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It wasn’t a drug overdose that did it. And neither was it something transmitted by an already used needle. No, it was an accident that eventually did it. A careless driver was what ultimately killed Philip’s mom.
Philip was up at his room when he found out. He was reading when Gabe and Helen came, looking somber. They came slowly into his room, Gabe sitting down next to Philip on his bed. They told him in low voices, careful, waiting for reaction.
Philip didn’t want to believe what he heard. He was waiting for his mom to get clean. Waiting for him to get to move back to her in the city. Waiting for them to reunite.
He shaked his head, chanting “No,” for himself. This had to be some elaborate prank, just a hoax. Maybe it was april 1st? But no, Gabe and Helen kept saying it was true.
Philip cried out, kicking away when Gabe tried to hug him. It just couldn’t be true. Not his mom. His only—
He collapsed on the top of the stair, curling up into a sobbing ball, hugging his knees tight. It was unreal, that his mom— No, he couldn’t think it. If he did, it would have to come true.
Gabe came a little later, coaxing him to come back to his room. Philip, reluctantly, agreed to get to bed. It was dark out by the time he was under the covers and Helen and Gabe walked out, closing his door behind them.
~~~~~
Philip stayed home from school over the following days. He didn’t care what anyone thought about it, if Helen and Gabe cared. He wanted to be alone, and he would damn well be it.
After the weekend Helen tried getting him to go back, but he refused. On Wednesday, however, he didn’t have a choice anymore. Helen drove him to school, promising she would pick him up after, too.
He noticed people looking at him, but he tried ignore it. Figure Gabe and Helen must have told the Principal, who probably told the school. Just perfect.
No one tried talking to him though. They looked at him, but it wasn’t like they were feeling bad for him, or pitied him. It was more like they were just wondering what would happen next with the strange city kid.
It was obvious to Philip that they didn't care one bit about his sorrow.
~~~~~
Gabe and Helen came with him to the funeral, even though he tried telling them they didn’t have to. The affair itself was over quick, and with the few people who actually came, there was nothing more than the part in the church. Philip wasn’t sure if he would have been able to handle people telling him how sorry they were about his loss, so he was quite relieved about the fact there was no reception.
~~~~~
Philip, if possible, spent even more time on his own after the funeral. He’d stay far away from his peers in school, and as soon he got home he would lock himself in his room or go out to the forest. There was something calming about going there, a feeling of being closer to his mom.
He photographed a lot, imagining how he did it for his mother. He could see her in so many parts of the nature — the stars in the sky, the trunks of the trees, the petals of flower, and in the shapes of the leaves. When he was out in the forest he had her all around him.
~~~~~
It was maybe a week after the funeral that he for the first time wasn’t alone out in the forest.
He was walking a trail when he heard the sound of a bike in the close distant. He was sure he wouldn’t come across whoever was riding it, or even see them, so he kept walking. He was on his way to a place he’d noticed yesterday, but hadn’t had time to go to.
It was a beautiful little pond, right in the middle of the forest. The grass grew thick and green all around it, with small patches of flowers here and there. There was also an old tree next the the pond. At some point it must have grown askew, or maybe just been blown in a harsh wind, but it was hanging out over the pond.
Philip sat down hard when he came to it, taking a deep, shaking breath. It was like his mother was in every small detail all around him, and it was just too much to take. Philip cried. He cried and cried and didn’t notice when the bike came closer.
“Are you okay?”
The voice came as out of nowhere, and when Philip looked up he saw a boy from school. Lukas.
Of course Philip had noticed Lukas in school. He was beautiful, but he was also painfully popular, of the kind that meant there was no way his friends would allow him to talk to Philip. But there he was, talking to Philip.
“No,” Philip said and turned back towards the pond, drying his tears with his sleeve. What was the point of lying? Philip didn’t care if people at school found out about this, and either way there was no way that Lukas would tell them about this. Tell them that he’d talked to Philip.
“What’s wrong?” Lukas asked, surprising Philip by sitting down next to him.
“Like you don’t know already.”
Lukas shrugged. “It’s not my place to know what upsets you.”
“Like your mom dying doesn’t upset anyone,” Philip muttered. “What, don’t you think you would be upset if your mom died?”
“She’s already dead.” Lukas said it in a low voice, and when Philip turned to him he could see Lukas watching him.
“I—” Philip began, feeling so bad about just having said that. How could he just blurt it out? Lukas mom was dead , and Philip just said that! But, his mom, she was, too, dead—
Philip turned quickly away from Lukas, willing his tears to stay, to not pour down his cheeks like a waterfall. He hugged his knees, burying his face against them when he felt the first wetness hit his cheek.
An arm was carefully laid around him.
Lukas scooted closer to Philip, the arm already around his back falling more comfortably, and the other coming around his front.
“It’s— It’ll be okay,” Lukas said softly.
Philip was too overwhelmed to answer, and instead just hid his face against Lukas shirt. Lukas was warm and comfortable, a welcoming solid presence for Philip to hang on to. His mom had been that before, but…
Lukas help him as he cried his sorrow out, warming him, calming him. When the tears had dried out, when there was no more that could come out, he forced himself to sit back. But, Lukas arms where there, solid, a barrier keeping him in the embrace. Philip turned to him, ready to tell him he could let go, but was met by Lukas face mere inches from his own. For a fleeting moment he saw Lukas gaze trailed on Philip’s lips before it flickered up to Philip’s eyes.
Lukas seemed to notice Philip had noticed and said, “You can’t tell anyone at school,” but he didn’t try to pull back. Maybe…
Philip tried his actions instead of his words, and leaned the last inches forward and connected his lips to Lukas’. Lukas responded right away, kissing him back. There was hesitance there, but Lukas didn’t pull back. By some miracle Philip had found a boy in this small place willing to kiss him. Another boy who liked boys.
Sure, Lukas was very insistent when he wanted Philip to swear he wouldn’t tell anyone. But Lukas also kissed him one more time before offering to drive him home, and another time when he dropped him off at the farm. Philip could keep a small secret.