Chapter Text
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway
I just wanted you to know that this is me trying
🌸
Goh holds the egg tight to his chest, Charmander gently pawing at it as Chloe rambles about her idea.
Goh’s head positively hurts as Chloe throws all the information at him, and Ash must have picked up on Goh’s unsteady aura or his headache because he places a soft kiss atop of his head, to which Goh thanks him with a gentle caress to his jaw.
“I think you would be brilliant, Goh! You and Popplio, and maybe some of your other Pokemon. It’s worth giving a try”, Chloe keeps saying, unbothered or maybe unbeknownst to Goh’s anxiety. Her excited voice rings in his head, and it’s just now when Goh notices how silent Dawn is throughout the whole conversation like she would have her own doubts about it, or she would be giving Chloe an upper hand in luring Goh into the idea.
“Here’s a map of Hoenn and Sinnoh, I marked the cities where there will be some contests held soon, there are also a few in Unova and Kanto, even Johto, and oh, don’t worry if you won’t get the fifth ribbon in time, there is always a Wallace Cup and–”, Goh’s eyes widen as his gaze turns into a frown seconds later.
“Hold on, hold on, hold on, Chloe. I didn’t even agree to anything yet, and you’re already thinking of me trying to get the fifth ribbon? Aren’t you getting a little bit ahead of yourself?”, Goh asks, raising his brow, but Chloe just smiles, brushing it off.
“But you have so many great Pokemon, Goh. There’s no way you wouldn’t want to do more than one contest, and with how talented Popplio is…I wish I could record it, like he was so amazing and…”, Chloe keeps rambling and Goh lets out a heavy sigh. She looks at him with a puzzled expression.
“I um, actually, I don’t think I want to try even one”, Goh sheepishly scratches his cheek as he tries to avoid Chloe’s piercing gaze.
Dawn shifts next to Ash uncomfortably as she knows what direction this conversation will go in from that moment.
“Huh? But why?”, Chloe exclaims. There is a tint of disappointment in her voice, and Goh tries to ease the sudden tension that fell around them.
“I just don’t think I would be good at it? Besides, I’m shy and there are always big crowds”, Goh weakly smiles and Chloe frowns.
“Goh, you were reciting Pokedex entries in front of Professor Oak when we were 9, I don’t believe in shyness. Besides, look at Popplio, he really wants to try it out”, Goh quickly glances at Popplio, who has just made a big balloon, and Grookey pops it off with his stick as his hand curls into a fist around the egg. “Goh, please”.
Goh bites his lips. “Chloe, it’s not about what Popplio wants, it’s about what I want. I’m good at catching Pokemon and researching, not at contests”.
Ash glances at Goh, squinting his eyes in concern at his words. He doesn’t intervene, not yet. He lets Goh and Chloe have the needed conversation, even if he feels the urge to cut it off.
“You haven’t even tried it out yet”, Chloe remarks, raising her brow, and Goh shrugs.
“I just…have a feeling I’m gonna be bad at them, that’s all”, Goh weakly smiles and Chloe lets out a frustrated scream.
“You’re so insufferable, Goh”, she hisses, and Goh flinches at the harshness.
Ash eventually sighs to himself. He shares a worried look with Dawn as they look back and forth between arguing Chloe and Goh, keeping their distance. Ash finally has had enough. He’s ready to do something about it, and Dawn must have read his mind.
“Should we um, do something about it?”, Dawn whispers to Ash as he slowly nods his head.
He’s the first to move as he places his hands atop of Goh’s shoulders, and he feels his muscles relax under his touch. “Careful, you don’t wanna break the egg”.
Goh takes a deep breath as he hands the egg to Cinderace – who runs to who knows where – before he focuses back on Chloe. “I don’t get why you are upset right now. You planned everything before you talked to me, that’s on you”, he chews, and Chloe frowns.
“You know what? You’ve changed, Goh. All I’m asking is for you to try out one contest for now, and you don’t even care that your own Pokemon is interested in trying it out. You’ve become so indifferent. In the past, you would at least try”, Chloe bitterly whispers as she averts her gaze, and Goh’s eyes widen at the implication.
Ash tightens the hold around Goh’s shoulders as he feels Goh tense again. Tears start pricking in the corner of Goh’s eyes, but he quickly blinks them away.
“I didn’t change. Trauma changed me”, Goh lets out, choking on his own words. “Now excuse me, I have an appointment with Betty soon”, he says as an excuse to leave the park.
And be far away from Chloe.
Grookey jumps to Goh’s shoulder as he walks away. Espe looks back and forth, unsure what to do, but Ash signals to her to follow Goh. So she does. She quickly joins Goh for the walk, sticking close to his leg, which Goh appreciates in the moment.
Ash lets out a heavy sigh, Dawn sits on the grass, wondering if she should comfort her girlfriend, but she decides to give her some space instead to think everything through.
And Chloe? Chloe crumbles down, because there is more behind why she wants Goh to try out contests.
But he doesn’t realize it yet.
🌸
“Chloe said I’ve changed and the more I think about it, I think she’s right”, Goh lets out, and Betty writes down something in her notebook, glancing at him briefly.
“You were right though, traumatic experiences tend to change the way people start to view everything around them”, Betty muses, and Goh lets out a heavy sigh.
“A few years ago, if she would recommend me to try out contests, I would agree without batting my eyes”, Goh puts his hand on Grookey’s fur and gives it a stroke.
“So what do you think has changed? Is it because of what happened last year?”, Betty asks, fidgeting with her pen, and Goh tilts his head in thought.
“Partially yeah, I think”, Goh slowly pets Grookey as his eyes narrow at his own thoughts. “The thing is um…contests are huge. So many people, they are broadcasted everywhere and…since last year, I saw a lot of headlines…about me and Ash, and what happened in Alola, so I’m afraid people will recognize me and…”, Goh’s voice breaks, but he bites his lips in time to avoid crying.
“And make fun of you?”.
Goh sighs. “I don’t need anyone’s pity”.
“People will recognize you anyway. Ash posts pictures of you a lot on his social media”, Betty points out, and Goh licks his lips.
“I don’t wanna be recognized because of what happened”, Goh murmurs, and Betty nods her head.
“I’m sure people heard of what happened, but I doubt you would be recognized because of it. I’m sure people know what you achieved. You said that people in Paldea knew about who you are, so I think there is nothing to worry about”, Betty smiles, and Goh’s lips curl into a small smile as well.
“I heard contests may be therapeutic", Betty muses after a moment of silence. “So I would say, go and give them a try. Not only for Popplio, but for you. And for Chloe too. I have a feeling it was her way of saying that she wants to spend more time with you”, Betty winks, and Goh frowns at her words as he gives Grookey’s tail a stroke.
“You think that she…”, Goh starts, but the rest of the words die down his throat.
Betty just smiles as she closes her notebook, signaling it’s the end of the session. Goh breathes out as he’s feeling a little lighter after the talk with Betty and her helpful advice.
As Goh books the next appointment at Jessie’s desk, Betty approaches him again.
“Goh, I almost forgot. How are you feeling now after taking the anxiety pills?”, she asks, and Goh raises his brow in thought.
“Quite better, I think. Less tired for sure. I wasn’t taking them regularly before though because of that one incident when I got sick”, Goh sheepishly chuckles, and Betty nods her head.
“Then, it’s safe to say you can keep taking them without any issues. Don’t forget that stopping them abruptly can trigger side effects”, Betty warns, and Goh nods his head.
“Yeah, I remember”, Goh says, and Betty gives Grookey a pet as he wakes up from his nap on Goh’s forearm.
“Call me if you need anything. I can’t wait to hear about what you decided on our next session”, she winks playfully as Goh waves her and Jessie goodbye, before he leaves the building.
Goh releases Espe from her Pokeball and she immediately nuzzles into his leg as he stares into the shining sun, feeling sad out of the blue.
“How about we take a walk? There’s a store nearby. Maybe I could buy something for Chloe? How about a new hair tie or a bow?”, Goh wonders to himself. Espe nudges his leg as he still stands in one place, not moving even an inch.
Goh looks down at her, his lips curling into a small smile as he hesitantly starts to move into the direction he wanted to go.
Deep down, Goh just wants to stretch the time as he’s not ready to face Chloe yet.
🌸
When Goh arrives at the Laboratory, Chloe and Dawn are nowhere to be seen, it’s just Ash chilling at the park, taking care of the egg. When he spots Goh, a smile curls on his lips, but as he notices how exhausted Goh is, it fades away.
“Rough session, huh?”, he asks as Goh lies down and puts his head over Ash’s thigh.
“I’m so stuck”, he mumbles, dragging his hands tiredly over his face, exhaling a heavy sigh.
Ash puts the egg aside, and Pikachu lays next to it as he wraps his arm over Goh’s chest to bring him closer.
“You know what? When I was travelling through Sinnoh, Dawn caught such a strong Buizel. With time, it turned out he was more into battles than contests, and my Aipom was more into contests than battles, so…we switched. I wasn’t what we wanted at first, but…it was for the best”, Ash says, and Goh frowns.
“Are you implying that I should give Popplio to Chloe?”, he asks, his voice raises a little, but Ash shakes his head, and Goh closes his lips so Ash can explain what he meant.
“Absolutely not, but what you said took me back to the time Scorbunny wanted to learn a fire type move and you neglected that need because it wasn’t what you wanted”, Ash says as calmly as he can. Deep down, he doesn’t want to point it out, but he needs to, even if it will break Goh.
Goh feels the tears gather in his eyes as Ash continues to speak. “This time, it isn’t what you want either, but Popplio, and you don’t want to try even one contest because…? Talk to me, maybe I can help you figure out what to do”.
Goh bites the inside of his cheek. “I’m scared that people will recognize my face and associate me with what happened in Alola”, he quietly lets out, and Ash feels his heart break.
He tightens his arm around Goh. “Even so, why should it stop you from spreading your wings further?”.
Goh opens his mouth, but closes it seconds later as he realizes he has nothing to offer to counter it. He hears Ash chuckle behind him.
“Should I pull a Gary, go and hold Chloe’s hand for 26 seconds, tell her how I will cheer her on with her dream, squeeze her hand, then dramatically let go of the hold to piss you off so you will believe in yourself and eventually agree?”, Ash whispers straight to Goh’s ear which makes him blush delicately.
Goh scoffs. “There’s no need to do that”, he says quietly and Ash kisses his head in return.
“Well, you didn’t want to be a part of Project Mew, so if it would help to make you interested in trying out contests, then…”.
“I’m more a research guy, Ash, not a contest one”, he says, and Ash narrows his eyes.
“And I’m more into battling, and despite that, I tried contests a few times”, Ash smiles, and Goh turns around to face him, shocked.
“You–You did?! You have never mentioned it before!”, Goh exclaims, and Ash sheepishly chuckles, scratching his cheek.
“Didn’t know it would be necessary information until now”, Ash says as he hands Goh the half of the ribbon he earned with May. “I got this one with May”.
“Beautiful”, Goh says, his eyes sparkling at the sight of it.
“I know you’re more into research, but contests don’t need to be something that you will rely on. It could become a hobby or something that you will want to do from time to time. Not necessarily for you, but for Popplio. Chloe felt bad that she made you feel pressured. She talked to me about how she feels and…”.
“She misses me”, Goh breathes out, and Ash blinks a few times, surprised that Goh knows what he meant.
He nods his head after a moment. “Yeah, making you interested in contests was her way to spend more time with you”.
“I don’t know, Ash. What if I agree and I’ll embarrass myself?”, Goh asks, one tear escaping his eye, and Ash reaches his thumb to wipe it off.
“No one’s perfect right off the bat, remember that. I think contests could become a good distraction for you. I think you would be amazing at them”, Ash smiles, squeezing Goh’s hand.
“You really think so?”, Goh asks, blinking slowly into Ash’s brown eyes, and Ash nods his hand, lifting Goh’s chin with his finger to place a soft kiss on his lips.
“I know so”, he whispers straight into Goh’s lips, and Goh chuckles.
“Of course you’d say that”, he says, smiling, but the smile fades away at his next thought. “But do you think I’ve changed?”.
A glint of sorrow flickers in Ash’s eyes as he shakes his head. “You’re still the same Goh that I fell in love with”, he reassures, threading their hands together.
Goh smiles as he settles his head back on Ash’s thigh, and Ash’s other hand intertwines with his hair, moving through it slowly. “But seriously, think about it”.
Goh exhales a shaky breath. “I will, but for now, can we focus on something else? The sun is shining so beautifully today”.
Ash’s gaze shifts to the sky as well as he smiles. “It sure is. But it’s cold, so we’ll stay here only for a moment”.
“Yeah, only for a moment”, he echoes, closing his eyes. “The weather is so nice today and I’m…”.
Not ready to see Chloe yet.
🌸
Dawn is doing final touches to the new outfit for Buneary for the one of the upcoming contests as Chloe scribbles something on the map she earlier showed to Goh, her gaze sad and slightly unfocused.
“So where are we going next?”, Dawn asks, getting Chloe out of her thoughts. She glances at Sylveon, who just nudged her leg.
“Slateport City, I think. Harley and Drew will be there”, she forces a smile, and Dawn smiles at her sympathetically.
“Then, we should leave in a few days”, she says, pressing a soft kiss to Chloe’s hair, and Chloe sighs.
“Yeah, but…”, Chloe starts, but a sudden knock on the door stops her.
Some shock crosses her face when she sees Goh hesitantly enter the room, but then she raises her brow when he doesn’t say anything for a moment, opening and closing his lips whenever he finds the courage to speak.
Chloe wants to say something instead, almost asking if everything’s okay, but Goh eventually makes up his mind and speaks first, his hand curling into a light fist around his red hoodie.
He takes a deep breath, meeting Chloe’s confused gaze. “I have an idea, Chloe. Let’s make a deal”.
🌸
I'm still a believer but I don't know why
I've never been a natural
All I do is try, try, try
I'm still on that trapeze
I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me
Because I'm a mirrorball
I'm a mirrorball
I'll show you every version of yourself tonight