Chapter Text
Eddie Diaz has been through a lot in his life, especially in recent years. From having a kid and joining the military at just nineteen all the way to joining the LAFD 118 were running into flames were the least of his problems. Getting buried alive in wet mud and getting shot and lying on the brink of death after saving a kid from abuse changes you as a person. And when you add the anxiety and PTSD from everything combined, it isn't pretty. And then he had to go and fuck things up even further.
After Shannon left, he promised he'd get his shit together and be there for Christopher. And he did the best he damn well could. Then she came back and it felt like life had finally come together for him. Until... She left again. And this time she wasn't coming back. He'll never forget having to watch life leave her eyes inside that ambulance.
And from that day forward, he created a new promise to himself. He told himself he'd do everything in his power to be there for Christopher ten times more than he already was.
After all, he was all the kid had left. And for the last five years, he kept true to that promise.
But three weeks ago, that foundation he created... was shattered.
He went and fucked things up, getting lost in his repressed grief and cheating on Marisol with Shannon's doppelganger. And of course, Chris had to come home early from the zoo, with Marisol, and catch him in the act of standing with the woman that looked exactly like the kid's dead mother. His son's words still echo in his mind. "Mom?".
And then three days later, Chris was gone. The kid had called his grandparents and decided he wanted to go live with them in El Paso. They came and got him, and the rest was history. Eddie couldn't even get the kid to look at him, that's what hurt the most.
And life hasn't gotten any easier. Because now, within his current present, he found himself sitting on his bed, trying his hardest not to have the biggest and ugliest breakdown of his life. The memories coming down on him like a truck along with regrets that allow the self-hatred to creep in. And before he knew it, the room was a mess.
His anger and his grief were rising, and he couldn't control it any longer. Anger surged through him, hot and uncontrollable. He began to cry, lashing out as he threw things around, the chair next to his bedside table being flung across the room, shattering the lamp. The dresser was knocked over, sheets were pulled from the bed, and soon the room was in shambles, looking like an unexpected stampede ran through, leaving destruction in its wake.
And as he finished, taking a moment to breathe as he tried to calm himself down, he walked forward, stumbling upon a singular photo frame that once stood upon his now damaged dresser. The broken glass crunched beneath his feet, a stark reminder of the past now lying in disarray. He looked down and stared for a second before picking it up, his fingers tracing the outlines of the happy memory that was frozen in time.
And soon, the sudden second wave of grief hit him, and he could feel the relentless weight of his emotions pressing down, pulling him further into despair. He could no longer contain it. Opening his bedroom door and leaving it ajar behind him, he stumbled into Chris's room, the air stilled and heavy, as if time had frozen in that very moment. The room was untouched, bed made, games and books scattered across the room, posters still stuck to the wall, filled with echoes of their shared laughter now haunting him. It was like stepping into a museum, and he felt utterly alone among it.
Collapsing next to Chris's empty bed, Eddie hugged the picture close, his body wracked with sobs. The shadows of self-doubt loomed larger now, fueled by more haunting spectors of regret. Why hadn't he done more? Why couldn't he have been better? Why is he such a fuck-up? The words echoed in his mind on an endless loop.
As the weight of what was lost pressed down onto him, he realized that the silence that filled the room would forever remind him that some questions would never find answers. At least, not for him.
//////////
Evan Buckley stood in the middle of the local grocery store, scanning the brightly lit shelves as he searched for snacks to take to Eddies. It had been three weeks since Chris left for El Paso, and Buck knew that Eddie was silently struggling with the aftermath and wanted to be there for him as much as he could be. He felt a deep sense of responsibility to help Eddie navigate through this difficult time and hoped that a movie night could and would lift up both of their spirits.
As he pushed the cart through the isles, Buck pondered over the essentials. Popcorn was a must and the butter to go with it. Maybe even some flavors he knew Eddie loved. He also wanted to buy a variety of candies to make things a bit more festive. He remembered Eddie's fondness for gummy bears and decided to throw in at least two bags of those, along with some chocolate covered pretzels for himself. With each item added to his cart, he envisioned their evening together. Two friends sitting on the couch, familiar banter, the flicker of the television casting shadows as they escaped into stories far removed from reality for a few hours.
Eventually, he wandered into the frozen section, contemplating Pizza Rolls versus Nachos. Eddie had always been a nacho guy, but Buck figured pizza rolls might be an easier snack to munch on when caught up in the film he was bringing tonight. After deliberating, he tossed a box of pizza rolls into his cart and substituted the nachos with a box of mozzarella sticks and moved on, satisfied with his selection.
Then, he moved further down where he came face to face with the ice cream freezer. Ice Cream was always a comfort food of his, as it was for most people, when going through a tough time. He figured it could also help Eddie. So, he grabbed some Rocky Road, Eddie's favorite, and threw it into the cart along with some cookies and cream for himself.
Once he was finished shopping, Buck felt a sense of accomplishment. He was determined to make this night special, no matter how many stupid snacks he needed to buy. He knew that even simple acts, like sharing a bowl of popcorn and letting the worries fade into a movie plot, could bring a measure of healing to Eddie, even if it was a slow process.
Once he made it back to the parking lot and got his jeep filled up with his groceries, Buck hopped into the vehicle and started the engine. And once he looked both ways, he began to back out and make his way over to Eddies.
As he drove, his phone began to ring. It was Bobby. Without hesitation, he picked it up.
"Hey, pops." Buck chuckled. "How's it going?"
"Hey, kid." Bobby's voice spoke through the speaker. "Just checking in on you. How's your day off been?"
"It's going well. Slow, but well." Buck started with a sigh. "I'm just heading over to Eddies with some snacks. Thought a little movie night could lift his spirits."
Buck smiled as the image of Eddie's smile appeared in his mind.
"That's a great idea, kid. You know, sometimes just being there for someone can mean the world," Bobby encouraged, and Buck could hear the nod of approval in his tone. "Make sure you pick something good to watch, though. Nothing depressing. Y'all will probably want action or laughter tonight."
"Yeah, don't worry," Buck laughed. "I have a movie I've been begging Eddie to watch. He'll enjoy it."
"Perfect!" Bobby chuckled. "I'm sure Eddie will appreciate what you're doing." Bobby said softly. "He always does."
"Yeah," Buck nods, forgetting Bobby can't see him. "Thanks, Bobby."
"I'm always here to help." Bobby chuckles. "Well, I got to go. Athena just finished cooking dinner."
"Well, I'll let you go." Buck nods, continuing to forget Bobby couldn't see him. "Have a good night."
When the call finally ended, Buck was already halfway to Eddie's house.
//////////
When he arrived, he pulled into the parking lot and parked his jeep right next to Eddie's truck like he always does. He then removed himself from the vehicle, grabbed the groceries and headed inside after using his key to unlock the door.
When he entered, the house seemed quieter than usual, but he brushed it off and blamed it on Chris not being around anymore. He closed the door behind him and stumbled to the kitchen, putting the grocery bags on the counter before he dropped them. He could've called and asked Eddie to come outside and help but he didn't tell him when he was stopping by, so he wanted to surprise him.
He quickly put the food away and made sure to get the ice cream into the freezer before it became a melted mess. Things were going great. Only one thing was missing. Eddie. Where was he? He usually greets Buck the minute he opens the door. But tonight, there was nothing. No sign of him.
This began to worry Buck. In response to his worries, he began to search the house. Maybe Eddie was just in the shower or something. So, he went to check. But he wasn't prepared for what he was going to find.
Eddie's bedroom door was open slightly, as if someone had forgotten to close it. Buck knocked first, not wanting to walk in in case Eddie was indecent. No answer.
After a few seconds, Buck sighed and opened the door. Nothing could prepare him for the sight in front of him.
The bedroom was empty, and Eddie was nowhere to be found, not even in the bathroom. Buck's heart raced as he took in the chaotic scene before him. The remnants of what could only be described as some sort of struggle played out in stark contrast to the nice and clean kitchen he had just left. The bed, once neatly made, now laid in disarray, the sheets flung carelessly as if someone had been in a panic.
Eddie wasn't just missing; his room told a different story.
Buck stepped further inside, his instincts screaming at him to assess the situation. He scanned the room for any sign of Eddie's presence; maybe there was something, a clue, that would explain where he had gone and why the room was a trashed as it was. He couldn't help but think back to a few years ago when Chris had called him in a panic, telling him something was wrong with Eddie and that he needed him. And the sight he saw before him now was giving him deja vu back to the moment he had to kick that very door in. But all he found was the overturned dresser, its contents scattered across the floor like evidence from a crime scene.
"Come on, Eddie," Buck murmured, his voice barely above a whisper as he spoke his thoughts out loud. He walked cautiously, mindful of the sharp shards of glass from the broken lamp and picture frame that crunched under his feet.
The stillness in the air felt thick, every instinct telling him that he needed to find Eddie fast.
Feeling a surge of urgency, Buck turned back toward the hallway, ready to pull out his phone and dial Bobby or Athena, but something stopped him. A faint noise, almost like a whimper, drifted from somewhere further down the hall.
His pulse quickened as he followed the sound, retracing his steps, peering into each room with a growing dread.
"Eddie!" he called out, desperation edging his tone.
The whimper came again, louder this time, drawing him toward Chris's room. As he rounded the corner and opened the door, the sight that greeted him made his stomach churn. There, on the floor, sat Eddie, curled up and trembling against Chris's bed.
Relief flooded Buck's veins, quickly overtaken by panic as he rushed to his side.
"Eddie!" Buck knelt beside him, forcing his voice to remain calm despite the whirlwind of pain he was feeling inside. "What happened?"
"I'm sorry!" Eddie looked up, his face pale, eyes puffed with tear tracks staining his face. His voice stammered and trembled. "I...I didn't mean for it to get out of hand... Chris is gone... and I was alone... too many thoughts... I just exploded. I couldn't hold it in anymore..."
"You're safe now. Just breathe, ok? I need you to calm yourself down for me." Buck placed a reassuring hand on Eddie's shoulder, grounding him. There was a long silence and eventually, Eddie broke it.
"I'm a terrible person, Buck." Eddie said, his voice cracking. "I mess everything up and it's understandable that the people I love the most want nothing to do with me."
At those words, Buck stared at Eddie like he had grown three heads.
"Don't ever say that again." Buck replied firmly. "You are loved. Yeah, you've made mistakes. But that's because you're human."
"You don't get it, do you?" Eddie said exasperated, holding back more tears. "Everything inside me is broken and it can never be fixed. I'm a mess. And I've been this way for years. My parents knew it, Shannon knew it.... Hell, even Chris knows it. And he's never coming back."
"Don't say that." Buck said as he watched Eddie slowly stand up. "Chris will come back. He's your son. He can't stay mad at you forever. He's angry and a teenager. He just needs space. He'll come back when he's ready. Eddie, he loves you."
"After what I put him through? With Shannon and three weeks ago with Marisol? No, he doesn't. And he has every right to feel that way. And he's not the only one. No one loves me. Or at least, I've given them valid reasons not to. Even my parents hate me. For years they've tried to take Chris from me. And for years, I wouldn't let it happen. But it never occurred to me that Chrisopher would actually want to be with them. I just always assumed that since I was running, Chris would be running with me." Eddie rambled. "And even Shannon hated me. One of the last things she said to me before she died was that she wanted a divorce. And I don't blame her one bit for it. I wasn't the greatest partner, and she needed someone who wasn't me. The only thing that kept us together was Chris. So no, no one loves me. And it's because I'm unlovable."
There was a long silence, neither one knowing what to do or say. Until eventually, Buck spoke.
"I love you." Buck whispered, breaking the silence as he stood up.
"Don't." tears welled up in Eddie's eyes again and he took a step back. "Don't say that. You're just doing it to make me feel better."
"I love you." Buck continued, taking a step closer with a look of soft determination.
"Stop it. Don't." Eddie gritted out, soft anger rising in his throat. "You're being mean."
"I love you." Buck took one more step forward, finally closing the gap between them. "How many times do I have to say it for you to believe me?"
Eddie shook his head slowly and tried to back away again, but the wall stopped him. Buck tried to grab his hand, but he flinched away as tears began to fall.
"Listen to me." Buck grabbed Eddie's hand again and guided it to his chest. He then took his free hand and caressed Eddie's cheek, wiping the tears with his thumb. "Look at me."
Eddie opened his eyes and stared at him; his eyes glassy from the tears threatening to fall.
"I love you." Buck said again with a resolute tone. "And I'm not going anywhere. In every timeline, and in every universe, I love you. I've loved you since the day we met and all that followed after." He pulled Eddie forwards until their foreheads were touching and he could feel his heart break at the silent son that left Eddie's throat. "And I will continue to love you until the last breath leaves my lips."
Those final words were enough for Eddie to break down again completely, just not destructive. Buck pulled him closer, and they both sank to the floor, Eddie gripping buck's shirt as if it was the only lifeline he had left. And they stayed like that for a while until there were no tears left to cry.
"Why?" Eddie whispered eventually, pulling away with puffy eyes as he slumped his shoulders. "Why would you want to love me?"
Those words hit Buck like a stack of bricks. He could feel his stomach drop as he realized just how much his best friend, the love of his life, hated himself.
"Because you are the most selfless person I know. You never think twice about saving the ones you love and doing what's right. You have been through so much shit and yet you continue to stay resilient. You stay kind, gentle, and loving. It takes a strong person to do that. Trust me, I can tell you firsthand how hard it is, and it isn't easy. So, to see you do it so effortlessly... I love you. And I'm proud of you." Buck sighed. "You've always been there for me when I needed you the most. I wouldn't even be here without you. You are my rock, you are my world, and you are my always and forever. My anchor. I need you. I love you."
Eddie shook his head again as a couple more tears fell.
"It's my job to save people. I get paid to do it. It's nothing special." He let out a choked sigh. "And you have so many more people who anchor you. Bobby, Athena, Maddie, Jee, Hen, Chimney, etc. I'm not special."
Buck looked away for a second before turning back.
"You care a lot for someone who's only 'getting a paycheck'." Buck stared at him. "Was it just for the money when you offered to help the EMT's during the Tsunami? Or got buried alive to help save a kid from drowning in a pipe? Or when you saved a kid from an abusive home, earned a sniper to the shoulder because of it, and the only words out of your mouth were to ask if I was, ok? Or when I got struck by lightning and you climbed the metal ladder, not caring about your own safety, to make sure I was, ok? Or when you memorized how long I had been dead?'
Eddie shook his head, realizing how silly his statement sounded.
"I guess I do help people." He began to calm himself. "But it doesn't mean i don't also break every other person and thing that I touch."
"It's ok to feel conflicted," Buck placed his hand on the side of Eddie's face once again and watched as the other man leaned into his touch. "Helping others doesn't erase the mistakes we make. It just means you're trying, and that counts for something."
"I just wish I could balance it all," Eddie sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I keep messing up, and I'm not sure if the good I do even matter."
"It does matter." Buck reassured him. "Every act of kindness creates a ripple effect."
Eddie looked at Buck. And for a moment, the world around them faded. All that existed was the weight of the moment and their shared history together. The moment stretched on, hanging in the air, and Eddie pondered the unspoken words lingering on the tip of his tongue.
With Buck, he felt vulnerable but safe, and everything felt more profound. There was an undeniable chemistry that had woven itself into the fabric of their friendship, glimmering just beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to shine. And this was it. Buck had already given his confession. It was Eddie's turn to do the same. He just didn't know how to say it. But with a stroke of courage, he leaned forward and brushed his lips against Bucks'
Buck's eyes widened slightly with surprise, but there was no retreat or apprehension in his expression. Instead, his eyes sparked with relief and joy, happy to know his confession was reciprocated. The kiss was deep, passionate, and full of years of unspoken yearning. And by the time they broke apart, both of them were gasping for breath.
"Wow," Buck breathed, his voice barely above a whisper. "That was amazing."
Eddie took a deep breath, the world around them fading back into focus, but they remained anchored to the intimacy of the shared moment.
"I didn't know how to say it," He admitted, his voice trembling slightly. "But I know I feel it. I've always felt it. You mean so much to me."
The words, simple and direct, echoed in the quiet space between them, and a small smile crept onto Buck's lips. It wasn't a shout-out-to-the-word kind of joy, but a quiet blossoming, a sense of peace he hadn't expected.
"Before I confessed, I was so scared to say anything, thinking it would ruin what we have." He confessed, his tone soft. "But seeing you break down... Thinking you had nobody who cares or loves you... It made me want to scream my love for you from the rooftops. Even if you didn't reciprocate, I needed you to know you're not alone."
They sat there as words spilled from feelings long held back, an uncharted territory now opened in front of them. And before Eddie could second-guess himself, he leaned in again, capturing Bucks lips in another kiss, this time softer, more deliberate. It was a promise, a yearning, and a shared agreement to embrace the unknown. The past and future seemed to merge, cementing their bond. And in that moment, Eddie realized that vulnerability was no longer a weakness. And when they finished, their foreheads touched once again as they soaked in the moment.
"Are you still up for that movie?" Eddie asked softly. "I didn't mean to put a halt in our plans."
"Of course, I am." Buck replied. "And you didn't put a halt in anything."
"Are you sure?" Eddie pressed softly. "I'll understand if you want to do it another night."
"I told you; I'm still up for it." Buck reassured. "But I wouldn't mind switching up the film."
"Are you sure?" Eddie questioned, pulling away to look Buck in the eyes. "I know how much you've been wanting to watch it with me."
"Yeah," Buck nodded with a grin. "But Star Wars can wait. I'll indoctrinate you another day."
'You say that" Eddie teased. "But I still say Star Trek is superior."
"How dare you!" Buck placed a hand on his heart in mock hurt. "You wound me!"
Eddie laughed; the first real laugh he's had since Chris left. And couldn't help but stare, the look of love clear within his eyes, before clearing his throat.
"Well then, what do you want to watch?" He questioned.
"You pick." Buck stated. "And make sure it's something you really want to watch. It could be the cheesiest movie in existence. I don't care. All I care about is that you're happy."
"Alright..." Eddie nodded slowly; the weight of possible judgement lifted.
"Let's get you cleaned up first though." Buck tilted his head towards Eddie's arm that they both now noticed was bleeding.
"I must have cut myself during the destruction." Eddie chuckled.
Buck nodded and helped Eddie stand up again. Once they were up, he led Eddie to the bathroom and grabbed the first aid kit from the cupboard. Eddie then took a seat on the counter and held out his arm for Buck to patch him up.
"What would I do without you?" Eddie said, breaking the comfortable silence.
"Crash and burn?" Buck replied with a fond grin as he finished wrapping the bandage.
"You're probably right," Eddie laughed, his voice laced with gratitude. "You always swoop in when I need you the most."
"Well, that's what I'm here for." Buck raised his eyebrow playfully as he put the first aid kit away. "And maybe a little bit of practice with all the times you've managed to get yourself into trouble."
"Right back at you, buddy." Eddie smirked, wincing slightly as he adjusted his arm. "Hey, I think I handle my mishaps quite gracefully. At least... most of the time. This one was just... a bit more chaotic than usual."
"Chaotic is one way to put it." Buck leaned against the bathroom door frame, crossing his arms." But, seriously, Eddie, you really need to be more careful. I can't keep patching you up if you keep turning your living space into a demolition site."
"That was one other time. It's only happened twice now." Eddie shook his head, a chuckle escaping his lips. "But... I promise, next time I'll attempt to be less... Well, destructive. But I do have to admit, it was kind of cathartic."
"Yeah, two times too many." Buck deadpanned before giving an admitting nod. "And I suppose it can be cathartic to want to destroy everything in sight, but that's what a rage room is for. Not your bedroom where you're sacrificing your furniture or your limbs."
"Yeah, yeah, I know." Eddie leaned back. "I could probably take up knitting or maybe crocheting something instead."
"Knitting sounds like a safer hobby," Buck joked, pushing off the doorframe and stepping closer. "But let's be real, I think you'd leave a trail of broken needles if you tried."
"Probably, yeah..." Eddie replied with a laugh before sighing. "I guess breaking stuff is just my way of coping. The fight club, finding out about the members of my old unit, my relationships, Chris leaving, it's a lot. It's either this or unleash my inner Picasso, and I'm not about to start painting abstract masterpieces in the living room."
"If you start painting, I'll lock you in a different room." Buck raised an eyebrow, half-amused, half-exasperated. "The last thing we need is you deciding to get artsy with a brush and canvas."
"I'll have you know my abstract would be a masterpiece." Eddie shot back playfully.
"But let's find a middle ground, ok?" Buck chuckled but is still serious. "I'll help you tape up your furniture if you promise to keep the demolition work to a minimum. Deal?"
"Deal." Eddie smiled softly. "Well, I think I want to change into something more comfortable and then we can get to our movie."
"Alright," Buck nodded. "I'll get it set up."
//////////
Once Eddie is standing and not sitting upon the counter any longer, Buck lets him go back to his room to change. While Eddie is doing that, he heads to the kitchen and gets their snacks set up. He even makes two bowls of ice cream with their respective flavors and brings them over to the coffee table in front of the couch. He then lights a few candles, making it look oddly romantic. And as he finished lighting the last candle, he looked up to see Eddie standing in the doorway, shirtless and wearing a pair of grey sweats that hung low on his hips.
"What's all this?" Eddie smiled softly, gesturing to the candles.
"Oh, I um..." Buck really didn't know what to say as a blush crept up onto his face. "Ice cream date?"
"You want to turn our movie night into a date?" Eddie asked as his eyes lit up with understanding and a playful smirk soon replaced it. "And an ice cream date of all options, huh? Sounds dangerously romantic."
"You know, just me, you, and ice cream... what could be more romantic than that?" Buck chuckled, relieved to see Eddie finding humor in it. After all, they only just confessed their feelings moments prior. He would've understood if things were moving too fast for Eddie. He gestures towards the bowls, trying to sound casual despite the racing pulse in his ears.
"Well, you've definitely got me convinced," Eddie replied, crossing the room and finally settling beside Buck on the couch. He leans over, holds his chin, and gives him a peck on the lips. "I love you. And I love this. Thank you. For everything."
"Anytime." Buck grinned, kissing him back. "What movie did you pick?"
Eddie held out a DVD and handed it to Buck.
"The Notebook?" Buck grinned, before chuckling. "We really are on a date."
As they settled in, Buck grabbed the remote and turned off the lights, the glow of the screen casting a warm ambiance in the dim room while each of them dug into their ice cream. The opening scene of their chosen film began, and they melted into the cushions, their shoulders brushing together. And once they finished their ice cream, it didn't take Eddie long to wiggle his way into Buck's arms, his head resting on the other man's chest. The moment felt suspended in time. Comfortable, intimate, and just right.
"You know," Eddie murmured softly, cuddling more into Buck's arms. "I thought I understood romance before this, but I think you just redefined it for me."
Buck laughed quietly, his heart swelling as he enjoyed this newfound connection. "Oh, really? Just wait until you see how much popcorn I can eat during a movie."
Eddie rolled his eyes playfully, laughter spilling from him. "And here I thought that was just part of your charm."
"I can't believe we almost missed out on this," Buck whispered, his voice breaking slightly with the weight of their connection. "This... us."
Eddie sat up slowly, his gaze softening as he looked at Buck. "Me neither. I'm really glad we didn't."
And with that, they leaned in for another kiss, the world around them fading away, until it was just the two of them, lost in the moment they created together, one movie, and one scoop of ice cream at a time.