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Fenris had noticed that Anders had been having a bad couple of days.
Over the months that they had been roommates, Fenris had learned that while Anders was typically an easygoing person, he had moments where he would retreat into a shell. They didn't talk much about this. Fenris was aware of the fact that Anders was on some sort of psychiatric medication (which Anders usually made light of, like so many things), but it wasn't something they really talked much about. They weren't that close.
But now it was day three and Anders had hardly emerged from his room except occasionally to poke at food or use the bathroom before disappearing again. He hadn't showered and he'd called in from work twice already. At one point Fenris asked him if he was sick, and he mumbled "yes" in response before shutting himself in his room.
So Fenris gave him his space, until one day he noticed that Ser Pounce-a-Lot was pawing at Anders' door and meowing. Fenris found it particularly odd that Anders would ignore his cat-- odd enough that he actually got concerned about it and knocked on the door. "Anders?"
No reply.
"Anders," he said again, "Your cat wants in."
As he expected, that got a response. The response was a mumbled "okay" that he could hardly make out, but it was a response nonetheless, which was an encouraging sign.
Fenris opened the door a bit. Pounce headed in, but instead of closing the door and leaving it at that, Fenris peered in to see Anders lying listlessly in bed with his back to the door. His phone was next to him, but he wasn't currently using it. For a moment, Fenris contemplated closing the door and leaving Anders alone as that seemed to be what he wanted. But as much as he hated to admit it, he was concerned, and (even worse) he found that he missed the guy. He missed his dumb comments and he missed his dumb smile. "Can I come in?" he asked.
"You don't really want to," said Anders into his pillow.
"Maybe not, but I'm here anyway," said Fenris. He pushed open the door fully and then sat on the bed. Anders didn't move or look at him. They were both quiet, and the moment was awkward. Finally, Fenris cleared his throat. "I... don't know if this is what you want to hear, exactly, but I'm here if you need a punching bag."
He looked down at Anders. And Anders cracked a tiny smile. "I might," he said wryly.
A-ha. There was that smile. There was the Anders he knew. "Well, now that we've got that sorted," said Fenris, "Did you need anything? Or do you prefer to be left alone?"
Anders was quiet for a bit as he continued to stare at a blank spot on the wall. Then he said, "You... know I had a... a boyfriend, right? A few years back."
Fenris had gathered that, although Anders had never really talked about it much and Fenris had never pressed. "You may have mentioned it once or twice," he said.
"His name was Karl," said Anders. He was still staring at the wall. "And he liked me. Really, genuinely liked me. He put up with all my bullshit. In fact... I think he actively enjoyed my bullshit." He paused for a moment. "I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals and therapy rooms and shit a lot, when I was younger. Hated it mostly. But with Karl I actually wanted to improve myself. For him. For us."
Fenris had a bad feeling about where this was going. He said nothing, instead waiting for Anders to finish on his own time.
And Anders struggled for a bit to tell the next bit of his story before finally spitting it out. "Car crash," he said. "Drunk driver. Their fault. But I was driving and... I survived, and Karl didn't." Anders shut his eyes. "He was... in bad shape, afterwards, but he was lucid for a few minutes before he passed. At least I got to say goodbye." He sighed. "Aaaand that's the story about why I'm fucked up. Well. One of the many reasons, I guess."
"I'm sorry," said Fenris. He didn't say anything else because he didn't know what else to say.
Anders shrugged, or at least he did his best to while he was lying on his side. "Life goes on, you know? Andraste's fucking ass, I hated that bastard though. The drunk driver. At least he died too. Justice, I guess." He shut his eyes again.
"I... can't imagine having to go through something like that," said Fenris.
Anders was talking again, although it seemed he was mostly talking to himself. "I forced myself to move on. Karl would've wanted myself to. But I'm going to think about that sometimes. For the rest of my life, you know. I'm going to think about how he's gone and I'm not."
"Do you blame yourself?" Fenris asked. It was a genuine question, not an accusation.
Anders thought for a moment. "No. Not really. I blame the fucker who did it." Rage lit his eyes briefly before fading away. "I don't know why the universe or the Maker or whatever chose me, though. Karl was... he was a genuinely good human being. With a bright future. I'm just some asshole." He rolled around and looked up at Fenris for the first time. "How do you do it? How do you take a situation like that and live with it? How do you live with yourself?"
"Wiser men than I have pondered that question," said Fenris. He looked down in thought. "Maybe someone needed you," he said at last. "Maybe that's why the universe chose you."
"Well. I hope I'm worth it to whoever that person is," said Anders. He rolled back over to his side.
A response to that was on the tip of Fenris' tongue before he swallowed it back down. Instead, he said, "If you've survived this long, then you aren't just 'some asshole'. You've pushed on when all you can see is darkness. You've come out alright despite it all. You like helping people. You want to change things. I think you're stronger than you think you are. And I respect that." He stood up. "And I'm going to leave you to yourself before I regret having admitted all of that."
Fenris was halfway to the door when Anders stopped him. "Hey," he said, turning around in bed so he could face his roommate. "Do you mean all of that?"
"Yes. And that's the only time you'll get me to say that. So cherish the moment."
"Awww," said Anders. "Fenris has a heart after all. That's so precious!"
"Didn't I just say you aren't 'some asshole'? I take that back."