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...
In Zanka's whole life, he was taught to avoid anything slightly resembling weakness. He learned to avoid taking breaks, because it was a weakness. He learned to not ask for help, because it was a weakness. He learned not to let his hurt show, because it was a weakness. Most important of all, he was taught that getting a wound weakens him, and showing any form of hurt makes him pathetic, no less than a dog. Weak.
Back during his hellguard days, such teachings were part of his everyday life. He followed them like a religion, not once recoiling when others did, not once falling back unless told.
However, some rules were always bound to be broken. Zanka remembered that day clear as ever, in the couryard was his sister, and his brother. In kyouka’s hand was a pistol, aimed right at him, point and centre.
...
“Zanka. Startin’ today, you will be learning how ta Dodge bullets.”
She cocked the gun, before aiming it at him once again, her face revealing nothing. Goka as always, sat on the sidelines. However, Zanka could see the slight smidge of worry on his features. He though that maybe Goka would help. Maybe Goka would act like a brother for once.
Kyouka, however, had eyes sharp as a hawk. Her eyes narrowed at Goka, those deep, horrifying blue eyes that made Zanka tremble all over, rendering him weak. Goka stiffened almost immediately, his face morphing from worry to a stone cold expression, making Kyouka nod and turn back to Zanka once more.
“Get in position. Grab yer staff. You know the consequences.”
For the first time in his whole life, he felt horrifed, and he let it show. He was horrified of his sister, of the bullets. Rendering him a weak little boy once again. And Kyouka hated it.
Gun shots flew through the air, zanka tried his absolute best to avoid them, however a bullet had lodged itself in his thigh, making him collapse, making him weak.
Kyouka lowered her gun. She didn't the approach, she left. “let this be a lesson, zanka. Weakness means you'll be left behind, means you'll be dead weight. Tend to your wounds yourself. No hellguard deserves to be coddled, especially a Nijiku.”
...
The events of that day haunted him like no other. Following him throughout his adolescence, throughout his life.
Zanka was no longer a hellguard trainee, he was a cleaner now, and yet despite that, teachings from his past never left him. Always whispering at the back of his mind, how he'd always dissapoint those he loved with his mediocrity. How his weakness would always hold him back.
In the cleaners he was allowed to get hurt with no judgement. He was allowed to get hurt without being left behind, instead the cleaners would happily carry him on their back to heal him, and they always did. It felt surreal being helped up instead of being left on the ground, expected to do it himself.
But even then, he felt ashamed. However, that mentality of his slowly started to either away when he first met her, Eishia Stilza.
He remembered that day clear as ever. It was the first time he got wounded on a clean up job, and he felt horrible for burdening the cleaners....
...
“Seriously, Zanka, it's fine! Youre hurt!” Enjin reassured him, he tried to coax Zanka numerous times into visiting the infirmary, however he was stubborn as a mule.
“I told you, Enjin, I can deal with my wounds myself, it isn't that big a deal...”
Actually, it was. Zanka’s leg was stabbed with debris, and he faced chances of infection if not treated immediately.
“Hey, dont make me drag you by the collar myself, Zan!”
Zanka grumbled, but in the end, he relented. He got up, only to sit back down again because of his wound.
“Ow—!” “Woah, easy there kid. Cmon, let me help.”
Zanka felt utterly embarrassed having to be held up like this, but what else could he do? He couldn't walk. He was deadweight.
“Look on the bright side, newbie! Shes your age, you two might just get along. In fact, she and Riyo are besties already!”
Enjin said in a rather chipper tone, no doubt trying to cheer him up.
“where is Riyo, anyways...? Havent seen her since earlier... ” zanka questioned, raising an eyebrow.
“Shes on a clean up job, no worries. She’ll be back in a few.” Enjin replied before yelling out how they had arrived at their destination. “Hey! We’re here!”
Enjin opened the door while still holding Zanka up with his other arm. “Meet Eishia Stilza, healer of the cleaners! And Eishia, meeting our newest recruit, Zanka Nijiku!”
Zanka took a double take upon seeing the girl. This Eishia lady was a sight to behold. Soft blonde hair that cascaded down her shoulders, soft features, her eyes had a rather peculiar hot pink hue that he found stunning, she seemed rather timid and shy, hands fiddling with her gloves.
“H-hello... It's nice to meet you, Zanka. Could you put him on the bed, please? So I could examine the wound?” Eishia greeted them softly, the girl was struggling to even remain eye contact, however tried her best.
He found that even her voice was pretty. Soft and melodious, he could listen all day.
“Yeah, sure! Here you go, little lady.” enjin guided zanka to one of the beds, making him sit on it, legs on the bed as well to give Eishia a full view.
“Ill try to be as gentle as I can, okay?... It might hurt a little when I pull out the debris... ” Eishia warned, already getting her supplies.
“... Yeah, sure, I dont mind that.” zanka replied mindlessly, zoned out.
Eishia began her treatment, and Zanka was left mesmerized at how she worked. She did a total 360, from a timid girl to a medical professional in a few seconds. Expertly taking out every part of trash lodged into his skin, mumbling apologies when he winced. Cleaning and disinfecting his wounds like second nature... It was mesmerizing for him.
Enjin peeked over at Zanka’s face, and grinned. “oh I JUST remembered that I have to go pick up Riyo, ahaha! Eish, you wouldn't mind if I left you two here, yeah?”
“No worries, Enjin... Ive got it covered.” eishia replied, short and curt. Far too focused on tending to Zanka.
Enjin grinned even more, quickly striding over to the door “Well that's that, see you two later, bye Zanka, and Eishia!”
Zanka hummed mindlessly, still stuck in a somewhat trance, and Eishia mumbled a quick goodbye. When Enjin shut the door.
They pair was left in a comfortable silence. Neither of them were talking, and neither of them WANTED to talk. It was just a mechanical repeat of taking out debris, disinfection, repeat. Taking our debris, disinfection, repeat. Of course, all while Zanka wordlessy gazed at the healer.
It wasn't until Eishia slightly pursed her lips, that did he realize he was staring.
“Ah, sorry for staring... It’s just that uh, it's my first time seeing someone my age be a professional medi— healer already....” zanka said in the friendliest tone he could muster, a small awkward smile on his lips. However, his statement only made her slightly flush.
“I didn't just make it worse, did I..?” he asked, slightly dreading the answer.
Eishia looked up, looking slightly panicked as she shook her head no and made a cross sign with her arms. “Oh, nono! No, not at all..! It's just that I don't get praised often for doing my job.”
Zanka sighed in relief from that, however tried his best not to make it obvious. “ah, well... Like I said, it’s my first time seeing someone my age be a proper healer already, couldnt help but stare.”
Complete lie. That was a complete lie. Zanka, throughout his hellguard trainee days, had seen numerous girls and boys train to be medics. However, it wasn't that he lied because he had no excuse for his staring, it was more so she herself caught his attention.
She was so delightfully different from the healers, and medics back at the hellguard, and not to mention that she was... Well, herself. That alone made Zanka want to look at her for the rest of his life, despite having not the slightest idea, or notion of why so.
“but I will stop if youre uncomfortable.” zanka offered sheepishly, God, he felt like a teenage boy. (He is.)
“ah, no need..!!! It's normal for patients to want to look at the process.” she reasurred, finally removing the last piece of debris embedded on his wound.
And for the first time that entire visit, she made eyecontact with him. Actual eyecontact. Not a fleeting look, but it held on for quite some time.
She was gorgeous. Zanka repeated that word over and over inside his head when her pink eyes stared at his own baby blues. Unfortunately for him, Eishia really was shy, and averted her gaze after a while with a newly reddened face.
However, even then, there wasn’t the slightest bit of awkwardness between the two. Engaging in small talk, how he got the wound, their day.
“okay, er.. Zanka, i'm going to heal you eith my vital instrument now. Youll feel a slight shock... It won't hurt, but you might get surprised s little.”
Wait, shock?
“wait, what do you mean by—”
ZZZAAAPP.
...
Without him even noticing, he had already plugged in her vital instrument, and shocked him. True to her words, it didn't hurt one bit... But, boy was he shook. Not only that, but his hair was standing up from the electricity.
“dont worry about your hair, itll come down after a few hours... If it doesn't, a shower will help.” zanka was bought back to his senses when Eishia spoke, he shook himself awake, as if the electricity hadnt done enough already.
“well, youre free to go now unless you need some time to rest” Eishia said, standing back when he sat up.
Zanka tested his leg, it didn't hurt, and it was as if he had no injury at all. He smiled softly at that. Not once had he ever met a healer as amazing as Eishia, so kind too, carrying genuine worry for her patients.
Eishia perked up a bit seeing Zanka’s small smile, finally feeling proud of herself for doing it perfectly.
When she smiled, Zanka could swear he caught a glimpse of heaven itself.
He basked in the moment. His face softening imperceptively...
“Ah, well... If that's the case, then I should—”
“oh zaaannnkkkaa!! We’re backkk~!” Enjin called out in a singsong voice, with him was Riyo, who looked like she was excited to see Eisha.
“Eisha! Guess wha—...” Riyo paused, doing a double take when she saw Eisha and Zanka. Her shocked face morphed into a huge grin.
“Oh?lookie here, Enjin! Aweee~”
“Wha— riyo!!!!” zanka said out loud, Eishia was a bit red now, her face hidden behind her hands.
For the rest of the day, they were both teased relentlessly. It was a rather memorable day for Zanka. And yes despite this, he found himself utterly confused. He was quite popular back at the academy, receiving quite the amount of attention from the female population of the academy.
Zanka never paid any mind to the love confessions in his locker, the candies he'd find in his bag, or the confessions said out loud. He thought it was because he had rendered himself immune to any romantic advances.
But today, he learned that he wasnt immune to romance, it was just that he never found interest in any of the girls that approached him. None had rendered him as speechless and dumb as Eishia Stilza had, and even if this was a weakness in the eyes of others, he truly couldn't find himself caring.
He learned what it truly felt like when someone piqued his interest today, and it felt suffocating in a good way. Felt like a shock to the heart.
She had his attention, and he knew exactly why. Her professionalism, genuine care, and worry for patients like him, soft nimble hands that held his own when she shocked him— he knew exactly everything there was to like.
However, even then he knew that it was just their first time meeting, that he couldn't have found the love of his life instantaneously after having JUST joined the cleaners. Maybe it'd fade with time. Maybe.
....
Years later, he was now 17. It had been 3 years since that encounter with their resident healer. Despite the 1,095 days since then, not once has his “little” crush simmer down. He did great it hiding it though, the cleaners didn't know anything.
However, that meant he had no one but himself to confide in about it. His years as a cleaner taught him many things, but not once did his time as a cleaner give him any blueprints on love, if he could even call it that.
He always assumed itd fade after time, day after day he'd tell himself it will pass. It didn't. With each visit to the infirmary, he found himself looking forward to seeing the sweet healer known as Eishia, and nobody but himself knew about it.
Zanka resolved to think about it some other time. After all, he had been pining for years, would s few minutes of focusing on the gigantic trashbeast in front of him hurt?
Zanka skillfully evaded the trashbeast’s paw, launching himself off of a building, before hitting a devastating blow to the beast’s side, revealing its beautiful, shining glowing core. One last hit, and the beast the dismantled, dead.
Unfortunately for Zanka, he didn't pay any mind to the falling building, and ended up getting stabbed right through the shoulder by falling debris. A particularly sharp piece of debris pierced right through his shoulder, the other end sticking out right below his collarbone.
“Fuck...!!” he grunted out, tensing when the metal rod pierced right through him.
“Zanka!!” Gris yelled out from. Where he was, rushing to aid Zanka.
“Cmon, Zanka. Lets hurry on to the car so we can get you to Eishia quick.”
Eishia. He was going to Eishia.
...
After a hurried 15 minute drive, Zanka was escorted to the infirmary, where he was greeted by Eishia, who looked deathlu pale upon seeing the gravity of the situation.
“Zanka?! Oh, sphere above, what happened?”
She said, immediately getting him to sit down on a bed, examining the wound.
“I got stabbed by debris because I wasnt paying attention.” Zanka admitted, much to his embarrassment.
Eishia paid no mind to his embarassment and quickly began treatment. Soon enough, he couldnt feel anything on the area where he was stabbed, Eishia already put regional anesthetic on the area..
Eishia was completely focused on tending to the wound. Slowly, and carefully pulling out the rod.
During times like these Zanka would be mesmerized, staring at Eishia while she did her work. However this time, he couldn't help but feel ashamed. Not only was he the only one to get hurt today, but he had worried Eishia. Making such a wonderful lady fret over someone as mediocre as him.
A bitter feeling rose up in Zanka’s throught, as the old teachings from his hellguard days went rampant in his head. He was weak. So weak. Pathetic. Dead weight. Troubling a medic like this, who wss he to deserve treatment when he put this upon himself?
He quickly swallowed the lump in his throat as he pursed his lips.
He couldn't understand why despite three years of freedom, it felt as if he was trapping himself in the past. Years of being on his own, and yet old teachings never quit. The voice of his sister whispering at the back of his head about how dead weight gets left behind. He will get left behind.
As his thoughts deepened, and he spiralled further and further... He was woken out of his trance by Eishia, who looked postively worried.
Ah, he did it again.
“Zanka.. Are you okay? It's been 3 minutes since we finished...” zanka looked slightly bewildered, looking at his shoulder only to find it fully healed. Had he really zoned out for that long?? He didnt even feel the zap...
“ah, zanka, if you don't mind me asking... What were you thinking about? It's pretty obvious that its been troubling you whatever it is...”
Zanka was speechless for a second. Sphere above, he had spent majority of his time here probably ignoring Eishia, and yet she was still kind enough to ask him what troubled his mediocre self? Zanka could cry for joy right then and there.
Eishia, however, took it as a rejection. She looked a bit glum now and looked off to the side. “I-im sorry, maybe I shouldnt haveinquired, I was probably being intrusive and—”
“No, no it's okay. I was just lost in thought.” zanka interrupted with a small smile, making the girl sigh in relief.
“so then you'll...”
“if you promise me doctor patient confidentiality, of course.”
Eishia looked down right determined, he found it endearing.
“Yes! Of course! Not single soul will hear!”
Zanka chuckled at that, sitting up properly.
“well... I was just thinking about how I got hurt and how.... Weak... How weak it wss of me to do so.”
Zanka’s soft expression from earlier melted a bit. He looked almost sad. Eishia on the other hand, had her brows furrowed, as if she was in deep concentration.
“I was taught that almost everything I did was considered weak... Smiling, emotion, falling back, getting hurt... Couldn't help but carry that baggage till now.
And right now, i feel both weak and a burden for having worried you, and making you treat me when youre probably better off doing something else.”
There was a pause between them for a bit, before zanka started again.
“I-im sorry, I probably should have dumped that on you,—”
Before he could even get another word in, he felt arms wrap around him, his head pressed against Eishia’s shoulder.
Eisha was holding him in her arms. Eisha was holding him.
“... Sorry if this is sudden but.. You were upset and uh, when I'm upset, Auggie holds me like this and it makes me feel all better again.”
Zanka was speechless for a bit. Before his own arms went up to wrap around her frame, wordlessly allowing her to continue.
“... I don't think getting hurt means your weak. I think it means youre learning, you know... And youre not a burden. I'm always glad to treat you... Remember that, Zanka.”
Zanka was surprised. Eishia was usually timid, and stuttered. But when she held him in her arms like this, and spoke words of comfort. Her words carried a steong sense of certainty, like she had full faith in her words.
After a few moments, Eishia tried to pull away, but zanka didn't relent.
“no, no.... Stay.”
Despite not seeing her face, zanka knew she was probably blushing. With a soft Huff, Eisha pulled him in once again, staying like that.
“.... Maybe I shoukd confide in you more often, hm?” zanka drawled, his hands tracing circles on where he hugged her back.
Eishia laughed softly. “mmhm... Maybe you should. I wouldn't mind doing this. ”
Maybe being weak wasnt so bad after all. Especially if it means being held in the arms of his beloved. He'd choose to be weak the next billion lifetimes he'd have if it meant having Eishia hold him like this forever.
For once in his life, he was content. Content with Eishia. Content with himself. Weakness? Why not. The one time he showed complete total weakness in front of someone, he got held by the love of his life. By his sweet, sweet, beloved Eishia. Maybe it isn't so bad after all.