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Lily sat on the swing watching the party from the edge of it. Just like she always did at some point. She saw Derek coming over and he said to one of the party goers that he was going to sit on the swing set. Lily looked up at him but quickly looked away. He always made her nervous and then his girlfriend was still there and Lily’s heart broke a little each time they did something couplely.
“Hey Lily.” He said quietly. She smiled and hummed a hello back to him. “How are you?”
“I’m doing better than shitty but worse than okay.” She replied.
“Oh I see. Is everything okay?” They were swaying gently on the swings.
“Define ‘okay’. ‘Cause it may not be.” They chuckled lightly. “But in all seriousness. I’m just fighting through some mental stuff and it gets hard to think straight sometimes.” Lily scuffed her shoes on the ground below her.
“Talking things out can sometimes help.” Derek suggested. Lily smiled; she looked up to see him looking at her with concern in his eyes. Lily’s heart dropped a little. She knew that as soon as she told him the reasoning behind her shy and quiet demeanor he’d be gone forever. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes at the thought.
“I can’t. I can’t say anything because I know as soon as I do I wouldn’t be seen the same by you. And you have been the only person I know who is consistent. With most of my friends I find myself getting frustrated with them at random times. But not with you or the other, well now graduates that I know. And I can’t lose that.” Lily’s words faded away as the first tear made its way down her face.
“Do you honestly think that there is something you can say to me that would make me not want to be friends with you? And if something is bothering you so much that you end up like this? Then I’d rather you tell me.” He brought his thumb up to her face and wiped the tear from it. Lily glanced up at Derek’s girlfriend sitting at the table not too far from where they were. “Tell me please? I promise not to judge you, make fun of you, or leave.” Derek emphasized the last part. Lily took a shaky breath.
“I have depression and seeing people be couplely makes it act up sometimes. Even more so when I like the guy in the relationship. And it sometimes acts up just randomly when I’m at a group event. My movements tend to go unnoticed and I can slip away from the group with ease. Because I’m not interesting so people tend to not bother with me-“
“You are too interesting! And Audrey and I don’t like make it spike do we?” Derek cut in.
“It really doesn’t matter. I mean don’t get me wrong. I’m happy for you two and for anyone else. I guess I just get envious and then that turns to self-hatred. And you really don’t care and I’m just rambling.”
“Of course I care! How would I not? You are my friend and I give a shit about my friends.” He said.
“If that were true then you’d be driven mad based on how many friends you have.” Lily could hear how deflated she sounded.
“I don’t really have that many friends. I have people that I know and don’t mind being around. But then I have a smaller group of people that I really consider friends. And you’re in that group.” Derek took Lily’s hand in his and squeezed. “I’m not blind. I can tell when you’re unhappy and it’s not just you being tired. I can see when you’re struggling with something. I’ve been hoping that you’d tell me one of these days but I didn’t want to push you.” Lily felt an unwanted sob escape her lips. She stood quickly and dropped Derek’s hand in the process.
“I need to…I don’t know…I just need to walk.” Lily could barely speak while holding back the sobs and the tears.
“Well you aren’t going alone.” Derek stood with her but Lily shook her head.
“I can’t let you see me breaking like this. It’s…”
“Weak? Trust me Lily I’m not going to make fun of you okay? I won’t even say anything if you don’t want me to.” Lily hesitated but she couldn’t wait any longer. So she walked to the trees. Derek followed silently just as he said he would be.
Lily wasn’t sure where she was going. All she knew was that she was getting scratched on her calves and face. She didn’t take much notice. She walked to an edge of a drop off. There she sat down on a log. It wasn’t the sturdiest but it worked. Derek sat next to her without a word and that’s when Lily realized that she missed his voice.
“Talk to me.” She whispered.
“What?”
“I just need to hear you talk.” Derek paused and studied her face.
“I don’t know what to talk about.” He said at first. Lily shrugged. “Okay. Um…”
“Talk about yourself.” Lily took his hand in hers; it made her feel grounded. Derek chuckled.
“I’m not that interesting.” Lily gave a small smile. Derek moved closer to her and put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him. Lily welcomed the comfort the gesture brought. “My name is Derek and I like to think that I’m a nice person…” Derek continued to talk about himself as Lily became relaxed and her depression spike was leveled out. She isn’t sure how long they stayed on the log but eventually people came looking for them. Derek easily covered that Lily just needed to talk about something and they hadn’t realized how far they’d gone.
Later that night when Derek was leaving he engulfed Lily into a hug and whispered in her ear, ‘I love you; be safe’. Lily smiled and nodded. He kissed her forehead in a gesture of comfort. Lily wasn’t sad to see him walk away this time. She knew that telling him how she was really feeling was the best thing she’d done. And she knew that he wouldn’t leave because she has depression.