Chapter Text
She hadn't expected to be here. Honestly, she hadn't expected to be anywhere when that end came for her, she thought it was finally over. Truth be told during that last snow when she knew she might die she wished for it. She didn't want to be in a world without So... without their daughter. When she'd left the palace and left So behind she'd felt like she left her heart there too. Not to mention there was this immense guilt at leaving without telling him about their child. Even in a time like this she knew. A mother always knows when her child is there. from the moment it is first thought of to the moment she dies a mother always knows. He must have hated her, God, how So must have hated her for leaving.... and yet it couldn't compare to how much she hated herself.
In the end that was probably what killed her. Giving life to something so much the product of a beautifully complicated love and the guilt that she had taken that life away from her King... from her greatest love. She died in the arms of another man. That was probably the greatest source of her guilt and in the end though she tried to write him and to send for him, she died with her heart in another place and his died with her.
“Soo-ya, in your next life, you will remember me, won’t you?” Her husband Jung had asked as he held her close.
“I’m going to forget you. I will forget everything. Even in my dreams… I will forget all of you.” It was a cruel promise, but after so much happiness and heart ache she found she didn't want to remember any of it. She didn't want to remember her lover or her friends or the enemies she'd made. She didn't want to remember Hae Soo, but she didn't want to be Go Ha Jin either. She just wanted to fade away.
*******************March 13, 2017***************
“Ha Jin-ah? Oh my god you’re awake!” Her mother’s voice filled her ears as she blinked and looked around.
“Ha Jin? What happened?” She muttered in confusion and tried to lift herself up only to be lowered down gently, but firmly by a nurse that had just come in. She barely had time to adjust to what was going on when she heard it, the voices in the hallway that belonged to her old best friend and her ex-boyfriend. They were insisting on seeing her to the nurse and calling out a name that didn’t feel like it belonged to her anymore.
“I w-won’t see them.” She told her. She was still speaking formally. She was speaking in the old language. Not quite Chinese but far from the modern and casual Korean that she’d spoken in this life. Hearing the machines beep and seeing the confused look on her mother’s face the realization hit her hardest. She wasn’t Go Ha Jin anymore and yet she couldn’t be Hae Soo in this life either. It made her feel sick… she was going to be sick… she was sick.
“That’s enough all of you have to leave.” The nurse insisted even rushing her mother out as she emptied her stomach of food that wasn’t there.
“You were asleep for a long time. Sometimes things like this will happen.” The nurse soothed. What she didn’t understand was that she wasn’t crying because she’d gotten sick; she was crying for the person she used to be, for the person she’d been before waking up and for the life she’d been thrown back into. Her own daughter was long since dead along with her So and Jung and Eun and Wook and Baek Ah. They were all gone and she was here getting treated for the coma she’d gone into for saving a little boy’s life. She was still homeless and jobless and her ex and best friend were still together. What was the point? She wanted to scream at the injustice of it all.
Three months had come and gone since the day she’d woken up in that hospital. Since then she had started a small cosmetics line made of natural ingredients. It was just the same as when she dreamed she was working as a court lady in Goryeo and when she’d worked on the soap and make up before when Lady Hae was still alive. Hae Soo’s beautiful, but sickly cousin; she gave a wan smile as she remembered her dreams of the beautiful woman and her husband.
She was selling her makeup in a kiosk at the university today when she overheard the voice of a young woman telling the history of cosmetics in the Goryeo era and out of curiosity she wandered over to listen in. The dreams of the girl Hae Soo had long since stopped much to her relief, but it had left her with an interest in the history of Korea that she had never had before and the idea to start her business so honestly she was grateful for them. For a moment back in the hospital, she had been convinced they weren’t dreams. Her mother had been quick to tell her it was ridiculous and after a while even she’d convinced herself that it couldn’t be true every day until she forgot.
“Go Ha Jin.” A professor came up to her and read the name on her shirt. “You know in the Goryeo era the surname ‘Go’ was actually translated as ‘Hae’. Are you a student?” He asked as the other students filed out of the open area a few of the girls stopping by her kiosk to admire the wide array of ingredients and makeup sprawled out across the table.
“Actually no, I just found it ironic. I am selling cosmetics inspired by Goryeo era cosmetics. I just started a company of my own. It was kind of a funny coincidence” Ha Jin admitted.
“There is no such thing as coincidence. Things only return to their rightful place. I have to go but you should look into the Goryeo exhibit when you have a free moment. Also I would get back to that kiosk before that girl runs off with your rose oil.” The professor told her and something itched at the back of her mind. It was the voice of another man talking about Bulgarian rose oil though she was sure she’d never heard that voice before.
“Would you like to look at some of the new BB cream? The recipe was created in Goryeo but perfected as time has gone by.” She fumbled a little with the right words as she was talking to the girls at the kiosk but gasped as she was hit with the images of a man in ancient clothes with a scar that ran across one eye and a wave of grief like she hadn’t felt since she’d woken up in the hospital.
“Ha Jin-ah? Are you alright?” Her friend and cofounder of the company came over from where she was handing out flyers.
“Can you watch the kiosk? I need to take a moment.” Her voice was shaky but she managed to speak some that was something.
She had gotten off only just before the exhibit closed and was wandering through the many painted images when some very specific ones caught her eye. They were of the rain ritual and somehow she was hit with memories that shouldn’t belong to her each one hitting harder than the last. These were Baek Ah’s paintings. They had to be… It wasn’t a dream. That one thought solidified in her mind as she sobbed.
Finally she stopped at an image of King Gwangjong remembering So perfectly. She read the biography next to it detailing his legacy as a good King. She remembered that day at the rain ritual when she’d been so sure that he wouldn’t go down in history as a tyrant king.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry for leaving you alone.”
******************** Goryeo (Wang So POV)*********************
An eclipse had fallen over the palace about a week after he brought her urn home. It was an omen of great sadness astronomer Choi had told him just before telling him that he needed to be strong for his people and forget Hae Soo because she had never really been a part of that world to begin with. So dismissed the old astronomer and walked out to the courtyard alone.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry for leaving you alone.” Hae Soo’s voice fell on the wind and he looked around hopeful for the love he’d lost.
“Hyung-nim,” Baek Ah’s voice called out to him cutting through whatever he’d thought he heard. “Wook has passed away. His illness overtook him. I will be leaving the palace soon as well. Will you be alright brother?” Baek Ah asked him. It still struck So as odd that someone cared about his wellbeing but Baek and Soo had always been that way to him. As soon as Baek Ah left he looked over his shoulder. Soo had always come when he felt his most alone but this time there was no small woman with a bright smile to wait for him and he gave a sardonic laugh.
“Life is fleeting.” He muttered. His father had said the same thing once. Right before he died even.
“If we had met in another world, and in another time, I can’t help but think how great that would have been,” she said. “If only that were so, I wouldn’t fear anything. I could freely, truly, love you all I wanted.” The memory of that day echoed around him and he finally understood how she felt. He wiped off the makeup that covered his scar feeling once again like that wolf-dog he used to be instead of the great king he had become to his people.
“If you and I are not of the same world, then I will find you my Soo-yah.” He said. It was a promise not only to her, but to the gods that watched over them as well. He would always find her.