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Sprawled out on the floor, Lowkey stared at the ceiling in his Ranked machine room.
The adrenaline had long since left his body, giving way to exhaustion and disappointment. Lowkey kept trying to look back on his decisions during the rounds. Was there something he could have changed? Something where he could have played better and stopped it from reaching game five?
Was there any chance he could have kept playing, or was defeat waiting for him in every universe?
He tiredly raised a hand, covering his eyes with his palm to stop the endless stream of images his exhausted brain kept throwing at him.
Today’s failure was entirely his fault. He couldn’t even blame luck - after all, he was the one who let the match get to game five. If only he had played better earlier..
Lowkey slightly lifted his head, only to immediately bang it against the floor, trying to shake off the persistent thoughts. He wasn’t fast enough. He wasn’t skilled enough. He wasn’t enough, he, he, he..
The darkness of the room pulled him into its grasp, dragging every fear and bad thought out of him - and he didn’t even have the strength to resist. He didn’t have the desire to.
His own mind surrounded by the darkness was the only thing that would tell him the truth. Other people would start sugarcoating everything, cheering him up.. he didn’t need that. As painful as it was, he needed criticism and advice, not encouragement. Not comfort. Not sympathy. All of that only got on his nerves.
And yet, why did it hurt so much?
Why.. why was thinking about his mistakes so unbearable..? He should have been learning from them, not running away from them, so why did some distant, quiet, fearful part of his mind still think his defeat was undeserved? He lost, that was it. Period. If he lost, then he deserved it. Then it was his fault. Then he should have been better. He had to become better.
Right?
Slowly, he lowered his hand from his eyes.
It was trembling. He let out a dull snort. Of course it was.
There was no adrenaline. No euphoria. No happiness. No fun. No enjoyment. No satisfaction.
But at the same time, there was no disappointment, no sadness, no grief.
Lowkey felt nothing. Yes, deep down he knew what he should be feeling, but his chest was empty of emotion. He was simply.. indifferent. Though even indifference was probably too emotional a word to describe it.
He felt lost. Maybe even hollow..? He couldn’t say for sure, but something was there. Something kept festering in his heart.
The last time he had felt like this was.. quite a long time ago. Or maybe not. Lowkey could never be trusted with anything related to his own emotions, because no matter how skilled he was at reading other people, he was never capable of reading himself. His emotions didn’t have the same.. clearly defined foundation.
He was an anomaly in that regard.
Like in many others. But maybe even anomalies could be learned about and defeated.
The door quietly opened, making Lowkey’s breath catch in his throat. Slowly, he pushed himself up on one elbow and turned his head.
Hax stood in the doorway, with Rowl lingering behind him like a shadow.
In a single second, Hax was next to Lowkey, completely ignoring all his boundaries and pulling him into a crushing hug.
Lowkey felt like his soul had been knocked out of his body from how tightly he was being held.
But even with a bright sun by his side, the pain didn’t disappear.
Tears stung Lowkey’s eyes, but he squeezed them shut, refusing to let them fall. He wasn’t going to cry over this. He wasn’t going to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing how badly this defeat had shattered him. He wasn’t going to show the cracks spreading through his mask.
No. Absolutely not. Even if he had to drown in this alone, he wasn’t going to drag anyone down with him. Because dragging someone down with him meant showing them his weakness, and that was something Lowkey wasn’t ready for.
And yet, despite all his self-assurances, a quiet sob still escaped his chest. In response, soft footsteps approached, and another pair of arms wrapped around him.
If Lowkey hadn’t already been lying on the floor, he would have collapsed now, he thought with dry humor, feeling relief fill him.
He hadn’t been forgotten, at least.
***
— Good game, - a familiar voice reached Mongey’s ears, and he jolted with a yelp, clutching his chest.
— Don’t scare me like that, you more! - he huffed, exhaling in relief when Hax burst out laughing. - How did you even get in here? I locked the room!
— Rowl gave me a spare key, - Hax twirled the keychain around his finger. - He’s a little busy, so he sent me instead. How are you feeling?
— I don’t know, - Mongey sighed. -I didn’t play well anyway..
— But you did play well, - Hax tilted his head, and Mongey’s words got stuck in his throat because of how painfully sincere Hax looked. Like he genuinely believed it... believed in Mongey.
And that belief was enough for him.
***
Hax quietly let Mongey into their apartment while pressing a finger to his lips, which completely confused Mongey, though he obeyed anyway, trying to move as quietly as possible.
And the moment he stepped into the living room behind Hax, who was silently laughing.. all his life, except for the moments when he did it out loud, but that wasn’t important - so, Hax kept silently giggling.. probably ever since they’d reached the Netherite part of the residential wing.
So, the moment Mongey entered the living room, he understood the reason for Hax’s strange behavior - sprawled across the couch were three of his favorite people. In the middle sat Rowl, quietly talking to Beef, who tiredly rested his head on Rowl’s shoulder with his eyes closed. His seal hat was put off to the side, and he himself had finally changed out of his suit into normal human clothes.
On Rowl’s other side was lying - actually lying, with his head on Rowl’s leg - Lowkey, and it looked like he hadn’t simply closed his eyes - he was asleep. Rowl’s hand slowly stroked his hair.
Mongey smiled softly at the sight before him.
— Hey, Mongey, - Rowl greeted quietly.
— So this is why you were so busy you had to send Hax to get me and even give him your keys? - he asked teasingly, dropping down beside Beef, who instinctively pulled him closer.
A comfortable silence settled over them as Rowl nodded with a smile. But before Mongey could fully enjoy the silence, he noticed a sly smile on Hax’s face.
— In another lifeeeeee.. - Hax instantly started singing. Rowl immediately burst out laughing, soon joined by Mongey and then Beef. - In another life, Lowkey and I would’ve played in the finals, - he sighed dramatically.
— In another life, Mongey and I would’ve played in the third-place match, - Beef snorted tiredly.
— These playoffs aren’t canon anyway, - Hax scoffed. Rowl took a deep breath.
— I think they just proved my point. The era of skill is over - now begins the era of luck.
— Well then, wishing us good luck to survive this era, - Mongey laughed, pulling his favorite people closer to him.