Chapter Text
After yet another victory of Monkey D. Luffy and the Straw Hat Pirates, it was decided that there would be a banquet that night. And it was right in the middle of the preparations for the party that Usopp found himself.
"I'm just saying that if you two go alone, I'm not sure both of you are coming back alive."
As soon as he finished the sentence, Usopp was almost certain he felt a small wave of disgust radiating from Vinsmoke Sanji and Roronoa Zoro. But honestly, what else could he do?
Those two hadn't gotten along since the moment they met. That certainly wasn't about to change now.
"And besides..." he continued, scratching the back of his neck, "I heard they sell a different type of thread on this island. So I thought I'd go with you guys."
The silence that followed was short, but uncomfortable enough for Usopp to start regretting his own existence.
Sanji slowly released the cigarette smoke before speaking.
"Alright. Me, the idiot, and Usopp are going to the island to buy supplies. You guys can start fixing up the deck, but we'll probably take a while. I left some dishes half-prepared with the rest of the provisions."
It was Sanji who answered, but during the entire conversation he didn't even glance at Usopp once. His eyes stayed fixed on Zoro.
Strange. Really damn strange.
Was that seriously the same man who usually went insane in the kitchen during feast days?
Zoro merely crossed his arms.
"Hmph."
That was it.
Seriously, what the hell was that guy's problem?
"SUUUPER sounds good, San-bro!"
Franky's loud voice cut through the mysteriously aggressive atmosphere before it could get any worse.
Usopp took the chance to get out of there. He quickly headed toward the men's quarters to grab his wallet, already imagining how many useless trinkets he'd end up buying at the island market.
But when he stepped back outside, he caught sight of Sanji and Zoro heading together toward the crow's nest.
Usopp blinked.
They were probably about to start another one of their endless fights.
Because honestly, why else would they be walking so close together?
Still thinking about it, Usopp found a shady corner on the deck and sat down. The sound of the ship rocking against the waves mixed with the crew's voices as a few recent scenes started replaying in his mind.
Small things.
Weird things.
Like that one time Zoro helped Sanji wash the dishes while he was on watch duty. Thinking about it now... it hadn't exactly looked like they were beating each other up.
Or that moment on the deck, when Sanji leaned down to wake him up. For one second — one very suspicious second — it had looked like a kiss.
Or even back in Whole Cake.
When Sanji was about to get married, Zoro had looked way too irritated about the whole thing. And when Sanji came back, the atmosphere between the two of them had been so strange they looked like a divorced couple trying to act normal in front of the kids.
Wait.
...Couple?
Usopp froze.
And then, like lightning striking through his brain, everything suddenly started making sense.
The exchanged glances.
The pointless arguments.
The simultaneous disappearances.
The weird noises coming from the men's quarters late at night sometimes.
How had he never noticed this before?
More importantly:
HOW HAD NOBODY NOTICED?
Acting purely on impulse, Usopp jumped to his feet and started running across the ship looking for Nami. Because honestly, if there was anyone on that ship capable of confirming that absurd theory, it was her.
But the moment he finally spotted the navigator's orange hair on the upper deck, the two suspects suddenly appeared directly in his way.
"Hey, Usopp, let's get going already. I've got things to take care of."
Sanji spoke casually while adjusting the cigarette between his fingers.
Usopp knew very well what kind of "things" those were.
"L-look, Sanji... I'm not sure I wanna go anymore. Y-you guys can go. I'll stay here helping on the ship."
Damn.
He at least tried to sound convincing, but even to himself his voice sounded way too strange.
And apparently, Sanji noticed immediately.
"Hm?" Sanji tilted his head slightly. "What happened? Up until now you wouldn't stop talking about going to the village and now you've suddenly decided to stay behind?"
The tone was casual.
But the eyes?
The eyes looked like a full criminal investigation.
"H-ha! You know how it is, right, Sanji?" Usopp answered way too quickly. "Always the same thing in these villages... markets, trouble, weird people... anyway, if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to Nami."
He tried to walk past them.
Tried.
Sanji simply stepped to the side and blocked the path effortlessly.
"Nami-san is currently enjoying her precious sunbathing time." The cook smiled, far too dangerous-looking for someone supposedly so calm. "I can't allow you to bother her. Let's go already, we're wasting time."
Maybe irritating those two right now wasn't such a good idea.
Usopp was almost certain he'd walk out of this situation missing at least one leg.
"You and Zoro go!" he insisted, already starting to back away. "I'll stay! No more questions, for the love of God!"
And then he tried to run.
Actually run this time.
But before he could even take three full steps, a hand grabbed the collar of his shirt.
Usopp let out a pathetic scream as he was effortlessly dragged backward.
"Where d'you think you're going?" Zoro's dry voice came from behind him.
The swordsman dragged him across the deck like Usopp weighed absolutely nothing.
"H-HEY! LET ME GO!"
"Quit the drama," Zoro grumbled.
Usopp struggled uselessly while being dragged toward the harbor.
And it was right at that moment — the exact moment he desperately turned his head trying to escape — that he saw it.
A small mocking smile.
Not from one of them.
From both.
The island village was noisy.
Not in the chaotic kind of pirate-island way where someone got stabbed at every corner — although that probably happened there at some point during the day too — but in a lively way. Full of people walking around, vendors shouting offers, music coming from restaurants, and the overwhelming smell of fresh food spreading through the air.
The moment they stepped onto the main street, Sanji already looked like a completely different person.
His eyes were shining.
Literally shining.
"Look at this..." Sanji murmured, almost emotional as he stared at a seafood stand. "These shrimp are perfect."
Usopp watched as the cook practically floated from stall to stall, analyzing ingredients like a man standing before divine works of art.
Behind him, the swordsman carried three already completely full bags with an expression of absolute suffering.
Usopp blinked.
...Since when did Zoro willingly help with shopping?
Even stranger: since when did Sanji allow it?
"Hey, cook," Zoro complained, lifting one of the heavy bags, "how much longer?"
"How much longer?" Sanji repeated indignantly, immediately turning around. "You wanna make a banquet with what? Air and alcoholism?"
"Would work for me."
"I'm gonna kill you."
"You say that every day."
Usopp waited for the explosion.
It never came.
Sanji merely rolled his eyes and kept walking.
Zoro followed behind him.
Naturally.
Side by side.
Usopp felt a chill crawl up his spine.
This was getting terrifying.
At some point, while Sanji argued absurdly specific prices for meat cuts with a vendor, Zoro simply disappeared.
Usopp widened his eyes.
"Did he leave already?" he asked automatically.
Sanji didn't even look worried.
"No."
"How do you know?"
"Because he always does this."
Usopp opened his mouth.
Closed it.
Opened it again.
"...Doesn't that annoy you?"
Sanji slowly exhaled smoke through his nose.
"Of course it annoys me," he answered in the same tone someone would use to comment on the weather. "But in about five minutes he'll show up carrying alcohol and pretending he didn't get lost."
And exactly four minutes later, Zoro reappeared.
With three bottles of sake tucked under his arm.
Usopp felt the overwhelming urge to scream.
"HOW DID YOU KNOW!?"
Zoro looked confused by the panic.
"Know what?"
"YOU TWO ARE BIZARRELY MARRIED!"
Silence.
An old lady walking past them stared at Usopp in horror.
Sanji choked on his cigarette smoke.
Zoro froze.
And then, slowly... very slowly... both of them turned their heads toward him at the exact same time.
Usopp immediately realized that maybe that thought should've stayed inside his head.
"Oh," Sanji said far too slowly. "So that's what this was."
"You're terrible at hiding things," Zoro commented.
"I'M THE PROBLEM HERE!?" Usopp practically screeched.
Sanji pressed a hand against his face, sighing deeply while looking away.
Zoro, the bastard, looked almost satisfied.
And that was probably the most terrifying proof of all.
"How did nobody notice this before?" Usopp muttered, horrified with himself.
The cook slowly released cigarette smoke.
"Because this isn't going to change the ship's dynamic at all."
"You two literally fight like a couple that's been married for fifty years!" Usopp shot back in despair. "How did that NOT raise suspicion!?"
"Because you idiots are idiots," Roronoa Zoro answered without hesitation.
"But why ME?"
"Because nobody would believe you."
The two added it at the exact same time.
Usopp stopped walking.
"...Excuse me?"
Zoro shrugged, carrying the bags like that conversation wasn't actively destroying someone's sanity.
"You lie too much."
"HEY!"
"He's got a point, even if I hate admitting it," Sanji said casually while picking up a tomato from a stand to inspect it. "You've made up so much absurd bullshit that honestly, nobody would take this seriously."
Usopp opened his mouth indignantly.
Then closed it.
Then opened it again.
Because the worst part was that... it actually made sense.
"...Nami knew."
"Robin first," Zoro corrected.
"Robin-chan is far too amazing not to know," Sanji murmured.
That also made way too much sense.
Usopp felt a chill run down his spine.
No, worse.
He felt offended.
Those two idiots had apparently spent who knows how long hiding a relationship right under everyone's noses and now they were acting like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Like HE was stupid for not noticing earlier.
Oh.
Oh, no.
A single thought completely took over Usopp's mind.
Sanji noticed immediately.
"...Why are you making that face?"
"Because," Usopp began, dramatically pointing at the two of them, "I'm going to get revenge."
Zoro raised an eyebrow.
"Revenge for what?"
"FOR YOU TWO!" Usopp exploded. "I spent HOURS listening to you scream at each other! I had to sleep in the same room as this! I got dragged to this island just to be your alibi!" He pointed accusingly between them. "While apparently you two were secretly having a romance this entire time!"
"It's not a hidden romance if nobody asks," Zoro answered.
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"
"It actually makes a lot of sense," Sanji commented.
Usopp completely ignored him.
"And now," he continued, already consumed by indignation, "I'm gonna tell EVERYONE."
Sanji let out a small "tch."
"Do whatever you want."
"As if we'd care," Zoro added.
And the worst part?
They genuinely didn't seem to care.
No nervousness.
No panic.
No real attempt to stop him.
Just that irritating calmness of people who had clearly planned everything out a long time ago.
That only offended Usopp even more.
"YOU TWO AREN'T TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY!"
"Usopp," Sanji sighed, "you're treating this like you just uncovered a World Government conspiracy."
"BECAUSE TO ME IT BASICALLY IS!"
Zoro let out a low laugh through his nose.
Small.
Almost invisible.
But Usopp saw it.
"YOU LAUGHED! YOU ACTUALLY LAUGHED!"
"You're imagining things."
"SANJI, HE LAUGHED!"
"Unfortunately, I didn't see anything."
"You two are terrifying." Usopp grabbed his own head. "All of this is terrifying."
"And you're loud as hell," Zoro shot back.
"And you two are a psychologically disturbing couple!"
"At least I'm engaged to somebody," Sanji answered immediately.
Silence.
Usopp's eyes widened.
Zoro slowly turned his head toward Sanji.
Sanji froze for a second.
Then closed his eyes and pressed a hand against his face.
"...Shit."
Usopp let out a downright evil laugh.
"Well, good luck stopping Luffy from organizing a wedding by tomorrow."