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Bill sat at one of the benches in camp, already halfway through his fourth beer. It was another day where he sat around doing nothing.
He leaned back in his seat, one large hand resting on his knee while the other wrapped around the neck of his bottle, covering that part of the glass completely. Sweat beaded on his brow, the warm sun beating down on him. It didn't seem to be treating anyone else any better, a lot of the gang slacking off (some more than usual).
Pearson was already sat down by the fire, the girls were sitting and chatting, even Arthur was lounging around despite barely being at camp, and Kieran was with the horses. As usual.
Kieran stood by Brown Jack: Bill's horse, brushing his coat and feeding him sugar cubes. He saw him laugh when the animal nipped at him, softly pushing away it's muzzle with a harmless shove, his eyes glittering as he looked at the animal, thin hair swaying in the gentle breeze while he wiped the sweat from his face. He moved simply, somehow making an unfamiliar feeling flutter in Bill's chest, the warmth of the other man's smile more comforting than any sun could be. Kieran was so sweet, so kind to people. He had been shunned, beaten, starved, and still he fought to gain the gang's favour. That's what Bill loved about him, he was gentle.
But Bill wasn't gentle. He was rude, lazy, stupid, everyone knew it. Even him. He barely helped around at camp, usually just sitting and drinking. Kieran was patient, Bill had a short temper. Kieran was friendly, Bill was aggressive. Kieran was a man, Bill was…a man as well.
As much as he ached for the other man, he was disgusted by himself all the same. He wasn't much of a catch in the first place, but these thoughts only made it harder for him to enjoy himself. Those thoughts were wrong for him, the way he thought about Kieran was wrong. It made him feel creepy, the feeling of resentment boiling in his stomach. It pained him to know he would never get what he wanted.
Mary-Beth soon tottered into view, sitting down next to Kieran. She'd been teaching the man how to read -- getting closer to him. It made Bill seethe with envy. It was unfair that such a sweet soul such as Mary-Beth's could bring so much joy to Kieran, like they were made for each other.
But he wanted Kieran to be happy. Even if he had been nothing but cruel to him, Bill still wanted to see him be loved by someone, even if he couldn't do it. However, just watching the two talk made Bill jealous, swallowing a lump in his throat as he glared at them.
He'd been staring again Bill realised, snapping his head away from the pair to look down into his bottle, tipping his head back with the drink to his lips. The sky began to blur as his eyes started to glisten, making Bill dart from his seat and into the woods. The least he could do is be man enough to keep his composure.
Trudging forward, he reached a spot far enough from camp so nobody could hear him, resting back against a tree. Tears filled his eyes completely now, his chest heaving with every stuttered breath as he sobbed, wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his flannel the second the tears fell.
How pathetic was he to cry over a man that could never love him? An O'Driscoll of all people. He was crazy, a creep, a fool. It was stupid to spiral from something so useless, but naturally as a useless man, he'd cry.
His silent sniveling was interrupted by the quiet crunching of the underbrush as Javier approached, just barely catching Bill's attention. He quickly wiped his eyes, face still puffy and nose still red.
"You okay there, buddy?" asked Javier, one hand on his hip while the other held his gun. He was on guard duty, but it was better Javier caught him than anyone else. Despite being quite close with the man, he didn't seem to be mocking him for once, unless Bill didn't realise.
"Go away." Bill tried to sound intimidating,the tremble in his voice causing him to sound more pathetic than anything. He hid his face from the other man, tears still threatening to spill over. Bill was a tough man, it was uncharacteristic for him to cry at all, Javier of all people knew that. But it was better to leave him be if he didn't want to talk.
"Whatever you say." Javier replied with a sigh, continuing along the route he had started on. Bill felt him look back at him while he sauntered away, thankful that he left him alone instead of bothering him about whatever he was crying about. He slumped against the tree facing his back, back hunched as he curled in on himself. It was no use crying over something he couldn't change, but still his eyes watered and his heart ached. It ached for Kieran.