Chapter Text
Madness.
That’s what it was. That’s what you came for. You wanted a story with a little life in it, and here you go.
Kodrea sipped at tea, Usami was hunched before her computer, Midorikawa watched rank wars, Yuma was with Osamu, Tachikawa frowned down at his newly received bad grades. Jin puzzled over why his side effect was almost hazy, Kikuchihara and Kazama were at afternoon practice, and Konimi and Kyousuke lounged at Tamakoma. They were about to be subject to one hell of an adventure, but remember, stories start with the status quote, to emphasize the madness.
That is what you came here to read, correct?
Yousuke was playing a videogame in his apartment. It was normal for him too, he mindlessly tapped at the buttons in the bright afternoon sun that filtered through the window. It was a lazy afternoon, and he assumed that it would end the same was it had started. The same as ever. Izumi had been texting him about something that he really didn’t care about, so when his phone vibrated, he didn’t bother to grab it.
He was in the process of a long and tedious fetch quest for some elf lady, sipping at a soda can, his mind not really tied down to anything in particular, when his phone buzzed a second time.
Grumbling, he didn't assume anything of it, and was sure that if he picked it up he’d be telling Izumi to shut up and stop blowing up his phone once he saw what it was, but he looked anyways, on the small off chance it was somebody he was more keen on talking to.
[ 1 New Message, Border HQ.]
[1 New Message, Miwa.]
That, more than anything all day, caught Yosuke's attention. It was strange really, to get a message for either, and curiosity lead his finger to unlock his phone.
It wasn’t any kind of secret that Miwa didn’t like to talk to other people. Narasaka and Kodrea were shocked to learn that Miwa would occasionally drop him by little messages that didn’t concern business, because evidently he never did it for anybody else. Now, Yosuke had always respected Miwa when he talked to him, but after finding out that Miwa trusted him more than others, and let him in farther, he really began to cherish what he had been given, and from then on, he had put anything that Miwa ever said to him on a pedestal.
[Yosuke, Are you there? I’m so sorry, could we maybe meet at my house, soon as you can?
That was it].
There was no context, no… nothing. That was all the message read, and Yosuke's mind suddenly was forced to stumble through the dark in search of an explanation. Was this as dire as it sounded?
Yosuke could only assume.
Yousuke knew his friend, and knew he would never tell him this without good reason, so it must be important, right?
Yosuke quickly opened the message from HQ, and now, it really didn’t take priority, but he was glad he looked at it, because he suddenly had the answers that he needed.
[Attention all A-rank agents:
As you may or may not know, our engineers have been working on a long term project to create two triggers called “BARRIERS”
They, after 4 years, have succeeded in creating these triggers, which will act as a filter to gates. It acts like a forcefield, and prevents most neighbors from entering our realm. It is a time for celebration, and we will be selecting party members for another away mission at a meeting tomorrow at 12:00pm for the placement of these triggers.
We expect your cooperation and understanding.]
Yosuke’s heart turned to stone.
He was aware of the project. Barriers had been a hot topic amongst Operators and engineers around HQ For the past few weeks, saying that something big had just fit into place about it, and that it may be ready soon.
But not THIS soon.
This was what Izumi was just talking to him about, half an hour ago. He was going on and on about this, and ‘how it changed everything’. But now that wasn’t really Yosuke’s concern.
He was worried about Miwa.
Yousuke was waiting for something of this caliber to happen. Miwa had been behaving more glum than usual after a certain Border meeting the previous week. Yousuke knew something was up, but also knew Miwa was far more sensitive then he let on. Yousuke never said anything and waited for Miwa to tell him in time. However, it looked like he was too late, and the damage was done. Border was possibly falling, and Border was the center of Miwa’s universe. It was what he cared about the most.
So, of course, when Yousuke got the text he hit the ground running. He grabbed his copy of Miwa’s key, and slammed the door behind him. Miwa's house was only a few blocks away, so he sprinted there as fast as he could. His mind was buzzing, but he tried to not think about any of this to hard, or to much, like he did with any other big issue. It was far easier to deny most of it, and accept a little bit, then do it again and again, until it was over, than to face the whole reality of it at once. Unluckily, Miwa had a very hard time accepting such things, and Yosuke knew that Miwa’s mental state was about as stable as the leaning tower of Piza would be during a rate 10 earthquake.
Yosuke bounded up Miwa’s front steps, wondering how fast he had gotten here, and what he was going to find inside. Miwa lived with his mother, but she was gone for days at a time, and Yosuke knew he was alone before he had his key jammed in the lock, and popped the door open.
The sight that greeted him was the usual grey kitchen. The slight coating of dust on the surfaces gave the impression that Miwa’s mother had been absent for a long time, and Miwa, true to form, corralled himself in his room, and didn’t associate with others, or look outside. Which, was a sad way to live, frankly. However, Yosuke acutely noted that all the blinds were drawn, and their was hardly light in the room as he quickly kicked off his shoes.
That couldn’t be good… any sign of Miwa’s returning depression never was.
"Shuji?" Yousuke called quietly, but to no avail. It didn't really matter though, because Yousuke was already racing up the steps to Miwa's bedroom. Sure enough, the hallways were dusty too, and undisturbed, everything had been in the same place for about half a month, and not a window in the house was opened. He stopped abruptly outside the door and took a deep breath. He placed his hand on the doorknob for a moment, and hesitated, frozen in fear of what he might see on the other side, when he heard a sob emitting from behind the door. Yosuke figured this was going to happen, but that still didn’t make it any easier to swallow. He heard a second, and he let the door give way and let his eyes cast themselves towards one of the more heartbreaking things he had seen in awhile.
Miwa was sitting on the edge of the bed, face in his hands. He could clearly tell Miwa had been crying for a while, he was hunched over and powerless. And even then as Yousuke stood in the doorway, awkwardly, he could clearly make out the muffled sobs, and short gasps for air. He hadn’t felt so empty… in, well, since the first invasion.
Yosuke came to Miwa’s side in silence, at first, subtly letting him know he was there. Miwa didn’t even look up, and Yosuke enveloped him in a hug, his arms wrapping about
Miwa tightly and securely. It still didn’t stop Miwa’s trembling and whimpering. Miwa finally gave a sign of acknowledgement, which was him grabbing back around him. Yousuke held him close, and let Miwa rest his head on his shoulder for a few minutes before finally asking what was wrong. Miwa leaned on him, and Yosuke reflected on how long it had been scene Miwa had cried. His depression had been easing up over the past few months, but it seemed as if were back in full swing.
“Hey, hey, I saw the message…” Yosuke quietly told him.
…
No response.
Only more sobbing.
“Hey, look at me…”
Nothing.
“Shuji, hey, hey talk to me… What’s happening? How long did you know? You won’t get any better if you do nothing…”
…
Yosuke started to rub his back in circles.
“Please… just say something for me? Anything, say anything, please… I beg you…”
…
“Is it over?” Miwa finally forced out.
Yosuke pulled him into the crook of his neck.
“No, Border will be fine, it’s never going to be over, it’s okay…”
“What gave you that idea?”
Yosuke frowned. Miwa was the one at all the meetings, not him. Miwa probably had more information than anybody. Maybe Miwa was right, and Border was over, but still.
“Barriers isn’t going to prevent everything, the people still need us.” He said, half convincing Miwa, half convincing himself.
“What if they don’t?”
“What kind of a stupid question is that?”
Miwa shifted.
“We have no idea what’s going to happen…” He fumbled.
Yosuke felt Miwa’s heartbeat pounding, and Miwa still sobbed.
“I do…” He cried. “I know…”
Yosuke felt his heart empty.
“Then tell me!”
Miwa had his face successfully buried in his collarbone, and Yosuke felt his tears soak through his shirt. He tried to form a sentence, but the start was unintelligible, and the ending never came.
“Calm down, I’m here for you… it’s gonna be okay, just… clear your mind…”
Miwa hiccuped, choking down breath. “What if we are dismissed from duty permanently?”
“That won’t happen…” Yosuke tried to sway his view. “I swear…”
“Then you’re a liar.”
“Shuji, look, even if we are safe, it won’t end like this, I promise… I’m not lying to you... “
“Who am I?”
“Pardon me?”
“You heard me.” He sobbed. “Who will I be without Border?”
Yosuke stopped. Miwa shook in his grasp, and Yosuke wished he could stay like this forever. Not Miwa, Yosuke obviously wanted him to get better, but he wished that Miwa would let him wrap him in a hug all the time, not just this once.
Yosuke bit his lip, before he responded in a voice that had the same weight as a falling feather.
“You are whoever you want to be, but if I had any say in it, you could stay just the way you are now, if you’d like…”
“What if that ‘me’ is worthless?”
“Then you can be the Shuji I remember from before the invasion…”
“It won’t be the same…”
Yosuke sighed, Miwa’s trebling fingers seemed to have no trouble tying his stomach into knots.
“No, no it won’t be, and that’s okay…” He whispered, once again, unsure of which of them really needed to hear that. “Sometimes we just have to change, no matter how frightening that may be.”
His words we evidently ineffective, as Miwa grabbed fistfuls of his shirt to pull him in, tears streaming down his cheeks.
There was silence for another prolonged couple of minutes.
Miwa was practically in his lap when he tried to speak again.
He sniffled his words, but Yosuke was truly just trying to decipher what he said, so he didn’t have to repeat himself, than how he said it.
“It’s not properly tested.” He whimpered, sullenly. He really was shaking, which mabe Yosuke wary of his state, and Yosuke wanted Miwa to stay within his sight for the next few days.
“Obviously I want everybody to be safe, but I can’t lose you. Or the rest of the squad, I just couldn’t handle it…” He cried again, words muffled a little as his spoke into his neck.
“You’ll never lose us. I promise… Even if Border ends, which it won’t, we won’t leave you! Not for the world!” He swore, meaningfully.
“Really?” Miwa sounded skeptical. “I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting me around. I only seem to cause you trouble…”
“Of course we would stay…” Yosuke smiled, as he reached up to stoke Miwa’s hair. “You’re never trouble, you’re our friend, and we wouldn’t abandon you for anything.”
Miwa seemed to relax slightly at this, but he was still crying something awful.
He really was scared of being left for dead, but thankfully, he didn’t have to be. Miwa would never be alone again, Yosuke would make sure of it.
Adrenaline took over.
Yosuke suddenly just… didn’t think, and bit the bullet that he had been postponing.
Miwa was so close to him, pressing up to his chest, it seemed natural to him, like an instinct.
Yosuke retreaded a tad, before leaning back in, and laying a careful kiss on his cold lips
…
What the hell did he just do?
Miwa cringed in confusion, and his hands immediately tried to throw him off. Yousuke tore away, frozen in a state of incomprehension of the damage he had just caused.
Yousuke was turning a vibrant shade of red, and he started to tremble, while Miwa's crying had ceased at they both vainly tried to grasp what Yousuke had just done. There was a moment of silence before Yousuke finally got a grip of reality.
After great pause, he began to back up slowly, wanting to distance himself from the whole new problem on numb legs. Then increased his pace until his back hit the door of the closet. He fell to the floor and kept his eyes on Miwa.
What the hell have I done?
The room was silent, as the last of his tears still quietly rolled down Miwa’s face, Yosuke's vision became full of water.
Miwa knew.
Miwa now knew how Yousuke had been feeling about him. Yousuke was giving up. He closed his eyes and water spilled out.
He had told himself over and over, Miwa won’t love you, never in this way, and he knew he was right. Yosuke knew that the day Miwa found out was the day his spot on the
Miwa squad was revoked. He was all too aware that Miwa avoided love, because the death of his sister had traumatized him into thinking that no matter what, love will only
hurt you.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.
It was supposed to never have happened. It was supposed to have never been mentioned, brought up, or found. It wasn’t supposed to exist, this never was anything.
Yet now it was… and it was his fault.
He just couldn’t seem to hold it together, he couldn’t do ANYTHING. It had just… come out, and Yosuke wished that he could reverse this, because only bad things were to come of this long stored revelation.
"I'm... I'm-I'm sorry Shuji. I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean to- I know you- I know I just- I can’t- I-”
But it was no use, no matter his struggle, it was to no avail whatsoever.
“Fine… I love you, alright? I admit it, and I’m sorry…”
Yosuke wasn't sure if he was satisfied with that… he didn’t think he would ever have the courage to say it, but in the moment, it felt like not enough… it wasn't really anything. Like somewhere along the line, it had lost all of it’s meaning.
He hid his head behind his knees and shut his eyes. It was silent for a moment more. What more was there to say? What more could he do? Yosuke almost wanted to leave
Miwa there alone, but he still didn’t have the heart to abandon him while he was still in tears. Also, he didn’t think he could move his legs. But surely he had to do
something? This wasn’t going to end well, he knew, and he should probably let Miwa calm down a little bit.
Who was he kidding? He really had fucked this up.
Yosuke was still waist deep in guilt and thought when Miwa finally spoke.
“You’ve got to be kidding me…”
It seemed like a strange thing to say, but Miwa had seemingly found his voice again, so Yosuke was ready to incur the full wrath that he deserved for all of this. Yosuke thought that he’d have rather died than be thrown into this scenario. He had just turned the future on it’s head, it was the most drastic change he could’ve made, and now nothing would ever be the same way.
Yosuke shut his eyes. He didn’t think he could bear to see Miwa… hearing him would be bad enough.
Yosuke wondered why Miwa hadn’t thrown him out of the house yet, when he hear the creaking of the mattress, and heard Miwa slowly shuffling over to him.
Yosuke risked opening one eye when he heard Miwa standing before him, and blinked in surprize when he saw him kneeling down before him, at his eye level. More than that, he was offering Yosuke a hand to stand up.
Yosuke wasn't entirely sure what this meant, only that he shouldn't question it. Miwa was leading him now, he had given the reigns situation to him.
Miwa pulled Yosuke up off of the floor, Miwa’s hand felt soft in his own, and Yosuke was about to speak, when Miwa cut him off.
Miwa stepped in, and his hands grabbed at the front of his shirt. He pulled himself in close, his chest pressed to Yosuke’s, he had his back to the door still.
He nuzzled in Yosuke’s neck, having to crane upwards to do so, because Yosuke was now slightly taller than him.
Miwa had to try, Yousuke always had to be happy, and Miwa always had to be reserved. Too Miwa, that's what he depended on. He depended on Yousuke and his joyful attitude… It’s just… how it was, and Miwa wanted it to stay that way.
Maybe he was a creature of habit… maybe he just loved him to much to let him go.
Yousuke stiffened.
What?
Miwa relished there for as long as he could, finally having given into the feelings he was so ashamed about. Eventually, Miwa pulled away, and looked Yousuke in the eye for a brief moment.
“Are you kidding me?” Yosuke whispered. Miwa shook his head, before Yosuke pulled him in again. Arms wrapped around his waist.
His grip was strong, and Miwa tilted his head forwards, the perfect angle, and he felt Sasuke's forehead touch his own. It was hazy, and Miwa didn’t give a shit whether or not this was a dream or not.
Miwa's arms clutching onto Yousuke for dear life, and Yousuke was speechless, Where Miwa eventually was curled up into a vulnerable ball, snuggling into Yosuke's chest, Grabbing at the front of Yosuke's shirt Miwa cried into his friends collarbone. Yousuke brought up his knees a put his arms around Miwa. Miwa was still shaking, but Yousuke was holding him as tightly as he could.
Neither of them had a care in the world beyond what was directly before them. Shortsighted you could call it, but you could also call it perfection.
Who even knew at this point?
The room was filled with Miwa's sobs with grew more and more quiet as time went on. Yousuke just held on as tightly as he could, caught up in this moment that he had been dreaming of. To anyone else, Shuji Miwa would be unrecognizable now. Vulnerable, whimpering, and for once, leaning and depending on somebody else. But to
Yousuke, this was the side that was bound to be in there.
Yousuke knew how hard things were for Miwa. How Miwa was sensitive, and always cared about what others were saying about him. Yousuke knew how Miwa was always thinking he wasn't good enough, and Yousuke knew Miwa was far from perfect. But even to Yousuke, this was still an uncommon occurrence. Yousuke was always ready to help in any way he could, but even though he knew that Miwa was due to snap any day from then, it had been a long time.
It was heart wrenching, yes, but also good for Miwa to let go every now and again. It was healthy to allow yourself to be vulnerable, that’s what it meant to be human, really.
He was not ready for how much it hurt him to see Miwa like this.
Yousuke eventually reached up and began to slowly run his fingers down the back of Miwa's head, feeling his soft hair helped Yousuke relax.
"Shh... It's gonna be ok..." Yousuke told Miwa quietly.
"We don't know all the details, I'm sure Border will still be here..."
Miwa's trembling was slowly fading.
"I promise you, now that we're together, everything will be just fine."
…
…
…
“I know…”
“Come again?”
“You’re right… it will be fine… I guess I was just… so scared.”
“I’m right here, you don’t have to be scared. I promise you, the forcefield won’t last very long… some invader will find a way to penetrate it, I promise you… but we should
be glad, because there will be less casualties this way.”
“I know… but Still… It’s just… a little hard to swallow.”
“What, and this whole ‘I love you thing’ Isn’t?”
“I mean… I was kinda hoping this would be true… I guess I dreamed of it so often… it didn’t seem as farfetched as it was.”
“You’re not the only one…”
“I know.”
“You’re not alone, either.”
“I know…”