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The truth had hit everybody at once; Caine was gone.
Everything devolved into chaos within a matter of seconds. Heaving furiously, Jax unleashed a flurry of verbal beatings upon an apologetic Kinger—who fruitlessly tried to explain himself. Ragatha was too despondent to respond as Jax lashed out word after word. She made no beratings or interruptions. Gangle burst out into tears while Zooble attempted to deescalate the situation as best they could.
And Pomni stood there. Her heart dropping.
When everyone noticed the way Jax's arm began to distort—his face starting to glitch and flicker unnatural colours—the telltale signs of abstraction—the mood changed entirely. They were at his side in an instant.
A few loud exclamations, tears, and interruptions later, Jax had stopped abstracting. Everyone sighed in relief. Words were exchanged—ones of repairing the Circus and conjuring under the guidance of Kinger.
But Jax had separated himself from the group at first notice.
“I'm going to talk to him,” Pomni told them. “I need to make sure he's okay.”
Ragatha nodded, her smile creased with worry. Or was it jealousy?
“Be—be careful Pomni.”
Pressing forward with her heart heavy, Pomni lumbered into the grey ruins of the Circus. There was only one thought on her mind.
Find Jax.
Slowly, she rounded the corner. And just like she expected, she saw him. His arms were hugged tightly around his knees with his back pressed limply against the wall. He was unusually quiet; his poker face shattered and bare. He didn't react to her presence. Instead, he only seemed to cave in further.
This was the most vulnerable Pomni had ever seen Jax.
A nagging part of her whispered relentlessly—it's your fault. If you hadn't provoked Caine, everything would be better. Everyone would still be okay. She tried to reason with herself. You just wanted to help. Everyone reassured her that it wasn't her fault but—
No, she had to focus. Jax needed her.
Quietly, Pomni shuffled towards him. Moving across the checkered floors of the Circus, and stepping around the occasional gap of empty white void to reach her destination. She cautiously lowered herself to the ground right beside him.
Neither of them said a thing.
Pomni took a moment to let her gaze wander across the dull and grey Circus. It had certainly seen better days—such a different place from the bright and overwhelming spectacle she had initially been thrust into.
Pressed against the wall, her eyes flickered from the once colourful walls to the scattered shapes in various sizes. Spanning across the entire tent stood faded monochrome cubes and cylinders. It was overwhelming in an entirely different way now. Empty and broken.
Absent of life.
Pomni breathed out a guilty sigh.
Then, the voice from beside her finally spoke up.
“...Why are you here?”
Jax was staring at her now, a glare in his eyes. However, his glare didn't have the fight she'd come to expect from him. Any attempt at malice came across almost half-heartedly. When Pomni stared back, Jax wordlessly covered his face with his arms again and huffed.
“I wanted to see how you’re holding up,” began Pomni.
“What do you think?” Jax snapped. He inhaled wearily before lowering his voice. “It doesn't matter. You should just leave.”
Pomni’s eyes flickered around his face, taking him in. “I'm not leaving.”
Jax didn't say anything. Although he flinched slightly at the intensity of her gaze.
A few moments of silence passed that stretched like an eternity.
Pomni didn't need to see Jax's face to know he was quietly seething. The discomfort at her side was palpable. His gaze flickered between on and off like he hoped she'd disappear if he blinked.
After a couple more seconds, Jax steeled up. “Okay, are we really doing this again?”
His expression hardened and twisted into something much more familiar. His words were sharpened with harmful intent, an instinctual venom. A mechanism of defense.
“I thought I told you to leave. How many times do I have to tell you? I know your cute little avatar doesn’t have ears but I didn't think you were actually deaf.”
“Jax, you almost abstracted.” Pomni said too loudly, voice full of conviction. Her tone was pleading. “Stop doing this.”
Once again, Jax said nothing. Scoffing, he turned away from her completely and cradled himself tighter. The fire seemed to die out immediately.
“Just… go away.” He whimpered.
Pomni tried to search for words to say. The right ones. A few choice words came to mind, but they’d betray the bubbling frustration she was trying to keep at bay. Was she frustrated at Jax or herself? She couldn't tell anymore. Anger wasn’t what they needed right now. She felt too tired to be angry. But, uselessly, her mind led her to a dead-end; a cut string. In the chase, one thought flickered across her mind, briefly but profoundly.
It called to her.
She decided to listen to it, too tired to resist. Full of exhaustion, Pomni shuffled closer to Jax and awkwardly rested her head against his side.
His shoulders went rigid.
Jax didn't immediately shake her off like she anticipated. Surprisingly, he remained still and allowed it to happen. Pomni tried and failed to relax. Showing affection to Jax—it was like hovering a hand inside the open maw of a venus flytrap. Ready to strike at any moment.
“...What are you doing?” He finally whispered.
“Sitting. You got a problem with that?” Pomni huffed.
For some reason, Jax sent a confused glance in her direction. His brow furrowed before turning away.
Pomni's shoulder pushed against his. She continued to speak. “So, you're really just not going to say anything at all?”
He grumbled and crossed his arms. “There's nothing that needs to be said.”
“Jax, you know you can't pretend anymore. You're not fooling anybody. And you know there's nothing to distract from what's happening anymore. The Circus is…”
“Yeah, tell me about it. God do I know…” hissed Jax.
“You're deflecting. Stop it.”
“What's the point?”
“Jax,” Pomni pleaded. “Look at me.”
Jax didn't respond, but his ear twitched at the sound of her voice.
“I'm glad you didn't abstract earlier. If you abstracted, I—I don't think I'd forgive myself. I don't care what you say. I don't care if you think it's dumb. I care, Jax. I'm not going to let you be alone. Especially right now.”
She heard him take in a shaky breath.
“So don't be a stranger, please.” Pomni finished.
Jax muttered something unintelligible. When he opened his mouth to say something more, he hesitated and closed it again. “Why do you even care so much?”
Pomni replied easily like she'd been expecting the question. “I care because I think you're cool. And—and we need each other right now more than ever.”
His eyes looked through her, searching for something she couldn't place. Her chest throbbed.
“You don't make sense.”
“When has anything in the Circus ever made sense?”
“Wow, you really want me to spill my guts out to you that badly, huh? What are you, my therapist?”
“No,” Pomni said after a pause. “I’m your friend.”
She felt Jax's body stiffen underneath her body. Still, he didn't move her away.
“You're so dumb.” said Jax, absent of any drive in his voice.
His words had a hint of acceptance. An exhausted type of surrender. The venom had slipped from his grasp, and he couldn't bring himself to pick it back up again.
Pomni smiled sadly, then frowned. She had almost forgotten she was leaning against Jax. At some point, It had started to feel so natural, until—out of the blue—she felt him gently press back. He wasn't shielding himself anymore. Instead, they were sitting shoulder to shoulder. The fight had evaporated from his body. She closed her eyes and relaxed into it.
Jax exhaled next to her, the tension faded. It felt strange, sitting so close to Jax out of all people. Or anyone at all, for that matter. But for one reason or another, she didn't mind all that much.
It eased the guilt.
Maybe we both need this…
Her mind lingered—torn between thoughts of Jax, memories of Caine, and the pit in her stomach of which she wasn't sure she still had. Pomni let herself breathe in the respite and focused on the comforting weight at her side. However, the illusion was bound to come to an end.
“Look, Jax? Do you want to come and help rebuild the Circus? We could really use your help.” She stuttered.
“Pass.”
Pomni held her tongue. “Alright, then. What do you want?”
“What I want has never mattered,” Jax mumbled absent-mindedly.
Pomni regarded him for a few moments, her eyes concerned and compassionate. “What…do you mean?”
Suddenly, Jax froze. Realisation struck him like a hammer striking metal. Pomni watched the transformation happen in real-time. One moment, he was relaxed—and the next his shoulders were pulled tight and his face filled with terror.
“Jax?” Pomni frowned. “It's okay. What—what do you want?”
When Jax didn't immediately react, Pomni tilted her head to glimpse at his face. He was completely disassociated. Pupils wide, face carefully blank. Petrified.
“I don't want anything. At least, nothing that's important.”
“If it matters to you, then I'd say it's important.”
“It's dumb.”
“You don't get to decide if it's dumb or not.”
He was silent again for a few moments—save except for his loud, frantic intakes of air. His pupils darted from left to right. From the void—to Pomni—to his hands on his knees. There was nobody else except for himself, Pomni and the lonely remnants of the Circus.
“Jax?” Pomni reached out her hand.
It wasn't long before his gasps intensified.
He didn't appear to notice how panicked he was until Pomni gently took his side. She guided him through it, with soft murmurs of breathe and it's okay. Jax barely seemed to register anything as he inhaled with mad desperation. Pupils small. Breathing shallow. The moment passed in the blink of an eye, but also stretched on for an eternity. Eventually, he caught his breath and stared into space.
Pomni didn't press, didn't push. He seemed grateful.
Then, he hesitantly spoke up in the most unguarded, sensitive voice she’d ever heard from him.
“Have you ever felt… unhappy? In your body?”
Pomni's attention was on him instantly. “In what way?”
“Like… like it doesn't feel… right.”
He paused.
“Like it never… has felt right… and no one will ever see you the right way. And you…”
He cut himself off and inhaled through his teeth. He gestured with his hands in tired frustration.
“...knew you never would be…”
Pomni waited silently for him to continue, patient and steady. When he didn't pipe back up, she gently raised her voice.
“How so?” she asked.
Jax’s entire face cringed like he was about to throw up. He quickly looked away and frowned, clenching his fists.
“It's stupid. I don't even know why I'm telling you anything.”
“Come on, Jax…” whispered Pomni, she lightly bumped her shoulder with his. “I won't judge you. You're still the same to me.”
“That's the problem, I don't think I want to be the same, I feel…”
Jax cut himself off again, reluctant to continue. His frown was ever-present on his face, profound and creased into the etches of his being. His foot tapped relentlessly into the ground. Tap, tap, tap.
Suddenly, he jerked away from Pomni. She flinched in response, watching attentively as Jax straightened himself and slid down the wall onto the floor until he was lying on his back. Face-up towards the faded expanse of the ceiling.
His pupils were small and terrified, his mouth pulled into a grimace. He didn't look at her. Then, as silent as could be, he gasped out through his teeth. Distant mutterings to himself.
“No, no I don't…”
He swallowed a lump in his throat. Then groaned and clenched his eyes shut.
“Being a guy sucks,” he spat out loudly. “That's all.”
The false confident words stumbled out into the world with barely-masked pain. It lingered in the air, trembling and fragile and incredibly specific.
What was he trying to tell her?
A beat passed. Pomni followed his lead, sinking to the floor and lying on her back next to Jax. She rested her hands limply over her stomach.
“So what do you want to be?”
Jax glared at her, like she'd personally offended him. He let out a bitter laugh.
“Figure it out yourself. Subtext. God, do I really need to tell you?”
“I don't want to assume anything. I want to hear it from you,” Pomni said carefully, then shrugged. “And for all I know, I could be completely wrong.”
Jax huffed, mumbling something under his breath. He uncovered his face and hesitantly met her gaze. For a moment, his eyes seemed softer. Although, it quickly flickered away under the intensity.
It took several minutes of nothing but Jax's fidgeting and incoherent mumbles before he raised his voice and shattered the quiet.
“Sometimes I wish I were a girl,” admitted Jax.
Pomni stared at Jax in silent surprise.
“There, y-you happy now? You get what you wanted? I told you it was dumb.”
Jax—her hands were trembling. She was breathing unevenly, terrified at what she had voiced out into the universe. A truth that couldn't be taken back.
Something clicked in Pomni's head at that very moment. The puzzle pieces were already there, but they had now been connected into a grand, completed picture.
“Hey, no—no, that's not dumb at all,” soothed Pomni, gently flipping onto her side and facing Jax. “Have you always wanted that?”
Jax paused. Briefly, Pomni expected her to deflect with sarcasm, with the mask that had been built up throughout years of anguish—but Jax had exhausted all of her energy. She nodded her head hesitantly after a moment, the movement stilted and weak.
“Thanks for telling me.”
Jax inched slightly further away. As soon as she had arrived, he had returned. “Don't make it a big deal. You sound like Ragatha. Not like it'll change anything. Before the Circus it was pointless anyway and here I'm a cartoon rabbit.”
“Is… that really what you think?”
“It won't amount to anything. So what's the point? You actually think everybody else will just accept that? Tch, what a funny joke. Look! Jax has actually been a freak this whooole time, let's all let bygones be bygones!”
The words crashed down louder than intended, landing somewhere sore and exposed. Jax became animated as he let them out.
Pomni's face furrowed in determination. One way or another, she was going to make him understand.
“Listen, you're not the funny one. Or a freak. You're… you're my friend and even though this place sucks. There's no one here anymore controlling what we want to be. If you want to be a girl. You… you can.”
“What, with the power of friendship?”
“Ha, very funny," Pomni deadpanned, then shook her head. “But kind of, yeah. You know none of the others are going to judge you, right? Zooble understands this stuff more than I do.”
Jax rolled his eyes. “Who cares. None of this is even real.”
“Says who?” Said Pomni sternly. “You're only making this harder for yourself. Think for a moment. What even is ‘real’ anymore?”
“Ugh, I dunno…”
“That's not an answer.”
”What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to just… think. You've seen how we can conjure things. Those things are just as real to us as anything else. You can literally do whatever you want here.”
“Huh.” Jax mumbled, stopping to think. His hand clenched at his side.
“You've never had any issue doing whatever you wanted before,” Pomni remarked.
Somehow, that earned a genuine, although tattered smile from Jax. “You know that's different.”
The purple rabbit paused again, deeply considering something. It was strange to truly see him contemplate something so seriously.
“Look, I just…” sighed Jax. “Don't tell anybody but I'm really just a coward, okay? I didn't think it was worth all the effort. I didn't want to think about it—because I didn't want to be—I don't know.”
I can tell. Pomni wanted to say. You were scared.
“You can be more than that, Jax,” Pomni said sincerely.
Her big, round pinwheel eyes looked up at him. For once—he stared back. His face was wrinkled. He looked like he wanted to believe her, but was physically incapable of even stomaching the thought. “You really think so, huh?”
“I know so.”
Jax looked to the side, blushing in embarrassment. “Then, can I just… ask something stupid? It's dumb.”
“Shoot.”
“Could you just call me a girl? O-or something. Just once. I just want to feel—ugh… I don't know, it's stupid.”
Pomni smiled nervously. “It's alright. I can try.”
She looked Jax dead in the eye. He fidgeted under her stare.
“Jax, you’re a girl, and I accept you,” Pomni affirmed, pointing at Jax. “This lovely lady right here? She's a girl. And although she may be—”
Jax didn't let Pomni get another word in before his face reddened and his hands flailed in protest. “No, no! Forget it. This is stupid. This is stupid. Just forget any of this happened!”
In his panic he'd jolted forward and was no longer lying on his back. Now—he was on his knees, gripping the floor with his fingers. Pomni matched Jax's new position, kneeling down and suppressing the fleeting feeling inside of her.
Pomni tried not to smile too hard at the cost of Jax's dignity. But she couldn't help but find his shyness grounding. To see such vulnerability from Jax felt like uncovering a long-lost sunken treasure—hidden at the bottom of water so profound, it hadn't been seen in millennia. She felt special to have found it. Important, even.
“Hey, you do want this though, right?” Pomni shuffled her feet, facing towards him.
“No,” he said immediately. Then, she timidly corrected herself. “...y-yeah.”
“Tell it to me then. Go on.”
“Don't make me do this…”
“Jax.”
“I…”
Jax swallowed.
She closed her eyes.
And opened her mouth.
“I'm a girl,” she finally spoke. “I want to be happy. I want to look cute, and be looked at normally. A-And have a different voice. And y'know…”
“You want to do girl things?” Pomni offered.
“Yeah… I really do,” she responded in a daze. “I—I mean, maybe.”
“Then call me up anytime. I'd love to do girl stuff with you,” Pomni grinned.
Jax's cheeks burned brighter. She covered her face in her hands and made a muffled groan. Through the gaps between her fingers, she timidly stared at Pomni.
“Hey, Pom-Pom? Thanks for not laughing, or whatever,” forced out Jax. Her cheeks turned slightly redder. “And, uh, sorry, for, y'know…”
A warmth spread throughout Pomni's chest. So powerful and good. It filled the hole in her heart that had only been growing bigger the more time she spent in silence around Ragatha's quiet sobs and the mournful look on Kinger's face.
It reminded her why she was so drawn to Jax in the first place—despite all the frustration she put her through. Ironically, Jax felt the most real to her out of anyone in the Circus. Her mask indirectly revealed all the weaknesses she tried to hide. And for some reason, around Jax, Pomni felt like she could be herself. Even though she buried her humanity under thick layers of a ridiculous persona and terrorised everything that moved, there was an indescribable pull. Akin to a lock and key. Jax didn't sugarcoat things. She made Pomni laugh. And laughter reminded Pomni she was still human.
The heart-melting look Pomni gave Jax in return was sickeningly sweet. “Of course.”
Their gazes didn't meet for long before Jax flushed and tore her eyes away, muttering a quiet whatever. But when their sights crossed, Jax had frozen like a statue, as if Pomni's stare was that of Medusa's. Pomni found herself amused by the idea.
A loud cough cut through the silence. Jax had cleared her throat. “Sooo… Pomni.”
There was a smile on Jax's face now. It was exaggerated, practiced, but not fake. A part of it was even a little bashful. “What was that thing you said earlier? The one about me being cool?”
“Oh my god. What is wrong with you?” Pomni sighed. “Yeah, I do think you're cool. You're an asshole, but you're not that bad. What are you going to do about it, hmm?”
“You have a horrible taste in women, Pom-Pom,” Jax said slowly, testing the words on her tongue.
“Oh? It's not my fault you're the pinnacle of femininity.”
Jax barked out a genuine laugh. Then, her face fell extremely crestfallen. She took Pomni in for a second, really took her in. Her sad eyes flickered to Pomni's face.
“What'd I ever do to deserve a friend like you?”
Hearing the word friend caused Pomni's heart to swell. Friend. It really was such a simple word, but it was one she'd been aching to hear since the gun adventure.
“Well, I'm not quite sure myself. But it definitely wasn't the time you threw me out of a moving truck.”
“Never gonna let that go, huh?”
“Nope.”
The amused sounds of Jax's giggles filled the air once again.
“It's weird, like…” Jax huffed. “You’re really easy to be around. You know that?”
“Yeah?”
Jax nodded fervently. “Are you reeaallly sure you want to stick around with all…” she gestured to herself, “this?”
“Unfortunately, I am,” Pomni smiled.
“This sucks. I'm going to become unhealthily attached. Gross. What have you done?” Jax groaned half-heartedly. “Too late, you're stuck with me.” Almost nervously, she quickly added. “If that's cool…”
“That's cool with me.”
“Cool.”
“Friends?” Pomni extended her hand.
For a moment, Jax's chest only heaved, taking in deep intakes of air. In and out. There was a flicker of hesitation, a memory of something long gone. She looked at Pomni with the remains of her armour crumbling away and failed to fight the emotion showing on her face.
Then, without warning. Jax pulled Pomni into a gentle one-armed hug. It was loose, stiff, and more than a little awkward, but it was everything and more. She gave a few pats on the back. “Yeah, friends. But only because you're so desperate.”
“Right. I'm the desperate one.”
“Shut up.”
The two of them laughed into the emptiness and filled it with something beautiful and real.
When their laughter simmered down, and they separated from each other—Jax's unexpected whisper of “Damn, I wish I had boobs” provoked Pomni to giggle so lightly it floated above everything else.
Soon after, Jax led her towards the bedrooms. She very intentionally avoided the others, taking a route that circled the rest of the Circus members. When they arrived, they were surprised to find Pomni's room largely untouched by the effects of Caine’s deletion. It was duller than before, grey, but free of any distortions. Jax strolled in like she owned the place with an obnoxious grin and collapsed onto Pomni's sofa chair.
“What are you looking at?” Jax cackled, crossing a leg over the other.
Side-by-side, they sat with each other on the carpet, leaning against the frame of Pomni's bed and occasionally bantering in the relaxation of each other's company. It felt nice to pretend everything was normal. At least for the moment. They would savour it.
“Are you going to change your name?” Pomni asked curiously.
Jax's smile faltered momentarily. “Eeehh, I'm not really sure yet. I kinda avoid thinking about that. What if it doesn't feel right? You know?”
“You don't have to change it.”
“...No, I'd like to. It just feels…” she made a grabbing gesture with her hands.
“A lot?”
“Yeah, that.”
“Doesn't have to be too different. What about a name like uhhh… Jacqueline or something?”
Jax snorted despite herself. “Pfft—what? What kind of a name is that? God that sounds so old! You had to have made that up! Do I really look like a Jacqueline? Pomni, I'm offended!”
A small laugh escaped Pomni's mouth and Jax's grin widened in pride.
“I'll figure it out. I guess,” shrugged Jax.
“Together?”
Jax smiled distractedly. “Y-Yeah.”
A comfortableness set in. Pomni watched the girl next to her. Jax looked free, her eyes crinkled with mirth. Pomni wished she could capture that look in a bottle, and cherish it forever. It felt too temporary. She realised right then that she had never seen Jax so happy before. She was worn at the edges, yes. But he had never made that face.
Quietly, Jax's voice returned.
“By the way, Pom-Pom?”
“Mm?”
“Please don't tell all this to anyone else, okay? I'll kill you if you do.”
Pomni ignored the empty threat and nodded confidently. “Of course. You are going to tell them eventually though, right?”
“Eugh, that'd be way too weird. I'm just going to let them figure it out on their own. Y'know, less hiding and all that junk. I bet Zooble already figured it out. You’re… you’re the first person I’ve told.”
“Hey,” Pomni said sweetly, placing her hand on Jax's knee. “Good on you.”
When her hand made contact, Jax immediately blushed furiously and crossed her arms.
“Eugghh, stop talking,” she said sheepishly, sinking against the bed.
“If you need any help, come to me. I'll let them know you're actually a total diva, okay?”
Jax covered her eyes and giggled in disbelief. The sound was youthful and giddy. “Okay, fine. Whatever you say.”
“Can you promise me something?” Pomni asked. Her voice must have been unusually serious—because Jax immediately straightened.
“...What is it?” She replied warily.
“Promise me you'll stop trying to run away. And I don't just mean from me, I'm also talking about yourself.”
Jax frowned. Her gaze turned down. “You don't start small, huh? Next you'll be asking to have my kidneys.”
Something in Pomni's face dropped. Jax was quick to notice, and her expression briefly fell in shame. “Really, Jax?”
“Sorry, sorry. I know. Look, I'll… I'll try, happy? You're…” Jax stuttered out. “You're too cool not to try for, anyway. Guess I lucked out. Don't let it get to your head.”
Jax's hand clenched at her side. She squeezed her fist a couple of times before hesitantly daring to drift an open palm towards Pomni's. It moved slowly and unsurely, until it was hovering right above Pomni's hand.
Without saying anything else, Jax reached over and took it in hers.
“This so cringe,” she said tightly.
Pomni squeezed her hand.
“You, uh, okay?” forced out Jax. “After everything and all that.”
“O-Oh,” Pomni said. “I guess. Better than before.”
She'd gotten so swept up with Jax that she almost forgot how she felt. The guilt that climbed up her spine. It had been waiting, as all of a sudden—the wriggling sensation in her gut returned. Letting itself in without permission.
“You suck at lying,” scoffed Jax, trying to mask her concern. “There's no point in feeling sorry for yourself. You know where that takes you, and it ain't anywhere good. Just, stop worrying about everything, okay? It's not your problem. Relax.”
The words hit Pomni deeper than she expected. At first, she felt the need to stay calm—to keep being strong. To prove something she needed to make up for. To distract from their new reality. But suddenly, her eyes felt glassy and Jax's arm was around her shoulder.
“Thanks,” sniffed Pomni.
They stayed like that for a long time.
For that moment, nothing else mattered.
The end of the battle was yet to come—the strife wasn't over. The Circus was in need of many repairs, and so were everybody's mental states.
No matter what she said, Jax would eventually need to breach the subject of her gender to the others. Especially if she experimented more with conjuring. And not just that. There were many other things that had gone long unsaid and even more things that needed to change.
If they even would change.
But oddly enough, Pomni dared to hope. Something felt different.
Pomni tilted her head towards Jax sitting next to her. Laying against her bed with their hands intertwined. Jax's smile was small and relieved, and her eyes were shut in contentment.
If only. If only Jax were this peaceful in the company of everyone else so they'd see how pleasant Jax truly was when she wanted to be. Honestly was a shockingly good look on her.
But for now, Pomni would just appreciate the comfort of the hand holding hers.
And the carefree laughter of the girl by her side.