Archive of Our Own

By the time Professor Flitwick vanished from the classroom, the lesson had already died a slow, dramatic death.

Not officially, of course.

Officially, they were meant to continue reading the chapter he had assigned while he dashed away to fetch something from his office. Officially, they were trusted, mature, respectable sixth and seventh years who could handle ten unsupervised minutes without turning the Charms classroom into a public hazard.

Unofficially, the moment the door clicked shut behind him, every single person in the room collectively decided that education was over.

James Potter leaned back in his chair until it balanced on two legs, glasses sliding down his nose as he stared at the ceiling like he was hoping enlightenment might fall directly into his open mouth.

Sirius Black had folded his arms over the desk and dropped his chin onto them, face twisted into the sort of boredom that made him look personally betrayed by the concept of time.

Peter Pettigrew had started folding the corner of his parchment into increasingly ugly shapes.

Remus Lupin was pretending to read, which fooled absolutely nobody, mostly because his page had been upside down for the past three minutes.

Lily Evans sat upright, quill still in hand, but even she had begun doodling little aggressive stars in the margin beside her notes.

Mary Macdonald had her cheek pressed into her palm and was staring at the window with the longing of a tragic heroine imprisoned in a tower.

Marlene McKinnon was flicking tiny rolled-up bits of parchment at Fabian Prewett.

Fabian was flicking them back.

Gideon Prewett was keeping score under his breath.

Alice Fortescue had begun organising her ink bottles by height because apparently even boredom had to be tidy.

Frank Longbottom, sitting beside her, looked as though he was trying very hard not to fall asleep with his eyes open.

And across the room, Regulus Black and his friends were somehow managing to look even less impressed than everyone else.

Regulus sat perched neatly at his desk, chin tipped slightly upward, eyes cool and blank and bored in that expensive, aristocratic way that suggested boredom was not something happening to him, but something he had graciously allowed to exist nearby.

Barty Crouch Jr. was sprawled sideways in his chair, legs hooked over one armrest, grinning to himself like he was internally watching someone else’s downfall.

Evan Rosier had one elbow on the desk and one hand in his hair, staring into space with the expression of a man reconsidering every choice that had brought him to this classroom.

Pandora Rosier was carefully drawing a moth with too many wings.

Dorcas Meadowes, leaned back with her arms crossed, watched the whole room like she was waiting for it to become violent enough to be entertaining.

It took exactly four minutes for Sirius and Regulus to start arguing.

Nobody knew how it began.

One moment, the room was sunk in a heavy swamp of dull silence.

The next, Sirius had lifted his head and gone, “You’re doing that face again.”

Regulus did not look up from the parchment in front of him.

“What face.”

“That one.”

“My face?”

“Yes, that face.”

“This is just my face.”

“It’s your annoying face.”

Regulus finally looked at him. Slowly. Coldly.

James made an appreciative little noise. “Ooh. Dangerous territory, Pads.”

“Shut up, Potter,” Regulus and Sirius said at the same time.

James put a hand over his heart. “Aw. Brothers.”

“Do not,” Sirius said sharply.

“Ever,” Regulus added.

Mary snorted into her sleeve.

Marlene leaned forward at once, eyes bright. “No, no, keep going. This is already better than whatever Flitwick was saying.”

Lily gave her a look. “Marlene.”

“What? It is.”

Remus turned his upside-down book the right way up without looking at it. “It is, unfortunately, significantly more engaging.”

Peter nodded quickly. “Yeah. Loads better.”

Sirius pointed across the room at Regulus. “He started it.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Regulus said.

“You looked smug.”

“I looked bored.”

“You always look smug when you’re bored.”

“That’s because you’re always nearby.”

“Ouch,” Fabian said, delighted.

Gideon scratched something invisible onto his parchment. “Point to Regulus.”

Sirius twisted around. “You’re not scoring this.”

“I’m absolutely scoring this,” Gideon said.

Frank blinked awake properly. “There’s scoring?”

Alice sighed, but even she had turned slightly to watch.

Barty’s grin widened. “Merlin, this is embarrassing. Please continue.”

Dorcas nodded. “No, he’s right. This is good. I want to see which Black sibling bites first.”

Regulus’s mouth twitched faintly. “Sirius. Obviously.”

“Excuse me?” Sirius said.

“You’ve always bitten first.”

“I have not.”

“You have. When we were little, you used to follow me around pretending you were above everything, then lose your mind if I touched your things.”

“You used to hide dead beetles in my socks.”

“That was one time.”

“It was three times.”

“One beetle was alive.”

Lily slowly lowered her quill. “Sorry?”

James stared at Regulus with sudden, bright interest. “You put beetles in his socks?”

Regulus waved a hand dismissively. “He’s dramatic.”

Sirius sat up fully now, hair falling around his face, grey eyes wide with betrayal and vindication. “I am not dramatic. You were deranged.”

Regulus groaned and rolled his eyes. “You are still the same annoying freak you were when we were little.”

Silence cracked across the room.

Sirius froze.

Not just paused. Froze.

His entire face went blank.

James’s chair dropped onto all four legs with a loud bang.

Remus’s eyebrows rose.

Peter looked between them nervously.

Mary whispered, “Oh, that hit something.”

Marlene whispered back, “That hit a family archive.”

Sirius slowly turned his head, staring at Regulus as if his younger brother had just calmly announced the sky was made of soup.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said, voice dangerously quiet. “Me?”

Regulus blinked at him. “Yes.”

“Me?”

“Yes, Sirius, you. Do keep up.”

“You were the freaky little weirdo.”

Regulus’s expression did not change. “No, I wasn’t.”

Sirius slammed a hand down on the desk so hard Peter jumped. “You absolutely were!”

“I was perfectly normal.”

“You were not perfectly normal.”

“I was a polite child.”

“You tried to convince a footman the walls were breathing.”

“They were.”

“No, they weren’t!”

Regulus shrugged. “He believed they were.”

James covered his mouth with both hands, already shaking with laughter.

Lily looked between the two brothers like she could not decide whether to intervene or take notes for future reference.

Alice’s mouth had fallen open slightly.

Frank was awake now. Very awake.

Fabian leaned over to Gideon. “Change the score. Sirius has evidence.”

Gideon nodded seriously. “Pending review.”

Pandora lifted her gaze from her moth drawing and spoke in her soft, dreamy voice. “Regulus wasn’t like that.”

Sirius turned on her. “Oh, don’t you start.”

Pandora frowned. “He wasn’t.”

Regulus looked lightly pleased. “Thank you, Pandora.”

Evan made a strangled sound.

Everyone looked at him.

He stared at Pandora, then at Regulus, then back at Pandora again, face twisting with disbelief so intense it looked almost painful.

“No,” Evan said.

Pandora blinked. “What?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

Regulus’s brows lifted. “Something to add, Rosier?”

Evan scoffed, sitting up straighter. “Regulus very much was like that. I was there too.”

Pandora’s frown deepened. “You’re exaggerating.”

“I am traumatised.”

“You are dramatic.”

“I used to hide when Regulus came round to play with you.”

Barty cackled.

Dorcas leaned forward at once. “Wait, what?”

Evan pointed at Regulus and Pandora like he was presenting two cursed artefacts to a court. “Those two were freak children. Not charming. Not whimsical. Freak children.”

Pandora looked offended. “I was a quiet child.”

“You were worse because you whispered.”

Mary gasped. “That is worse.”

Marlene nodded. “That is definitely worse.”

Regulus leaned back in his chair, smirking now. “You still asked me out.”

Evan’s face went blank.

James made a noise like a kettle exploding.

Sirius’s head snapped around. “You what?”

Evan’s ears went pink. “That is not relevant.”

“It feels relevant,” Remus said mildly.

Peter nodded. “Really relevant.”

Barty nearly fell out of his chair laughing. “Oh, it’s extremely relevant.”

Dorcas pointed lazily at Evan. “That was a terrible defensive move.”

Regulus’s smirk sharpened, catlike and cruelly amused. “Terrified of me, were you?”

Evan glared. “You climbed out of a cupboard at me.”

“You screamed.”

“You had no reason to be in the cupboard.”

“I had several reasons.”

“You were seven.”

“I was versatile.”

Pandora looked between them with faint exasperation. “I wasn’t like that either.”

Evan and Sirius both spoke at once.

“Yes, you were.”

The room went still again.

Slowly, Sirius turned toward Evan.

Evan turned toward Sirius.

A strange, immediate, deeply unfortunate understanding passed between them.

Sirius pointed at Pandora. “You too?”

Evan pointed at Regulus. “Him too?”

“They were awful,” Sirius said.

“They were horrifying,” Evan said.

Regulus narrowed his eyes. “You are not bonding over this.”

Pandora’s lips pressed together. “This is ridiculous.”

Sirius and Evan ignored them completely.

Sirius leaned across the aisle, suddenly animated. “Did yours do the thing where they smiled sweetly right before saying the worst sentence you’d ever heard?”

Evan slapped the desk. “Yes!”

Pandora huffed. “I smiled normally.”

“You smiled like a porcelain doll that knew where the knives were,” Evan said.

James wheezed.

Lily’s shoulders shook despite her obvious attempt to remain composed.

Frank stared at Pandora with fascinated concern.

Alice looked as though she wanted to ask several questions and had wisely decided against all of them.

Fabian whispered, “This is better than theatre.”

Gideon whispered back, “This is theatre.”

Sirius stood suddenly. “We can prove it.”

Regulus’s smirk vanished.

Pandora’s pencil paused.

Barty’s eyes lit up. “Oh?”

Dorcas sat forward properly. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

Sirius reached into his bag with the confidence of a man who had been waiting years for justice. “I have memories.”

Regulus stared. “Why do you have memories of me as a child?”

“You were a menace. I kept evidence.”

“That is incredibly strange.”

“You were incredibly strange.”

Evan was already standing, digging through his own bag. “I have one too.”

Pandora turned to him slowly. “Evan.”

“No.”

“Evan.”

“No, Pandora, the truth is coming out.”

Regulus looked at Sirius. “This is childish.”

Sirius grinned. “Exactly.”

Professor Flitwick had, unfortunately for classroom safety, left a small polished projection basin at the front of the room. It was meant for charm demonstrations. It was absolutely not meant for two bitter older siblings to weaponise childhood memories during an unsupervised lesson.

Naturally, that was exactly what happened.

Sirius dropped the shining thread of memory into the basin. Evan added his a second later, muttering something under his breath. The basin shimmered, the air above it rippling like water touched by moonlight.

The whole class leaned forward.

Regulus sat very still.

Pandora folded her hands in her lap with offended dignity.

Barty looked like Christmas had come early.

The image in the air sharpened.

A house appeared.

Not a wizarding manor, not dark stone or iron gates or ancestral gloom. A tidy house in a painfully ordinary Muggle neighbourhood, with square windows, trimmed hedges, and the unbearable cheerfulness of fresh paint.

The classroom stared.

“That’s your house?” Mary asked.

Pandora tilted her head. “For a while.”

“It looks normal,” Peter said.

Evan shuddered. “It wasn’t after they got to it.”

In the memory, the front door opened.

A little girl stepped into view.

Pandora, at seven, was tall for her age. Thin and long-limbed, all elbows and pale hair and too-large eyes, she moved with a strange stillness that made her look less like a child and more like a doll someone had forgotten to blink for. Her dress hung neatly from her narrow shoulders. Her face was calm. Too calm.

“Oh, that’s creepy,” Marlene said immediately.

Pandora looked wounded. “I was adorable.”

“You looked haunted,” Fabian said.

“By taxidermy,” Gideon added.

Then something small, dark-haired, and fast shot past the doorway like a feral cat in expensive shoes.

The classroom erupted.

“Is that Regulus?” James choked.

Sirius threw both arms out. “Yes!”

Tiny Regulus Black came skidding back into view, scruffy-haired, bright-eyed, and wild with energy. He was short enough beside Pandora to look almost pocket-sized, cheeks round and cherubic, curls messy, robes slightly crooked like he had already crawled through at least one forbidden place that morning.

For half a second, he looked sweet.

Then he grinned.

The effect was immediate and alarming.

Alice made a noise. “Oh. Oh, no.”

Frank stared. “That is not a child’s grin.”

Remus’s mouth twitched. “That is the expression of a haunted object.”

Regulus, older and present, said coolly, “I looked normal.”

Sirius barked, “You looked like you bit people.”

Barty peered at the memory, delighted. “Did you?”

Regulus did not answer.

Dorcas laughed. “That’s a yes.”

In the memory, tiny Regulus bounced on the balls of his feet, practically vibrating. Pandora stood beside him, hands folded, eyes fixed on the front garden.

“They left us alone,” tiny Pandora said.

Tiny Regulus gasped dramatically. “Perfect.”

“That voice,” Lily whispered.

Mary clutched her arm. “He sounds like a tiny posh demon.”

Regulus gave them a flat look. “I was seven.”

“You were plotting at seven,” James said.

“I was advanced.”

Tiny Pandora pointed toward the pavement. “She’s back.”

Everyone in the classroom watched as a little Muggle girl appeared near the front path in a crisp uniform, a sash, and extremely clean white shorts. She carried a small box and wore the innocent expression of someone who had no idea she was about to be psychologically destroyed by two wizard children with no adult supervision.

Evan covered his face before anything even happened.

“Oh no,” he muttered. “I remember this.”

Pandora looked prim. “She was rude.”

Regulus said, “She deserved it.”

“What did she do?” Lily asked.

Regulus glanced away. “She existed nearby.”

Sirius pointed violently at him. “Freaky little weirdo.”

Tiny Regulus sprang forward.

The girl saw him and immediately stiffened.

“No,” she said. “Not you.”

Tiny Regulus grinned wider and lifted both hands.

A cluster of beetles rose from the grass.

The classroom exploded.

“He could do wandless magic?” Frank shouted.

“At seven?” Alice said, eyes enormous.

James nearly climbed onto his desk. “At seven?”

Lily stared at Regulus, stunned despite herself. “That is actually—”

“Insane,” Marlene supplied.

“Impressive,” Remus corrected, though he also looked deeply concerned.

Barty looked unbearably smug on Regulus’s behalf. “Prodigy.”

Dorcas nodded slowly. “Disturbing prodigy.”

Pandora watched the memory serenely. “I couldn’t do magic yet.”

Evan pointed at her. “And somehow you were still terrifying.”

In the memory, tiny Regulus flicked his fingers, and the beetles shot toward the girl.

She screamed.

Regulus chased her in circles around the front garden, laughing brightly, throwing bugs with wicked precision.

“Stop it!” the girl cried.

Tiny Regulus cupped a hand theatrically to his ear. “Do you hear that sound?”

Tiny Pandora, standing in the doorway with her head tilted, replied softly, “That beautiful sound?”

Tiny Regulus spun once, delighted, while the girl screamed louder. “That is the sound, of clean, white shorts turning brown.”

James collapsed forward onto his desk, howling.

Mary made a horrified cackle.

Lily pressed both hands to her mouth.

Peter stared, eyes huge. “That’s so mean.”

Marlene was crying with laughter. “He said it like poetry.”

Sirius pointed at the projection. “Do you see? Do all of you see?”

Regulus sniffed. “She had terrible manners.”

Tiny Regulus skipped after the girl and continued, voice bright and gleeful. “Torture and pain. Breaking a brain. A sound that says I will never sleep well again~!”

“Regulus!” Alice said, appalled.

Regulus looked at her. “What?”

“You were seven!”

“I had range.”

Tiny Pandora’s eyes followed the screaming girl with dreamy satisfaction. “The sound of a scream, is music to me. A sound that says fifteen years full-time therapy.”

Evan jabbed a finger at the air. “There! There! You hear that?”

Pandora frowned. “That was a reasonable prediction.”

Gideon had stopped scoring and was simply staring.

Fabian looked delighted beyond measure. “I want this memory forever.”

The girl shrieked one final time and fled down the pavement, sobbing.

Tiny Regulus stood at the edge of the garden, chest heaving happily, curls bouncing as he turned back to Pandora.

“Trauma and fear, it sings in my ear~”

Tiny Pandora joined him at his side.

Together, with the solemn joy of tiny monsters, they said, “Ain't it the sweetest noise around, that beautiful sound?”

The girl vanished from view.

The classroom lost its mind.

James was laughing so hard he was silent.

Sirius looked vindicated enough to glow.

Remus had one hand over his eyes, shoulders trembling.

Peter kept whispering, “Oh no, oh no,” while also laughing.

Lily looked directly at Regulus. “You were absolutely a freaky little weirdo.”

Regulus’s expression remained blank. “I disagree.”

Mary pointed at Pandora. “And you! You were just standing there narrating psychological damage.”

Pandora blinked. “I was participating.”

“That is worse,” Frank said.

Dorcas grinned. “Honestly, I see the vision.”

Barty nodded. “Tiny Regulus had flair.”

Evan stared at him. “Do not encourage him.”

The memory continued.

Tiny Regulus suddenly perked up.

“Ooh! Someone's at the door.”

Tiny Pandora looked toward the hallway. “You wanna answer it this time?”

Tiny Regulus clasped his hands in front of his chest, eyes shining. “More than anything!”

Pandora, present in the classroom, quietly said, “This part was funny.”

Evan groaned. “This part made Mother scream at us for an hour.”

Tiny Pandora stepped neatly aside. “Don't oversell it, act natural.”

Tiny Regulus turned to her, offended. “Come on, you're giving me advice?”

Sirius slapped the desk. “See? Even then he couldn’t act natural.”

Regulus muttered, “Neither could she.”

In the memory, the doorbell rang again.

Tiny Regulus darted behind the door. There was a flicker of magic, brief and dark.

The door opened.

A Muggle man stood on the step, holding a clipboard.

“Hello, I'm with the County Census Bureau, time for a few—”

He stopped dead.

Tiny Regulus stepped into view.

He looked like a corpse.

His skin had gone grey-white, eyes shadowed, lips bluish, curls hanging damply around his face. He stood limp and slack, head tipped at an impossible angle, staring up at the man.

The classroom screamed.

Frank actually grabbed Alice’s sleeve.

Peter yelped.

Mary shrieked and then immediately started laughing.

Marlene hit Fabian’s arm repeatedly. “No, no, no, absolutely not.”

Fabian wheezed, “He’s dead!”

Gideon gasped, “He committed to the bit!”

Tiny corpse-Regulus lifted one hand.

“Hi!”

The census man went pale. “Oh my God!”

Sirius turned to the class, triumphant. “Seven.”

Regulus said, “It was illusion work.”

“At seven,” Lily said faintly.

“Magic is about intention.”

“Your intention was corpse.”

The census man swallowed hard, eyes fixed on tiny Regulus. “How many... people live here...?”

Tiny Pandora appeared behind him, serene as moonlight. “Just me.”

“Ohh,” the man said weakly, then pointed a shaking finger at Regulus, “and you?”

Tiny Regulus smiled, dead-eyed. “I don't live here, I'm dead!”

The man fled.

He did not walk away.

He ran.

The classroom became chaos.

James fell sideways into Sirius.

Sirius shoved him away while laughing so hard he could barely breathe.

Remus had given up all pretence of dignity and was laughing into his sleeve.

Peter looked torn between horror and admiration.

Lily kept saying, “At seven. At seven.”

Mary was practically folded over her desk.

Marlene had tears streaming down her face.

Alice looked scandalised.

Frank looked fascinated.

Fabian and Gideon were both applauding.

Barty whistled.

Dorcas looked at Regulus with new respect.

Evan looked exhausted, as if reliving the memory had aged him.

Pandora smiled faintly. “That one was clever.”

Tiny Regulus, in the memory, shook off the corpse illusion and bounced in place. “Panic and stress!”

Tiny Pandora echoed softly, “Panic and stress.”

Tiny Regulus flung his arms out. “Oh ain't it the best?”

Pandora lifted her chin. “Ain't it the best!”

Tiny Regulus pressed a hand dramatically to his chest. “The sound of heart—”

Together, they declared, “Exploding inside a chest!”

James wheezed, “They rehearsed.”

“We did not,” Pandora said.

Evan stared at her. “You absolutely rehearsed. I heard you in the pantry.”

Pandora looked away.

Regulus smirked.

Sirius jabbed both hands toward them. “Guilty.”

Tiny Pandora spun lightly on one heel, pale hair swinging. “It fills you with pride!”

Tiny Regulus grabbed her hands and spun with her. “We're ruining lives!”

Together again, bright and awful, they said, “Ain't it the sweetest noise in town, that beautiful sound?”

Alice covered her face. “I cannot believe this.”

Frank patted her shoulder, though he was grinning. “I sort of can.”

Lily pointed at Regulus. “You are never allowed to call Sirius the freak again.”

Regulus said, “I still will.”

Sirius threw a piece of parchment at him. Regulus caught it without looking.

“That,” Remus said, “was unnecessary and impressive.”

Barty leaned toward Dorcas. “He loves being dramatic.”

Dorcas muttered, “They all do.”

In the memory, tiny Regulus paused suddenly, eyes going bright with a terrible idea.

“Hey! You know what would make all this even more awesome?”

Tiny Pandora looked at him. “What?”

Tiny Regulus lifted both hands.

The air shimmered.

One Regulus became two.

Then three.

Then four.

The classroom went completely silent for half a second.

Then everyone screamed again.

“HE MADE COPIES?” James shouted.

“At seven?” Lily repeated, sounding personally offended by reality.

Sirius flung himself back into his chair. “THANK YOU.”

Evan pointed at the projection. “Do you understand why I hid?”

Regulus looked smug. “They weren’t stable copies.”

“That makes it worse!” Mary said.

In the memory, tiny Pandora took one of the duplicate Regulus children by the hands and began dancing with it in the entryway, entirely calm about the sudden multiplication of her friend.

Tiny Regulus, the original, climbed onto a chair like a tiny conductor.

“More me!”

The copies grinned.

The classroom collectively recoiled.

Tiny Regulus shouted, “All we wanna do is hear that sound.”

One copy repeated, “All we wanna do is hear that sound!”

Tiny Regulus pointed at the others. “Fellas!”

The copies chimed in, “All we wanna do is hear that sound!”

Tiny Pandora, still dancing with one of them, smiled faintly as they all said, “All we wanna do is hear that sound!”

Another knock came at the door.

Tiny Regulus gasped, eyes shining with wicked delight. “Ooh, ooh, somebody's at the door, alright. Let's make some more people scream!”

The classroom was barely holding together.

Peter whispered, “I would have moved house.”

“So would I,” Frank said.

“Cowards,” Barty said.

“Reasonable people,” Lily corrected.

The door opened.

A delivery man stood there holding a parcel.

“Package for Rosier.”

Tiny Regulus leaned against the doorframe, looking suddenly serious. “You know overnight delivery cost extra.”

Tiny Pandora stepped beside him and inspected the parcel. “What a rip off.”

The delivery man frowned. “Er—”

Tiny Regulus flicked his fingers.

The parcel twitched.

The tape peeled itself loose like a living thing.

The man looked down.

The package sprang open.

Tape shot out, wrapping around his wrists, his hat, his nose. Brown paper flapped like wings. The parcel chased him backward off the step while tiny Regulus laughed so hard he nearly fell over.

The man ran.

The package pursued him down the path.

Fabian slammed both palms onto his desk. “Brilliant.”

Gideon nodded. “Illegal. But brilliant.”

Alice turned to him. “Do not sound impressed.”

“I am a little impressed.”

“You cannot be impressed by attacking postmen.”

“It was a parcel man.”

“That is not better.”

Tiny Regulus held up both hands suddenly. “Ohh! Okay, okay, shh!”

Tiny Pandora froze.

The Regulus copies vanished in little shivers of light.

Everyone in the classroom leaned in again, helpless.

Another knock.

The door opened.

A second Muggle man stood outside, holding a pizza box.

“Pizza for Rosier.”

Tiny Pandora glanced at tiny Regulus. “Hey, what'd you order?”

Tiny Regulus beamed. “Pepperoni, mushrooms and snakes!”

The pizza man blinked. “Snakes?”

The box hissed.

The man looked down very slowly.

The lid lifted.

Several snakes burst upward from the pizza, lunging out like living toppings.

The man screamed and bolted.

The snakes slithered after him for three feet before turning into ribbons and fluttering innocently to the ground.

Mary screeched. “No!”

Marlene was laughing too hard to breathe. “Snakes on pizza!”

James clutched Sirius’s shoulder. “Your brother was incredible.”

Sirius shoved him off. “My brother was a public menace.”

Regulus looked at James with faint approval. “Thank you.”

Lily pointed a quill at him. “Do not accept compliments for snake pizza.”

Barty said, “I’d eat it.”

Everyone looked at him.

Barty shrugged. “What?”

Dorcas shook her head. “That explains a lot.”

A few minutes seemed to pass in the memory.

The house was quieter now.

Tiny Regulus and tiny Pandora crouched near the front window, watching the street.

Then a woman approached the door carrying a pie.

Tiny Regulus grimaced. “Ugh, holy moly, a lot of people come to this house, lights!”

The room dimmed instantly.

The classroom reacted at once.

Remus leaned forward. “His control was actually remarkable.”

Sirius pointed at him, outraged. “Do not academic this.”

“I’m just saying.”

“He was haunting Muggles!”

“He was doing it very precisely.”

Regulus’s mouth curved.

The woman outside knocked gently.

“Hello? New neighbours?” she called. “I brought you a pie?”

Tiny Regulus and Pandora ducked out of sight.

The woman opened the door cautiously and stepped inside.

“It's from the store! Oh I don't see anything.”

Tiny Regulus, hidden behind the counter, lifted one finger.

The pie trembled.

A hand shot out of it and grabbed the woman’s face.

The classroom detonated.

The woman screamed.

Tiny Regulus popped up from behind the counter. “Hi there, ahahaha! Hey Panda, check this out-!”

Tiny Pandora appeared silently at the woman’s side.

The woman ripped herself free, dropped the pie, and stumbled backward toward the door.

Tiny Regulus called after her, offended. “Lady, you're forgetting something!”

The woman sobbed, “My pie!”

Then she ran off wailing without it.

Tiny Regulus stared after her in satisfaction.

“Yes I hear that sound.”

Tiny Pandora stepped beside him. “That beautiful sound.”

Her voice softened, oddly triumphant. “A sound that means no more condescending adults hanging around!”

Tiny Regulus nodded sharply. “Every groan!”

Together, they said, “Each wail and each moan!”

Pandora’s eyes shone. “Adds up to Daddy's leavin’.”

Then she smiled, small and strange and pleased. “Me the hell alone!”

Evan, in the classroom, groaned into his hands. “There. That. That is exactly what I mean.”

Pandora gave him a sidelong look. “It was honest.”

“It was alarming.”

Tiny Pandora stepped into the middle of the hallway, arms spread. “Hey look at me. I'm finally free. I was invisible. But now they all see.”

Tiny Regulus watched her with delighted approval.

Pandora continued, voice dreamy and clear. “They're out of my grill because of that shrill symphony!”

Tiny Regulus joined her at once.

Together, grinning like tiny nightmares, they declared, “Ain't it the sweetest noise around, that beautiful sound!”

The memory shimmered.

And then, at the edge of the projected hallway, a third child appeared.

Tiny Evan Rosier.

He was hiding halfway behind a doorframe, pale and wide-eyed, watching tiny Regulus and tiny Pandora with the pure horror of a boy who had seen too much.

The classroom went deathly quiet.

Then every single person slowly turned to Evan.

Evan’s face had gone pink.

“No,” he said immediately.

Tiny Regulus spotted tiny Evan.

The grin spread across his little face like sunrise over a crime scene.

“Oh,” Sirius said, delighted. “Oh, this is the good part.”

Evan pointed at him. “Shut up.”

Tiny Evan’s eyes widened.

Tiny Regulus crouched slightly, feral and bouncy.

Tiny Pandora turned her head slowly, doll-eyed and calm.

Tiny Evan whispered, “No.”

Tiny Regulus launched forward.

Tiny Evan screamed and ran.

Tiny Regulus chased him through the house at full speed, curls flying, laughing wildly. Tiny Pandora followed at a slower pace, unhurried, which somehow made the whole thing more frightening.

Older Evan put his head on the desk.

Barty was gone. Absolutely gone. Laughing silently, red-faced, one hand gripping Dorcas’s sleeve for survival.

Dorcas was laughing too, though she tried to disguise it as coughing and failed.

James had tears in his eyes. “He’s so small.”

“He’s so fast,” Peter said.

“He’s hunting him,” Mary said.

“He’s having fun,” Regulus corrected.

“Those are not mutually exclusive,” Remus said.

Lily shook her head, smiling despite herself. “I cannot believe this is real.”

Alice stared at the projection as tiny Evan darted behind a sofa and tiny Regulus vaulted over it with terrifying athleticism. “Evan, I am so sorry.”

Frank nodded solemnly. “That looked formative.”

“It was,” Evan muttered into the desk.

Fabian leaned toward Gideon. “Final score?”

Gideon stared at the memory, where tiny Pandora had now somehow appeared at the other end of the hallway and tiny Evan had screamed again.

“Regulus and Pandora: guilty,” Gideon said. “Sirius and Evan: vindicated.”

Sirius stood at once, pointing triumphantly at Regulus. “HA!”

Regulus flicked his eyes toward him. “Sit down.”

“No. No, I will not sit down. I have spent years being called dramatic by you. Years. And now everyone knows the truth.”

Regulus looked unimpressed. “The truth being?”

Sirius threw a hand toward the fading memory, where tiny Regulus was still chasing tiny Evan in circles. “You were a freaky little weirdo.”

Pandora lifted one finger. “We were imaginative.”

“You were menaces,” Evan said.

“We were unsupervised,” Pandora corrected.

“That is not a defence,” Lily said.

“It explains things,” Remus murmured.

James wiped his eyes. “I think it explains everything.”

Peter nodded rapidly. “So much.”

Mary pointed between Regulus and Pandora. “I am never answering a door if either of you are behind it.”

Marlene nodded. “Same. If Regulus says ‘Hi’ from behind anything, I’m running.”

Alice looked at Regulus very seriously. “Did you ever apologise to any of those people?”

Regulus blinked. “No.”

Frank rubbed his forehead. “Of course not.”

Barty finally managed to breathe again. “That was the greatest thing I have ever seen.”

Dorcas smirked. “Honestly, I’d watch a second memory.”

“No,” Evan and Sirius snapped at once.

Then they looked at each other again.

A second strange little bond passed between them.

Sirius pointed at him. “You get it.”

Evan nodded grimly. “I get it.”

Regulus stared between them. “Stop that.”

Pandora’s nose wrinkled. “It’s unnatural.”

“You two traumatised us,” Sirius said.

“You’re lucky we didn’t start a support group,” Evan added.

James raised a hand. “Can I join? I wasn’t there, but I feel affected.”

Lily lowered his hand for him. “No.”

Fabian leaned back in his chair, satisfied. “This is officially the best class we’ve ever had.”

Gideon nodded. “No professor, no lesson, childhood crimes revealed. Educational.”

Remus looked at the projection basin, now dark and calm again. “Technically, we did learn something.”

Sirius grinned sharply. “We learned my brother was the weird one.”

Regulus said, without missing a beat, “You still are the annoying one.”

Sirius opened his mouth.

Regulus added, “And loud.”

Sirius shut his mouth.

Then opened it again. “I am not loud.”

The whole classroom stared at him.

Even James stared at him.

Sirius looked around. “What?”

Marlene snorted. “Nothing.”

Mary grinned. “Absolutely nothing.”

Pandora returned to drawing her moth like nothing had happened. “For the record, I was charming.”

Evan turned his head slowly. “You made me hide in a laundry basket.”

“You fit.”

“That is not the point.”

Regulus smirked faintly. “You were cute when you screamed.”

Evan’s ears went red again. “Do not flirt with me during my testimony.”

Barty slapped the desk, delighted. “During my testimony!”

Dorcas leaned back, smiling. “Merlin, you’re all disasters.”

Alice sighed, though she was smiling too now. “Professor Flitwick is going to come back and wonder why everyone looks like they’ve been attacked.”

Frank glanced at the door. “To be fair, emotionally, some people have.”

Sirius dropped back into his chair, still grinning with the exhausted satisfaction of a man who had won a war nobody else knew he had been fighting.

Regulus folded his hands neatly atop his desk, expression once again calm and blank.

A perfect little mask.

Sweet. Polite. Untouched.

Then he glanced toward Sirius, mouth twitching.

Sirius narrowed his eyes.

Regulus whispered, just loud enough for him to hear, “Do you hear that sound?”

Sirius went rigid.

James immediately started laughing again.

Pandora, without looking up, murmured, “That beautiful sound?”

Evan stood. “No. Absolutely not. I am leaving.”

Regulus did not let Evan leave.

He did not even let him get properly upright.

The moment Evan pushed his chair back with the exhausted dignity of a man fleeing a crime scene, Regulus moved.

Fast.

One second he was seated neatly at his own desk, hands folded, face angelic in a way that fooled absolutely no one anymore.

The next, he had grinned.

Not smiled.

Grinned.

That horrid, sharp, creepy little grin that made Sirius immediately recoil across the room and point at him like a priest identifying a demon.

“There!” Sirius shouted. “That one! That is the face!”

Regulus ignored him entirely.

He grabbed Evan by the sleeve, yanked him back with a surprising amount of force for someone so slight, and hauled the taller boy close enough that Evan stumbled, caught himself on the edge of Regulus’s desk, and stared down at him in betrayal.

“Regulus.”

Regulus blinked up at him.

Sweetly.

“Yes?”

“No.”

“You don’t know what I’m going to say.”

“I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“You’re going to be weird.”

Regulus’s grin widened. “That’s rude.”

“That’s history.”

James slapped a hand over his mouth.

Marlene wheezed.

Mary leaned so far forward Lily had to grab the back of her robes to stop her from slipping off the bench.

“Don’t miss this,” Mary hissed.

“I’m not missing it,” Lily whispered back, eyes fixed on Regulus like she was watching a rare magical creature doing something deeply dangerous.

Regulus stood up on his chair.

Not on the floor.

On the chair.

He rose onto his knees first, because even standing on the chair he still had to compensate for the frankly insulting height difference between him and Evan. His hands curled in the front of Evan’s robes, dragging him down slightly.

Evan made a long, long suffering sound.

“Don’t,” he said.

Regulus tilted his head. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t climb furniture at me.”

“I’m not climbing furniture at you. I am using available resources.”

“You are kneeling on a chair.”

“I’m improving the conversation.”

“You are making it worse.”

Barty dropped his chin into his hand, delighted. “This is romance.”

Dorcas snorted. “This is hostage negotiation.”

Frank, still looking faintly overwhelmed by the childhood memory, muttered, “I think it’s both.”

Alice nodded slowly. “That feels accurate.”

Regulus leaned into Evan’s space, clinging to him with both hands now, the picture of expensive menace and pretty-boy mischief.

“Say I wasn’t that bad,” he cooed.

Evan stared at him.

The whole room went still.

Then Evan laughed once, loudly and without humour.

“No.”

Regulus’s eyes narrowed.

James whispered, “Brave.”

Remus murmured, “Foolish.”

Peter whispered, “Both.”

Regulus tugged Evan closer by his robes. “Say it.”

“No.”

“Evan.”

“No, Regulus.”

Regulus pouted.

It was a poisonous little pout. An aristocratic pout. A pout engineered in a laboratory to ruin lives and lower standards.

Evan visibly suffered.

Sirius threw his hands up. “Oh, don’t fall for that. He used to do that when Mother said no to biscuits.”

Regulus glanced over. “And it worked.”

“Because you looked like an abandoned ghost child.”

“I was persuasive.”

“You were manipulative.”

“I was seven.”

“You were seven and manipulative.”

Pandora drifted a little closer to Sirius’s side of the room.

Sirius immediately noticed.

He stiffened.

“Why are you moving?”

Pandora smiled at him, very faintly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “No.”

She took another slow step.

“Sirius,” James said, voice trembling with laughter, “are you scared of Pandora?”

“No,” Sirius snapped.

Pandora tilted her head.

Sirius took one step back.

Marlene pointed. “He’s scared of Pandora.”

“I am not scared of Pandora,” Sirius said, taking another step back.

Pandora said softly, “You used to run faster.”

Sirius made a strangled noise. “You are not even my creepy sibling!”

Pandora’s smile grew.

Sirius turned and started backing around the desks.

“You are not even my creepy sibling, and I still had to deal with you for years because Regulus kept bothering Evan, so you decided to bother me.”

Pandora followed him.

Slowly.

Hands folded.

Expression calm.

Like a haunted portrait had learned to walk.

James was laughing so hard he had gone pink. “Padfoot. Padfoot, mate. You’re being stalked by a Ravenclaw.”

“She’s doing it on purpose,” Sirius snapped.

Pandora blinked. “Doing what?”

“That. The little quiet thing.”

“I’m walking.”

“You’re gliding.”

“I have good posture.”

“You have murder posture.”

Dorcas leaned back, grinning broadly. “Murder posture.”

Fabian pointed at Gideon. “Write that down.”

Gideon actually did.

Meanwhile, Evan was still trapped.

Regulus had hooked both hands properly into his robes now and refused to let go, kneeling on the chair with absolutely no concern for balance. His hair had fallen forward into his eyes, making him look softer than he was, which was unfair because he was currently behaving like a cursed household pet.

“Evan,” Regulus said, very softly.

Evan closed his eyes. “No.”

“You don’t know what I’m going to ask.”

“You are going to ask me to lie in front of witnesses.”

“I was going to ask you to tell the truth.”

“The truth is that you were that bad.”

Regulus gasped.

It was fake.

Spectacularly fake.

The kind of gasp a very dramatic widow might make over a poisoned teacup.

Barty applauded once. “Beautiful.”

Lily pinched the bridge of her nose. “This entire group needs supervision.”

“We had none,” Pandora called softly while still stalking Sirius around a desk.

“That explains so much,” Remus said.

Regulus poked Evan in the chest. “List the alleged crimes, then.”

Evan stared down at him. “Alleged?”

“Yes.”

“Regulus, you once hid under my bed for two hours just so you could grab my ankle when I got up.”

Regulus smiled. “You screamed beautifully.”

Evan turned to the room. “He said beautifully. Do you hear him?”

Mary nodded solemnly. “We hear him.”

Marlene leaned both elbows on the desk. “More. Give us more.”

Evan, emboldened by the audience and imprisoned by his boyfriend, pointed accusingly at Regulus. “You once charmed my bedroom mirror so every time I looked into it, my reflection looked behind me and screamed.”

Peter made a tiny noise of horror.

“That’s awful,” Frank said.

“That’s incredible,” James said.

Lily looked at him.

James quickly added, “Awful. Incredibly awful.”

Regulus’s eyes gleamed. “It improved your reflexes.”

“It ruined brushing my teeth for a month.”

“You brushed faster.”

“I brushed in the hallway.”

“That was your choice.”

Evan dragged a hand down his face. “You once put tiny whispering voices in the walls.”

Regulus looked thoughtful. “That one was difficult.”

Alice stared at him. “That is not the part to focus on.”

Evan continued, voice rising. “They kept saying my name.”

“They were polite.”

“They were inside the walls.”

“They didn’t shout.”

“They didn’t need to!”

Sirius, currently halfway behind James’s chair as Pandora continued to shadow him, shouted, “He did that at Grimmauld too!”

Regulus looked over, offended. “Mine had better diction.”

Sirius jabbed a finger at him. “There were voices in the fireplace saying, ‘Sirius, Sirius, Sirius,’ for three nights.”

“That wasn’t me.”

Everyone paused.

Sirius blinked. “What?”

Regulus’s smile sharpened. “That was Kreacher.”

Sirius stared.

Then he looked deeply, personally wounded. “I hate this family.”

James patted him on the shoulder while still laughing. “There, there.”

Pandora appeared on Sirius’s other side.

Sirius yelped and vaulted over James’s bench.

The room erupted.

Dorcas nearly choked.

Barty slapped a hand over his mouth and failed completely to stop laughing.

Pandora stood where Sirius had been, serene. “He still runs well.”

Regulus glanced over and, for one fleeting second, his expression turned knowing.

Too knowing.

The kind of knowing that lived behind locked doors with secrets for teeth.

Pandora did not look at him.

She was still watching Sirius flee, her mouth curved in a tiny, pleased line.

Regulus’s grin flickered.

He knew.

Of course he knew.

No one else did.

Not Sirius, who was now crouched behind Remus’s chair and whispering, “Moony, don’t let her near me.”

Not James, who was useless because he was laughing into his sleeve.

Not Lily, who was too busy watching Regulus and Evan with the horrified fascination of someone witnessing a romance built entirely out of red flags and good cheekbones.

Not even Evan, who was still trapped in front of Regulus and too distracted to notice his twin quietly terrorising the boy she fancied.

Regulus knew.

Regulus always knew.

He looked back at Evan, eyes bright with mischief. “Continue.”

Evan blinked. “What?”

“My terrible crimes. You seemed passionate.”

“I am passionate because I suffered.”

“You were obsessed with me.”

“I was not.”

Regulus cooed. “Yes, you were.”

Evan’s ears went pink instantly.

Barty made a delighted sound. “Oh, here we go.”

Dorcas leaned forward. “This just got worse.”

Marlene whispered, “Better.”

Mary whispered back, “So much better.”

Evan scowled down at Regulus. “I was not obsessed with you.”

Regulus patted his chest. “You had a crush on me.”

“No.”

“You did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You followed me around.”

“You were in my house.”

“You watched me from doorways.”

“I was monitoring a threat.”

“You brought me biscuits.”

“You stole them first.”

“You let me keep them.”

Evan opened his mouth.

Closed it.

Regulus’s grin turned smug.

James pointed at Evan. “That’s a confession.”

“No, it isn’t,” Evan snapped.

Remus smiled faintly. “It is adjacent to one.”

Peter nodded. “Very adjacent.”

Lily looked amused despite herself. “Painfully adjacent.”

Regulus leaned closer, voice turning soft and sweet and absolutely lethal. “You liked me even when I hid under your bed.”

Evan glared.

“You liked me when I made your mirror scream.”

“Unfortunately.”

The word came out before Evan could stop it.

The room exploded.

Barty screamed.

Dorcas slapped the desk.

James leapt to his feet like his team had won the Cup. “HE SAID UNFORTUNATELY!”

Sirius, still hiding from Pandora, popped up. “Ha!”

Pandora turned toward him.

Sirius ducked back down. “Nope.”

Evan shut his eyes in pure regret.

Regulus looked triumphant.

“Unfortunately,” Regulus repeated, delighted.

Evan muttered, “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I could start.”

“You won’t.”

“I might.”

“You won’t.”

Evan opened his eyes.

Regulus was still kneeling on the chair in front of him, clinging to him, hair in his face, grin all sharp and gleaming, looking up through dark lashes like the most insufferable thing ever made and the prettiest thing Evan had ever had the misfortune of adoring.

Evan’s expression softened before he could stop it.

Everyone saw.

Everyone.

Mary made a sound like she had been stabbed with cuteness.

Marlene slapped her own arm. “Oh, he’s gone.”

“He is gone,” Fabian agreed.

Gideon nodded gravely. “No recovery possible.”

Alice sighed. “That was embarrassingly sweet.”

Frank smiled. “He really is stuck.”

Evan heard all of them and chose, with great dignity, to ignore it.

He reached up and gently pushed Regulus’s hair out of his eyes.

Regulus paused.

Just for a fraction of a second.

His sharp grin softened into something smaller and pleased, though still smug enough to be legally irritating.

Evan sighed. “You’re going to fall.”

“I’m not.”

“You are. You have no survival instincts.”

“I have excellent survival instincts.”

“You are kneeling on a chair while arguing with me.”

“I survived.”

“Because I’m holding you.”

Regulus glanced down.

Evan’s hands had come to rest at his waist without either of them really deciding it. One hand steadying him, the other still near his hair, fingers brushing dark curls away from his forehead with a tenderness that made Sirius gag loudly from across the room.

“Oh, Merlin,” Sirius said. “Do that somewhere else.”

Regulus turned his head. “You’re just jealous.”

“I am not jealous.”

Pandora, now directly behind him, said, “You could be.”

Sirius made a noise that was half scream, half offended bark, and fled around Remus’s desk.

Remus lifted his book slightly to avoid being used as a shield. “Sirius.”

“She keeps appearing!”

“I’m walking,” Pandora said again.

“You are haunting me!”

Pandora’s eyes widened with fake innocence. “I would never.”

Sirius pointed at Regulus while still backing away. “This is your fault. You bothered Evan, so she bothered me. Years of this. Years.”

Pandora drifted after him.

“You used to hide in curtains,” she said.

“Because you were outside the curtains!”

“You were easy to find.”

“You whispered my name through the fabric!”

“You answered.”

“I was ten!”

“You were loud.”

James wheezed. “He was loud at ten too?”

Pandora looked at him. “He has always been loud.”

Sirius clutched his chest. “Betrayal. From someone who isn’t even related to me.”

Regulus, still held by Evan, called out, “Panda, don’t break him.”

Pandora glanced at Regulus.

Something passed between them, quick and secret and wicked.

“Not fully,” she said.

Sirius looked between them. “What does that mean?”

Neither answered.

Which was, somehow, worse.

Evan looked down at Regulus with a resigned expression. “You are enjoying this too much.”

Regulus looked back up. “You admitted you liked me.”

“I said unfortunately.”

“You said you liked me.”

“I did not say that.”

“You implied it.”

“You forced a confession out of me in a public classroom.”

“You were brave.”

“I was cornered.”

“You’re taller.”

“You’re vicious.”

Regulus smiled.

Evan sighed again, softer this time, and brushed his thumb near Regulus’s temple, neatening the curls there with a care that made Regulus’s eyes go briefly half-lidded and pleased.

Barty leaned toward Dorcas. “He’s melting.”

Dorcas nodded. “Fully liquefied.”

Evan glared at them without any heat. “I can hear you.”

“Good,” Barty said. “It adds accountability.”

Regulus pressed closer, arms sliding around Evan’s middle now, clinging properly.

“Say it,” he murmured.

Evan looked suspicious. “Say what?”

“That I wasn’t that bad.”

“You were awful.”

Regulus pouted again.

Evan’s jaw tightened.

“No.”

Regulus blinked slowly.

Evan inhaled.

“No.”

Regulus leaned his chin against Evan’s chest and stared up at him.

Evan’s face did something complicated and doomed.

Lily whispered, “Oh, he’s losing.”

“He lost years ago,” Remus said.

Evan muttered, “You were terrible.”

Regulus waited.

Evan added, through his teeth, “But not... that bad.”

Regulus brightened instantly.

The classroom burst into shouts.

“No!” Sirius yelled. “No, absolutely not, you traitor!”

Evan pointed at him. “You’re one to talk. You let James get away with everything because he smiles at you.”

James gasped. “That’s friendship.”

Lily muttered, “That’s enabling.”

Peter nodded. “Lots of enabling.”

Sirius looked scandalised. “This is not about me.”

Pandora appeared beside him again. “It often is.”

Sirius yelped and scrambled onto the bench.

Marlene was nearly crying. “Pandora, how are you so quiet?”

Pandora looked serene. “Practice.”

Mary whispered, “Terrifying.”

Regulus, pleased with his victory, rewarded Evan by doing the most Regulus thing possible.

He opened his mouth and bit Evan’s arm.

Hard.

Not a delicate bite.

Not a playful little nip.

A proper, sharp, chomping bite into the sleeve of Evan’s robes and the arm beneath, like a beautiful deranged cat deciding affection needed teeth.

Evan did not even flinch.

He just closed his eyes.

“There it is,” he said.

James stared. “Sorry, what?”

Regulus released him, grinned, and bit again slightly higher.

Chomp.

Evan sighed.

Lily’s eyes went wide. “Does he do that often?”

Evan looked at her with the deadened calm of a man who had accepted many things. “Yes.”

Regulus made a pleased little sound and bit his sleeve again.

Chomp.

Peter looked concerned. “Should we stop him?”

Barty waved a hand. “No, this is enrichment.”

Dorcas nodded. “He needs chew toys.”

Regulus lifted his head just enough to glare at her.

Dorcas grinned. “What? You do.”

Regulus bit Evan’s arm again, harder, entirely out of spite.

Evan winced slightly that time, but his hand just tightened at Regulus’s waist to keep him steady on the chair.

“Careful,” Evan said.

Regulus blinked up at him with false innocence.

Evan gave him a look. “Don’t do that.”

Regulus slowly lowered his mouth back to Evan’s sleeve.

“Regulus.”

Chomp.

Evan exhaled through his nose. “Right.”

Sirius, still standing on a bench to avoid Pandora, stared in disbelief. “You let him do that?”

Evan looked over. “You let James talk.”

James shouted, “Again, friendship!”

Sirius opened his mouth, then shut it.

Remus nodded. “Fair point.”

Alice watched Regulus gnawing on Evan’s sleeve with the kind of expression usually reserved for seeing a Kneazle steal cutlery. “Is this romantic?”

Frank considered it. “For them, maybe.”

Mary tilted her head. “It’s weirdly cute.”

Lily gave her a look.

Mary shrugged. “It is.”

Marlene pointed at Regulus. “He’s like an evil little lapdog.”

Regulus released Evan just long enough to say, “I heard that.”

“Good.”

Then he bit Evan again.

Evan looked down at him, lips twitching despite himself. “You’re impossible.”

Regulus’s words came muffled against his sleeve. “You chose this.”

“I did.”

Regulus froze.

The room quieted a little.

Evan seemed to realise what he had said only after he had said it.

Regulus lifted his head.

His grin was smaller now, still sharp, still awful, but glowing with private satisfaction.

“You did,” he said softly.

Evan’s ears pinked again. “Unfortunately.”

Regulus’s eyes gleamed. “You adore me.”

Evan sighed like the burden was unbearable.

Then he bent just slightly and pressed his cheek into Regulus’s hair.

“Unfortunately,” he repeated, voice much quieter, “I do.”

For one second, the classroom was still.

Then Barty made a wounded noise. “That was disgusting. Do it again.”

Dorcas rolled her eyes. “You’re such a hypocrite.”

James clutched Sirius’s arm dramatically despite Sirius being half a desk away. “Pads, why aren’t we like that?”

Sirius stared at him. “Because I don’t bite you in public.”

James opened his mouth.

Lily snapped, “Do not finish that sentence.”

James shut his mouth immediately.

Fabian leaned back, grinning. “This class has everything.”

Gideon counted on his fingers. “Sibling arguments, childhood crimes, public confession, biting, stalking.”

Pandora, still watching Sirius from below his bench, said, “I prefer following.”

Sirius looked down at her. “That is not better.”

Pandora smiled.

Sirius pointed at her. “Stop smiling like that.”

“I’m smiling normally.”

“No, you’re not. You and Regulus both do that face.”

Regulus, still tucked against Evan, said, “We do not.”

Sirius and Evan both snapped, “Yes, you do.”

Another pause.

Sirius looked at Evan.

Evan looked at Sirius.

Their shared suffering, freshly reinforced, stood between them like a solemn handshake.

Sirius nodded once. “Support group.”

Evan nodded back. “Support group.”

Regulus lifted his head. “No.”

Pandora said, “Absolutely not.”

Sirius pointed between them. “See? This is why we need one.”

Pandora placed one hand on the desk in front of him.

Sirius leaned back.

She climbed onto the bench without hurry.

Sirius’s face changed instantly. “No. No, Pandora. No.”

“You used to be braver.”

“I used to be younger and stupid.”

“You’re still one of those.”

James screamed.

Remus covered his mouth.

Mary and Marlene collapsed into each other.

Even Lily lost the battle and laughed openly.

Sirius looked betrayed by the entire universe. “I am being bullied by a Rosier.”

Pandora stepped closer along the bench.

Sirius stepped back along it.

“You’re not even my Rosier!”

Pandora tilted her head, pale hair slipping over one shoulder. “Would that help?”

Regulus, across the room, made a tiny amused sound under his breath.

Nobody else seemed to catch it.

Evan did, barely.

He looked down at Regulus. “What?”

Regulus blinked. “Nothing.”

“That was not nothing.”

“It was air.”

“You know something.”

“I know many things.”

Evan narrowed his eyes.

Regulus gave him the blankest, prettiest expression imaginable.

Evan’s suspicion fought bravely.

It lost.

He sighed and smoothed Regulus’s hair again. “You’re lucky you’re pretty.”

Regulus smiled at once. “You think I’m pretty.”

“I know you’re pretty. That’s the problem.”

Barty made an obnoxious kissy noise.

Regulus grabbed the nearest quill and threw it at him without looking.

It hit Barty in the forehead.

Barty yelped. “Ow!”

Dorcas laughed. “Deserved.”

Regulus settled back into Evan’s hold, pleased, then resumed chewing on his sleeve as if nothing had happened.

Chomp.

Evan looked down. “Regulus.”

Regulus hummed innocently.

“You’re going to leave marks.”

Regulus’s eyes glittered.

Evan sighed. “That was not permission.”

Regulus bit again.

Chomp.

Evan let his head tip back for a second, beseeching the ceiling for strength he clearly did not possess.

Frank leaned toward Alice. “He really doesn’t stop him.”

Alice nodded. “No, he just complains fondly.”

“That’s how you know he’s doomed.”

“Exactly.”

Across the room, Pandora had managed to herd Sirius into a corner between two desks without ever moving faster than a slow stroll.

Sirius looked around for an escape route.

There was none.

James was too busy laughing to help.

Remus was pretending not to enjoy it.

Peter looked alarmed but also too afraid of Pandora to intervene.

Lily was watching with open amusement.

Mary and Marlene were whispering bets.

Fabian and Gideon had started quietly chanting, “Pandora, Pandora, Pandora,” under their breath until Dorcas told them that was weird, and then joined in anyway.

Pandora stood in front of Sirius, hands folded.

Sirius stared at her.

She stared back.

The silence stretched.

Sirius swallowed. “What do you want?”

Pandora smiled.

“Don’t,” Sirius said immediately.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“That’s the problem.”

Pandora leaned slightly closer.

Sirius flattened himself back against the desk. “Regulus!”

Regulus lifted his head from Evan’s arm, mouth still near the bite marks. “What?”

“Call her off!”

Pandora did not look away from Sirius.

Regulus smiled lazily. “Why?”

“Because she’s your friend.”

“She’s not a dog.”

“She is hunting me.”

Pandora said softly, “You’re very dramatic.”

Sirius made a wounded noise. “I am not dramatic. Everyone keeps saying that today, and it’s becoming hurtful.”

James raised a hand. “I say it every day.”

“That is different. You say it with love.”

“I do.”

Lily muttered, “Barely.”

Pandora reached out one finger and poked Sirius lightly in the sleeve.

Sirius jumped like she had stabbed him.

The room exploded again.

Pandora looked satisfied.

“There,” she said. “Still easy.”

Sirius stared at her. “You’re a menace.”

Pandora’s smile softened into something almost pleased. “Thank you.”

Regulus, watching from Evan’s arms, tucked that away with another secret little grin.

Evan noticed again.

This time he leaned down and murmured, “You are absolutely hiding something.”

Regulus murmured back, “You’re paranoid.”

“I grew up around you and Pandora.”

“Fair.”

Evan huffed a laugh despite himself.

Regulus looked delighted by that too and rewarded him with another chomp.

Evan didn’t even bother complaining this time.

He just held him closer, one arm secure around his waist, the other hand combing through his hair to keep it out of his eyes while Regulus gnawed his sleeve like an overindulged little beast.

Sirius, still trapped by Pandora, stared across the room in disbelief.

“Look at him,” he said. “Look at my brother. That is not normal.”

Regulus lifted his head. “You’re standing on a bench because Pandora poked you.”

Sirius paused.

Everyone looked at him.

Pandora poked his sleeve again.

Sirius flinched.

James lost it.

Marlene actually slid halfway off her chair laughing.

Mary grabbed her to keep her upright.

Fabian and Gideon both applauded.

Peter looked between Sirius and Regulus and said, very quietly, “I think they’re both weird.”

The room went quiet for half a breath.

Then Dorcas said, “Correct.”

Lily nodded. “Definitely.”

Remus smiled. “Objectively.”

Alice shrugged. “No argument.”

Frank added, “Different flavours.”

Barty pointed at Regulus. “Elegant feral.”

Then at Sirius. “Loud feral.”

Pandora considered this.

Then pointed at herself. “Quiet feral.”

Evan sighed. “Unfortunately accurate.”

Regulus beamed.

Sirius looked deeply offended. “I am not loud feral.”

“You absolutely are,” James said fondly.

“Traitor.”

“Supportive traitor.”

Pandora stepped down from the bench at last, releasing Sirius from the corner by simple absence.

Sirius did not move for a second, suspicious.

Pandora drifted away.

Sirius slowly lowered himself off the bench like he was descending from a battlefield.

“I hate all of you,” he announced.

“No, you don’t,” James said.

“I could.”

“You won’t.”

“I might.”

“You won’t.”

Regulus, hearing the echo of his own conversation with Evan, glanced at Sirius and smirked.

Sirius pointed at him immediately. “Don’t look at me like that.”

Regulus looked at Evan. “He’s still annoying.”

Evan looked at Sirius, then at Regulus, then down at the bite marks forming through his sleeve.

“I’m not getting involved in brother politics,” he said.

“You already did.”

“I was dragged in.”

“You walked over.”

“You pulled me.”

“You were leaving.”

“I was escaping.”

Regulus grinned and tightened his arms around him. “You failed.”

Evan looked down at him, soft again before he could defend himself.

“I did,” he admitted.

Regulus’s grin turned triumphant.

Evan brushed one final curl away from his eyes, thumb lingering near his cheek with open, helpless affection.

“And now I’m stuck with you.”

Regulus leaned into his hand like a cat accepting worship.

“Yes,” he said.

Evan sighed.

Then, because he was doomed, because everyone in the room knew it, because Regulus knew it most of all, Evan bent and pressed a fond, exasperated kiss to the top of Regulus’s head.

Regulus went very still.

Then he cackled under his breath.

Low.

Creepy.

Delighted.

Sirius pointed across the room again. “That! That is the laugh!”

Regulus immediately bit Evan’s arm once more.

Chomp.

Evan closed his eyes. “Pretty baby, please stop proving them right.”

Regulus grinned around his sleeve.

Pandora, passing behind Sirius once more, whispered, “Too late.”

Sirius shrieked.

And the classroom dissolved all over again.

Evan gave up.

It happened visibly.

One moment he was still standing in front of Regulus’s desk, one arm locked around Regulus’s waist to stop him from slipping off the chair, the other hand half-buried in his hair, trying with increasingly poor success to stop his boyfriend from chewing through his sleeve like an expensive little menace.

The next, Evan closed his eyes, exhaled through his nose, and surrendered to his fate.

“Right,” he said flatly.

Regulus, still kneeling on the chair, looked up with immediate suspicion and far too much delight. “Right?”

Evan opened his eyes.

“You’re going to fall,” he said.

“I am not.”

“You’re biting me on classroom furniture.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“I’m being practical.”

“You’re being boring.”

“I’m being forced into decisions.”

Regulus grinned. “By me?”

“Unfortunately.”

Barty made a soft, reverent noise. “He says that like it’s romantic.”

Dorcas tilted her head. “For them, it is.”

Alice, who had been watching with an expression somewhere between alarm and resignation, said, “I’m starting to understand that everything about them works backwards.”

Frank nodded solemnly. “Biting means affection. Complaining means devotion. Public humiliation means flirting.”

“Exactly,” James said, like Frank had just explained Quidditch tactics.

Lily gave him a sideways look. “Don’t sound like you’re taking notes.”

James straightened. “I’m not.”

Remus glanced at the parchment in front of him. “He is.”

Peter leaned over. “He’s written ‘bite?’ with three question marks.”

Lily snatched the parchment.

James gasped. “Evans!”

Sirius, still trying to recover his dignity after being cornered by Pandora, pointed violently at James. “Do not start biting people because of my brother.”

James looked wounded. “I wasn’t going to.”

“You were considering it.”

“I consider many things.”

“That is why you require supervision.”

Meanwhile, Evan sat down.

It was not graceful so much as decisive. He dropped into the chair behind him, caught Regulus by the waist before Regulus could complain, and pulled him down with him in one smooth motion.

Regulus made a surprised little sound as he was tugged from the chair and onto Evan’s lap, landing astride him with his knees bracketing Evan’s thighs, his hands flying automatically to Evan’s shoulders to steady himself.

The classroom went quiet for half a second.

Then Mary made a noise.

A very small noise.

The sort of noise made by someone who had just witnessed something indecently romantic and was trying not to explode about it.

Marlene’s hand shot out and clamped around Mary’s wrist. “Don’t.”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“You were about to squeal.”

“I was not.”

“You inhaled like a kettle.”

“I have lungs, Marlene.”

“You have no subtlety.”

Regulus, for his part, recovered instantly.

The shock left his face.

The grin came back.

Slowly.

Horribly.

Triumphantly.

“Oh,” he said, soft and delighted. “Hello.”

Evan tightened both arms around him before he could wriggle anywhere dangerous. “No.”

Regulus blinked. “No what?”

“No whatever that face means.”

“This is just my face.”

“It has never once been just your face.”

Sirius threw both hands up. “THANK YOU.”

Pandora, who had been standing too close behind Sirius again without him noticing, said softly, “It is a meaningful face.”

Sirius shrieked and jolted forward so hard he nearly collided with Remus.

Remus lifted his hands. “Please stop using me as a panic barrier.”

“She keeps appearing!” Sirius snapped.

Pandora blinked. “I was already here.”

“You were not.”

“I was.”

“You are rewriting reality.”

“I’m standing.”

“You are haunting!”

Pandora smiled faintly.

Sirius backed into James.

James, delighted by every terrible second of this, held him by the shoulders like a human shield facing the wrong direction. “Padfoot, mate, I think she likes you.”

Sirius barked a laugh. “No, she doesn’t. She’s just weird.”

Regulus, from Evan’s lap, made a sound.

Tiny.

Choked.

Amused.

He pressed his face briefly into Evan’s shoulder like he was trying to hide it.

Evan looked down at him immediately. “What?”

Regulus shook his head against him.

Evan narrowed his eyes. “What do you know?”

Regulus lifted his face. “Nothing.”

“You’re lying.”

“Constantly.”

“That was not comforting.”

Regulus smiled sweetly and nuzzled into Evan’s shoulder, arms sliding properly around his neck now. He looked entirely comfortable there, tucked close, warm and smug and still vibrating with trouble.

Then he bit Evan’s shoulder.

Hard.

Evan closed his eyes.

Again.

“Regulus.”

Regulus hummed against his robes.

“You cannot keep biting me whenever you’re pleased with yourself.”

Regulus bit him again.

Chomp.

Evan’s jaw tightened. “That wasn’t a challenge.”

Barty, watching like he had bought a ticket, leaned toward Dorcas. “Do you think he knows he could move him?”

Dorcas gave him a look. “Evan?”

“Yes.”

“He knows.”

“Then why doesn’t he?”

Dorcas’s smile sharpened. “Because he doesn’t want to.”

Evan heard that.

His ears went pink.

Regulus lifted his head with immediate predatory interest.

“You don’t want to,” Regulus cooed.

Evan looked down at him. “Don’t start.”

“You like it.”

“I tolerate it.”

“You adore it.”

“I tolerate you.”

“You adore me.”

Evan sighed, and that was his first mistake.

His second was letting his expression soften.

His third was reaching up to hold Regulus’s face.

Not gently, exactly.

Firmly.

One hand caught Regulus’s chin, fingers pressing lightly against his jaw, holding him still when he started to grin wider and duck in for another bite. Evan gave his head a tiny shake, not enough to hurt, just enough to make Regulus’s curls bounce and his eyes widen with delighted offence.

“Stay still,” Evan murmured.

Regulus blinked.

The entire classroom collectively leaned forward.

Even Sirius stopped panicking for half a second.

Evan’s thumb brushed Regulus’s chin, keeping his face tipped up.

“You are,” Evan said quietly, with the bone-deep exhaustion of someone speaking a truth he had been forced to accept, “the most impossible, irritating, sharp-toothed little nightmare I have ever met.”

Regulus looked pleased.

“You are a pain,” Evan continued.

Regulus looked more pleased.

“You were a pain when we were seven. You were a pain when you hid under my bed. You were a pain when you made the mirror scream. You were a pain when you put whispers in the walls. You were a pain when you chased me through my own house like a deranged garden gnome with better cheekbones.”

James made a strangled noise.

Mary slapped both hands over her mouth.

Marlene whispered, “Better cheekbones.”

Fabian whispered, “Write that down too.”

Gideon, already writing, nodded solemnly.

Regulus’s grin had turned enormous.

Evan shook his head again, holding his chin. “Do not look proud.”

“I am proud.”

“That is the problem.”

“You said I had good cheekbones.”

“I said you were deranged.”

“With good cheekbones.”

Evan sighed like the world had personally wronged him.

Then his voice softened.

“And I love you.”

The room went still.

Regulus froze.

Not long.

Not obviously.

But enough.

Enough that Evan felt it.

Enough that Sirius saw it and stopped looking offended.

Enough that Lily’s expression gentled.

Enough that Alice smiled faintly, despite herself.

Enough that Barty’s grin shifted from mocking to delighted.

Enough that Dorcas looked briefly, quietly pleased for them before hiding it under a smirk.

Regulus blinked once.

Evan kept hold of his chin, eyes fixed on his.

“I love you,” he repeated, lower now. “Even when you’re a menace. Especially when you’re a menace, apparently, because I have terrible judgement.”

Regulus’s mouth twitched.

“You’re mine,” Evan said, voice still soft, still exasperated, still entirely helpless. “My pretty little nightmare. My sharp little pest. My ridiculous, feral, impossible baby.”

Sirius made a loud retching noise.

“Oh, that is my brother.”

James grabbed Sirius around the shoulders. “Let them have their moment.”

“That is my little brother being called a feral baby in public.”

Remus looked at Sirius dryly. “You have called James worse in public.”

Sirius opened his mouth.

James looked thrilled. “Have you?”

“No.”

Lily said, “Yes.”

Peter nodded. “Many times.”

Sirius looked betrayed. “Why does everyone remember everything today?”

Pandora, still behind him, whispered, “Because you’re loud.”

Sirius jumped again. “STOP DOING THAT.”

Regulus, still held by the chin, burst into laughter.

It bubbled out of him fast and bright, sharp at the edges. He laughed so suddenly that Evan’s hand slipped from his chin to his cheek, steadying him as he curled forward, face half-hidden against Evan’s neck.

Evan stared down at him. “What now?”

Regulus just laughed harder.

Not polite laughter.

Not pretty laughter.

A nasty little cackle, gleeful and breathless and entirely unhelpful.

Barty sat up straighter. “He knows something.”

Dorcas pointed at Regulus. “He absolutely knows something.”

Lily narrowed her eyes. “That’s a secret laugh.”

Mary nodded. “That’s a ‘someone is about to be emotionally attacked’ laugh.”

Marlene grinned. “Good. About time.”

Sirius, still trying to pry Pandora off the edges of his personal space, squinted at his brother. “What?”

Regulus only grinned.

It made Sirius instantly suspicious.

“No,” Sirius said.

Regulus’s grin widened.

“No. Whatever it is, no.”

Pandora, apparently taking Evan’s public affection as encouragement from the universe itself, finally went further.

She slipped behind Sirius and clung to him.

Not violently.

Not roughly.

Just suddenly.

Arms around his middle from behind, cheek almost against his shoulder, pale hair brushing against his black robes.

Sirius screamed.

Not yelled.

Screamed.

Full-bodied, dramatic, horrifyingly loud.

James nearly fell over laughing.

Remus flinched and pressed two fingers to his temple. “Sirius.”

“She’s on me!”

Pandora’s arms tightened slightly.

Sirius flailed.

“PANDORA.”

She rested her chin near his shoulder with eerie calm. “You’re warm.”

Sirius made a sound that no human throat should have produced. “WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?”

Pandora blinked. “Because you are.”

“That’s creepy!”

“I noticed.”

“Creepy!”

“I was complimenting you.”

“That is not how compliments work!”

Pandora considered this. “Your pulse is fast.”

Sirius’s eyes went huge. “STOP NOTICING MY PULSE.”

James had folded over the desk.

Peter looked genuinely concerned. “Should we help him?”

Marlene wiped tears from her eyes. “No.”

Mary shook her head. “Definitely not.”

Alice looked conflicted. “Maybe a little?”

Frank watched Sirius spin in place while Pandora stayed attached to him like a quiet, terrifying cloak. “I don’t think he’s in danger.”

Lily nodded slowly. “Only emotionally.”

Barty gestured at Pandora with delight. “She’s got technique.”

Dorcas gave him a sideways look. “You think that’s technique?”

“I think it’s something.”

Remus, with great effort, said, “Pandora, perhaps give him some space.”

Pandora looked at Remus over Sirius’s shoulder. “Why?”

“Because he appears distressed.”

Sirius shouted, “APPEARS?”

Pandora glanced at him. “You’re always loud.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m fine!”

Regulus was gone.

Completely gone.

He was laughing so hard against Evan’s shoulder that his whole body shook. Evan had to hold him tighter with one arm around his waist and one hand braced against his back so he did not slip sideways off his lap.

“Regulus,” Evan said, half-amused despite himself. “What is funny?”

Regulus tried to answer.

Failed.

Laughed again.

Evan’s brows drew together. “Is this about Pandora?”

Regulus cackled.

Pandora, still wrapped around Sirius from behind, looked at Regulus with mild interest.

Sirius looked at Regulus in rising horror.

“What?” Sirius demanded. “What is it? What does he know? Why is he laughing like that?”

Regulus lifted his head at last.

His face was flushed from laughing, eyes bright, curls mussed from Evan’s hands and his own movement. He looked young and wicked and beautiful and thoroughly awful.

He pointed at Sirius.

Then at Pandora.

Then, in a bright, singsong voice, began, “Sirius and Pandora, sitting in a tree—”

Pandora grinned.

Sirius froze.

Everyone else stared.

Regulus continued, absolutely delighted, “K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

James’s mouth dropped open.

Mary gasped so hard she nearly swallowed air wrong.

Marlene slapped the desk.

Peter whispered, “Oh.”

Remus blinked.

Lily’s eyes snapped to Pandora.

Alice sat upright.

Frank’s brows rose.

Fabian and Gideon both turned slowly toward Sirius like owls scenting drama.

Barty clapped both hands over his mouth.

Dorcas went very, very still.

Evan stared at Regulus.

Then at Pandora.

Then at Sirius.

Then back at Regulus.

“Oh,” Evan said.

Regulus grinned like a knife.

Sirius, meanwhile, looked as if someone had dropped him from a tower.

“What,” he said.

Pandora, still holding him from behind, looked only faintly pink.

But she was smiling.

Small.

Dreamy.

Pleased.

“What,” Sirius repeated, higher this time.

Regulus settled more comfortably on Evan’s lap, looking obscenely satisfied. Evan’s arms tightened around him automatically, though his face had gone blank with shock.

Regulus pointed lazily at Pandora. “She has had a crush on you since we were little.”

The silence that followed was catastrophic.

Sirius stopped breathing.

James stopped laughing.

Remus lowered his hand from his face.

Peter’s eyes looked like saucers.

Lily’s mouth parted slightly.

Mary whispered, “No way.”

Marlene whispered, “Way.”

Alice looked at Pandora with dawning understanding.

Frank looked at Sirius with sympathy.

Fabian whispered, “Plot twist.”

Gideon whispered, “Childhood trauma romance sequel.”

Barty’s eyes shone. “This is incredible.”

Dorcas’s smirk returned slowly. “Well. That explains the haunting.”

Sirius slowly turned his head as much as Pandora’s cling allowed.

Pandora looked back at him from very close range.

Too close, really.

Because she was still attached to him.

“You,” Sirius said carefully, voice cracked and disbelieving, “have had a crush on me?”

Pandora blinked.

“Yes.”

Sirius stared.

She stared back.

“You chased me through houses,” Sirius said.

“You ran.”

“You whispered at me through curtains.”

“You answered.”

“You stood outside the bathroom door and told me you could hear my heartbeat.”

“I could.”

Sirius looked like his soul had just left his body, disliked the weather outside, and returned confused. “That was flirting?”

Pandora tilted her head. “Yes.”

Sirius opened his mouth.

Closed it.

Opened it again.

Nothing came out.

James slowly raised a finger. “To be fair—”

Lily said, “Do not.”

James lowered his finger.

Remus cleared his throat. “Pandora, I’m not sure most people would interpret those things as flirting.”

Pandora frowned slightly.

Then she looked at Regulus.

Regulus, still grinning, shrugged. “I understood you.”

Evan looked down at him. “Because she flirts like you.”

Regulus’s grin sharpened.

Pandora nodded. “Regulus was my only reference.”

The room erupted.

Sirius wheezed. “YOUR ONLY REFERENCE?”

Regulus looked offended. “I flirt perfectly well.”

Evan stared at him.

Barty stared at him.

Dorcas stared at him.

Lily stared at him.

Mary stared at him.

Marlene stared at him.

Alice stared at him.

Frank stared at him.

Fabian and Gideon stared at him.

Peter, very softly, said, “You bite people.”

Regulus lifted his chin. “Successfully.”

Evan’s face did something helpless and fond.

“Unfortunately,” he said, “he has a point.”

Sirius looked at Evan like he had personally betrayed him. “Do not validate this.”

Evan shrugged, still holding Regulus close. “I’m dating him.”

“That proves your judgement is compromised.”

“It absolutely is,” Evan said.

Regulus beamed.

Pandora, seeming encouraged by this entire disaster, tightened her arms around Sirius again.

Sirius jerked. “Pandora.”

“Yes?”

“You can’t just cling to me after announcing you fancy me.”

“You know now.”

“That does not make it less alarming!”

Pandora considered this. “I thought it might.”

“It does not!”

She leaned a little closer, voice soft near his ear. “Your hair smells like smoke.”

Sirius’s eyes went enormous.

James made a strangled, delighted sound.

Mary whispered, “She really thinks she’s flirting.”

Lily whispered back, “She absolutely does.”

Marlene whispered, “I’m obsessed.”

Alice pressed her lips together, trying not to laugh. “It’s slightly sweet.”

Frank said, “And very unsettling.”

Dorcas nodded. “That’s the Rosier brand.”

Barty turned to Evan. “Is that your family motto?”

Evan said, “Apparently.”

Sirius was still processing.

His hands hovered awkwardly in the air because Pandora’s arms were around him and he seemed completely unsure what to do with his own limbs.

“I,” Sirius said slowly, “had no idea.”

Pandora blinked again. “I was obvious.”

Sirius’s head snapped around as much as it could. “Obvious?”

“Yes.”

“You once put a beetle in my teacup and told me it matched my eyes.”

Pandora smiled faintly. “It did.”

“That was flirting?”

“Yes.”

James collapsed again.

Remus covered his mouth.

Peter whispered, “Oh my God.”

Lily hid a smile behind her hand.

Mary and Marlene were practically vibrating.

Fabian pointed at Gideon’s parchment. “New score.”

Gideon nodded gravely. “Pandora: horrifying but sincere.”

Fabian added, “Sirius: oblivious beyond medical help.”

Sirius whipped around. “I heard that.”

“You were meant to,” Fabian said.

Regulus was still watching with blazing amusement, tucked against Evan like a smug little prince on a throne made of his boyfriend’s poor judgement.

“You’re hopeless,” Regulus told Sirius.

Sirius stared at him. “I’m hopeless?”

“Yes.”

“You bite your boyfriend in public.”

Regulus smiled. “He likes it.”

Evan said, “Don’t answer for me.”

Regulus looked at him.

Evan lasted three seconds.

“Fine,” he muttered. “I tolerate it.”

Regulus turned back to Sirius, triumphant. “He tolerates it.”

“That is not the same thing.”

“It is, for Evan.”

Evan sighed and kissed Regulus’s temple just to shut him up.

It did not work.

Regulus immediately looked delighted.

Sirius, however, was still frozen in Pandora’s arms, visibly trapped between panic, confusion, flattery, and the dawning horror that the person who had been haunting him for years might have been attempting romance the entire time.

Pandora rested her cheek lightly against his shoulder.

Sirius stiffened again, but not as violently.

That was new.

Everyone noticed.

James’s grin turned dangerous. “Pads.”

Sirius pointed at him without looking. “Don’t.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You’re thinking loudly.”

“That’s usually your thing.”

“James.”

“What?”

“Don’t.”

James pressed his lips together and turned bright red with suppressed laughter.

Pandora looked up at Sirius. “Do you want me to let go?”

The question, soft and almost ordinary, caught the room strangely.

Sirius blinked.

For the first time since she had attached herself to him, she looked like she might actually move if he said yes.

Sirius stared at the wall in front of him as though it contained instructions.

“I—” he began.

Then stopped.

Regulus’s grin faded by half an inch.

Only half.

But enough to sharpen.

He sat up straighter on Evan’s lap.

Evan felt it immediately, hands tightening at his waist. “Regulus.”

Regulus did not look at him.

His eyes were on Sirius now.

Cool.

Bright.

Threatening in the calm, casual way that somehow felt worse than shouting.

“Sirius,” Regulus said pleasantly.

Sirius looked over.

Regulus smiled.

It was not nice.

“If you don’t like her back, I’ll hunt you.”

The room froze.

Pandora looked delighted.

Evan closed his eyes. “Regulus.”

Barty whispered, “There he is.”

Dorcas muttered, “Elegant feral.”

Mary looked between Sirius and Regulus. “Did he just threaten his brother over Pandora?”

Marlene nodded. “Romantically, somehow.”

Alice sighed. “That is not how you help.”

Frank grimaced. “No, but it is very on brand.”

Lily pointed at Regulus. “You cannot threaten someone into returning feelings.”

Regulus looked at her. “I didn’t say he had to. I said I’d hunt him.”

“That is not better!”

Remus leaned forward, voice calm but amused. “Regulus, perhaps allow Sirius to respond without the threat of being hunted.”

Regulus considered this.

Then looked at Sirius again.

“Fine,” he said. “Respond.”

Sirius stared at him. “You are insane.”

“You’re stalling.”

“I am processing.”

“Faster.”

Pandora, still behind Sirius, said softly, “You don’t have to.”

That shut Regulus up.

It also shut everyone else up.

Sirius turned his head again.

Pandora’s arms were still around him, but looser now. Her expression had changed. Still strange. Still doll-like. Still Pandora. But beneath it, there was something uncertain tucked away like a candle in a locked room.

“I thought you knew,” she said.

Sirius swallowed.

“I did not know.”

Pandora nodded once. “Oh.”

It was such a small sound.

Regulus’s eyes narrowed at Sirius again instantly.

Evan muttered, “Do not hunt him.”

Regulus muttered back, “I might.”

“You won’t.”

“I could.”

“You’re on my lap.”

“I can hunt from here.”

Evan tightened both arms around him. “No, you can’t.”

Regulus huffed.

Sirius stood very still.

For once, he did not perform.

Did not toss his hair, did not grin, did not turn the moment into a joke before it could touch him.

He looked awkward.

Completely, painfully awkward.

Which somehow made the whole room lean in harder.

James looked at him with a softness he rarely wore in public.

Remus watched carefully.

Peter gnawed at his lip.

Lily’s expression gentled.

Mary and Marlene had gone quiet, though Mary still held Marlene’s sleeve.

Alice sat with her hands folded, attentive.

Frank’s brow creased in sympathy.

Fabian and Gideon stopped writing.

Barty and Dorcas exchanged one glance and, for once, said nothing.

Sirius finally looked at Pandora properly.

“You terrified me,” he said.

Pandora blinked. “Yes.”

“You still terrify me.”

“Yes.”

“You are very strange.”

“Yes.”

“You whisper like a ghost.”

“I know.”

“You follow people like you’re about to curse their bloodline.”

Pandora considered this. “Sometimes I am.”

Sirius made a small, helpless sound.

Then, to everyone’s astonishment, he laughed.

Not loudly.

Not dramatically.

Just once, under his breath.

A little disbelieving laugh.

Pandora watched him like she had discovered a new spell.

Sirius rubbed a hand over his face. “Merlin.”

Regulus leaned forward. “Answer.”

Evan pinched his side.

Regulus jerked. “Ow.”

“Stop threatening the moment.”

“I’m supporting her.”

“You are making it worse.”

Pandora’s gaze flicked to Regulus, fond and faintly amused.

Then back to Sirius.

Sirius looked at her arms around him.

Then at her face.

Then at Regulus, who was visibly prepared to commit violence for her honour from the comfort of Evan’s lap.

Then at Evan, who silently mouthed, Don’t make it worse.

Sirius seemed to decide that was impossible.

“I don’t know,” Sirius admitted.

Pandora tilted her head.

He rushed on, “Not in a bad way. Just in a— I have apparently spent years thinking you were trying to psychologically dismantle me, and now I’m being told it was flirting.”

“It was,” Pandora said.

“Yes, well, you can understand my confusion.”

Pandora nodded seriously. “I can.”

Sirius blinked. “You can?”

“Regulus says my flirting is an acquired taste.”

Regulus shrugged. “It is.”

Evan muttered, “So is yours.”

Regulus grinned at him. “You acquired it.”

“Against my better judgement.”

“But thoroughly.”

Evan did not deny it.

Sirius took a breath.

Pandora loosened her arms another little fraction.

Sirius did not step away.

James saw it.

So did Lily.

So did Remus.

So did Regulus, whose sharp little grin returned slowly, knowingly, wickedly.

Sirius looked down, then back at Pandora, cheeks faintly pink in a way that made James’s eyebrows shoot up.

“I don’t dislike you,” Sirius said carefully.

Pandora’s eyes widened a little.

Sirius immediately looked panicked. “That is not a proposal.”

Pandora nodded. “All right.”

“It’s just— you are… interesting.”

Mary silently screamed into Marlene’s shoulder.

Marlene silently shook her.

Sirius continued, struggling like a man writing poetry at wandpoint. “And weird.”

Pandora smiled.

“And creepy.”

Her smile grew.

“And apparently you’ve liked me for ages, which is—” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Merlin. That is something.”

Regulus said, “He’s blushing.”

“I am not!” Sirius snapped.

James stared at him. “You fully are.”

Sirius pointed at James. “You are not helping.”

“I’m witnessing.”

“You’re enjoying.”

“Both can be true.”

Pandora leaned slightly closer again, slower this time. “Can I keep holding you?”

Sirius went still.

His mouth opened.

Closed.

Opened again.

Then he muttered, “For now.”

Pandora’s face lit up.

Not dramatically.

Not with a normal, bright grin.

Just a tiny, strange, private kind of happiness that shifted her whole face by a few degrees and somehow made her look less haunting and more like a girl who had been handed something fragile she had wanted for years.

Regulus saw it.

His expression softened for half a second.

Then he immediately ruined the tenderness by turning to Evan and whispering, far too loudly, “I’m still hunting him if he’s mean.”

Evan put his hand over Regulus’s mouth.

Regulus bit his palm.

Evan did not even react.

James shouted, “He bit him again!”

Evan looked exhausted. “Yes.”

Alice stared. “Your pain tolerance is concerning.”

“My life choices are concerning.”

Regulus licked Evan’s palm just to be difficult.

Evan yanked his hand back. “Absolutely not.”

Regulus cackled.

Barty nearly fell sideways. “He’s impossible.”

Dorcas looked at Evan. “And you love him.”

Evan looked down at Regulus, who was still grinning like a demon prince while cuddled securely against his chest.

His expression softened again, helpless as tidewater.

“Yes,” Evan said.

Regulus preened.

Sirius groaned. “Stop being adorable and disturbing at the same time.”

Pandora, still wrapped around him from behind, whispered, “You’re adorable when distressed.”

Sirius’s entire face went red.

The room burst into laughter.

Regulus threw his head back and laughed loudest of all, clinging to Evan so he did not topple backward.

Evan held him tight, kissed his cheek once, then his temple, then the corner of his jaw, each one quick and fond and exasperated.

“Pain,” Evan murmured between kisses.

Regulus grinned.

“Kneazle.”

Another kiss.

“Menace.”

Another.

“My menace.”

Regulus’s sharp grin softened into something unbearably pleased before he hid it by biting Evan’s shoulder again.

Sirius watched them, then looked down at Pandora’s arms around his middle.

Pandora rested her chin lightly against his shoulder again.

This time, Sirius only flinched a little.

James noticed and looked ready to combust.

Lily elbowed him sharply before he could say anything stupid.

Remus smiled into his hand.

Peter whispered, “That’s kind of nice.”

Mary whispered, “It’s unhinged.”

Marlene whispered, “That’s what makes it nice.”

Fabian nodded sagely. “Two family romances happening at once.”

Gideon added, “Both alarming.”

Alice sighed. “Somehow still sweet.”

Frank glanced around the room, at Regulus on Evan’s lap, Pandora clinging to Sirius, James vibrating with gossip, Lily pretending not to love the drama, Remus failing not to smile, Peter wide-eyed, Mary and Marlene clinging to each other with excitement, Fabian and Gideon documenting the chaos, Barty grinning like a lunatic, Dorcas watching like she had known all along.

“Honestly,” Frank said, “I think this is the most productive lesson we’ve had all week.”

Sirius turned his head slightly toward Pandora, still red, still confused, still trying to act less affected than he was.

“So,” he said awkwardly.

Pandora looked at him.

“If this is flirting,” Sirius said, “what does normal conversation look like?”

Pandora thought about it.

Then said, “I don’t know.”

Regulus, from Evan’s lap, grinned.

“Neither do I,” he said.

Evan rested his chin lightly on top of Regulus’s head and sighed.

“That,” he said, “is painfully obvious.”

Regulus bit him again.

Pandora smiled into Sirius’s shoulder.

Sirius made a faint, strangled sound, but he did not move away.

And Regulus, sharp-eyed and smug and curled securely in the arms of the boy who had loved him since they were children, watched his best friend cling to his brother like a shadow pretending to be a love letter, and laughed under his breath like the whole world had become exactly as ridiculous as he always knew it could be.