Chapter Text
For what was possible the 60th time in five minutes Erik paced the same route through his study room. It had been about ten days since she had spoken these faithful words, but they still had the same impact they'd had back then:
"Erik, next Friday is my first night off in days and it marks exactly a month since we've married. What do you think? Shall we have a romantic evening in and perhaps ... more ...?"
MORE!!
She had said it so coyly, but the naughty look on her face and the sparkling mischief in her eyes had told him enough ... More than enough.
The moment the issue was raised Erik had felt the room close in on him; he was not ready!! Not ready at all!!
Ever since their wedding Erik had feared that the day would come. The day where Christine would want "more". The day where she wished their "union would be consumed". It was his duty, of course it was, a husband had a duty to his wife. But ... even being close and talking to a person, especially his angel, was still so new and strange it would overwhelm him at times. The smallest, lightest touch would have his mind and heart racing. How on earth would he survive ... "relations"?
Within seconds the obsession had started, as did the fear that came with it. His mind began going round and round, asking the same questions over and over: What did she expect of him? Did she think he'd be experienced? But how could she? She knew he'd never been touched with kindness, so surely she'd realise that he had never been involved with anyone ... intimately.
His mind didn't stop to let him breathe, not for a single second and as the day came closer the tension became overwhelming.
Soon Erik couldn’t eat anymore, his throat was closed up and his stomach aching. To avoid Christine noticing anything was amiss, Erik used his slight of hand to magic food away from his plate into a secret pocket inside his jacket. Then he would empty the content of his pocket into a box inside his study that he would throw out once all this was over.
With his mind constantly tormenting him Erik found he couldn’t sleep either. Every night he tried, begging for rest, but it wouldn't come. After an hour or two of silent torment he would leave his coffin to quietly slip into his study room, using the hours to read up and make notes on all there was to know on ... having relations ....
The things he read in books on the matter were very graphic and had Erik shaking: how could he possibly touch Christine like that? How could he let her touch him like that? Poor Christine touching his monstrous body.
Body!!
Suddenly it dawned on him: Christine would see his body!! His wretched naked body!! He would have to show her all he had still kept hidden from her. A shudder went through him as he thought about it: he wore these expensive, tailored suits for a reason, even when all alone. What if he horrified her all over again? What if this would be too much for her?!!
Did she even realise what she was offering? Then he realised that he was expected to physically enter her most sacred place with his most cursed body part and felt like throwing up.
In a vain attempt at self soothing Erik decided to write down all his fears in a journal. Surely emptying his mind on paper, letting it all out, would make him feel better? But no matter how much he wrote, night after night, his mind did not quiet down. In fact, after four nights passed in the same manner, Erik was pretty much convinced that things were getting worse.
Then Thursday night came, and Erik felt like he could burst from the dread that overwhelmed him: now it was only a few hours till the faithful day dawned. For a long time he paced his study, until his legs caved underneath the strain. Then he just sat frozen at his desk, staring into nothing.
"Erik, Where are you? Breakfast is ready!!"
With a shock Erik jolted from his stupor. Breakfast? That meant it was morning. That meant it had been morning for quite some time. That meant that the moment was even closer than he feared.
All but crawling from his study that morning, Erik felt utterly miserable and was shivering with cold.
Before leaving the hallway, Erik quietly composed himself and straightened his clothes. Then he softly peeked around the kitchen door to see Christine making his favourite breakfast: baked eggs on toast. Under other circumstances that would have made his day. But now it just made him sad to know that there was yet another lovely meal Christine had made him that he would not be eating. Seeing her smile as she happily prepared a spread for him almost made him burst into tears. It also made him more determined to do his marital duties for her.
Breakfast itself was even more difficult than it had been in the past few days. Feeling rather dazed Erik couldn’t focus well enough on the slight of hand required to magic away pieces of egg on toast. Not wanting to waste vital energy on something so trivial, Erik stated he wasn't feeling very hungry today after making two pieces disappear into his pocket. It hurt seeing Christine’s face fall after his statement.
As the day progressed, Erik started to feel more and more unwell. The sleepless nights started taking its toll and the cold never left him. Shivering as he leaned back into his comfortable chair in a vain attempt to calm down Erik wished he could wrap himself into a blanket. But he knew that it would make Christine aware that something was wrong with him if he did. With a sigh he closed his eyes for a moment.
"You're so quiet Erik, is everything alright?"
A hand on his shoulder followed by Christine’s voice made Erik shoot up.
"Ah ... I ..." Erik stammered, confused why Christine seemed to be looking so apologetic.
"Oh, I'm sorry sweetheart, I didn't know you had fallen asleep." Christine said kindly as she rubbed his shoulder.
Erik blinked. Had he fallen asleep? Probably. After the week he had it really wasn't surprising. If only it could have been longer than a few minutes. But if his plan was to not make Christine aware he wasn't feeling well, nodding off wasn't a great start.
"Oh, that's alright my angel." Erik forced a smile with great difficulty. "I was ... I wasn't really sleeping. I was just daydreaming about ... about ... to... to ...night."
Despite the chuckle he forced out sounding more like a cry for help, a smile broke on Christine’s face at his words.
"Yes, yes!! I'm very excited!!" Erik continued, feeling a bit braver now Christine seemed to be falling for his ruse.
Christine chuckled as she sat herself on his lap, her very closeness immediately overwhelming Erik's poor weary body near breaking point.
"Oh, so am I." Christine beamed. "I have bought something especially for the occasion." What the something was Erik could barely understand, as he had to use the few shreds of willpower he still possessed to stop himself from shaking and ... to keep breathing.
"Oh, it will be so wonderful!!" Christine sighed. "I've been feeling so very elated all day!!"
With that she jumped of his lap, clearly feeling too excited to sit quietly for too long.
"Indeed." Erik said, still forcing himself to smile. "So am I, my dearest. I think that is why I haven't been feeling very hungry today." Quick thinking! He praised himself, this would probably save him from having to magic away another dinner. If only tonight was over, maybe then he could enjoy food again.
For a moment Christine considered his words, then turned to him.
"Does that mean you don't want dinner tonight? That's alright. I could keep it till tomorrow. Though I wouldn't mind a quick snack myself."
No dinner? Good.
"I'm good, angel." Erik nodded as he looked up at her. "I might have a cup of tea. But by all means, you have whatever you like. I am not having you go hungry on my account."
Suddenly Christine stepped forward and took off his mask, putting a kiss on his forehead.
"You're sweet." She murmured against his skin. "Come, let's go to the kitchen and then ... to bed.
A shiver went through Erik: It was happening!! What had he done!! How stupid of him, no dinner meant going to bed sooner!!
Slowly getting up from his chair Erik suddenly felt strangely weakened as an unexpected dizzy spell overtook him and his legs almost gave way beneath him. They rather felt as if they were made of jelly.
From far away he heard Christine ask him if he was truly alright, saying that he looked tired.
Oh, he was so tired, too tired in fact for this. No, forget tired: he was dead on his feet and still buzzing with nerves for whatever was too come tonight.
Then he realised that he had not answered her question.
"I ... am ... I ..." He swallowed with difficulty, his tongue suddenly too big for his mouth. "I am well Christine." he finally forced out.
Christine furrowed her brow as she observed him.
"You've gone really pale." She offered, sounding worried.
Quickly Erik forced another smile and took his wife's hands in his.
"Angel, nothing is wrong. Let's go to the kitchen now."
As they made their way to the kitchen Erik internally berated himself: this wasn't going as well as he'd hoped. Why was his body betraying him like that?
No matter, no matter; Erik thought with all the conviction he could muster: Surely he would be revived the moment Christine was ready and came out of that bathroom, wearing what she had bought especially for tonight.
Snack and tea were made without incident, which meant they reached the bedroom far too soon for Erik's liking.
As Christine finished her snack and the tea was brewing Erik dressed into his comfortable pyjamas and robe, at his wife's request. Erik thought it silly that Christine would make a big to do about her appearance while he dressed for comfort. There was no need for her to work on her appearance. It should be him putting in the work.
On the other hand, the pyjamas were warm and so was the robe. The fabric was also soft and comforting and he needed all the comfort he could get.
Minutes later Erik was perching himself on the edge of the bed, his nerves shattered and sipped from the tea he had made: Chamomile, Valerian and honey. This would surely calm him ... hopefully.
"You just get comfy and rest Erik, I'll be back soon." he heard Christine say as she stepped into the bathroom.
Erik nodded tensely. Maybe he should rest. He hadn't rested in days, the tension had stopped him from feeling calm for even a second. Didn't the books say relations would be better if both partners were calm? How stupid of him to be anxious and tired!! He needed to make amends.
Yes, as he waited he would rest. And if the tea did it's work as he hoped it would, he'd feel better when the moment came. Oh, how he hoped he'd feel better, if only for his dear Christine.
As he pondered this, Erik carefully stroked the bed he was sitting on. How soft a real bed was, soothing. His back ached, he had not laid down in days ... Christine said she'd be a while ... Maybe he should lay down for a few minutes. Under the blanket, he was cold. Freezing cold.
Soon Erik was cocooned beneath the blankets and finally laying down. This was a good idea, he was certain. It was wise to get as comfortable and rested as he could be before the most important moment of his life.
Then there was silence as the comfort of the bed and the calming tea, combined with utter exhaustion finally made him feel calm for the first time in days. Soon he felt as if he were boneless and floating on clouds.
The lights in the room were soft. He liked that, he hated anything too bright. They kept getting dimmer ... or was it that his eyelids were getting heavier? Christine would be here soon. He would just close them for a minute ... rest his eyes so he'd be refreshed once she was there. Yes, a good idea. Erik didn't need much sleep, just resting his eyes was all he needed. ... Finally he was warm ... calm ... Christine ... would be ... so ... so pleased with him ... That he had rested and ...
Had he nodded off for a second? No, no, he wouldn't do that. Resting, just resting ... He would be awake and refreshed the moment Christine came in. He would ... open his eyes ... His heavy ... heavy eyes ... He would ... Then he would sit ... and ...
Snoring, was he snoring?
Stay awake!! He must stay awake!!
He must ... must!!
So sleepy ...
No sleeping!! Just rest!! He couldn’t fall asleep!! Christine, he shouldn't disappoint Chri ... Chri ...
Think, brain must think ...
But his poor broken brain couldn't think anymore. Days of endless anxious worrying without a single moment of reprieve had worn it out. All every fiber of his body craved for was ... sleep. He hadn't slept in so long ... But he couldn’t sleep now, no matter how much his body ... how much he wanted to ...
Or ... perhaps ...?
Five minutes ...!!
Just five minutes.
Five minutes of sleep ... would be harmless, would they not? He ... he'd be even better rested, right? Then ...!! Then he could open his eyes again ... and please Christine!!
Five minutes!! Oh, he could weep at the thought. Five full minutes of sleep would surely be enough to revive him. Christine would never notice. He would wake up the moment she came in, ready and excited!!
Slower, ever slower Erik's disjointed thoughts came ...
Rested ...
Rest ...
Desperate ...
... for ...
... rest ...
Until all that was left was:
Sleep ...
Just five minutes ...
Then he would think ... think of everything that was expected of him, the things a man should do ... Do ... to ... the woman ... woman ... he ... lo ...
And then ... the lights truly went out. For far longer than five minutes ...
When Christine finally appeared from the bathroom fifteen minutes later, she wasn't greeted by a passionate husband, overwhelmed with desire at the sight of her plunging nightgown and intricate hairdo.
Instead she found her utterly exhausted Erik snoring loudly on the bed.
For a moment she shook him and called his name. But she soon realised the man was out cold and dead to the world. He didn’t even react when she sang. Well ... in some ways he did; the tense expression on his face became slack and peaceful while he started snoring louder and drooling a little. Which surprisingly didn't annoy her as much as it should. It was testament to how soothing her voice was to her husband. Though this wasn't exactly helpful at that moment. As she gazed at her wretched husband Christine had to accept that all her work had been in vain.
"I can't blame you, can I ..." She sighed. She had known something was off the moment his mask came off: he had looked beyond fatigued and haggard.
As she gazed at him her heart broke a little: her poor Erik looked as if he hadn't rested in days. Christine shook her head sadly. The man looked so utterly drained, she didn't have the heart to try waking him anymore. And even if she did succeed, this wasn't the way their first time should be. Erik needed to feel good and as healthy as his poor body could be. Oh, she should have just called everything off the moment she noticed he wasn't well. Erik never told her when he was feeling ill to spare her, and she often forgot this.
"What on earth have you been up to, sweetheart." She asked softly as she stroked his hair.
Then her gaze met the cup of tea on the nightstand and her memory went over all the clues that might tell her what could possibly be wrong with him. Erik had not wanted dinner, just a cup of tea. That should have told her enough. Who wants "tea" on a romantic night?
A familiar smell came from the cup when she picked it up and Christine frowned. In fact: who needed Valerian to calm themselves unless the person is not at all well or ready? A feeling of dread started coming over her; obviously she had missed something very important.
Deciding she would leave Erik to catch up with the sleep he clearly desperately needed, Christine went to his study in the hopes of finding out what had been occupying her husband's mind these last few days.