Chapter Text
And there you were, sitting there on the bathroom floor.
What had you done?
The attempt had almost worked, you were so close. You could still feel some of the crimson dripping down your arms, once you had started you couldn’t stop, red also flowed down from your thighs and all you could do is stare up at the ceiling, the harsh lights of the bathroom giving you a headache or maybe it was the blood loss, to be honest, you didn’t really care what the cause was.
The tears started building up again but you knew you were too tired for another round.
14 cuts, 9 on your arms and five on your legs, you leaned against the wall which you would expect to be warm from your body heat for how long you had been sitting there.
You just stared at your scars, you could tell the difference between all the attempts that had gotten close to working and all the ones that were just for self harm.
You checked the time: 3:47 AM, [damn it] when you realized it was already morning, and around 4-5 hours when you had to leave for work. That’s when you got off the floor to clean yourself up, but just before you could you could hear your balcony door slide open.
[holy shit, today of all days! I hate this!] but you already knew what was coming.
You and Pierrot had been talking ever since you had defended him in the streets, he was pretty affectionate and sweet which was something you didn’t get often especially when working customer service at a cafe. You liked him, you really enjoyed his company, and eventually you got attached to him.
You had not experienced love in a very long time, you knew that your love and care for him was not platonic but you weren’t sure about him, how he felt. You also knew that your love for him was unhealthy, you were vulnerable. You knew that Pierrot had often visited your apartment, and you didn’t care, you also didn’t confront him, just another thing you knew was unhealthy: you couldn’t set boundaries.
You heard him moving around the sheets on your bed looking for you, slowly becoming more frantic with it, then his footsteps, and you knew you were caught when he stoped in front of the bathroom door. A hesitant and timid knock ends up on the bathroom door. “My dear, are you in there? Are you ok? …my dear I can smell blood, can you tell me if your ok? I don’t want to panic.” [oh my god what am I gonna do????] “yea I’m fine, I think your just smelling things Pierrot” but the uncertainty in your voice gave you away instantly. “My dear… may I come in?” You shot back: “No!” You laughed awkwardly. “I mean I don’t want to let you in because I’m not dressed appropriately… that’s why!” But he didn’t buy it, and somehow he found the key on the top of the door frame but also to be honest you weren’t too surprised he found it, it was a basic spot.
You could hear the key opening the door so you scramble to put on your hoodie and use the towel to hide your legs, but Pierrot was already in. He saw the bloody tissues and the kitchen knife on the floor, his eyes grew wide processing what he’s observing. But you can see in his eyes when it clicked.
He dropped to he knees and you can see his eyes getting glassy, he scrambled towards you wanting to touch you, to hold you, to comfort you, but unsure where you hurt yourself, as he did not want to injure you further with the pressure of a hug or any sort of endearment.
The tears rolled down his mask. “No…no no no no no. My dear were you hurting yourself? Please tell me the truth, you can tell me anything, please.” His voice broke, while his face looked broken, like a lost puppy watching its owner leave it on the side of the street, just seeing him made the tears come once again, as you slowly removed the towel from your thighs and just as you thought his eyes couldn’t show more emotion, they did. An expression you had never seen on him before unfolded on his expressive mask.
And you could see it, as you had seen it on yourself: guilt, unworthiness, a sadness that was no longer sad but more like despair, and panic. It was like watching a light notice how much it has to shine to brighten a dark cave. Warm tears start streaming down your face again and you don’t know if you can get them to stop like you once did.
You took off your hoodie showing more of the damage you did, and Pierrot crumpled. Now tears were pouring down both of your guys faces, Pierrot though, picks you up with such diligence like you were porcelain or an already cracked vase that was one more hit before being deemed unless.
He took you to your bed and he went back to the bathroom to go get the medical kit. You were just sitting on the edge of your bed tears still streaming but somehow you had controlled them so that you weren’t completely weeping, especially in front of Pierrot, you didn’t want him to see you vulnerable. You thought that he would be disturbed of what you had done. But when you saw him with the med kit something inside you froze [Is he really helping me? In this state? He should be disgusted, that’s how people usually act, that’s how you’re supposed to act… right…?]
His eyes were still glassy, but he had composed himself a little more. He kneeled down before you and took your arm, some of the blood was dry and some was still wet. He took a damp napkin and gently cleaned your self inflicted wounds, glancing up once in a while to make sure he wasn’t causing you any pain.
“Am I ok to do this my dear? Am I allowed to touch you? Am I hurting you at all?” You took a shaky breath before you could respond as clearly as you could. “Y-yea you can t-touch me, and no your n-not hurting m-me.” Your voice trembled on almost every word. He nodded, acknowledging you, while still glancing up every so often to make sure you were ok.
He poured on some hydrogen peroxide while comforting you with his words, telling you that it was to help, and that he had to clean the wound. He took the bandages and wrapped up your arms, the cuts were deep, he knew he would have to take you to the doctor later, but now you just needed support, you needed him. He then repeated the same process on your thighs carful to respect your body while still providing care, and whenever he felt he needed your permission to touch you, he would always ask. And you said yes, because you knew that he had no ill intentions, you trusted him.
After a good 15 minutes of Pierrot fixing you up in silence, he breaks it: “My dear, why were you hurting yourself?” He sits beside you on the bed laying his hand over yours. “Because, it’s easier, it’s easier knowing what’s coming, and killing myself doesn’t seem so bad. Why would I want to live here? The world is cruel and there’s nothing for me, I don’t have any friends. I have my family but I haven’t had the best relationship with them. And life is boring and mundane, I go to work to what? Get paid minimum wage and get bullied by adults that make more in a week than I do in a year? Besides I hate myself I can’t stand up to anyone, and all I ever do is take up space!” Pierrot looked at you, and I mean really looks at you, he accidentally lets a tear roll down his mask before quickly wiping it away before you could notice.
“My dear, you are everything this world needs, the world is cruel, but that’s every world. You are the light this world needs, the light that I need. My dear I need you, you helped me when I couldn’t stand up for myself and that shows everything I need to know about you. The way you still smile at costumers even when they yell at you, they way you respect all the members of my family at the circus. My dear you are no waste of space your are what is needed in this space. I love you and I need you here with me, please please please please, I will do anything to keep you from hurting yourself I will do anything to stop you from having these thoughts, you are like the child of Aphrodite, you are pure gold to me, my love, just give me a chance and I can help you live again!”
At this point he was in front of you, on his knees begging, voice shaking. He moved up just a bit though to hug your stomach, he nestled his face into your belly and you sat there, not knowing what to do, he…loved you? But you were suicidal? No one could love you… but something lit inside of you… hope. You wanted Pierrot to love you, you wanted someone to care for you, you wanted someone to rely on. So, you finally hugged him back, you two sat there for a moment enjoying each ethers company when you glance at your phone “SHIT! It’s already 4:30?!” Pierrot loosened his grip and turned towards your phone. “My dear it’s really early in the morning, you should take today off. A mental heath day! And we can spend it together, I can help you feel better!” Honestly a day off sounded more than pleasant. “Sure, why not? I’ll just text my boss later it’s too early for him anyways.” Pierrot glanced up at you with confusion “you… talk to your boss privately? My dear?” You look down at him, seeing the jealousy play in his eyes. “Yes I have his personal number, but our relationship is platonic, as it will always be Pierrot, I promise.” He smiles gently and nods “You should get some sleep though my dear”
He stands to his full hight which is towering over you. You stand too getting ready to get into bed when he suddenly pushes the blanket aside for you to get into bed while he gets in on the other side.
“I hope you don’t mind that I sleep with you tonight my dear, I hope this is ok.” He climbs into bed while you respond “Yes Pierrot it’s ok.” You turn to your bedside to turn off the lamp Pierrot had unnoticeably turned on earlier then you turn to face Pierrot again, he pulls you closer to him and you settle in his grasp, warmth radiating off of him like an stove. “My dear, you have no idea how long I’ve waited to tell you I love you, to touch you, to express my care. I’m so happy you gave me a chance.” You smile and snuggle even closer to him as your silent response, and he accepts it, he loves it, because he loves and accepts you.