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Batman sat up in bed. Moonlight streamed through the window, giving the room a soft glow. He turned to look beside him. Joker was smoking a cigarette. Batman pointed to the moon, “Is it really true that Harley’s up there now?”
“Yeah, I rocketed her a month or so ago,” Joker grinned. “I think the moonbase suits her just fine, plus she’s got her leafy broad with her. There can only be one clown in town after all, right Batsy?” Joker batted his eyelashes in a horrendous fashion.
“That’s right, Joker,” Batman got out of bed and started putting on his suit. Joker frowned at him.
“Leaving so soon?”
“Gotham needs me.”
“Same time tomorrow?”
“Of course.”
— — — — —
Batman stood atop a pristine office skyscraper, watching for a crime to inevitably unfold. Sure enough, he spotted a group of thieves trying to break into the nearest bank. How creative. “Damn this city,” he growled. “Damn it to heck.”
He swooped down from his perch and yelled at the criminals, “You aren’t supposed to be doing that, it isn't nice!” He then proceeded to beat them up, because Batman is very kind.
POW BLAM WHACK BANG CRASH SNAP
“There,” he huffed, backing up to admire his good deed. The group was sprawled across the concrete, bones broken and spilled blood staining the ground. “You’ve been hit by, you’ve been struck by, a smooth Batman,” he unfortunately said as the last thief lost consciousness. “Well, back to the Batcave I suppose.”
He drove to the manor thinking about his dead parents, who died.
Batman parked the Batmobile into its Batparkingspace and was greeted by Alfred. “Hello, Master Bruce, stop any crimes today?”
“Yes, Alfred. I sure did. And it was epic awesomesauce. I bet Commissioner Gordon is so proud of me.”
“Oh, Bruce, you didn’t see the news?” Alfred looked at him with pity. “Come now, we’ll watch it together.” Alfred led them to the giant Batscreen in the Batcave, drew in a Batbreath, and turned on the Batnews.
The reporter read her script with no emotion, despite how devastating the news would be for anyone tuning in. “This evening at 9, Gotham’s beloved Commissioner was found dead. Reports say he slipped in an unusually large patch of loose ketchup and fell on some misplaced knives, but no one saw he was bleeding out because of all the ketchup that was everywhere on the ground and on him. This tragedy and Commissioner Gordon will be remembered in our hearts forever.”
Bruce stared up at the screen, shocked. “Oh my Bats,” he whispered. “That’s awful! Alfred, we need to do something.” Bruce turned and pointed to the news report. “We have to kill whoever did this!”
Alfred sadly shook his head. “Remember, Master Bruce,” he said Britishly, “it was only ketchup. And Condiment King has been living in Fair City under a new name for a number of years now, it couldn’t have been him. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing to be done.”
“This is exactly like my parents but different!” Bruce wailed, “People can’t keep dying, it makes me sad! I’m Batman! I’m important! Important people can’t be sad,” he tried to reason. His sobbing fit was cut short by the Batscreen.
“This just in, Superman has turned evil, there’s evil kryptonite and it turned him evil, so he’s evil now. This is so worrying I have completely forgotten whatever the last report was about. If only someone could stop him!”
Bruce looked up at the screen, then at Alfred. “This looks like a job for Batman.” Then he batted all over the place. “I need to get my super awesome crime-fighting kids,” Bruce realized. “It’s not child labor if it’s to help me.” He called out to his army of children, “Damian, Dick, Jason, Gregory, Rachel, Batgirl, Robin- ah shit you’re all Robin, Ringo, Quinton, Bruce jr., Joker jr., George, John, Sudoku, Ricky, Samantha! To the Batcave!”
With his children gathered around him, Bruce came up with a convoluted plan. “Okay children, here’s the plan...”
— — — — —
The Plan was set in motion. They all turned into bats and got into the BatBatmobile, which is like the Batmobile but for bats, and drove off to find Evil Superman.
Evil Superman was gnawing on one of Gotham Bridge’s support beams. He looked the same as usual except he now had glowing pink eyes. Batman noticed this and turned to Jason, “I could’ve sworn the pink kryptonite made him gay. What’s up with that?”
Jason shrugged and replied, “I don’t really think that’s relevant. Gotham Bridge is going to fall down whether he’s gay or not.”
“This is true,” Bruce conceded, looking back towards the bridge. “We need to get those civilians off of it before it collapses, I don't want people dying. My parents did that once and it sucked.” He sniffled.
“Uh, Dad?” Dick asked, tapping Batman’s shoulder, “We're bats. How are we going to manage that, exactly?”
Batman pondered his Batorb for a moment before excitedly turning around to face all his Batchildren, which are like children but bats, and exclaimed, “We can get Joker's help! He’s got that jokemobile, and tons of henchmen that can get people out. And if there's one thing I know about my Joker, it's that he loves helping society,” Batman looked to Ringo, “Quick, go get him.” Ringo nodded and flew away.
As his brother disappeared into the distance, Dick wondered, “Will Harley show up too? I mean she's great and all, but I can't see how she'd be much help here.”
“Nah, she's on the moon now.” Bruce explained.
“Oh, that makes sense.”
— — — — —
The Batfamily, which is like a family but bats, and the Joker and his team successfully managed to clear the bridge of commuters. They now all stood on the road watching Evil Superman gnaw on the same beam.
“Well, Batsy, I think we make a pretty good team,” The Joker smiled and leaned against the hero as he turned back into human form. “Invite me again anytime, even just to help you watch the kids,” Joker pulled out a cigar and lit it by striking a match against Batman’s cowl. “I’m actually quite good with kids, you’d be surprised.”
“Joker could never hurt any of us, especially me,” Jason agreed.
“Hey guys, we should probably like, start fighting Evil Superman or something,” Damian pointed out.
So they all went over to Evil Superman, who's evil now, and readied themselves for a fight. Evil Superman glared at them with his pink eyes aglow. He floated down to the street level. “If I’m going down, this bridge is going down with me,” He declared clicheingly.
Batman watched the turncoat hero with a gleam in his eye. “Hey Clark, I thought the pink kryptonite made you gay!” He shouted.
Evil Superman crossed his arms and frowned. “Tsk, tsk. So closeminded. I’m evil and I’m gay, you idiot!” He went back to biting the metal structure.
Everyone paused to check their bigotry.
Joker, who was also both evil and gay, asked him, “Why so queerious?” and started to attack Evil Superman. At first he threw very effective weapons, like twine and loose change from his clown pockets.
“Joker,” Batman said, clearly disappointed in his methods. “You can't be serious.”
“Oh I’m joking it,” Joker replied with a grin, “I’m joking it so good.”
He was about to try another strategy involving a balloon and a marble, but Dick stopped him.
“Wait, I think I see a lump under his suit on his chest,” Dick said, trying to get a better look.
Damian sighed. “So he's got cancer, that won’t exactly help us much.”
Dick huffed in annoyance. “No, like there’s something under his suit that we can take out. Maybe that’s the evil kryptonite?”
Bruce yelled to Evil Superman, “What's that under your nose?”
Evil Superman turned, confused. He looked down only to see Batbatman, which is like Batman but a bat, grabbing a necklace with a pink crystal affixed. Superman blinked, no longer evil. “I feel like I ate one of those novelty jawbreakers that are the size of a small child.”
Joker, seeing that the mission was done, said his awesome catchphrase. “Society.” He hit a vape, took Bruce’s arm in his, and strolled off the bridge.
Superman surveyed the small army who fought him in his dark and twisted state. “How come Harley’s not here?”
“She's on the moon now.”