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“Master, am I wrong for this?”
“For what, Sun Fei?”
“For feeling like a boy.”
The older woman stilled, posture tense and shoulders square. Her gaze, however, wasn’t judgemental in the slightest. A child’s small frame hunched forward in her direction as if an enormous weight began to push down, rumbling and weak.
Silence stretched, and Sun Fei became visibly more distressed by the lack of reaction from his master. “I’m sorry, Master. I’m so sorry–”
Sun Fei is cut off by a warm, accepting hug. His master’s wavy hair falls down her shoulders and on top of his head. The familiar, motherly smell is enough to bring him to tears– because his own mother would never do something like this.
“I’m so proud of you,” his master whispered. Her voice was nothing but full of love. “If that is how you feel, I couldn’t feel more proud. Finding your true self is a great step into maturity and discipline. Knowing who you are and what you stand for is all that is necessary.”
“But… I’m a girl. I was born like that.” Sun Fei lamented between hiccups, stroking his master’s long hair to soothe himself. “You can’t just become a boy.”
“Who put that idea in your head, you silly goose?” His master let go of the small boy.
Sun Fei scrunched his nose. He didn’t have to communicate who it was. They both knew very well who. “But… I can, then?”
“It’s not that you ‘become’ a boy, Sun Fei. If you feel that way, you’ve always been a boy.” A slender finger pointed to Sun Fei’s heart, “... right here.”
He wasn’t sure of what his master meant, but he still nodded. That felt… just right. “Yeah.”
“However, I need to know how you know this. Did something happen? When did you notice it? How are you sure?” His master felt more than willing to accept and support Sun Fei as much as she could. But being sure of where he was coming from was just as important. But even if Sun Fei ends up unsure or changes his mind… she was going to be there for him. Through thick and thin, no matter what.
“I, um…” Sun Fei recollected his thoughts. “It has always been that way. I think it was because of my hair, but…” he began to touch his dark-red short hair. “The nice lady from the tea shop told me that I was a very strong boy and it made me happy. And being called that… felt nice.. It makes my stomach feel sick when somebody calls me a girl.”
Sun Fei’s master raised her eyebrows in surprise and nodded. “I see. So…” she shifted, leaning down to look Sun Fei in the eyes properly. He tensed up, and she offered a soothing smile. “Sun Fei is my wonderful disciple. A hardworking boy who loves animals and to learn new things. He’s my most admirable student and I care a lot for him.”
That’s it.
That’s exactly it.
Warmth spread from Sun Fei’s chest to everywhere else– it felt true, so true. It made him so happy. He couldn’t understand why, but it felt like this is who he was. Who he’s always been.
“How does that feel, Sun Fei?” His master nudged him.
“Just right.” Sun Fei laughed, wiping away the tears falling down.
“That’s my boy!”
—
One of the many joys of Sun Fei’s discovery came the day before his first day of middle school.
He adjusted his changshan as neatly as he could, smoothing out any wrinkles he found along the way. The mirror behind him demanded for him to turn around– yet, he felt admittedly scared. What if it didn’t help at all? What if it looked wrong or obvious?
With a shaky breath, he turned around.
Sun Fei stared at his reflection and it stared right back at him. Hesitating, he lifted his hands up to his chest and felt around the area. He couldn’t believe it. Sun Fei nearly tripped as he turned to the side to see how it looked.
Wow.
He smiled softly. It’s flat. It’s perfectly flat. No bumps or unwanted curves… just flat. And it looked… just right.
Sun Fei felt thankful that he had begun to wear outfits that covered his neck, forearms, and overall chest area. That way, the chance of somebody taking a peek and spotting his binder were an absolute zero. He only had to be careful during fights. Fortunately, his fighting style wasn’t too physically demanding, so the chances of him suffocating or breaking a rib were also near zero. Sun Fei also kept note of the limit his master instructed– no more than eight hours per day and frequent breaks.
—
Nirei and Sakura were the first ones to know.
Admittedly, Suo didn’t mean to let that cheap street punk hit him. But it still happened. Right when his chest tightened and he missed a breath, a wooden board struck his side. He heard Nirei’s panicked screams call out to him and Sakura’s punches growing heavier, but it all faded out of view once his body hit the ground.
Next thing he knew, he was laying down on a futon that most definitely wasn’t his. It smelt like cedarwood and musk. ‘It must be Sakura-kun’s home,’ he thinks. Suo cracked his eyes open and he sat up–
No.
There’s a strange lightness in his body. He could for sure feel his binder squeezing his upper torso, but his entire changshan was just missing. And as if that wasn’t enough… there Nirei and Sakura were, staring at him with guilt riddling their features.
Suo was mortified.
He looked down and his body was the same as always, except for the numerous bandages on his side and many bloody napkins by him.
He wouldn’t dare to look up.
Sakura was the first to break Suo’s silent panic.“We’re sorry,” is all he grunted out, unable to look at Suo directly. “We…”
Nirei cut Sakura off, eyebrows knitted and eyes watering. “S-Suo-san! Please don’t get it wrong! You were… um… bleeding real bad. Sakura-san and I had to take your shirt off to be able to bandage your injury up and… we ended up… seeing… your…” Nirei tried not to stare, but he was.
“Binder,” Suo completed. “How careless of me! Sakura-kun and Nire-kun had to take care of me~!”
They both stared at Suo with regretful eyes. The fear and uncertainty in his voice was obvious and he knew it. Jokes weren’t going to cut it.
This was it. They were going to hate him forever.
Suo shut his eyes tight– wishing the floor would swallow him whole.
But instead, warmth came. The scent of cedarwood became stronger, accompanied by soft citrus. Their embrace was as warm as his master’s.
“Stop makin’ that face, you one-eyed bastard,” Sakura started. “I… don’t really care.” Suo could only laugh dryly at Sakura’s bluntness and lack of better words. But he knew he meant well.
“You’re still a member of Bofurin and our friend! I-I… don’t blame you for not telling us earlier! It’s a very private thing. But, I… support you fully, Suo-san! We won’t treat you any different. We love you!” Suo could quite literally hear the tears and snot leaving Nirei as he spoke. So empathetic and sentimental… Suo found it endearing.
Who was he kidding? He wasn’t back with his parents or with people who wanted him hurt.
He was with the people who loved him the most.
And it felt just right.