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Subaru looked up.
And up.
And up.
This wasn't a stone tower, not a brick tower, or even The Big Yahoo like he'd unfortunately gotten used to (don't ask). This tower was worse.
Because it was a tower made of archbishops.
"Wait," Subaru said slowly, "why are they stair-like?"
At the bottom level awaited the first monster: Petelgeuse Romanee-Conti—who had been extended horizontally and folded into an extremely unstable step.
"IIIIIIIIIIII AM… STAIIIIRGUEUSE!!" The monster wailed, its fingers curling into stair railing shapes. "MY DEEPLY FELT LOVE FOR THE WITCH HELPS YOUUUU—NOT REALLY!!"
Subaru paused.
"…Do I climb past you, or do we battle?"
"DO BOTH! IN SUFERRRING!!!"
Of course.
Subaru stepped up Stairguese.
As soon as Subaru's weight rested on the step, it shook in a most disturbing fashion, as if having a very strong emotional disturbance.
"OH, HOW THE UNSEEN HANDS TREMBLE IN MEEEEEEE—!!!!!"
"I CAN TELL!!!" Subaru cried, waving his arms wildly.
He fell off.
Cracked his head on the second step.
Blackness.
"—that's why I hate stairs now."
Subaru blinked awake at the base again.
This time he climbed quickly, avoiding being shaken apart by Stairguese's emotional instability.
Step two.
An eerily silent, perfectly balanced figure.
Perfect posture.
Lifeless eyes.
"Yes, of course," Subaru said with a groan. "Who else would it be?"
Regulus Corneas, now known as Regulus Stairyass, made a perfect marble step.
"You are currently infringing on my rights," Regulus said, utterly calm. "This step belongs to me. Walking upon it without my consent is an invasion of my personal space."
"You're a stair!"
"But yet, you walk on me." (Is that you, socrates?)
"…I really hate you."
As soon as Subaru put weight on it, Regulus sprung into action.
The step was absolutely unmovable.
Unmovable enough that Subaru's foot could no longer move.
His leg.
His entire body.
"Because of my right- stair edition, of course," Regulus went on, "nothing concerning me shall move forward. Not even you."
Subaru didn't stir an inch.
Not for several minutes.
"...Can I at least blink?"
"No."
He fell flat on his back, stiff as a board.
Subaru darted around Stairguese, jumped toward Regulus, dodged any possible freezing by doing a complete idiot jump—
—right into the next step.
It tittered.
Not just tittered.
It murmured.
"Love… love… love…"
Subaru didn't even glance back.
"I know who this is already."
The step trembled, shaping itself into a slightly decorative stair.
Sirius Romanee-Conti—Stairius Romanee-Conti—shook from emotional instability.
"If you were to fall… we would all go down with you, correct?" Stairius purred.
"Please don't make this a shared pain thing—"
Subaru stepped.
Immediate regret.
The whole thing started to shake together, like some kind of screaming, living slinky.
"WE SENSE YOUR TERROR!" shouted Stairius. "WE UNDERSTAND YOUR BALANCE PROBLEMS!"
"I'M GOING TO DIIIEEE FROM THOSE STAIRS," Subaru bellowed as the world tipped to one side.
He fell.
Once more.
Reset.
Attempt #17.
Subaru stood at the bottom, twitching.
"All right," he said, flexing his fingers. "New plan."
He gestured upwards.
"I'm speedrunning you."
Stairguese screeched.
Regulus objected formally.
Stairius shook with feeling.
Subaru sped up.
Up.
Up—
All the way up…
One last step.
Silent.
Holding still.
Subaru stretched out his hand—
The step cracked open its eyes.
"…Not again," Subaru murmured.
A voice spoke:
"You've climbed quite well."
Subaru paused.
"Satella… are you a stair too?"
"…Only for you."
The step shuddered.
Subaru fell.
Reset.
Subaru sat on the floor, looking up at the sky.
"…I'm installing an elevator."
-No Aura Monster for you (Im sorry but I'm an anime larper)