Work Text:
Stell was, to say the least, very stressed and embarrassed. It’s been months since he’s started ignoring Justin, his best friend and long time crush, after the other boy had confessed how he felt for the elder. One could ask, ba’t nga ba niya tinakbuhan ang nakababata kung gusto niya rin pala ito? ‘Yan ang hindi niya rin masagot. Kaya naman ay labis ang kaba na nararamdaman niya ngayon, lalo na’t tinext siya ng pamangkin ni Justin at inimbitang pumunta sa renewal ng vows ng tatay nito.
Alam naman na siguro ng pamilya ng nakababata ang sitwasyon nilang dalawa ngayon, lalo na’t ito ang karamihan sa bukambibig ng mga fans nila sa social media. Alam niya din naman na pwede siyang tumanggi sa pang-iimbita nito, sa kadahilanang busy siya. Which is why he’s currently lying down in his bed, head buried in his pillows while screaming. Pwede nga niyang tanggihan ang imbita ng pamangkin ni Justin, pero pa’no niya naman tatanggihan ang imbita ng ina at ama nito?
He sits up straight after shouting for a while now— feeling niya tuloy papagalitan na naman siya ng manager nila dahil mapapaos siya. He stares at the notifications shown on his phone, nagdadalawang isip kung sasagutin niya ba ito. After a while, he had decided to just lie about his schedule and not accept their invitations, opting to just send apologies and congratulatories through messages. He had just unlocked his phone when a new notification had popped up, causing him to let out another scream and throw his phone across his bed, the device cluttering as it fell on the floor.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Stell at dali-daling kinuha ang cellphone niya, checking if he had seen it right. He lets out a gasp as he checks his notifications at namataan niyang tama nga ang kanyang pagkabasa.
Justin had texted him. Multiple messages at that.
He tried to stop himself from shaking, sighing heavily before he gathered the courage to open their conversation.
Justin
: Hi.
: I assume nagsend na si mama sa’yo ng invitation para bukas.
: Are you going?
Stell stared at the messages, tulala at malalim ang iniisip. Replyan ko ba? Nakakahiya naman.
Stell
: Hi.
: About the invitation, pinag-iisipan ko pa. And yes, si tita nga nagsend. Bakit?
Justin
: Accept it.
: Ako nagsabi sa kaniya na iinvite ka. I was hoping I could talk to you.
: About sa nangyari no’ng nakaraan.
: About us.
The phone slipped from his hands as he turned to once again, bury himself in his pillows and scream. It took him a full minute before he calmed down enough to pick up his phone and stare at the younger’s last message. Gulong-gulo na ang utak niya, puno ng kilig dahil sa nalamang sa kagustuhan pala ng nakababata na nandoon siya, at kaba sa anong pwedeng mangyari kung sakali man ay tanggapin niya talaga ang alok nitong makipag-usap.
He closes their conversation and opens his messages with his best friend, Josh. He taps the video call icon and waits for the other to answer, picking at his nails in anticipation.
Ano?
Stell looks up at his phone upon hearing the voice of his friend and pulls the device close.
Josh, kailangan ko ng tulong. Josh ka ‘di ba, alam mo ang lahat.
He says hurriedly as the face of his friend comes to view. Josh looks at him weirdly from the other side of the screen and heaves a sigh, having gotten used to his friend’s antics.
Anong kagaguhan na naman ‘yan, Ajero? Busy akong tao, bilisan mo.
Nagtext si Jah. He’s inviting me to his family’s gathering tomorrow at gusto niya daw makipag-usap. Josh, tulong. Nakakahiya, ‘di ko alam anong gagawin ko. Wala na’kong mukhang maihaharap sa pamilya niya at sa kaniya pagkatapos ng ginawa ko.
Stell says sullenly, looking at his friend expectantly. There’s a moment of silence as his friend tries to process every word he’d just said.
Eto lang masasabi ko, tol. Gawin mo na sinasabi ni Jah. Pumunta ka at mag-usap kayo. Even if you feel like you have no face to show him and his family, mas lalo kang mawawalan niyan kung di ka pupunta pagkatapos kang imbitahin ng buong angkan.
Eh, pa’no. Josh, nahihiya pa ‘ko sa kaniya. Di pa ‘ko ready makipag-usap.
So kailan ka magiging ready? Kapag si Jah naman ang hindi na? Sino ba naman kasing di mahihiya kung tinakbuhan mo ang taong nagconfess sayo at hinalikan ka. Alam mo ikaw.
Oo na, tanga na’ko sa part na ‘yun pero kasi-
Alam niyo kayo, pati ako nastress na eh. Gusto niyo naman ang isa’t isa, pakipot pa talaga. Naiintindihan ko naman na natatakot ka sa kung anong pwedeng maging reaksyon ng mga tao, lalo na ng fans. Pero tol, ‘di naman pwedeng habang-buhay mo nalang iwasan si Jah. Siyempre, magkaibigan kayo, nasa iisang grupo pa.
Stell remains silent as he listens to his friend’s advice, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes as he understands what the other means.
Kaya pumunta ka, magpakasaya ka sa party, at mag-usap kayo. Linawin niyo sa isa’t isa kung ano talagang gusto niyo and take it from there. I know you’ll get through this, both of you, kayo pa ba? Pumunta ka, okay?
Stell nods wordlessly, letting out small hiccups as his tears start streaming down his face. Both men spend a few more minutes on call, with Josh comforting his friend and offering reassurances. They end the call when Stell has calmed down, exchanging good nights and a few more reassurances from Josh.
Stell puts his phone down, trying to stop himself from crying more and possibly looking haggard for tomorrow’s event. He heaves a deep sigh before he picks up the device once more and opens his messages with Justin. His hands are shaking as he types out his replies.
Stell
: Sure, I’ll be there.
: See you.
Wala pang isang minuto ay tumunog uli ang cellphone niya. It was a reply from the younger man.
Justin
: See you.
: Have a good night.
Stell stares at the messages for a few more minutes, debating whether he should reply and greet the younger back or just leave it as is. He decides to just react with the heart emoji for both messages before placing his phone face down the bed and looking up at the ceiling of his room.
He closes his eyes as he thinks about all the possible things that could happen tomorrow. Kinakabahan siya sa kung anong pwedeng mangyari sa kanilang dalawa ni Justin pagkatapos nilang mag-usap.
Kahit ano mang kagustuhan niyang umamin na rin sa nakababata, di niya mapigilang matakot sa lahat. Sa reaksyon ng mga tao, sa kung anong pwedeng mangyari sa grupo nila, at lalo na sa kung anong pwedeng mangyari sa kanilang dalawa ng kaibigan niya kapag dumating ang panahon na sakaling mapagtanto na lamang ng nakababata na hindi worth it ang paghihirap at nararamdaman niya para kay Stell.
Thoughts ran around Stell’s mind, drowning him in self-deprecation and his insecurities. Hindi niya namamalayang tumutulo na muli ang kanyang mga luha, at humihikbi na animo’y batang kinuhaan ng paborito nitong laruan. In his case, it was and it could be Justin, his best friend, sandigan, at pinakamamahal niya, ang pwedeng mawala at makuha sa kanya, in case everything goes wrong.
That night, he cried himself to sleep. Imagining the one man he ran away from, coming to hold him in his arms and whisper comforting words, just as the other had done countless times before. He went to sleep with a heavy heart, a drowned mind, and a tear-stricken face.
The next day, he was woken up by the warm feeling in his face, illuminated by the sun beams signifying the start of a new day. He felt around his bed, picking his discarded phone up to look at the time. It was a quarter past 10 AM, he had enough time to get ready and arrive at the venue later in the afternoon. ‘Di naman daw kailangan masyadong maaga siya dumating sa event, pagkakaalala niyang sabi ni Eunice, pamangkin ni Justin.
Agaw pansin ang katahimikang bumabalot sa buong condo niya, at tsaka lang niya naalala na nasa nanay pa pala ang mga pusa niya. He makes a mental note to pick them up soon, para naman kahit papaano, may kasama siyang magmukmok kung sakaling di maganda ang kinalabasan ng usapan nila ni Justin mamaya.
Nanumbalik ang kaba at hiya na nararamdaman ni Stell simula pa kahapon. He sighs and opts to drink a full glass of water, hoping it’ll wake him up and rehydrate his entire being, lalo pa’t matagal-tagal din siyang umiyak kagabi.
He moves across the kitchen, preparing the things he will need to cook his first meal of the day. He settled for a simple dish, a bowl of oatmeal with fruits and nuts mixed in together. He knows it won’t make him full enough to last until meal time mamaya sa event, but he also feels as though masusuka lang niya kung ano man ang kakainin niya dahil sa kaba, so he’s decided to eat just enough.
Naupo siya sa sofa ng kanyang condo, absentmindedly scrolling through his phone, checking his social medias, looking at posts and edits of their fans. Spoonful after spoonful, sa wakas ay natapos niya din ang oatmeal niyang walang lasa. Never again. Kung ‘di ko lang feel na masusuka ako eh. He thought.
A few hours later, he was finally ready to go. He checks himself in the mirror multiple times, pati na rin ang bag niyang naisipan niyang dalhin. In case of emergency lang. Baka ang dami na namang ipabaon ni Tita Ma.
After making sure everything’s good and perfect, he finally goes out of his condo and heads to the garage. He drives himself to the venue, listening to music on his aux. Sakto namang red light ng biglang nagplay ang “Ikaw Lang” by Nobita, dahilan para bahagya siyang matulala sa passenger seat and remember the times Justin had hummed to the same song, scrolling absentmindedly on his phone, unaware that Stell had been recording him for a while then. He remembers posting that same video as his birthday greeting for the younger man. Ikaw lang ang iibigin, sinta. Miss na kita, Jah. He thinks bitterly, chuckling at himself as he turns back and drives off once more.
It wasn’t until a few minutes later that he pulled up at the parking lot of the church kung saan gaganapin ang salo-salo nila. He spots Tita Gemma, ang ina ni Justin whom Stell calls Tita Ma, who waves him over and greets him with a full hug. He feels someone patting his back and sees Justin’s dad, Tito Efren, who he hugs as well.
“We’re glad you made it, iho. Namiss ka namin ng Tita Ma mo.” The older man says, returning Stell’s hugs. The latter just laughs, and turns to the older woman who has looked at him with a pout, na para bang nagtatampo pa ito sa kanya. “Namiss ko din po kayo, Tito Da, Tita Ma. Salamat po sa pag-invite.” Stell says to the couple, offering them a tight smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Kinaya ko naman sa iba. Ba’t sa inyo, parang ang hirap magpanggap na okay lang ang lahat? Na okay lang kami ng anak niyo, Tito, Tita? Stell thinks bitterly as he gazes upon the couple who are looking at him with smiles and laughter.
“Sus, kami lang ba talaga namiss mo?” Sambit naman ni Tita Gemma. Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ni Stell, napalitan ng isang pilit na tawa. He was about to answer the question when a voice suddenly called the couple from behind.
"Ma, Pa. Tawag na kayo dito, magsisimula na daw po.” The voice from behind says, knocking out all the air in Stell’s lungs. He turns around to look at the man who’d call them and lets out a shaky breath upon seeing him.
His Justin, standing there in all his glory, looking so dashing and handsome in his suit. Sa’yo talaga? Tinakbuhan mo nga ‘yan eh. Pananaway pa ng utak niya. Ang gwapo niya sa suit , Lord. Papakasalan po.
He snaps out of his thoughts when he hears Tita Gemma talking beside him, and the heavens know he wasn’t really listening. His eyes were fixated on the man in front of him, ang lalaking kay tagal na niyang gusto, also the same man he ran away from no’ng nagconfess ito sa kanya.
“You’re here. Glad you could make it.” Sambit ng nakababata, offering Stell a small smile. The latter looks at the younger man’s face and offers a smile of his own in return. “ I told you I would be here.” He replies, not noticing the absence of the couple beside them. “ I’ll come get you mamaya. Wait for me, and don’t run off, okay?” The younger says in return. Stell’s smile falls at the reminder of his whole “‘running away” fiasco, which he quickly recovers with a nod of his head. “I’ll be here. Not running off this time.” They exchange tight smiles before Justin is called over by his niece for their walk down the aisle.
Time flew by quickly, and Stell would be lying if he said he didn’t have fun. The De Dios family treated him exactly the same as before, walang awkwardness o ilangan na kahit ano, at wala din namang nakaisip bumanggit tungkol sa kanila ni Justin. Stell was grateful, he hadn’t really prepared himself fully on how to interact with the family kung sakali man ay awkward sa kanila ang nangyayari sa kanila ni Justin.. Napasobra yata ang pagka-komportable ng pamilya ng nakababata sa kanya, na pati siya ay kasali sa family picture nito.
He was all smiles and laughter the entire evening, pasayaw-sayaw lang sa gilid at kasama ang mga tita, subtly preparing himself para sa usapang magaganap mamaya. Speaking of Justin, kanina pa ito nakita ni Stell na nakaupo lamang sa hapag-kainan at tumatawa paminsan-minsan. Kanina lang din niya ito napapansing patingin-tingin sa kanya, making him even more nervous.
Maya-maya pa, makalipas yata ang isang oras, ay ipinagpaalam niya ang sarili niyang lalabas muna siya at magpapahangin. His Tita Ma had nodded at him, telling him to not stroll too far and to return later. Stell smiles at her, promising to be back as soon as possible before he steps out and walks to the parking area. He wasn’t planning to drive home just yet, kinailangan lang talaga niyang lumayo muna sa mga tao sa loob dahil ubos na ang social battery niya.
He was leaning against his car door, head buried between his knees, when he heard the soft sounds of footsteps coming his way. He was about to tell them that he’d be back in a few when he suddenly felt the other person sit beside him. He is forced to look up and instantly freezes in his movements when he does so.
Justin was sitting beside him, eyes focused on Stell’s face, as if analyzing him. Once he finds what he seemed to be looking for, he offers the older boy a soft smile.
“Hi. Akala ko, tinakbuhan mo na naman ako. Nandito ka lang pala.” the younger man says, still looking at Stell. The latter couldn’t find it in himself to speak, stuck staring at the younger man’s face. Ang pilit na ngiti sa labi nito, ang lungkot at mga nagbabadyang luha sa dating kumikinang na mata ng nakababata ay siyang naging dahilan ng tuluyang pag-iyak ni Stell.
Tears streamed down his face as he cried and muttered words of apologies towards his friend. Justin was taken aback by the sudden outburst, but soon regained composure and held the crying boy in his arms. Stell cries in relief at being able to be this close with the younger once again, burying himself deeper on the younger’s shoulders. The latter rubs comforting circles on the older’s back, murmuring sweet nothings in his ear. Matagal-tagal din bago tuluyang tumahan si Stell, reduced to just hiccups and deep intakes of breath.
“Ayos ka na ba?” Justin asks, wiping away the tear streaks on Stell’s face. The latter just nods, tired from all the crying and unable to speak. The former hoists him up by his arms, fishing out Stell’s car keys from the latter’s pockets and opening the car beside them. Stell looks at him confused, to which Justin just replies with a smile.
“Nagpaalam na ‘ko kila Mama. Una na tayong umuwi, mag-uusap pa tayo diba?” The younger just says, opening the door to the passenger seat and gesturing for Stell to sit. “I’ll drive. Baka malabo pa mata mo kakaiyak.” he jokes. Stell wordlessly slides inside to sit as he watches Justin go around the car to the driver’s seat.
Once inside, Justin turns to him and helps secure his seatbelt before he does his own. He checks inside the car, before he starts the car and slowly drives off. The ride home is quiet, only the sound of the car AC humming between them. Stell looks out the window, letting a few silent tears stream down his face, unaware of the glances Justin has shot his way.
Half an hour had passed bago natanaw ni Stell ang building ng condo ni Justin. He had half-expected that the younger would be bringing him here instead of the De Dios residence. Justin turns off the engine and parks before going out himself and going around the car to open Stell’s door. It was a habit of his, kahit noon pa.
They walk side by side to the elevator, with the younger man holding Stell’s hand. Stell didn’t know what to feel. Hindi gan’to ang inexpect niyang trato mula sa nakababata, especially after what happened between them. Even so, he follows the other man’s lead, letting himself be dragged and guided inside the condo unit.
He sits himself down sa sofa sa sala, hinintay na lumabas ng kwarto ang nakababata. He starts picking at his nails, a nervous habit of his. Maya-maya pa ay lumabas na si Justin mula sa kwarto, may dalang ternong pajama na inabot niya kay Stell. The latter stares at the outstretched hand of his friend and looks up at him. The younger one just smiles at him and hands over the pajamas before talking. “Magpalit ka muna, tsaka na tayo mag-usap.”
Another half an hour later and both of them had changed out of their previous clothes, now wearing matching pajamas they had bought for a sleepover once. Justin has just come out of the bathroom and plops down the bed, leaning against the headboard. Stell, who had been sitting on the edge of the bed, crawls over to the younger man, who had his arms wide open for a hug, buries himself at his side. They stay like that for a minute, quietly basking in the company they had missed.
Stell feels a hand run through his hair and lets out a content sigh, burying himself deeper at the younger man’s side. The latter leans his cheek at the top of the older man’s head, as he too releases a sigh.
“Talk, Tey. I’ll listen, kahit ano pa ‘yan.” Stell hears him whisper, voice quiet and a bit shaky, na para bang pinipigilan nitong maiyak. Stell’s heart breaks at the sound, tears starting to form in his eyes once again. He lets out a shaky before he talks.
“Gusto din kita, Jah. Gustong-gusto, matagal na. Kung sa totoo lang, I was not expecting you to like me back. Akala ko talaga hanggang friends lang tayo. And I was okay with that, I was going to be okay with that.” he says. “Tanggap ‘ko na noon pa, na imposibleng makikita mo ko na higit pa sa kaibigan. Pero a few months ago, what seemed impossible then was actually happening. At natakot ako.” he continues, the younger man humming in acknowledgement.
“ Natakot ako, sobra. Sa kung anong iisipin at sasabihin ng mga tao, sa kung anong pwedeng mangyari sa’tin at sa kung anong meron tayo. Pero mas natakot ako sa posibilidad na darating ang araw, at marerealize mo na may madami pang iba na kayang tapatan kung ano ka. Mayaman, talentado, mabait, gwapo, at mapagmahal.” he heaves a shaky breath, a few tears escaping the confines of his eyes and streaming down his face. Stell sits up, turning to look at the man beside him, smiling bitterly as he allows more tears.
“Natakot akong makita mo kung ano lang talaga ako. ‘Di naman ako kagalingan, eh. Mas mayaman ka din kesa sa’kin, mas mabait, mas gwapo. I was scared I wasn’t going to be enough for you, for who you were. And I’m so sorry I let those fears come between us, of what we could’ve been now. I’m sorry kung ang gulo ko, kung ang hirap kong mahalin. I’m sorry, Jah.”
Stell looks down, not having the courage to look at the other man in the eyes. He cries as he repeats his sorry over and over again. Arms engulf him, and he buries himself at the comfort the younger gives. He feels a damp patch in his shoulder and realizes the younger man’s crying too, as he hears him sniffle and breathe shakily.
“Stop apologizing. Wala kang kasalanan, Tey. Naiintindihan kita, mahal kita.” Justin murmurs in his ear, causing the older boy’s cries to grow. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. Never, ever compare yourself to me, Stell. Magkaiba tayo, and I like it that way. What I lack, you complete. And vice versa. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” the younger man continues as Stell’s cries turn into hiccups and sharp intakes of air.
“Tahan na. You’re not alone anymore. I’m here. Sasabayan kitang harapin lahat ng takot mo. I am and will be here on your side.” Justin continues, stroking the other man’s back as the latter tightens his hold around him. “Ito ang tandaan mo, Tey. Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal kita, at sa mga panahong ‘di mo kayang mahalin ang sarili mo, allow me to love us both. Borrow my love for you. Allow my heart to beat for the both of us. Okay?”
Stell nods at the other man’s words. He sits up once more, now looking at Justin’s eyes with confidence and love. He offers a small smile at the latter, who gives him a smile of his own in return. He leans forward to plant a kiss on the younger man’s lips. Justin smiles softly and leans in as well, deepening the kiss. They pull away at the same time as the latter places their foreheads together. They laugh softly, catching their breaths.
“Mahal na mahal kita, Justin De Dios. Pangako, ‘di na’ko tatakbo palayo.”
“Mahal na mahal din kita, Stellvester Ajero-De Dios. Pangako, nandito lang ako palagi.”