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although the gap between them was best described as millimetres, the space was expansive. every word being left unsaid was pressing around michael, manifesting into a force field between him and the man next to him, those mere millimetres away becoming centimetres, feet, miles. he thinks of his early school years, specifically playing with magnets in science class. they were both north poles - or south really, it didn’t matter - and they were repelling. that feeling as you push and push but no matter what, the invisible ball between the magnets stays strong and unwavering. his thoughts were the block between them. he looked over at luke as slyly as he could. he knew he was the only one feeling the force between them. it was his brain, after all, that was building the invisible push. luke was oblivious, phone in hand, idly scrolling or tapping out the odd word here and there. he knew that if luke could read his mind right then, his brow would furrow and his eyes would cloud with confusion, concern. michael knew that to luke, there was no block. there was no invisible ball, no repellent, no push. the millimetres were just that; the space was easily manipulated, eradicated, filled. he could’ve reached over - not needing to reach very far, mind you - and touched michael without a thought in the world. michael wished and wished he would.
they were sat in the front lounge of the bus together, supposedly relaxing on the leather-y padded sofa. luke had his feet up on the little table in front of them, and an arm hovering close to michael along the back of the seat beside him. there was plenty of room, but personal space had never really been their style. his other arm was resting in his lap, thumb swiping up periodically as he went between tiktoks, volume on low. michael was doing the same, silently though, letting luke watch his own phone uninterrupted. a comment passed between them every now and again, a half laugh escaping their lips on occasion. that kind of quiet bonding time that you can only have when you’re as close, as intertwined as they were.
this time though, michael was finding it difficult to settle in. this was what they did best on the road, the kind of spending time together that was a gorgeous mix of comfort and little-to-no energy at all, but he was struggling switching off enough to match luke’s chilled energy. his brain was going at ninety miles an hour and none of his thoughts were good. the frustrating thing for michael was that there wasn’t actually anything concrete he could blame his feelings on, nothing tangible and nothing… well, real. his therapist would’ve chastised him for that, emotions were valid whether they were a direct consequence or not - which he knew - but he did struggle without something to pin them on. so there he was, feeling anxious and stressed the fuck out. he let out a slow and shaky sigh. luke - ever the good and observant friend - looked over a little.
“you alright man?” michael nodded, hoping his wordless answer was enough to keep luke at bay for a second, but not trusting his voice not to betray him. luke hummed as if unsure (rightfully so, to be fair to him) and reduced the space between them by a couple more millimetres. not quite touching, but not quite not touching either. it was like his heart was reaching out, in a way. michael wished it felt like enough.
years ago, he would never have second guessed plonking himself in luke’s lap, reaching for his hand or leaning against him on the sofa in a similar position to the one they were in now. public or private, their affection was so loud back then. michael missed it; he craved the security of platonic intimacy, the gentle pressure of the touch from his best friend. now though, he almost felt like if he reached for luke, his hand would go straight through him like some kind of ghost. luke shifted again, his right leg crossing over his left, inching him a tiny bit closer to michael once again. the gap remained open.
“right,” michael mentally scolded himself. “stop spiralling. please, please stop spiralling now.”
he stole another glance at luke, still engrossed in his phone. tilting his own phone away ever so slightly, he opened his camera roll and scrolled to the top as fast as he could. the hug tackle video, the photos of them as nothing but kids, cosying up backstage without a care in the world. michael loved so freely back then. he did now too of course - they had wives, they had kids. but did he love his friends freely too? he wasn’t even sure if he was allowed to need luke like that anymore. they hugged, of course they did. a pat on the back, a hand on a shoulder, arms around each other on the bows. even hand in hand that one time, when michael forgot to stand on the moving platform at the end of their show and luke helped him down. even so, thirty and twenty nine weren’t exactly normal ages for two grown men to curl up on a sofa together for comfort. swiping away and closing the app, he sighed again. his chest felt like tv static and his head felt the most fuzzy it had in a while. oh to love freely, to be grounded. deeping it, a feeling of mild horror began to rise up michael’s throat. did luke ever even need him the way he needed luke? they lived on top of each other back then, just kids. was it habit, ease? he didn’t know. horror replaced with shame as he realised here he was, twelve or so years later, the older of the two and yearning for touch. yearning, millimetres away from his best friend, but unable to use his big adult words to ask for a damn hug.
out of the corner of his eye, michael realised luke was looking at him again. a slight expectance in his gaze, looking him dead in the eye. asking with no words, until…
“what is it mike? i can’t help if you don’t tell.”
sigh number three. he couldn’t.
“honestly mate, i couldn’t tell you if i wanted to. dunno if its the road just getting to me. just having a bit of a spiral.”
luke’s eyes swam with concern, like michael knew they would. the gaze burned into his skin, concern and love and fucking luke.
“what can i do?”
michael didn’t reply, he couldn’t. biting his lip, he leaned over just a tad. just enough that thigh met thigh. one single percent of relief washed over him. it really wasn’t much, but he took what he could, staring intently down at his knees with hot embarrassment. he was so glad for the lack of mirror, because he knew damn well his cheeks probably matched his stupid hair. as for luke, he knew. he let out the tiniest “oh” as realisation washed over him, and love swelled in his chest. his arm left the back of the sofa slowly, resting across michael’s shoulders instead. he shifted too, into the touch just a little bit more and moved his phone further towards michael in a silent invitation.
they sat for twenty minutes like that, saying nothing, the weight of luke’s strong arm grounding michael back to himself a little. the rumble of the bus travelling along the freeway in the middle of fuck knows where and the low sound of the reels they were flicking through helped a little sure, but the contact with luke was everything. he finally let his head lean and lean until it dropped onto luke’s shoulder and let out the shakiest little exhale.
“i didn’t know if this was still okay. if i was still allowed to need y- i mean, this” michael whispered.
the words felt like a burn to luke, honestly. he kind of understood what michael was getting at, grown ass men snuggling up was a little different to teenage boys going through so much so fast, clinging to each other as their own little pieces of home. not many blokes their ages would be that way inclined. but they weren’t just any old blokes, weren’t just normal mates. he tried not to show the tiny pinprick of hurt, though.
“hey,” he spoke as softly as he could, hoping it was comforting. “this will always be okay.”
when sigh number four came tumbling out of michael’s mouth, they both knew it was relief this time. without any more words, luke put his phone down. michael was confused, but not for long.
strong hands hauled him over until his face found luke’s chest and his arm found luke’s waist. it wasn’t perfect; they were both a little broader than they once were, after all. when they found their fit, michael fully exhaled at last as luke reached inside his mind and twisted the volume control of his thoughts right down. with the ghost of his best friend’s lips somewhere in his hair, he felt the switch up. they were north and south once more.