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Ilya still wasn’t quite sure how he’d ended up on a date with a lesbian.
Sure, she was a hockey player. But she wasn’t his hockey player. And there was the whole lesbian thing.
He tried to smile as she leaned into him, laughing at something Bood had said. Her hair smelt like coconut and he tried not to flinch as she wrapped an arm around his waist. Man, she was better at this than he was. All he could think about was Shane. His Shane, who smelt like laundry powder, the very specific kind he ordered specially online, and the kind of natural ‘unscented’ body wash that still had a scent, no matter what Shane argued.
“So, Jane, how did you and Ilya meet?” Harris said, and Ilya tried not to feel a surge of jealousy at the way his hand sat comfortably on Troy’s thigh, like it was nothing for them to be affectionate as a queer couple in public.
The use of Jane’s name jolted Ilya back to the reason why he was here, in a bar with his lesbian “girlfriend” in the first place.
* * *
The 9 Horsemen 🐎🏒❤️🖤
Bood: BBQ at mine tomorrow?
Hazy: Hell yeah! Lisa and I will be there
Haas: Yes please. Bergy has been doing the cooking this week and he is not quite up to your standards.
Holmberg: HEY
Young: you served us raw chicken on Tuesday
Holmberg: it wasn’t RAW it was medium-rare
Bood, Hazy, Dykstra, Chouinard, Young and Haas reacted with ‘🤢’ emojis
Hazy: I’m so glad I don’t live with you three
Bood: Boys. Focus. Cassie’s doing a grocery shop later today and we need to know numbers
Dykstra: Cait and I will be there, Z
Chouinard: I’ll be there. Alone
Bood, Hazy, Dykstra reacted with ‘👎🏼’
Bood: Haas, I’m assuming if you’re coming then the other kids are?
Haas: Yes. I will bring them. We will bring beer because I’m pretty sure Bergy has contaminated our kitchen permanently at this point.
Holmberg: HEY
Barrett: Harris says can he bring Chiron
Bood: Tell him he’s only welcome IF he brings Chiron
Bood: Cap, you gonna be there?
Ilya: Sorry, Jane is staying the night before she flies out for game the next day.
Hazy: GAME
Hazy: JANE HAS A GAME TOMORROW
Hazy: WHAT KIND OF GAME
Dystra: YEAH ROZ WHAT KIND OF GAME
Bood: I KNEW she was an athlete, no one eats the shit she does for fun
Chouinard: This explains her fucked up schedule too
Ilya: Fuck.
Ilya: Yes she is athlete.
Haas: Oh wow, maybe my theory is right.
Ilya, Bood, Hazy, Dykstra, Chouinard and Barrett reacted with ‘❓’
Holmberg: Luca thinks Roz is dating a PWHL player
Young: Jane Johnson, to be specific
Chouinard: Man, Johnson is HOT
Bood, Hazy, Dykstra, Chouinard, Haas, Holmberg and Young reacted with ‘👎🏼’
Bood: Roz, defend your girl!
Ilya: I never said she was my girl.
Young: You never said she wasn’t
Hazy: Come on, Roz, you can trust us
Ilya: Fine.
Ilya: I am dating Jane Johnson from Women’s Hockey League. Happy?
Bood: We’re so happy for you Roz!!!!!
Hazy: You’re like Tony Stark and Pepper Potts if they played hockey
Ilya: What.
Hazy: A power couple!!!!!
Ilya, Bood, Hazy, Dykstra, Chouinard, Haas, Holmberg, Young and Barrett reacted with ‘👎🏼’
Haas: Wow, I can’t believe I was right.
Young: Me neither, I thought you were full of shit
Bood: Back to BBQ - everyone except Roz and Jane Johnson will be in attendance?
Hazy, Dykstra, Chouinard, Haas, Holmberg, Young and Barrett reacted with ‘👍🏼’
Ilya: Sorry Jane and I will not be there.
Bood: Next time! We want to meet her!
Ilya: Yes. Maybe next time.
* * *
Ilya placed his phone facedown on the coffee table and scrubbed at his face.
Shane, who was reading beside him with his feet in Ilya’s lap, put his bookmark in immediately.
“Is something wrong, baby?” he asked.
Ilya groaned.
“I fucked up, Shane.”
“What? What happened?”
Shane shuffled closer to Ilya, alarmed, so now he was practically sitting in his boyfriend’s lap.
“I may have accidentally told the team ‘Jane’ has a game on Monday. And then I may have panicked and let them think Jane is a hockey player when they figured it out.”
Shane’s eyes widened as he listened.
“They think Jane is a hock- Oh my god. Jane Johnson. Right wing for the Victoires. She was drafted two years ago.”
As freaked out as Ilya was right now, he still felt a surge of fondness at Shane citing hockey facts. Like Ilya didn’t know his own fake girlfriend.
“Yes. They think I am dating Jane Johnson. Even though she is almost definitely a lesbian.”
Shane scoffed and rolled his eyes. “How the hell would you know that?”
“I have excellent gaydar. Best in the league,” Ilya said proudly.
“Well, half the PWHL are lesbians anyway so even if you are right you probably don’t deserve any credit.”
It was Ilya’s turn to scoff, but then he held Shane’s knees gently and decided to be serious again.
“What do I do now? They think I am dating this Jane. But really I’m dating you.”
Shane had his problem-solving face on. Usually, there wasn’t a problem Shane Hollander couldn’t fix with a bit of research and a spreadsheet, but Ilya thought this was out of even his wheelhouse.
“What if,” Shane began slowly, sliding his hands over Ilya’s, “you talked to Jane Johnson.”
Ilya looked at him flatly.
“What would I say? Hi, Jane, nice to meet you. I know you are lesbian but would you please date me so I can keep my real boyfriend a secret?”
Shane played with Ilya’s fingers before answering. “Well, yeah. I mean, I’ve met the Victoires before at a few events. They’re really nice.”
Ilya looked at him incredulously.
“You are serious? You want me to fake date a woman?”
Shane’s eyes flashed with anger, or, more likely, jealousy, before he replied with a deliberately even tone, “I don’t see what else you can do. Your team already thinks you’re dating her. And we aren’t ready to come out yet, so.”
I am ready to come out, Ilya thought, a little bitterly. I don’t want to fake date anyone when I am real dating the most wonderful man in the world.
He didn’t say any of that, though. Instead, he closed the small distance between him and Shane and kissed him long and slow, untangling their hands to cup Shane’s face and stroke over his cheekbone.
“Okay,” he said when they broke apart, Shane a little breathless. “I will message Jane Johnson and ask her to date me.”
* * *
Instagram DMs beetwen @IlyaRozanov81 and @JaneJohnsonOfficial
Ilya Rozanov: Hello, good game last week. I have weird favour to ask. But first, you are a lesbian?
Jane Johnson: Hello??? That’s none of your business??? Go fuck yourself
Ilya Rozanov: No, sorry! I am bisexual.
Jane Johnson: Oh
Jane Johnson: Look, I’m probably not the best person to talk to about this
Ilya Rozanov: You are not lesbian?
Jane Johnson: Oh my god
Jane Johnson: Okay, fine, I am a lesbian. Happy?
Ilya Rozanov: More than you know 😊
Jane Johnson: I’m not out though. So why did you message me?
Ilya Rozanov: I have small favour to ask. It is to do with my bisexuality. Wanted to make sure you weren’t homophobic first. And also, I told my boyfriend you were gay and he didn’t believe me.
Jane Johnson: Well, you’re welcome for helping you win an argument with your boyfriend?
Jane Johnson: Wait you have a boyfriend
Jane Johnson: Aren’t you like a huge slut for women
Ilya Rozanov: Takes one to know one 😝
Jane Johnson: I feel like I need to remind you that you don’t know me at all
Ilya Rozanov: You’re right, I am sorry.
Ilya Rozanov: And I am not a huge slut anymore.
Ilya Rozanov: Except for my boyfriend.
Ilya Rozanov: Anyway, the favour.
Jane Johnson: I can’t believe I’m still having this conversation
Ilya Rozanov: Please don’t go. Is important.
Jane Johnson: What’s the favour
Ilya Rozanov: So, you can’t tell anyone this.
Jane Johnson: Okay…
Ilya Rozanov: My boyfriend is Shane Hollander.
Jane Johnson: Wow. Was not expecting that
Ilya Rozanov: Most people don’t.
Jane Johnson: Other people know??
Ilya Rozanov: No. Just his parents, his best friends, and my best friend.
Jane Johnson: That sounds really hard Ilya
Jane Johnson: I don’t want to feel bad for you because you basically made me out myself to you but I do
Jane Johnson: What does any of this have to do with me?
Ilya Rozanov: Shane and I have nicknames for each other in our phones. And people around us have accidentally seen those nicknames. Including my team.
Jane Johnson: And??
Ilya Rozanov: Shane’s name in my phone is Jane. So my team knows I am dating someone called “Jane”. And earlier today I may have accidentally told them that she is an athlete. And they may have come to the conclusion that she is you.
Jane Johnson: Jesus
Jane Johnson: And you didn’t correct them??
Ilya Rozanov: I panicked!!!!
Ilya Rozanov: Shane and I are not ready to come out yet.
Ilya Rozanov: It is one thing being gay and bisexual, but we are also big rivals in the league. It would be whole thing. Huge deal. It would fuck everything up.
Jane Johnson: They really do make it seem like you two hate each other
Jane Johnson: But you’re secretly fucking
Ilya Rozanov: Yes. There is a lot of fucking.
Jane Johnson: Gross
Ilya Rozanov: There is also a lot of love.
Jane Johnson: Slightly less gross
Ilya Rozanov: Anyway, Jane, small tiny favour I have to ask you.
Ilya Rozanov: Will you go on a date with me?
Jane Johnson: I thought we established that I’m a lesbian. And you’re sleeping with and in love with a man
Ilya Rozanov: Yes but my team thinks I am sleeping with and in love with a woman.
Jane Johnson: So what, you want to pretend to date me til you and Shane are ready to come out?? When will that even be???
Ilya Rozanov: Soon, hopefully.
Jane Johnson: Won’t your team be upset that you lied to them?
Ilya Rozanov: They will understand, I think.
Jane Johnson: If they’re so understanding why can’t you just tell them the truth
Ilya Rozanov is typing…
Ilya Rozanov: I would tell them, I think, if it was just up to me. But Shane is scared. His team is not like my team. I think he can’t imagine people not reacting badly.
Jane Johnson: Oh
Jane Johnson: I always knew Montreal sucked
Ilya Rozanov: Yes, the women’s team is much better.
Jane Johnson: 😏
Jane Johnson: I’ll do it, by the way
Ilya Rozanov: Really?
Jane Johnson: Yeah, fuck it, I’ve always wanted to be a beard
Ilya Rozanov: Thank you, Jane.
Jane Johnson: You better take me on a fucking good date
Ilya Rozanov: I was thinking maybe bar next time the team goes with the WAGs? Don’t worry, you won’t have to do too many dates, they know you’re busy with work.
Jane Johnson: You better buy me the best vodka they have in that bar, Ilya Rozanov. I know they pay you ten times what they pay me
Ilya Rozanov: Probably more like hundred times
Jane Johnson: 😡
Ilya Rozanov: Sorry, is fucked up, I’m just saying.
Ilya Rozanov: Wait you like vodka?
Jane Johnson: Yes. It’s my drink of choice
Ilya Rozanov: Jane Johnson I think this whole growing a beard thing won’t be so bad.
Jane Johnson: If you say so, Rozanov
* * *
So now, Ilya was at a bar with Jane Johnson, talented right wing and lesbian, and as great as she was, he regretted every decision that had lead him here.
This wasn’t the first date they’d been on - they’d ended up going to a private restaurant in Boston when she’d been there for a game; it had felt completely wrong meeting anyone but Shane, and completely devastating that he could go out to dinner with this woman and not his own boyfriend - but it wasn’t getting any easier the more they did it.
Jane, for her part, played a straight woman very convincingly. Or at least a woman that was interested in men - her queerness still shone through for Ilya to see, which made the whole thing slightly more bearable. At least he was doing this with someone who knew what it was like to hide.
But it still felt like a punch to the gut every time one of his teammates commented on how amazing Jane was, every time a WAG said they were excited to have a new member, every time a magazine printed photos of them speculating on whether Ilya Rozanov had met his match and finally settled down.
Because he had met his match. His match was currently sitting in bed reading, in his insanely sexy glasses, waiting for Ilya to call him to say goodnight.
And would the team think his Shane was amazing? Would the WAGs be excited to get to know Shane Hollander, second best player in the league? Would Ilya’s relationship be so championed and welcomed when it was with a man who supposedly hated him?
Ilya knew the Centaurs were good people. They would be surprised, shocked even, but he saw how they treated Troy and Harris. How they talked about Scott Hunter and Eric Bennett. Fuck, even how they listened to Jane’s stories about her queer teammates and didn’t bat an eyelid. It was hard to remember that though, sometimes, especially when Shane’s anxiety around coming out was always simmering away, threatening to spill over.
Jane, who had become quite a good friend over the past month they’d been doing this, squeezed his arm and mouthed, “You okay?”
He looked down at her and nodded, and she seemed satisfied. Shane would not have been satisfied. Shane would have pulled him closer and teased an honest answer out of him with gentle kisses and firm hands.
As if summoned by his thoughts, Ilya’s phone rang. He pulled away from Jane to answer it.
“Hi, moy lyubimyy,” he said quietly into the speaker, hoping no one on his team had suddenly decided to learn Russian.
“Come home,” Shane replied, sounding desperate.
Ilya blocked his other ear with a finger and walked away from the group.
“What? Shane, is everything okay?”
He heard a shaky breath.
“Yes. I’m fine. I just- I miss you. I can’t do this anymore. I need to talk to you.”
Ilya felt a bit sick.
“I miss you too, sweetheart. What can’t you do anymore?”
“This whole fake dating thing. I know it was my idea. I’m sorry. Just- just come home so we can talk.”
“Shane, I am in Ottawa,” Ilya reminded him gently.
“I know. So am I,” Shane replied, somewhat impatiently. “I drove to yours. Just arrived. I know I wasn’t meant to arrive until tomorrow but I had to see you.”
Ilya caught his breath. His Shane, so close, and he was at a fucking bar with a fake fucking girlfriend and a team he was fucking lying to.
“I’m coming, moya lyubov,” he said. “I’ll be there soon.”
He would always, always come when Shane called.
* * *
One week later
“So,” Bood said in amusement as he pulled off his pads. “What’s the big announcement? Got another secret girlfriend in the PWHL?”
The whole team was in the locker room after practice, half dressed and sweaty. It probably wasn’t the best time to tell them, but it definitely wasn’t the worst. At least he could leave straight after, if it went badly. It won’t go badly, he reminded himself. Besides, he couldn’t talk himself out of it now. Shane would be here by now, waiting in his car outside for a text from Ilya saying he could come in.
“Haha,” Ilya said, trying not to sound terrified. “No, no more secret girlfriends. But that is what I wanted to talk about.” He cleared his throat and stared at his untied skates.
“Whatever it is, Cap, it’s okay,” Troy said softly.
Troy, the only one who knew Ilya was bisexual. The only one who had probably seen through the whole Jane Johnson thing but hadn’t said a word because he’d known Ilya wasn’t ready.
Ilya focused on him as he said his next words, “Jane Johnson is not my girlfriend. Never has been. I don’t have a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend.”
The team all looked at each other in confusion.
“So Jane was like a beard?” Lucas asked, the first to break the silence.
“Yes. Exactly. I’m sorry I lied to you all. When you guessed I was dating her, I didn’t know how to deny it without telling you I was dating Sh- dating a man.”
“But Cap,” Bood said slowly, “why would we have an issue with you being gay?”
“I am bisexual,” Ilya said.
“Point stands,” Bood said, undeterred.
Ilya sighed.
“I know you are not homophobic. Or biphobic. But. You may have an issue with the particular man I am dating.”
If possible, the team looked even more confused.
Holmberg, ever the diplomat, gave an exasperated groan. “Just tell us who it is, Cap!”
In response, Ilya got out his phone. He and Shane had said they’d do this part together, which was especially brave on Shane’s part.
“He can tell you himself in a second.”
The Centaurs erupted in questions and speculation about who “he” was, and was it another hockey player, was he much younger than Ilya, was he married? The commotion ceased abruptly when there was a knock at the door and a very nervous looking Shane Hollander stuck his head in.
Despite his fear, despite the incredulous looks on his teammates faces, Ilya couldn’t help but smile at the sight of his boyfriend.
Cautiously, Shane made his way over to Ilya and only flinched the slightest bit when Ilya took his hand.
“Boys,” Ilya said, and squeezed Shane’s hand tightly. “This is Shane Hollander. My real boyfriend.”
* * *
The 9 Horsemen 🐎🏒❤️🖤
Bood: Thank you for telling us, Roz
Bood: Tell Shane it was great to meet him
Dykstra: Tell him we’ll still beat his ass in our next game against Montreal but yeah, it was great to meet him
Chouinard: Seconded
Haas: I can’t believe you’re dating Shane Hollander, Cap.
Young: Luca is jealous
Holmberg: Of both of you
Haas: No I’m not!
Bood, Dykstra, Chouinard, Young, Holmberg and Barrett have reacted with ‘🤨’
Barrett: Thank you for letting us meet Shane, Roz
Barrett: Let it be known I figured it out ages ago but it was nice to be proven right
Bood: You KNEW
Dykstra: His name in Cap’s phone was a woman’s!
Chouinard: His name in Cap’s phone rhymed with his real name but okay.
Dykstra: Fuck off, you didn’t figure it out either
Hazy: We’re really happy for you, Cap
Haas: Yes. We’re very happy and NOT JEALOUS
Bood: I can’t wait til he comes to a barbecue
Bood: I get to feed Shane fucking Hollander
Ilya: Thank you all ❤️ I wish I could have told you sooner but I’m glad you know now.
Ilya: Luca, is okay to be jealous. Shane is very beautiful man. Almost as beautiful as me.
Ilya: Also Bood Shane eats rabbit food.
Bood: 😭😭 How could I forget
Bood: Love you man
Hazy: Love you Cap
Dykstra: Love you Cap
Chouinard: Love you Cap
Haas: Love you Cap
Young: Love you Cap
Holmberg: Love you Cap
Barrett: Love you Cap (no homo though)
Ilya: 😭 I love you all
Ilya: Except you Barrett
Barrett: 😘
Ilya: Now I have to go, Shane just got out of the shower and I must let him know how good he looks 😏
Bood: There’s going to be a lot of that now isn’t there
Ilya: A lot of what.
Ilya: 😈
Ilya: Bye bye boys, time to go ravage my boyfriend.
* * *
Shane walked over to the bed as Ilya threw his phone down on the duvet and stretched happily.
“How are you feeling after this afternoon?” Shane asked, and laughed as Ilya crawled up to the edge of the bed faux-seductively to meet him.
“I,” Ilya said, tugging Shane closer by the towel around his hips, “am feeling like I love my boyfriend very, very much.”
Shane smiled at him all gooey eyed and rested a hand in his hair.
“I love you very, very much, too,” he said.
Ilya moved his hands to the front of Shane’s towel and slowly untucked it, letting it drop to the floor.
“What are you going to do about it?” he said slyly.
“I’m gonna kiss you about it,” Shane said. “More than kiss you, actually.”
And Ilya, too happy to be teasing, beamed at him and pulled his boyfriend down to kiss him for a very, very long time.