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Juhoon watches the lights flashing by repeatedly like a movie through the van window. There's only a faint noise from the car radio their manager turned on.
He looks ahead, where he sees James's head resting on the headrest of the front seat. From where he is, Juhoon can't tell if he's asleep or not.
He unlocks his phone again.
'Why does James always have to be the one left out?'
Thousands of views and hundreds of likes.
He locks the screen again. His chest tightens.
Juhoon sighs.
-
The comeback is exhausting. It's the best and worst time for them, especially with the huge numbers they've been getting. But exhaustion is inevitable.
So, when they get home, there isn't much conversation before they part ways and go to their rooms, just grumbles of 'I'll go first today', 'you literally went first yesterday, Keonho', tired sighs, and barely contained giggles.
James has already gone to their room.
When Juhoon enters, the older boy is lying facing the opposite wall. He's still in his stage clothes, so Juhoon knows he hasn't gone to bed yet.
"You can use the bathroom," he says quietly, sounding sleepy, but a little strange too.
Juhoon goes with a heavy heart, hurrying to be as quick as possible.
When James returns to the room after taking his own shower, he's still quiet, just like on the way back. But more so than usual, Juhoon notices.
Juhoon lowers his phone to his chest, watching as James sits on the edge of the bed. Only the city light streaming through the door to their bedroom balcony prevents them from being in complete darkness.
James stares at his phone for a minute, and Juhoon watches his back move as he lets out a long breath; only the right side of his body is partially illuminated in the dim light.
The silence in the apartment is disturbed only by the occasional sounds of trucks and cars in the distance, almost like a distant dream.
The older boy scrolls through his phone for a while as Juhoon waits and prays that he isn't seeing all that nonsense. Normally, he doesn't express much of what he thinks about things that Juhoon knows hurt him; it took James a long time to let either of them see the slightest trace of vulnerability in him. Even today, he will never talk about anything.
Juhoon wishes he would.
After a while, James locks the screen, leaving his phone on the bed. He remains seated on the edge, looking out the window and at the city outside. Juhoon feels a pain in his chest.
He definitely saw it.
"Hyung..." he whispers.
James doesn't move his head to look at him in the darkness. He takes a beat to respond. "hm?"
Juhoon sits up in bed, restless.
'James is always being left out.' 'I'm tired of this 08z and 09z thing, when are they going to realize that it hurts James?' 'I can see that he's upset.'
He thinks about what to do for a minute.
There's no guarantee that James will speak if Juhoon questions him; he'll probably shut down on the subject and wake up tomorrow as if it never bothered him in the first place. Pretending.
He's good at it.
Then, silently, Juhoon gets up and cautiously climbs onto the bed next to his. James doesn't move as Juhoon silently moves on his knees to stand behind the older boy.
His head doesn't turn fully, just a slight movement to perhaps confirm that it's Juhoon who's millimeters away from him. Then he looks ahead again.
Juhoon breathes nervously; his heart racing.
They stand there for a while, in silence, even though there are so many things Juhoon wants to say.
He doesn't know how much longer he can hold on; how many more words his heart can keep, before everything explodes, before the barrier breaks.
He moves. He lowers his hips so that he is at the same height as the other boy.
Then, he carefully lets his forehead rest on the back of his neck.
His heart beats so hard it almost hurts.
James's breathing changes.
It's not usual for them, physical contact like this.
Juhoon doesn't know how to do this when it's just the two of them. Not like Seonghyeon and Keonho. Not naturally.
Not that he doesn't want to be closer to him than a friend should want to be. Not that he doesn't want each of their touches to last longer. Not that he doesn't want James to pull him closer. Not that he doesn't want to feel more of his skin against his that it almost makes him sick.
Because he does.
But sometimes he thinks it would be easier to solve the theory of relativity than to do all these things.
But he's here now.
And James doesn't move for a moment. This almost makes Juhoon get up and go back to his bed.
But then there's a small sigh. He feels James's body relax a little under his forehead.
It's as if bonds have been loosened from his chest.
Juhoon feels such relief that he lets out a deep breath.
James accepted it.
He moves his face, just a little, careful and hesitant, slowly running his nose over the still slightly damp skin from the shower. He smells of their shower gel.
James sighs softly.
It's as if fireworks are exploding inside Juhoon's chest. He closes his eyes for a moment, almost too excited.
Juhoon hopes James understands him.
When he feels a hand on his wrist, his heart almost sinks. But James only uses it to pull him closer. It's almost shy; hesitant. As if he's afraid to ask.
Juhoon feels such relief that he wants to cry..
Then, bravely he slowly places his hand around his waist, just letting it rest there for a moment, just breathing for a moment before wrapping both arms around the firmer body. James almost looks scared.
They share a breath.
He squeezes him even tighter, clinging to him when he realizes he's not going to pull away.
"Juhoonie?" he whispers.
Not a reprimand.
Juhoon tightens his grip on him , resting his head on his shoulder.
James slowly moves his hands to place them on Juhoon's arms. The last reserve.
"I never..." Juhoon begins weakly. "never want you to feel excluded." he forces himself to say, even though it embarrasses him to say it. "please... don't believe them."
It's strange. The contact. The physical intimacy like this.
Juhoon doesn't want to pull away ever again.
James lets his head tilt slowly, as if making some space for Juhoon to rest his head.
They stay there for a long moment. Juhoon keeps the grip around him, smelling the soft scent of bathwater and the scent of fabric softener on his clothes. It's so good. James lets it all the time.
"Is that why...?"
Juhoon's brain takes a second to process it.
"No," he says almost too quickly. Then, a little calmer, "...not just because of that," he whispers against the cotton fabric.
They move together as James takes a deep breath.
"Okay."
-
When they go to bed, a few minutes later, James speaks when Juhoon is kneeling on his own bed. "Juhoon-ah..." Juhoon looks at him, or at the outline of him. "You want..." he pauses. "you would sleep here tonight?"
There's so much shyness in his tone, but also a vulnerability that's so rare to hear from him.
"I..." Juhoon can't finish. Then he nods quickly, feeling the corners of his eyes burn a little.
Then he lies down on the small bed with James. He feels like he has too many emotions that he can't handle at the moment; too much to absorb. But, amidst all the confusion, he wants, longs for one thing.
"You... want to hug me?" he says, heart in his throat, breath short.
James breathes behind him.
Then there are strong arms, hesitantly snaking around his waist, then James's chest is against his back and Juhoon almost sobs.
It's as if they're slowly fitting together the pieces of a difficult puzzle.
Juhoon can't help but move back, just a little. James rests his forehead against his neck.
"Thank you, Juhoonie," he whispers.
The hairs on his neck stand on end.
"You're very important...you're the most important person to me."
He confesses. He can handle this tomorrow.
James squeezes him, almost sending him into a heart attack.
"You're the most important person to me too." Then Juhoon feels a gentle pressure of lips against his neck. He sobs this time. James chuckles softly. "Thank you for being everything I need most," he says tenderly.
Juhoon sighs, his eyes welling up with tears and his heart warmed.
"I'll always be here... whenever you want me."
James places his hand on the left side of his chest, holding Juhoon's hand right over his heart. He nods against Juhoon's neck.
"Goodnight Juhoon-ah," he whispers after a while.
"Goodnight hyung."
They slowly fall asleep.
The end.