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The autumn winds were comforting, the breeze blowing past and making the trees rattle slightly as the leaves begin to fall. It flowed through Tord's hair, tousling it about, much to his annoyance. He was sat on the slightly damp porch, slumped against the sliding glass back door, legs pulled up into his chest. In his hand was a cigarette, one which he had rolled himself. His cold hands fumbled around trying to get it to light, finally getting a spark and taking a long inhale. He closed his eyes and exhaled with a sigh.
Tord jumped slightly, almost dropping said cigarette as he heard the door slide open and slam shut. He looked up to see Matt, rummaging around in his pockets and fishing out a box of cigarettes. The packaging being plastered with numerous health warnings and horrific gorey images.
"So, hard day huh?" Tord began with a smirk, Matt jolting back a little, his head snapping to the source of the sound, having not noticed Tord until he spoke.
"Oh, it's you." He looked Tord up and down with a grimace, taking a cigarette out of the box and shoving the pack back into his jean pocket. "Yeah, I suppose."
"Didn't know you smoked." Tord said smugly, taking another huff, almost to mock him.
"Come off it," Matt furrowed his brows, rolled his eyes and turned away from Tord. "Only occasionally, when things are proper shit." Matt began scavenging in his pockets again.
"Need a light?"
"Uh, yeah, thanks."
Tord threw the lighter up at Matt and he managed to catch it. Red and rusty, with a few small band logo stickers over it. Unlike Tord, Matt was able to get it to light in one go. Matt slid down to the ground, sitting cross legged and taking a sharp drag as he handed Tord his lighter back. The wind has settled down a bit now, but the smoke Matt exhaled still blew into Tord's face. Knowing Matt though, this was probably on purpose.
The air was tense. The four of them had their first big fight since moving in together. It started with Edd complaining that someone had his last can of cola, and turned into everyone airing out their grievances, listing all the things they hated about one another. It got bad. Tom had stormed off, raving about going to go for a drink. Edd had left shortly after, saying he needed to walk it off. He probably went to try to follow Tom and make sure he didn't get into any more trouble. Matt fled to his room before Tord could even get a word in, and Tord had been outside letting off steam ever since.
This was the most Tord and Matt had hung out with each other, especially alone. It was weird. Tord shuffled around nervously, eyes darting about their garden to find anything he could talk about to make things feel more normal.
Matt sat silently, focusing on his smoke, but occasionally glancing at Tord. He could sense how uncomfortable he was. Matt wasn't exactly the most socially adept person, but in comparison to his housemates he was a smooth talker.
"You doin' alright?" Neither of them looked at each other in the eye.
"Think so," Tord turned to look at Matt with a gentle smile. Matt didn't look at Tord. "And you?"
Matt paused for a minute, as if he was trying to come up with a scathing comeback, but he just sighed and rested his head in his hands, rubbing his temples with his free hand. He looked up at Tord as he spoke, eyes peaking through his hands.
"I just..." He blinked and lifted his head up a bit more. "I just don't understand. Not this, not anything really. Like I said, it's a load of shit," Both of them took another drag from their cigarettes.
Tord didn't say anything, just responding with a nod.
"You gonna apologise for all the things you said or not?" Matt said this with a sense of urgency and annoying in his tone. Tord winced.
"Eh, sorry..." He trailed off and chuckled a little, getting a jab in the side from Matt, shutting him up instantly.
"I meant what I said, though." Tord mumbled, scratching his chin.
"Well, you didn't have to be such an arsehole about it." Matt spat out.
"Well, maybe you should stop stealing my booze and leaving your trash everywhere." Tord responded, loud and clear this time so he was sure Matt heard it.
Matt groaned loudly. He would have kicked Tord until he was bloody and bruised if he had any less self control. He took a deep breath and decided for peace today. No more fighting.
"Alright," Matt pulled the lighter from Tord's hands with some force, causing Tord to hiss at him, and lit up his cigarette again, taking a quick puff.
"I'll stop." He let the smoke escape his mouth as he spoke, stifling a cough. Tord was caught off guard by this response, but he attempted to keep his cool.
"Heh, if I knew it was that easy I would have mentioned it sooner."
It was silent once again. The sun was beginning to set now, a soft amber glow illuminating both of their forms.
"You're alright, y'know?" Matt gave Tord the most genuine smile he'd ever seen in his life.
"Really?" Tord beamed and Matt scorned.
"Don't get so excited about it," Matt shuffled a bit closer to Tord, making a face of disgust at the still damp porch. Tord could feel himself getting warmer. "I'd have though you'd just bitch at me and stomp off," He looked up at the clouds with pure bliss. "And even if you did end up doing the first part, I find myself quite enjoying your company."
He'd never admit it to any of their faces, but Tord looked up to all of the boys in different ways. Tom's sense of style and ability to not give a fuck, Edd's artist talent and work ethic, Matt's appearance and physique. He'd never taken much thought to it before, but Matt really was handsome. His slender hands, his perfectly sculpted jaw, his... Okay, okay - that's enough of that. He tried to shake the thoughts out of his head so his words didn't come out a blabbering mess, but he wasn't really thinking with his head anymore.
"You too, pretty thing." He stumbled over his words like a baby bird trying to fly for the first time, voice cracking in the process. Matt snorted, then erupted into laughter, leaning his head onto Tord's shoulder, causing Tord to try to curl up into himself even more, becoming increasingly embarrassed.
"Trying to hit on me now, are we? Or just getting in some practise for the girls?" Tord wasn't dumb, neither was Matt. They both knew his intentions there, and they both knew the other knew that fact.
"Oh trust me, I know all about girls." Tord responded rather confidently, lip tremblingly slightly into a weak smile.
"Really?" Matt scoffed. "For some strange reason, I don't believe you."
Tord made a small hmph noise, the gears in his brain churning to decipher if he should really do this right now. Well, nothing to lose.
"Yup," Tord was full on grinning now. "Used to be one."
Matt's eyes widened. "What?"
"I'm trans." Tord's happy expression dropped into a frown.
"Oh." Matt's face was hard to read. A mix between surprise and intrigue, and almost a sense of disappointment. That was probably just Tord's brain making him paranoid like usual.
"I dunno if this is rude to say but, I couldn't tell..."
"I don't stab myself in the leg every week and crush my ribs every day for people to be able to tell." Tord chuckled to himself but Matt just kept staring at him. It felt like he was being examined, and he hated it.
"Stop looking at me like that, cunt!" As he spoke, he purposefully spat on Matt's face.
"Eugh!" Matt exclaimed, sitting up properly and wiping the spit off of himself with a disgusted expression.
"Fuck, sorry," Matt looked over to Tord innocently. Tord was still huffing angrily.
"I kinda just got lost in my own head for a second there, haha..." The laugh was pretty awkward, Matt immediately fumbling around with what little was left of his cigarette, trying to take a drag before realising it had gone out again. He looked at Tord with pleading eyes and Tord chuckled under his breath, passing him the lighter.
"Wanna talk about that or?" Tord let Matt hold onto the lighter this time.
"Eh, I guess..." Matt looked uncomfortable, but with himself this time. Yet, he persisted. Matt took a big breath in, Tord could tell it was hard for him to really get his words out. His whole body was tense.
"In the back of my brain, something had always felt...off," Matt clenched his fists together tightly, loosening them up and gesturing as he spoke again. "And, I guess being confronted with this just made everything come back to the front of my mind." Matt looked down, avoiding eye contact. He was almost shrivelling up.
Tord didn't say anything. He just stared.
"Do you ever feel like something is fundamentally missing?" Matt looked up at Tord now.
"Like a puzzle piece that escaped from the box so long ago you never tried looking for it?"
Tord tilted his head and Matt buried his head into the palms of his hands.
"I was made wrong." He cried out.
"You weren't." Tord reached out a shaky hand and put it on Matt's shoulder. Matt looked up at him confused, but he didn't pull away.
"You were just made differently." While these words helped, Matt still looked upset. So, Tord continued.
"Even toys that are made in a factory will have subtle differences, y'know? It's what makes everyone's toy uniquely theirs." Tord pulled his hand back and slid it into his hoodie pocket.
"That's a rather profound analogy coming from you." Matt chuckled.
"I know I may act like a reckless jackass, but I know more than I let on."
Matt tilted his head and retorted, and Tord began to blab on about how great of a guy he was. Matt smiled, appreciating the distraction and enjoying the banter, and then froze. It's like his body was fighting against him, he was losing control. And Tord noticed, eventually, he looked at Matt, concerned. Matt was crying, making no noise besides muttering little thing under his breath that Tord couldn't begin to make out. He was shaking, it didn't seem like he was all there. He'd curled up into himself in a way, as if to make himself smaller to hide away from the world.
Tord began to panic, he didn't really know how to comfort people. Before he could even really think properly, Tord pulled Matt into a hug. Tord could tell it snapped Matt out of this state because he very loudly, albeit very confused, exclaimed "What?!" right into Tord's ear.
Neither of them were really the affectionate type. Hell, Tord was surprised Matt had let him even sit near him, let alone lay a finger on him. But, to his surprise, Matt melted into it, resting his head on Tord's shoulder and Tord gently rubbing Matt's back. Matt must just like hugs.
It didn't feel weird anymore, it wasn't awkward. Things felt so much different than they did earlier, somehow, and something had changed. Something good.
"You're gonna be okay. We're in this together now, alright?"