Chapter Text
Jedediah awoke, with the moonlight, to the familiar feeling of numbness receding into the ends of his fingers and toes. He jumped up, as he always did, stretching his wrists and cracking his knuckles a little before walking in the direction of the rest of the town, greeting those he saw along the way.
“Heya, Chuck, how’s the Tech Deck doin’?”
Chuck rubbed the back of his neck, “Takin’ a bit of a break… its a little harder ‘an Nicky’s fingers make it look.”
“It’s all good amigo! Even ol’ Jedediah needs a good ol’ break every now and then.” Jedediah made a lighthearted, dismissive gesture before continuing on his walk.
“Will! All good with the railroad?” Jed asked.
“Just dandy Jed! Productive as always!”
“That’s what I like to hear!” Jedediah pumped his fists in excitement as he walked towards the rope that led to the floor from the Western Diorama. He was especially glad that things were going well with all his pals tonight, because he had other, very important, duties he was hoping to attend to.
It had been a little over three years since the night at the British Museum. Ahk was back for an indeterminate amount of time, though he seemed to have been hinting at wanting to permanently return. The downside of this was that Ahk had brought that stupid good-for-nothing tin-can Lancelot with him (Jed figured the knight really could have just been left behind to stay frozen as wax forever). Ultimately though, Lancelot’s presence was bearable for Jed knowing that Ahkmenrah’s return meant the continuation of wonderful, whimsical nights full of RC car tricks and funny cat videos with his best friend, Octavius.
Tonight, we’re gonna find some real good ones! He thought as he stepped into the Roman miniature exhibit.
Octavius was standing in a circle of armoured men, laughing and drinking wine from those tiny glasses Nicky had gifted them when he joined the night crew.
“Heya, Oct!”
“Jedediah!” Octavius’ walked over and put a hand on Jedediah’s shoulder. “My dear friend. How are you tonight?”
“I’m doin’ jus’ fine Octy, but I’d be even better if you’d come watch some kittens with me over at the front desk!”
“I’m afraid I have plans to hang out with my men and go bathe tonight,” Octavius replied. He stood silently before shuffling a little, a slight blush permeating the skin of his cheeks. “Er, you’re welcome to accompany us if you should like, but I know you’re not fond of the idea.” Though it had been a while ago, the last time Octavius had invited Jedediah to the baths with him, the cowboy had practically thrown a tantrum at the idea of being naked in front of others (or maybe just at the thought of bathing).
“Aw, shucks.” Jedediah had heard enough from Octavius about the Roman public bathing experience to know that it wasn’t his style. A private bit of a scrub and a bucket of cold water was plenty enough for him (that is, if he felt the need to bathe at all). He certainly wasn’t keen on joining his friend tonight. “I’ll just go watch kittens by myself I suppose, don’t you worry about ol’ Jedediah”.
Octavius smiled, nodded and gave Jedediah an imperial thumbs up, one of his new favorite gestures, before turning away.
Once Octavius was out of earshot Jedediah sighed dramatically. He had really been looking forward to exploring The You Tube with Octy.
“Stupid Romans and their stupid hygiene.” He muttered, kicking at nothing and almost tripping himself. He put his hands in his pockets and started the lonely walk to the RC car.
-
Turns out Jedediah actually didn’t mind browsing the internet on his own, although it was much harder to type out searches without any help. Jed decided that a good way to combat this would be to simply pick from the recommended videos instead of looking for anything in particular.
There were so many options. Some weird looking guy whose name indicated he was a beast of some kind, some stuck-up suit-wearing guy doing a news report, clips from some shows he didn't know, and…
“Andrew Tate… now who’s this little potato looking feller here.” Jedediah laughed to himself, proud of his comparison. Maybe if Octavius was there with him, he would have laughed too.
Jedediah shook his loneliness away and pushed his upper body weight into the mouse to click on the video.
Now, there is a downside to only opting for recommended videos rather than searching for individual interests. All of the recommended videos quickly turned into more of the Potato Man and his friends.
“Boy, where’d all the kittens go?” Jedediah asked himself. Sure, he had logged out of Octavius’ Octodaddy account… definitely not out of any bitter loneliness… but he hadn’t quite expected all of the videos that kept showing up on the side of the screen to change to this Potato Guy so quickly.
“Even his name is like a potato! Tater!” Jedediah laughed to himself again, slapping his knee and (gracefully) slipping off of his seat on the mouse. Octavius would definitely have laughed at that one, after Jedediah explained what a tater was.
“‘Cept Octy’s too busy gettin’ himself all clean and shiny!” Jedediah stood on his toes as he spoke, though nobody was listening. “Bet he wishes he was here instead of showerin’”.
“There’s no power in sushi.” Potato Man was saying on the screen.
What in tarnation is sue-she? The Potato Man did not explain further. Mus’ be something immoral, or disintegrous, like kickin’ your opponent when he’s down or hittin’ a woman.
The Potato Man kept talking. “If you pit 100 random people who last had sushi for dinner against 100 random people who last had T-Bone steaks for dinner… who do you think is going to win?”
“Pfft, surely the steak-eaters! Anyone doin’ sue-she don’t count as a real winner!” Jedediah said, once again, to nobody.
He did not miss Octavius.
“A whole bunch of hippy, liberal, California losers and their sushi, or a whole bunch of cowboys and heroes with their big ass steaks?”
Jedediah did not know what half of those words meant, but he figured those he did not understand must be bad, especially considering the proposed opponents.
“COWBOYS! THE COWBOYS WOULD BEAT THOSE SUE-SHE COMMITIN’ LIBERAL LOSERS TO DUST, I KNOW IT TATER!” Jedediah pumped his fist in the air and jumped around, bumping into the mouse and accidentally clicking to the next video.
“Whoops.”
Jedediah quickly found that there were a lot of people in the You Tube who did not like woke LGBTQ+ sue-she committing liberal losers. He also quickly decided that he did not like woke LGBTQ+ sue-she committing liberal losers either. Did anyone in the You Tube ever give a clear definition of what woke, LGBTQ+, and liberal meant in this context? No, but Jedediah assumed that they all must be just as dishonorable as sue-she was. (He had decided that LGBTQ+ must stand for Loser Guys Beggin’ To Quarrel –the plus indicated that these people had additional loserish qualities).
The only thing he really understood that these Tube folks were talking about was the Second Amendment, though he really didn’t get why they seemed so obsessed with it. Sure, his guns might not really work, but he certainly liked the feel of them on his hips. What’s a cowboy without his guns anyways?
After watching what had probably been far too many videos, Jedediah decided that he really did agree with Ol’ Tater and his pals (they seemed to like to call themselves MAGA, Jedediah figured maybe they didn’t know how to say mega properly).
“Jedediah,”
Jed spun around to see Octavius, sans armor, water dripping from his still-wet hair and darkening the shoulders of his red toga. Jedediah’s lips quirked, threatening to smile at the idea of his friend rushing out of the bathhouse to hang out with him. No no no, he’s left you all on your lonesome for the past hour!
Jedediah crossed his arms and rocked back and forth on his heels. “Whoo-wee! Lookie here, shiny General Octavius is all nice and clean!” He did look quite nice and clean actually. Jed did not frequently get to see his best friend in such a casual getup, and later, when he was no longer upset, he would have to tell Octavius that he looked awfully endearing with his hair all wet like that. At the moment, however, the general’s good looks were quite annoying, given that Jedediah was trying really hard to stay mad at him.
Octavius laughed awkwardly. Jedediah kept a straight face.
“Are you angry with me?”
“Pfft, me?! Angry with you? Why, cause you went off being all hygienic instead of hangin’ and watching kittens with your best pal? Of course not!” Jed’s words were lightly laced with sarcasm.
“Oh thank the gods, I was quite worried for a second there, but how could I think you would be so foolish.” Octavius smiled and wiped away some curls of hair that had begun to cling to his forehead. He really did look awfully nice.
Okay, maybe not enough sarcasm. Jed threw his arms in the air. “Who are you calling foolish!”
Octavius froze and took a step backwards. “I– I thought you just said–”
“I was being sarcastic, you snooty Roman. I was so excited to watch kittens with you when I woke up tonight!”
“Jedediah, I’m flattered, but you cannot be serious–”
“Oh I’m serious! Real Simon-pure serious! You abandoned your partner and started me up all disappointed like a real… like a real woke LGBTQ+ liberal!”
Octavius just looked confused. “A what?”
“You heard me!” Jedediah began to tap his foot impatiently.
“I’m honestly not sure I did.” Octavius said, eyebrows raised.
“You’re just a woke LGBTQ+ liberal!” Jedediah spat. He huffed and began to walk away. As much as he had been lonely before, he suddenly was feeling the need to spend the rest of the night on his own. “Good mornin’ Oct.”
As he rappelled down the rope tied to the top of the desk, he began to feel a little guilty for speaking so rudely to his best friend. The hurt look that had appeared in Octavius’ eyes when Jedediah called him a woke LGBTQ+ liberal had broken Jed’s heart a little, and it definitely hadn’t helped that Octavius was dressed the way he was.
Because it shows he was in a rush to see me… Definitely not for any other reasons, Jedediah told himself.
But when his feet hit the ground, he realized his decision had been made. Octavius had called him foolish, and he was in too deep to apologize so easily.
He was MAGA Jedediah now.