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It has become glaringly clear to Buck that he isn’t able to continue working in this condition. It was pure luck that the call they were just on didn’t require him to do anything strenuous. Keeping himself upright and his head out of the toilet is becoming work in itself.
Nausea rolled through Buck causing his stomach muscles to constrict and release in sharp, rhythmic waves. He bolted to the bathroom, letting the door slam behind him, and quickly ducked to the toilets. When he was done his head was left aching and his throat was raw.
He exited the bathroom with a new layer of sweat covering his body. All of his energy was zapped from him. At any moment he was going to buckle under the weight of the secrets he’s been carrying. What will happen then?
Eddie walked into view, and pieces began clicking into place. Buck knew exactly what he needed to do.
Buck hustled toward Eddie, reaching him right as he was hopping in the ambulance. Buck stepped inside with him and sat himself on the bench seat behind Eddie as he was stocking the medicine drawer.
Eddie quipped about the busyness of their day, and Buck let the joke fall flat. He didn’t have the energy to act the part of Normal Buck right now.
“Eddie, I need your help.” Buck started. Every part of himself was screaming at him to jump back out of the ambulance, to abort the plan, and figure it out for himself. He forced down all the feelings of doubt and continued on.
The headache he’s had since this morning pounded against his skull – his body’s way of telling him to stop. He rubbed two of his fingers in small circles against his temples, hoping it would ease some of the pain. It did not.
“Sure. With what?” Eddie said as he continued to focus on restocking the ambulance.
Buck’s stomach knotted itself tightly. This was it. He took a couple of seconds to organize the thoughts in his head and gather the words for what he was going to say next. He opened his mouth to speak, then his gaze fell to the vials in Eddie’s hand. Fentanyl. He snapped his mouth shut again.
Now Buck had to make a decision: ask Eddie for help like he originally planned or he could take the fentanyl to stop his withdrawal symptoms.
Sweat gathered at his hairline, and he dragged his hand under his nose to wipe away the snot and sweat collecting there. He was torn between the two choices, his heartbeat rising at the thought of following through with either, making it clear to Buck exactly what he needed to do.
“Ed- Eddie. S- Stop, please. I need your help.” Buck said with more conviction. Time seemed to slow as Eddie turned around to finally look Buck in the face. A tiny needle of fear pricked Buck when Eddie’s eyes widened as he faced Buck for the first time. There was no more hiding now.
“You look awful.” Eddie said. He dropped the vials haphazardly into the drawer, now all of his attention focused on Buck. Buck shifted uncomfortably as Eddie’s eyes raked over him, studying and analyzing.
Every fiber of his being wanted to deflect. He wanted to tell Eddie it was just the flu or food poisoning or the plague. The worry and fear stamped on Eddie’s face made Buck regret ever stepping foot into the stupid ambulance in the first place.
“Buck, what’s going on?” Eddie’s eyes searched Buck’s. As if the answer would come to him telepathically. Buck dropped his gaze, focusing all of his concentration on keeping his hands from shaking. Eddie placed his hands on top of Buck's, and Buck met Eddie's eyes again. Eddie’s expression suddenly softened. His furrowed eyebrows loosened and the ends of his mouth turned downward. “Oh, Buck. Man, what did you do?”
Buck sniffled. Tears were building at the edges of his eyes. “I, uh, I messed up.” Buck said, nodding his head slightly as he let out a breathy chuckle. This is not who he is. Eddie had to know that this was not him.
“Okay, okay.” Eddie chose his words carefully. “I can help you. Just, you gotta tell me exactly what’s going on.”
So, Buck told him. Buck had been using since the car accident in New Mexico. He was denied a refill of his prescription by the last provider he saw, added to a database barring him from receiving another one from a different provider, and has been in withdrawal since. He wasn’t sure he could safely do the job anymore, and he knew he needed to reach out to someone.
“So I came to you.” Buck finished. Tears freely running down his face now.
Eddie could feel tears of his own starting to form, and blinked them away. He needed to focus on figuring out what to do next. He silently cursed himself for not seeing it sooner. All of the signs were there – Buck had been pushing Eddie away for weeks, lying to him, deflecting and shutting down when confronted. But, Eddie wanted to believe Buck was fine. He needed to believe it. So he chose to trust Buck when he said that he was okay.
Now Buck sat in front of him, trying to push through two days of withdrawal at work, clearly not okay. Something inside of Eddie cracked just a little.
Buck was everything to Eddie. His sounding board, his biggest hype man, his confidant, the one who holds him accountable and encourages him to take responsibility for his mistakes. Eddie wasn’t sure where he would be today without Buck in his life.
There was no one else in this world Eddie would choose to walk side by side through life with. That’s his best friend. His guiding light during his darkest moments.
Now it was Buck who was fumbling in the dark. Eddie wasn’t going to let him get lost.
Eddie encouraged Buck to do the difficult, but right thing, just like Buck had encouraged him to do so many times before. They would go to Chimney together, Buck will tell him the truth, accept the consequences and the help. He reassured Buck that he would be by his side, promising to walk with him every step of the way. Buck clung to Eddie, and to his promise, as he shined a light on the shadowy corners of his life.