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Stanley didn’t get to see his dad much after the divorce, but when he did, his father always made sure to take him on a hunting trip. It was thanks to one of those trips that he met Xeno. See, he wasn’t used to friendships lasting long because he moved so much and so he never really bothered to try, but Xeno seemed different. He liked that. Even if he didn’t really get the science behind it, he was still in awe at the various experiments that the other had carried out.
It’s been about a year since he met the other boy, but it already felt like he’d known him for entire lifetimes.
The best part about being around Xeno was that they were alone, and that meant it was quiet. That peace let Stanley appreciate Xeno’s company. Peace was a foreign concept to him.
That leads us to the worst part about being around Xeno: the empty space between each meeting. His parents were strict on his curfew, so he couldn’t stay out for long. There wasn’t a worse feeling than the way Stan’s heart would sink at the sound of Xeno’s phone ringing, indicating he’d have to go home.
Today was, of course, no exception. They were in the middle of making some adjustments to the rail gun after the armature had shown signs of damage, but Stanley wasn’t paying attention to that. He just liked hearing Xeno talk. He could listen to him talk for hours and he wouldn’t get bored. There’s this slight glint in his eyes that’s only ever present when asked about his interests, that innocent little gleam being more valuable than diamonds, and having the privilege of seeing it was more important than the world itself.
So when that earsplitting tone ripped through their little moment, he couldn’t feel more dejected.
“Ah- well that’s a shame. I thought we could get this done by tonight.”
“It’s alright. I’ll just come tomorrow morning if ya want.”
He gave an assured smile.
“Alright.”
So he walked Xeno home, not just because he wanted to stay with him, but also because home was the last place he wanted to be.
“You really don’t need to walk me home everytime.”
“You kidding? A scrawny kid like you walking around at night is a bad idea.”
“What are you, my bodyguard? Besides, you’re a kid too.”
“Yeah, a kid that can actually survive a P.E. lesson.”
“I have better things to focus on than P.E.”
“And that’s why I’m making sure you get home safe.”
“Well, I suppose I should thank you, then, Mr. Knight.”
“Does that make you the princess?”
“I-“
He sighed.
“Goodnight, Stan.”
The blonde watched as he disappeared into the house infront of him.
“Night…”
He mumbled.
…
It was quiet again, but the kind he didn’t like. And now the crushing reality that he would eventually have no choice but to go home had completely destroyed his will to keep walking.
But he tried.
——
He saw the light from the TV screen radiating from the living room. The smell of cigarettes swarming him like a predator, a sign of what was to come in the next few minutes.
“That you, shithead?”
“Yeah.”
“Took yer damn time. D’ya get us some groceries?”
Shit.
“You didn’t ask me to.”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
The sound of glass clinking together indicated she was putting her beer down. She was putting it down to pick something else up.
He had two choices: try to calm her down, or run upstairs and hope she gives up. As much as he wanted to run, he was completely exhausted from walking, forcing him in place. His hands were shaking as he watched her emerge from out of the door.
“It’s a good thing I just finished this cigarette.”
She yanked at his arm despite his protests. That horribly familiar pain struck him right in the shoulder as she put her cigarette out. He yelped in pain.
“I don’t send you outside just for you to go ‘n’ hang out with that snotty little rich prick. You’re the man of the house now, ‘nd I don’t remember raising a faggot.”
“I’m sorry…”
“No you’re not. You’re just like your father. You couldn’t give two shits about me. Bet if you could, you’d leave me for him. Too bad he doesn’t want you.”
That line stung. Even if Stanley had a good relationship with his father, he still had no idea why he left, and he had no clue why he refused to take custody.
“Look at you. You’re probably still wondering why he’s gone. Hurts right? It hurt me more. I’m the idiot that married him. You’re just a regular idiot. Now fuck off and do whatever you do.”
He said nothing, just ran up the stairs and headed to the bathroom to take care of his burn.
The shower head started to run with cold water as he had it hover over his shoulder.
“Then you’d leave it for a few minutes…”
Reciting his dad’s instructions out loud made it feel like he was still there. If only he were…
He didn’t have anything to treat it, so he slapped a bandaid over his shoulder and called it a day. It was the best a 12 year old boy could do. At least, the best a boy like him could do. He wondered what Xeno would do, however.
The image of the younger boy placing his slender fingers around his arm, getting close to inspect his wound, gently cleaning the burn, all whilst dark, beady eyes darted across his body. It was so vivid he could almost feel each individual breath against his skin. And maybe, if he got lucky, he’d be able to snuggle up real close, and never have to let go of him again.
The harsh ring of the phone interrupted the atmosphere created by the melancholic buzz of the TV downstairs.
“Get the phone and don’t take too long! Phone bills’ expensive enough!”
He walked over to the phone as instructed, expecting a random spam caller or something, but upon picking up, he was met with a pleasant surprise.
“Hello? Is this the Snyder residence?”
“Xeno? Why are you up this late?”
“Well, I wanted to invite you over tomorrow for a sleepover. I thought then we would be able to finish our work.”
“Yeah, alright.”
“Would your parents be okay with it then?”
That’s a good question. Well his father was on the other side of the state, and his mother was extremely volatile, so the answer was probably no.
“Yeah. They don’t mind.”
But who cared what they thought, they didn’t care about him anyway, at least Xeno did. Besides, one night in a house that doesn’t reek of cigarettes sounded like a dream.
“Perfect! Then I’ll see you tomorrow morning!”
“Yeah.”
He hung up the phone, now filled with a sense of eagerness that he hadn’t felt in a long time.
“Hey! Who was it, Shithead?”
“Uh- just another salesman! He was… really pushy!”
“Well next time don’t hog the phone, shit for brains!”
——
Stanley wondered how long it would take for his mother to notice he was gone, but came to the conclusion she’d never bother to check. Still he made sure to leave in the morning before she woke up, hoping that if she never saw him in the first place, she wouldn’t remember that he existed.
The bag slung around his shoulder contained the only clothes that weren’t stained with that god-awful smell. Xeno’s family was rich after all, so he didn’t want them to think he was some sort of bad influence.
Sub-urban neighbourhoods were so foreign to the blonde, it almost felt like he was walking on another planet. The freshly trimmed hedges, the crisp, clean air, the well adjusted families; it all felt like a smack in the face compared to what his neighbourhood looked like. Not to mention all the walking he had to do to get there, but it was all worth it for him.
Upon reaching his destination, he made sure he looked his best, before knocking on the door. It only took 15 seconds for Xeno to open up, almost like he’d been diligently waiting.
“Ah, you’re here! Perfect, I’d expect nothing less from you.”
His face started to feel warm, and not because of the Texas heat.
“Um- am I too early? Are your folks still asleep?”
“Well no, of course not, it’s 9:00AM. They’re both at work.”
Right, not everyone’s parents sleep in till three.
“So it’s just you?”
“Well they trust me to care for myself, I’m not incompetent.”
“Yeah, course not…”
They were alone. Just the two of them. Stan had seen enough movies to know what that meant.
“Well are you going to come in?”
“Ah- yeah, sorry.”
He walked in, took his shoes off, and stepped inside, admiring the pristine atmosphere. The walls had diplomas, medals, and family photos all over. The most his house had was a crack in the wall.
“Am I sleeping on the couch?”
“You’re a guest, why would you sleep there?”
“So where am I staying?”
“Well, my parents are currently having the guest bedroom redone, so you’ll be staying with me.”
It was like everything Stanley ever wanted was being handed to him on a silver platter. It was perfect.
“Alright.”
He followed Xeno upstairs, his heart pounding at the thought of getting to enter his room.
“Most of my equipment is in the garage. Just leave your stuff here and we can get to work.”
“Mhm.”
——
For the next few hours, Stanley obediently followed every demand Xeno made as they worked, whilst also attentively paying attention to every single lecture. That brief moment of time made him forget about everything, but as usual, it was broken by the sound of Xeno’s parents arriving. Even then, they didn’t seem to bother the two of them, although Stan slightly regretted not using their few hours of solitude to his advantage…
“Alright, I think that’s enough for today.”
Xeno pulled his goggles up.
“Dinner should be ready by now, come on.”
And all of a sudden Stanley felt like his heart got caught in his throat and was now beating as vigorously as possible. Meeting his parents was a hurdle he wanted to avoid, but he had no choice. All he could do was present himself as polite and well-spoken as possible.
The table was perfectly set out, and his parents were already sat down waiting.
“Ah, this must be your friend. Stanley, was it?”
He sat up straight at the table.
“Y- yes, miss.”
“Well, it’s nice to know there’s someone in this state that shares Xeno’s interest in science. Tell me, what do your parents do?”
His parents were pushy. He didn’t like pushy people. He didn’t like questions.
“My dad’s a soldier, and- uh, my mom stays at home…”
He prayed that would satisfy them.
“My father was in the military too. He fought his fair share of commies back in the day.”
His father added.
“Yes, well I don’t think anyone wants to hear stories about the war except you.”
This whole thing felt weird. They were sat together, just- talking. They seemed happy being around each other. It was unusually tranquil for a dinner conversation, and that tranquility felt like it would swallow him whole. For the entirety of that small pocket of time where Stanley was submerged in normalcy, he couldn’t help but feel he was being kept under surveillance by the scrutinising gaze of Xeno’s “oh-so-proper” parents. As much as he wanted to scarf down his entire meal and leave, he realised that would only make him look more wolffish, and he already felt like an intruder just for sitting at the table.
“Thank you for the meal, mother.”
Xeno’s voice forced Stanley out of his own head and back into reality.
“Yeah, thank you.”
He followed him into his room, immediately overwhelmed by the smell of chamomiles. Almost like someone obsessively sprayed the whole place with air freshener till the bottle ran out. There were little stars along the ceiling too, the kind that glow in the dark if you shine a light on them. Of course, he’d have something like that in his room. It was so childish and cute…
“Those medals… are they all yours?”
“Well, a few belong to my parents, but yes. Why do you ask?”
The first thing he wanted to ask was “what was it like?” out of curiosity for how his parents reacted. A kid like him was perfect, so he wondered if they showered him in praise and took him somewhere nice as a reward; that sounds about right. But he said nothing like that. Instead telling him:
“No reason.”
There was a brief moment of silence. Unbearable, agonising silence that terrorised him even in his happiest moments-
“You must have a few medals too, right? Your skills are quite remarkable after all.”
His skills? His skills? Did Xeno really think that highly of him?
“Uh- yeah, there’s a few…”
It was a shame that he did see him that way, because Stanley just lied to his face. He hated lying, especially to Xeno, but that last thing he wants is for him to worry.
“I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
Xeno walked up to his drawer and pulled out a fresh set of pajamas before placing them on his bed and starting to get changed. He was used to changing in the same room as another boy, but for some reason, Stan felt himself heat up immensely at the sight of him. It took all he had to stop himself from turning around and blushing like a school girl.
‘Just act normal.’
He told himself as he slipped off his shirt. Too bad for him, however, because he forgot about the burn marks on his body, burn marks that Xeno immediately noticed.
“Stan? Where did you get all of those burns…?”
Aaaand it was too late. He’s seen everything.
“Um-“
Unable to come up with a proper excuse, he just froze as Xeno got closer to inspect his scars, before blurting out an obvious lie.
“I- they’re old. It was a fireworks burn.”
“These look like cigarette burns…”
“Uh-“
“Did someone do this?”
“It’s fine. Like I said, they’re old.”
“Not all of them…”
He peeled off the bandaid on his arm. It stung for a moment.
“Don’t lie to me, tell me what happened.”
He let out a sigh.
“My parents got divorced around 2 years ago… My mom didn’t take it well so she just- gets angry sometimes. It’s fine.”
“How is that fine if you’re being hurt?”
“Because… because it doesn’t affect you. So long as you’re fine I don’t care.”
Xeno had the strangest look on his face. It was this strange mix of confusion, concern, betrayal, and some other expression that Stanley couldn’t decipher for the life of him. And even as Xeno scolded him, he couldn’t help but stare into those sparkly, bulbous eyes of his. They were looking at him; acknowledging him. Him, and him only. Stanley couldn’t ask for anything more.
And then Stanley was pulled from his trance, because without realising, he had gone on autopilot, not realising what he just said before Xeno took his hands and pulled him closer.
“Don’t be foolish! Of course it would affect me! You’re my first ever friend, if something were to happen to you I’d have no one but myself to blame.”
What a horrible expression, yet, it filled the blond with the inexplicable desire to wipe the tears forming at the corners of his eyes and never let go of him again. He hated being the cause of such distress, but having that privilege of taking care of his dear friend would bring him nothing but pure bliss.
“I’m sorry…”
Before Stan knew it, he had been pulled into a tight hug.
“Don’t lie to me.”
He sighed.
“Then… can I tell you something else?”
“What is it…?”
He let out a little sniffle.
“I lied about my parents saying yes to this sleepover. My mom doesn’t even know…”
“I- What!?”
“She doesn’t notice I’m there anyway… and I wanted to get out of that house for a bit.”
“I’m gonna hope she doesn’t notice. My parents could get into trouble.”
“Sorry…”
But he wasn’t really sure if he was. Since he got here, he hasn’t regretted a thing, he got to spend his entire day with Xeno, even if it didn’t go as planned.
“Let me help with that burn. It’s fresh isn’t it?”
Stan nodded.
“Okay, just take a seat. I’ll be back.”
The boy decided to use that brief pocket of silence to admire more of Xeno’s room. Maybe they could build a fort together like in the movies. Maybe they could even…
No. I shouldn’t…
He couldn’t possibly think of Xeno that way. They were just friends . Really good friends. He blushed around him because he wasn’t used to having friends. He stared at him constantly because he admires his friend.
His mind flashed back to last night.
“I don’t remember raising a faggot.”
Those words echoed in his head again. He wasn’t sure what he was anymore, unable to distinguish his feelings from each other. All he knew was that as long as he had Xeno, he’d be fine. That didn’t make him a faggot. Why would it? Fags are weak. They’re weak and they need God. God… Did God even care about him? He prayed sometimes, but God hasn’t done much for him lately. Maybe he was a fag, maybe this was punishment. Maybe each burn from his mother’s cigarettes and lighters was only a small taste of what would come for him when he died. And he’d deserve it too, because he was nothing but a dirty sinner.
“I’m ba- what happened?!”
Stan didn’t notice the tingling on his cheeks as tears ran down.
“It’s… it’s something stupid… I’m fine.”
“No. What did I just say before? Tell me.”
He sat next to him, very closely. Close enough to feel the gentle puff of air he was exhaling. It tickled the little hairs on Stan’s neck. That close proximity only made his mind wander further.
And then Xeno started treating his wound. He had a bottle of Aloe Vera gel, gently rubbing it over his burn.
“So…?”
“I- Can we build a blanket fort?”
“I doubt that’s what made you cry.”
“I’ll tell you after, okay? Promise.”
“Very well.”
So after treating him, they did their best to gather as many blankets as possible to build their fort. Xeno even went out of his way to bring in extra pillows and some soft, yellow Christmas tree lights, just to make sure it was perfect.
“Now, tell me.”
“You’ll probably laugh at me cause you’re not religious… I’m- I’m scared I’m being punished by God. I’m scared that- no matter what I do I’m gonna end up burning in hell and everything bad that happens it me is what I deserve…”
“Why would you think that?”
“Cause… I’m- a homo…? I mean, I think I am…?”
“And why would anyone care about that? There’s no correlation.”
“But the Bible-”
“The majority of that book contradicts itself. Furthermore, the quote that every Christian likes to use is completely out of context. I doubt an “all-loving” God would ever care.”
“Then why have me suffer…?”
“You’re not. At least, you don’t have to suffer like before. You have me.”
His hand traced over Xeno’s dainty, little fingers for a moment.
“Exactly what made you realise you were gay?”
“Uh- well, I- found a magazine?”
“Oh…? Um-“
The younger boy got flustered all of a sudden.
“No that’s- that isn’t it.”
Moment of truth.
“I like someone…”
“Oh.”
For some strange reason, he sounded, dejected? Why though? Why would he care if Stanley liked someone…?
“Who is it?”
“Do I have to tell you?”
“I’d prefer if you did. I hate surprises.”
He twiddled his thumbs and looked off, panicking internally as he made his final decisions on how he wanted things to go.
“Is it someone we know? If so-”
He was cut off by a light press on his cheek.
“Ah. Um-”
“Sorry. That was stupid. I- I don’t even know if you were okay with-“
And then Xeno gave one back.
“I am.”
“Then, may I…?”
“Go right ahead.”
He closed his eyes, getting real close before the sparks started to fly. It was only a simple press, but it this was probably the most affection he’d received in years.
First kiss at 12. Not bad.
“That… wasn’t that bad.”
“No. It wasn’t…”
They looked away from each other for a moment.
“Should- should we go to bed?”
“Yeah. That would be for the best.”
“Can I stay another day?”
“Ask me tomorrow…”
He retreated into the blankets before plopping onto a pillow. Stan cradled his fingers through his hair out of instinct.
“G’Night…”
“Yeah…”