so Rocky wouldn’t see that I’m watching videos of 9/11, giggling at the comments.
He’d asked me before about what I was laughing about, but I never explained, of course. I think he grew pretty curious about it and he wouldn’t leave me alone for a good while, but he stopped after I finally cleaned up the space for his new lab. He’s had something mysterious to keep him busy since.
I have no idea what he keeps in there, since the xenonite separating that part of his dome is light proof. He refused to make it transparent, says it’s a surprise.
I’m curious about what he’s hiding, but hey, at least he has something to focus on and I have semi-privacy.
“Stupid?” says Rocky from his side of the wall. No, it’s just my name. I did not notice him entering the room.
I quickly shut the tablet’s screen off. “Uh, um-” I stutter, startled by his presence, “Uh, yeah?”
He points to the tablet in my hand. “What is Grace doing, question?”
“Nothing- NOTHING!” I say a little too loudly. “Did you uh- did you want something?”
Rocky stands still for a while. Then he says slowly: “Grace watching medium rough texture blocks burning, question?”
My heart skips a beat. “Whaat? Noooooooo- what are you talking about? I’m just- uh- I’m uhh…”
I babble something about writing a diary, Rocky watching me closely.
When my words run out, he speaks again. “Follow me.”
“Is something wrong…?” I mutter, trying not to looks suspicious, but Rocky has already left the room. I skitter - as much as one can skitter in zero g - behind him.
He leads me towards his new laboratory. Is he finally going to show me what’s inside?
“Are you finally going to show me what’s inside?”
Rocky chirps in agreement.
Yay, finally a distraction from the horrors!
He climbs into his windowless room and soon I hear a click from within.
“Uh, Rock?”
“Come in!”
“What?”
“Is door, come in!”
I inspect the xenonite closely. Really, there is something like a doorknob. I grab it and enter the lab.
It’s dark inside.
It makes sense. Rocky has no sense of light. But if there is something here he wants to show me, he could have thought of- oh my God.
The ceiling lights flicker on. Rocky is standing behind the transparent wall separating us by two statues.
Really, it’s one singular statue.
He built the Twin Towers.
I am at a loss for words. “Rocky, what-”
“Is medium rough texture blocks!”
“What- what is- why would you-”
Rocky’s voice slows down and drops an octave. “Grace stupid sad. Grace only smile when watching small burning medium rough texture blocks on rectangle device. Rocky made big medium rough texture blocks for Grace!”
My mouth is agape.
“Is not all!”
“No, Rocky, wait-”
Too late. Rocky pulls a big lever. The statue he built starts moving. Oh, God.
In the next 157.5 seconds or so, I witness a xenon-made puppet show of the events of 9/11. It has everything. Rocky even makes occasional squeaks of people crying for help. His attention to detail is admirable.
When the show is done, he makes and Eridian version of a “Tadaa” and bows, as he’s seen in the movies we’ve watched together.
“Grace likes, question?”
I alternate my sight between Rocky and the statue, now seemingly aflame with small puppets of humans still voicelessly crying for help, or maybe it’s mercy.
“Grace no like?” Rocky pushes gloomly.
I stare at him.
He stares at me.
“It’s very…” I pause for a long moment. “...thoughtful of you, Rocky.”
“Grace like!”
“I uh…” I now stand between an important choice. Do I tell Rocky about what really happened on 9/11 and my obsession with online harrassment, or do I simply tell him he made me happy? The correct answer seems easy to pick, it’s not like anyone will ever tell Rocky the Twin Towers incident is not something that should make people happy. At the same time though, I don’t want him to remind me of 9/11 anytime he wants to cheer me up. I steady myself and start explaining.
Rocky hasn’t said anything for about 832.72 to 833.04 seconds. It’s… unsettling, to say the least.
“You know, I don’t actually laugh because of the video itself,” I try to save my reputation at the last possible moment, “I just find funny how the commenters, uh, like, people who talk about the video, keep arguing.”
He stays silent. I’m not actually sure whether he fell asleep.
“Rocky?”
“Humans ♫♩♪ ♯♫!!” Rocky realises we lack the vocabulary needed. “Not enough swear words!”
“Yeah, I agree, I think,” I admit. “One’s species has to be pretty bad for it’s own members to criticise it.”
“Grace like this ♫♩♪, question?”
“Depending on what you mean by that insult. I find arguing online quite amusing.”
“Humans kill for no reason! Humans ♯♩♩ ♫♩♪ ♪!!”
“I don’t like killing either,” I say apologetically. “It’s just.. I dunno. At this point, 9/11 is basically a meme.”
“♯♩. Meaning last word, question?”
“Meme? Like a joke. A commonly known joke.”
“Killing joke? Killing joke for humans?? Disgust disgust disgust.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you built this whole thing to make me happy. I’m sorry for liking such bad things.”
We float in silence for a long while.
“What else makes Grace happy, question? I want make Grace happy.”
“I am happy.”
“Is lie. Grace sad sad sad. Grace miss humans, question?”
I snort. “Not really. This life is just… different, to say the least. I don’t miss humans, mostly just the internet.”
“Why miss internet, question?”
“The anonymity, I think?” I steady myself by the xenonite wall and so does Rocky. “Talking to someone one second and then never hearing of them again.”
Rocky lowers his voice again. “Grace no want talk to Rocky, question? Grace can be alone on Erid. Erid scientists can build dome where Grace will be alone.”
“No wait, I didn’t mean it like that!” I move closer to the wall separating us. “We humans just need a bit of privacy at times, that’s it. This ship was built to give some privacy to the humans on board, but Eridians perceive the world differently.” I pause and think about what to say next. “I just need some space for myself, I guess.”
“Grace no want Rocky watching him, question?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Rocky starts thinking. I start to wonder whether he’d fallen asleep again.
“Rocky can ensure,” he says after a while.
“What?”
“Rocky have enough xenonite. Rocky will dismantle new lab. Rocky build small room for Grace, Rocky no can hear inside.”
I widen my eyes. “Really? You could do that?”
“Yes, that is why I said. Stupid.”
“Yes!! Yes, Rock, that sounds awesome!”
“Good. You leave now, I build.”
“You’re the best, Rocky!” I turn to leave.
“Rocky still watch Grace sleep, statement.”
“Sure thing, bud.”