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Gavin had been sure he was about to die. That was all he could think when his heart began to thump out of its chest that morning, and by the look Geoff had gave him, he’d been sure it was true.
What had started as a normal, typical day had come shattering and crashing down, threatening to bring Gavin down with it. He didn’t even know what had set it off, because the day had only just begun.
A slight head ache and a few jitters had progressed to the point where Gavin could only stand and stare at the front door as Geoff’s words spoke over him, dulled and muted as everything around him began to black out. Lines, colours and shapes blurred and voices muffled, heart racing and head splitting - he didn’t know what to do, and so just stood with his chest threatening to burst and his head screaming that this was it.
I’m going to die, this is what it is. I’m actually dying, why isn’t Geoff helping me?
He couldn’t decide if it was the prospect of work, or some hidden worry he’d forgotten about, but that had never fazed him before - he was never an anxious person. He couldn’t even answer as Geoff’s voice seemed to curl around him in nonsensical patterns, everywhere at once but not registering in his ears and not making sense in his head. All he could feel was that thumpthumpthump against his ribcage, hypersensitive to the point where he could swear it hurt.
“Gavin, what’s wrong? Gavin?”
All he’d done was get ready for work, ignoring the pains in his head and the beat in his chest, stomach lurching and palms sweating as he headed out the door. It was as though there was an invisible barrier that he’d hit, knocking him dizzy in one stroke. When his heart gradually quickened to the point where his frame began to shake, his thoughts seemed to filter to one idea only. Even the comforting touch on his arm couldn’t bring his head away from that one, if not misled, idea.
It’s a heart attack. I’m having a heart attack. I can’t even breathe.
His fear was suddenly rising quicker than his heart-beat even could, and when Geoff noticed the panicked look in Gavin’s eyes – he knew, and felt his own stomach lurch as Gavin’s body began to shake near violently.
“C’mon, Gavin. It’s all right, come here.”
Geoff’s arm wrapped around the Brit’s shoulder and awkwardly manoeuvred him to the sofa. His reactions were sluggish and Geoff could almost hear the flutter of Gavin’s pulse as he struggled to contain his anxiety.
Of all the people to have a panic attack, Gavin would have been the last person for Geoff to bet on. He looked positively sick, face pale and sweat beginning to clutch at the fringe of his hair, sticking it to his forehead.
“Geoff…Geoff…please,” Gavin only managed to mutter the older man’s name out like a broken record, none of the questions that filled his head ever making it out past his tightened throat. His eyes looked completely unfocused and filled with confusion as he stared at Geoff’s face.
The Brit’s expression nearly screamed out at the older man, willing him to do something, to ring an ambulance or get some help. But Geoff had seen exactly the same thing with Burnie and he knew there was nothing to do but get a doctor’s appointment after it had stopped.
“It’s alright Gav, I’ve got you. You’re okay.”
When Gavin’s fingers clutched onto Geoff’s arms almost painfully, he knew the Brit didn’t believe him and pulled Gavin against him, hands running up and down his back as soothing as he could make them under the shudders of the younger man’s nerves. His breathing was coming out in ragged gasps by then, and if Geoff hadn’t have known any better, he could have sworn he was sobbing against his chest.
All the while, Geoff’s voice muttered uncharacteristically calm encouragements into Gavin’s ear, pressing feather-light kisses against his temple in an aid to assure him that he was in fact there, and that Gavin would be fine as long as he was.
As time passed, little by little, Gavin’s body seemed to relax but still his heart thundered on, and still he feared the worse. For once in his life, Gavin’s head just didn’t seem to find the explanation or the ignorance to keep him calm or happy.
He shifted his arms around Geoff’s neck in an attempt to press closer to his body, just needing to know that someone was there. His ears still seemed disconnected, but at the very least he could feel what Geoff was trying to say. In an aid to further sink into the comfort, he pressed himself against the side of Geoff’s neck, feeling the vibrations rolling off his tongue even if he couldn’t hear them right.
Geoff tried to catch a glimpse of Gavin’s face as the Brit shifted, but only managed to see that his eyes were still filled with a vacant kind of fright that unnerved him even more. Shuffling on the sofa, his arms wound around Gavin’s waist a little tighter, littering kisses atop of his shoulder like it was the most natural thing in the world, which in essence – it was. The pain in Gavin’s chest seemed to burn out, slowly but surely, and little by little his head seemed to move away from that central fear and his fright began to falter.
“Geoff?”
The tone almost sounded like Gavin was lost, which in a way he was.
“What just happened?”
The shift between Gavin’s usual, loud demeanor this scared, insignificant voice was terrifying in itself, and Geoff leaned back to see Gavin looking pale and as though he hadn’t slept in a lifetime, when in reality he’d only just woken up.
Putting a hand to Gavin’s forehead he forced a smile, nearly chuckling as Gavin tried to return the gesture even in his shocked state. The older man pushed the swear-laced hair out of Gavin’s face, and pressed a kiss there, noticing a little colour return to the Brit’s cheeks.
“Panic attack, I think.”
“You think?”
Geoff knew he had to be careful not to wind Gavin up again, but laughed a little all the same.
“Fine, jackass. I know.”
Gavin looked dazed, and stared for the longest time until he felt a similar lump in is throat, but not one as frightening. Geoff was at a loss of what to do, and the nervous glint in Gavin’s green eyes still lingered. Tilting his head forward, he placed the lightest of kisses against Gavin’s lips and felt the other press forward, not entirely kissing back, but showing him that he’d felt the touch all the same. Gavin stayed in that limbo for what seemed like an age, until Geoff began to move, his limbs aching.
Shifting back and trying to relieve the pins and needles running up his legs, Gavin followed him, head tucked under Geoff’s chin and hands clutching the material around his sides. He let out a long sigh and shook his head. With each intake of air that didn’t burn or seem to cause a convultion, Gavin’s senses seemed to come back online. In an aid to ignore the tense air and the tingling sensation across his lips, his voice finally spoke up, if not a little hoarse.
“That was bloody horrible.”
Geoff ignored the attempt at humour, muttering a subdued “I've got you.” before fingers curled through Gavin’s hair in careful strokes.
The younger man nodded, breathing in the comforting smell that was simply just Geoff. Swallowing thickly, he rid himself of the last of his anxiety that settled in his throat as Geoff kissed the top of his head again, touch lingering there for a moment until Gavin spoke.
“I know.”
Though his body still shook, the touches running through his hair and across his back seemed to keep them under control.
After all, Geoff was still there, pressing lingering kisses against his temple that brought everything back down to Earth.