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Driver should have left a long time ago. He shouldn’t have even stayed long enough to meet Lars or know his name or any of the other things he thought he swore off. He put everyone he ever met in danger. Driver was a walking time bomb — at some point something was going to go wrong, horribly, horribly wrong and there was nothing he could do about it. Well, there was something he could do, and that was to leave.
Every single time he thought about doing it, he backed out. Driver even got as far as planning out when and how he’d leave but then Lars had asked if Driver would come down to the lake with him, and he folded like a leaf. It was pitiful, really it was. Lars was such a good person. Inevitably Driver would end up ruining him just like he’d ruined Irene. She hadn’t deserved that, and Lars didn’t deserve it either.
But he didn’t want to leave, not really. Living with Lars was such a simple thing, and that was part of the reason it was so good. Driver didn’t know the last time he’d felt so at peace, if there had ever been a time when that was the case. Even when he was with Irene, as much as he had loved her, there was a tense air that surrounded him since they stayed in LA. Now he was far from that life, both physically and metaphorically.
Sure, he hadn’t told Lars everything about his past, but it wasn’t like Lars had told Driver everything either. They were still circling around each other in some ways, not so much in others.
They fell into a routine that Driver didn’t hate, and one that Lars adored. Driver learned to love it too. They had specific chores — there were certain ones neither could stand but the other was fine with. Driver would fold laundry as he watched Lars chop wood, not even pretending he wasn’t staring anymore. It wasn’t so much that they needed wood for the cold weather, more so that both men enjoyed sitting around the fire pit. The smoke was a comforting scent to Driver, just like gasoline and axle grease was. Sometimes the smoke clung to Lars’ layers, and Driver soaked in the scent for hours after. Lars liked the warmth and the sight of dancing flames; they’d sit outside for hours watching until the fire burnt down to its embers. It was one of Driver’s favorite parts about staying in Wisconsin.
The summer heat was coming to a close as September creeped in. He ended up staying the whole summer, something that wasn’t supposed to happen. Little Grace was growing, and she’d taken a liking to Driver — yet another reason why he should have left sooner. He wasn’t a good influence, especially not to children.
Lars paced around the house one evening after coming home from work. That wasn’t odd by itself, sometimes he needed to burn off extra energy and that was the only way to do it, but this didn’t seem like that kind of pacing.
Driver hung up his jacket by the front door. The heat made the jacket impractical, but just like Lars he enjoyed the extra layer. It was a way to protect himself from the dangerous world around him. “Hey.”
Lars looked up from the floor as soon as the word fell from Driver’s mouth. “Oh, hello, you’re back.”
Driver gave a soft smile. “It’s 5:45.” The same time he came home everyday. The drive over wasn’t very long, but he enjoyed taking a bit of time to himself after his shift to decompress. Driving made it easier. “You alright?”
Lars wiped his palms on his pants – not shorts, never shorts; Lars hated shorts almost as much as he hated t-shirts in public. “Yes, yes, I’m fine.”
“You’re pacing.”
“That’s fine.” Lars paused in front of Driver, a good foot or so in front of the man. “Um, I have a question.”
“Alright then.” Driver wasn’t nervous exactly, but he did feel unwell seeing how anxious Lars was getting. Lars getting nervous wasn’t anything out of the ordinary – it could mean anything from he wanted to see if Driver was alright with changing dinner plans to asking if the other would stay with him for the night. Both of which had happened in the past. He took a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water. “You know I’ll answer.” His answers weren’t always very long – oftentimes they were only a sentence or two – but he tried to answer as much as he possibly could. Lars tried to do the same for him.
Speaking of the man, he had begun to wring his hands, averting his gaze. “Usually the town puts on a little festival of sorts for Labor Day.”
“Is that so.” Usually the day passed like any other for Driver.
“Yeah,” Lars smiled and nodded to himself. “Would you want to come along with me this year? Karin and Gus are putting on a barbeque too after. It’s a family tradition.”
Driver’s heart jumped a bit at the mention of ‘family tradition.’ He never had any of those before, mostly because he didn’t have any family. At some point, he must have had someone. After all, it wasn’t as though he just popped into the world – but it had been so long since he’d had family. He got to play pretend for a little while with Irene and Benicio, but that hadn’t lasted long enough.
Lars was giving him more time.
Driver looked down into his glass. “I think that sounds great.”
***
Labor day approached quickly. Lars wasn’t lying when he said they town put on a festival for the holiday. The sorts of celebrations weren’t something Driver was totally accustomed to. He’d lived through Fourth of July with the town and that gave him a good taste of what to expect. Just because he knew what he was walking into didn’t mean he was totally adjusted to it though.
The day was warmer than the rest of the week had been. Driver didn’t mind it too much, though he knew Lars did. The man picked through his drawers over a dozen times trying to find something that he could wear that wouldn’t make him overheat. There wasn’t very much that he could wear to begin with in the heat though.
Driver stepped by his side, leaving a few inches of space between them since they were still navigating the whole touch thing and the heat made it even worse. “Do you have a thin longsleeve?”
Lars shrugged, his words dying on his tongue.
“Can I look?”
The man gave him a small nod.
Driver was careful as he looked through the other’s drawers. He knew that Lars had a very specific way of organizing his clothes, and the last thing he wanted to do was disrupt that order. Thankfully, Lars had already picked out a pair of pants, all that was needed was a shirt. Most of the man’s shirts were thicker since Lars used clothes as a defensive measure. That was great for every day that wasn’t meant to be spent in the September heat.
He picked one out and held it up for Lars to take in. “What about this one?” It was a linen shirt, a baby pink. The color looked great on Lars, though Driver was likely a biased party.
Lars looked it over for a minute or two. “Okay, that looks good. Thank you.” His smile reached his eyes, causing the corners to crinkle in a way that Driver found sickenly sweet. Just another reason why he found it so difficult to try to leave now. So many small things about Lars made his heart swell.
The pair changed into their respective outfits and then walked out of the house together in step. They took Driver’s car so that he could enjoy the act of driving, and Lars wouldn’t have to worry about anything else. The parking situation was terrible once they actually made it into town, and that made Driver even more assured in the decision.
His hands sweat a little under his leather gloves, but he was more accustomed to warm weather. LA had been rather hot after all. They stuck close to each other as they passed through the crowds of people milling about the streets as the parade set up. Driver wanted to imagine it was a sense of comfort for both of them. For him at least, it was nice to be close to someone he could truly say he knew. There were plenty of people around town that he knew off, people that he would say he was acquainted with, but Lars was the only person that he could say he really knew.
There was a flutter in his chest as they went to find a spot for the parade. He didn’t want to walk away now, didn’t want to give up on this event since it was clear Lars put a lot of thought into it. This was supposed to be something nice. Driver would force his way through this.
When the parade started, he already knew there was something wrong.
Driver couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually been to a parade, so he didn’t remember how they started. Apparently this was started with the veteran color guard. He caught a flash of the gun as one of the individuals lifted it towards the sky. Logically, Driver knew that neither he nor Lars were in any actual danger. The gun was aimed towards the sky; this was a predetermined event.
Still, the bang that echoed through the street caused white hot fear to course through Driver’s veins. All of a sudden he was back in LA. He was in that motel room hearing the shotgun go off. He could see the blood splattered across the carpet, the walls, the ceiling. It was a horrific sight.
The second bang made his hands clasp over his ears. Driver wanted it to be over. The parade had only just started, there were cheers from the rest of the townspeople, but Driver couldn’t react the same way. God, he was a mess.
His breath quickened, heart raced. Millisecond by millisecond he knew he was working himself closer to a full blown panic attack. Driver didn’t want to look so weak in front of Lars, like someone who couldn’t control themselves.
“Casey? Casey?” A low whine rose in the back of Driver’s throat – what a pitiful sound.
“Okay, you’re okay.” Lars sounded like he was trying to convince himself of the fact as well. “Let’s get you out of the crowd.”
Out of the crowd. Away from the parade. Far from the sound of gunfire. They ended up back at the car, something that Driver wasn’t all that aware of. One moment he was under the sweltering September sun, the next he was in the passenger’s seat with his hands pressed roughly against his knees.
“Just breathe. All you have to do is breathe.” Lars guided him through the exercises the man learned from Dagmar – Driver met her once or twice, the only competent doctor he’d ever spoken with. Her exercises worked, or maybe it was just because Lars was the one guiding him through it. Either way, Driver was able to pull in deep breaths and get his brain back in working order.
He looked out of the windshield, the rest of the world muffled from the inside of the car. “You’re going to miss the parade.”
Lars poked Driver’s hand with his pinky, the smallest of touches, but that didn’t matter. Touch was touch, it was even more heartwarming when it came from Lars. “Parades can be a lot.” His brow furrowed. “I’m not the biggest fan of them myself. Besides,” he gestured to the windshield, “we can see enough from here.” There was a small sliver through the other cars and buildings where the two could make out the parade passing by. It was still within earshot, but not nearly as deafening as it’d previously been.
They sat, side by side in the car, watching as the parade went by, the volume a level they could both handle. Driver sighed. Yeah, he wasn’t leaving Wisconsin or Lars.