Archive of Our Own

“Oh, come on.”

Kai looked up from his Sudoku puzzle book and over at Yeonjun, who was sitting beside him on the cold iron bench outside the mall. Winter was still lingering in the air, and the bottom of the bench was dripping with condensation onto the backs of his ankles. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, clicking his pen once, then twice. The pen clip was all chewed up, sticking out horizontally, all broken and bent. 

“They’re cutting my hours again.”

Kai frowned, bringing his pen up to bite at it again. The clip snapped off. “You should just quit, honestly.” There was plastic in his mouth.

Yeonjun whined petulantly, more like a dog than a child, and leaned into Kai’s shoulder. “And leave you here alone? I could never do that to you.”

Kai turned back to his puzzle. He’d made a mistake and scribbled out the number 7. “It’s fine. I could always bother my sister for a ride instead. Or take the bus again.”

Kai would’ve asked her to pick him up more often if it wasn’t for Yeonjun’s insistence that riding with him was easier for everybody. He had a way of pressing down hard on Kai’s soft spots to get him to agree to anything. Kai could be anything, but he was always soft. 

Yeonjun sat up, linking his arm with Kai’s, and pushed his cheek up against his shoulder. “He really doesn’t mind, you know. Driving you, I mean. His face just looks like that.”

Kai didn’t say anything to that, unsure what else he could say besides Liar! 

He’d made another mistake on his puzzle, too nervous to truly focus on it. He got that way around strangers. Aquantences, his friend’s friends. Whatever he and Taehyun were. Though it was routine at this point, he started to close up on himself when their shift at the record shop ended, picking at the skin of his fingers the longer they sat waiting for him. 

His puzzles kept his hands busy. 

He smiled at Yeonjun and closed his book. The cold made his hands dry. “I know. You know how I am, though.”

Looking up, he immediately spotted Taehyun walking over from where he’d parked his car. His hands were shoved into his jacket pockets with his shoulders hunched up from the wind. He’d walked halfway to them before Yeonjun stood up, leaving the left side of him cold once again. 

“Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear!”

Taehyun didn’t acknowledge Kai at all, but every day, Kai held onto this small hope that he might send a nod his way. A glance, maybe, to let him know it truly was no bother to drive him home.

“You were talking about me?” he asked, his face doing a strange thing. 

“All good things, all good things.” Yeonjun grabbed Kai by the sleeve of his shirt, dragging him forward.

Taehyun’s car always smelled neat and clean. Like brand new, or unscented laundry detergent. It was strangely off-putting, building a taller wall between what he knew of Taehyun and what he could only guess of him. Both of which were nothing much. 

This is what he knew. Taehyun was quiet, but only when they were alone together. He would wait until he heard the click of Yeonjun and Kai’s seatbelts before he drove off, and kept the volume on the radio at a moderate level. Quiet, but not silent. He kept it low if Yeonjun had a lot to say that day, and entirely shut off if he had stories of his own to share back. He would speak with one hand waving in the air to emphasize his points, using carefully chosen and confident words that were spoken so quickly and enthusiastically that it was easy to become distracted by his energy. Infected by it.

It was in those moments that Kai would pretend to be busy on his phone so he could catch a glimpse of his pink mouth in the rearview mirror from the backseat. He’d push his sunglasses on top of his head, keeping the hair out of his eyes, and when he dropped them down again, his hair stayed exactly where he wanted it. Taehyun wasn’t afraid to take up space wherever he went and had no qualms about walking into a room full of people.

And Taehyun was sort of the worst person Kai knew. Effortlessly cool, cool as if he didn’t know it himself. He’d reach over into the back to put Yeonjun’s bag in the seat next to him, and Kai’s entire body would shake as he pressed his knees together to avoid touching his outstretched arm. On the rare occasion that they made eye contact, and it was very rare, he would hold it for a devastatingly long time before Kai was forced to be the one to turn away first.

Taehyun was friends with Yeonjun. He was friends with Beomgyu and Soobin. He wasn’t friends with Kai. He didn’t talk to him very much at all. He’d watch their interaction from a distance, tearing at the paper of his puzzle book or pretending to be busy on his phone. It was as if there was a glass box around him, separating them from the same plane of existence.

Taehyun was a mystery to him. A world wonder he’d stare at and try to make sense of. He could only see the vague shapes of him. The way he straightened his shoulders when Kai walked into the room, or the way his face sobered up from his laughter when he caught Kai looking.

Kai opened up his puzzle book again, busying himself as Yeonjun complained to Taehyun about work. 

Realistically, it was probably less awkward than his mind made it out to be. Yeonjun had once said it was Taehyun’s idea for Kai to tag along with them, though Kai wasn’t so sure about that one. There was a tension in the air when they were together, something unreadable. Kai couldn't imagine that Taehyun didn't see him as anything more than an extension of Yeonjun.

“And he doesn’t even help with anything, he just stands at the register and flirts with one of our regulars until she remembers what she’s actually there for. This is who they’re giving my hours to!” Yeonjun waved his hands as he spoke, his top lip curling up in a dramatic display of frustration. 

“You should just quit,” Taehyun said, and Kai instinctively nodded in agreement. 

Yeonjun clicked his tongue. “You know I can’t. Why would I leave Kai there to fend for himself?”

Taehyun caught his eye in the rearview mirror, and neither of them blinked until Kai looked away. Kai wanted to open the door and roll out onto the highway. 

“It’s fine, hyung,” he found himself saying before he could think better of it. His voice sounded foreign to him. He was always a bit different around Taehyun for reasons he couldn’t explain in words. “Our schedules aren’t matching up as often anymore anyway. It’d be the same.”

Kai had been taking the bus when Yeonjun wasn't around. He couldn't decide if it was better or worse than awkwardly making himself fit in the backseat of Taehyun's car. If Yeonjun quit, he'd never find himself there again. Something about that made the answer clear.

“Because they’re giving my hours to that guy!” 

Taehyun laughed, but the energy in the car always plummeted when Yeonjun was dropped off at home first. There was no buffer, no familiar tether to keep Kai from picking at the skin of his fingers. His nerves would skyrocket, but Taehyun would remain the same. Unreadable and stiff in his seat as they settled into the new silence.

He watched Yeonjun walk inside his building, and then Taehyun drove off again. 

There were miles of space between them, somehow making the atmosphere colder. Sitting in the backseat felt strange after that, but he didn’t move. It was even stranger to think about how Taehyun knew where he lived now. It had been a while since Kai had to point directions with his pen and quietly apologize when he forgot to announce a turn.

He leaned forward, his seatbelt making a sound as it extended. He didn’t do well with awkward silences. They made him clam up and bubble with nervous laughter. 

“So, um,” he started, and cleared his throat when the words were too hoarse to hear. “Hawaii.”

Taehyun turned his head for a moment, looking at him from his peripheral vision in confusion. “What?”

Kai pointed to the dancing hula girl on his dashboard. That was new. It bobbled with each bump in the road. “The um– I was born in Hawaii, you know.”

Taehyun reached for the doll, hiding it in the cupholder of his center console. His face did that strange thing again. Pinched, as if pained. Embarrassed, maybe. “I know.”

Kai nodded, sitting back in his seat. He ripped the corner of his book. “Oh. Well, yeah. Do you want to go there? Ever? I haven’t been since I was a baby–”

“You don't have to force yourself to talk to me. If you don’t want to.”

Kai’s mouth hung open for a moment. He looked down at his lap, imagining the annoyed look Taehyun must’ve had on his face. Kai couldn’t help himself, really. There was something about Taehyun that made him want to keep trying. “Oh, I wasn’t.”

He got along with people well enough. He was nice and personable, and his coworkers seemed to adore him the same way that people adored puppies but didn’t want to adopt one. Smiling from a distance, laughing with him, but never inviting him to hang out after work. He’d never met anyone like Taehyun before. Someone who seemed not to be able to stand him at all. It itched at something in his chest. He had this need to try to win him over, at least a little bit.

They didn’t have to be best friends. Kai wasn’t going to beg or be overzealous. He just wanted him to like him. They had mutual friends after all. They ran in the same circles, and Kai was in his car four times out of seven days a week for three months now. How was it that Taehyun could be so friendly with everyone else, but when it came to him, he got nothing but blank stares? 

Kai was home before he knew it, growing dizzy at the sight of familiar streets. He squeezed his eyes closed for a second, humiliated by the experience yet again, and somehow disappointed the ride was over at the same time. 

“Don’t leave those papers in my car, please.”

He looked down at the floor where the torn margins of his book were scattered about—a bad habit. “Oh, I’m sorry! Um… Thank you. For the ride.”

He bent forward to scoop them up into his fists before getting out without turning back. He couldn’t get inside quickly enough before his ears turned red. He wondered if Taehyun watched him go.

જ⁀➴ ♡

It was Yeonjun who had brought Taehyun into their group. Of course. He had this instinct to include everyone in everything, to keep all his loved ones close and mix them whenever he could. There were times when it didn’t go well, and there were times when his friends became their friends too.

He spoke of Taehyun with a smile on his face that made his eyes disappear under his cheeks, and he had been trying to invite him to a group hangout for weeks at that point. “He’s kind of shy. I want you guys to meet him, though!” 

When he finally showed up one day, Beomgyu jumped up in excitement. He screamed, far too loudly, and pointed. “Your Taehyun is my Taehyun?!”

Yeonjun looked between them, ecstatic. “You guys know each other?”

Taehyun pushed Beomgyu’s finger away from his face and brought him in for a polite hug. He patted him on the back a few times before pulling away. “Hey, I didn’t know you’d be here. It’s been a while.”

The first thing Kai noticed about him was his eyes. He looked at the people familiar to him with a sparkle of light and warmth. Affection seemed to pour out of them as he started to recognize the people in the room, and there was something adorable about him in the creases of his cheeks. 

Apparently, he used to work at the coffee shop with Beomgyu. “My work bestie? I mentioned him a few times. He’s the guy who got us more customers when he worked the register because of his face. They’d stop and stare through the window before coming in to talk to him.” Soobin knew of him, too, vaguely. He was one of the customers who had stopped and stared.

They gathered around Taehyun, patting him on the shoulder, affectionate but careful as if he were a stray cat they wanted to take home. They refamiliarized themselves with each other, laughing as they recounted first meetings. Their adoration for him was almost contagious, and it gave Kai the confidence to go up and introduce himself. 

He was pretty up close, with a tall nose and pronounced cheekbones. Or, handsome rather. Boyish in a way, told through the lines of his body and the straight edge of his wide shoulders. There was a magnetic quality to him, and immediately, Kai could see why everyone was so excited to see him again. 

He held a polite hand out to shake, his smile as sweet as it always was. “I’m Kai. I guess we’re the only ones that haven’t met yet.”

Taehyun looked at him then, his conversational smile slowly fading from his face and turning into something more curious. That much was clear; Kai had seen that look from people more times than he could count. Taehyun stared with his full attention on Kai, and the weight of his eyes was almost painful. He was intense in every way, analytical, and thoughtful. The way he held himself was confident in the space he occupied. After what felt like an eternity, Taehyun blinked, and the curious look was gone.

It made Kai feel small, self-conscious, as if there were a microscope over his head as he made all the wrong moves.

Taehyun shook his hand briefly. “Hi.”

And that was the extent of their interactions that day. They would look at each other from across the room, but Kai was always the first to look away. Kai would join the group conversation, and Taehyun would quiet down and stare with no shame about it at all. Openly, blatantly, intensely. 

Kai wasn’t sure what to make of it. The staring. 

The blankness of his face made him hard to read. At first, it didn’t seem mean-spirited. He’d watch his mouth as he spoke and then shift up to his eyes, and when Kai looked back, he held his gaze until Kai folded and couldn’t handle it anymore. Taehyun's lips would twitch as if moving to speak, but he'd bite back his words and stay silent. It gnawed at him. Insecurity and curiosity building up all at once.

It was worse when Yeonjun tried to guide them both back into conversation. It would be stiff and clipped, nothing of substance at all. For the days, weeks, and months to come, all of their interactions went a bit like that. Awkward and distant.

Kai was trying too hard, and Taehyun was giving nothing much in return. Kai had never seen him as anything but an avoidant. Standoffish and a bit weird. It was starting to sting, especially when he realized Taehyun was only that way with him.

Still, there was that magnetism he had. A quality about him that made Kai keep trying despite his constant humiliation. Despite his poor luck with other people, with Taehyun, Kai had these dreams of speaking to him as if they’d been friends for a long time. These elaborate fantasies of friendship and familiarity. In them, he’d be able to recognize the pull of Taehyun’s lips before he laughed, leaning his entire weight onto Kai’s shoulder. He’d look at him the same way he looked at everyone else. With open warmth and care, without holding anything back. He’d know what Taehyun was thinking before he was able to say it out loud, and with one look, Taehyun could do the same. In these dreams, they knew each other. In these dreams, everything was understood. 

It wasn’t long before he found himself stalking Taehyun’s Instagram, trying to find anything they had in common. 

They didn’t follow each other, but it wasn’t hard to find his account in Yeonjun’s following. Just like everything else about him, his feed didn’t reveal much. Only a handful of posts and no highlights, so there wasn’t much to stalk anyway. 

His most recent post was a collection of three photos. Kai remembered it clearly, even now. The first was a photo of him at the gym, and the long wall-length mirrors made him look taller than he actually was. He stared into the camera as he lifted his shirt to show his progress, and Kai could almost feel his eyes through the screen. He was watching him, the same as he always did. Expression unreadable but deep enough to pull him in like the ocean's current. Slowly, almost unbeknownst to him.

That was all he could handle. He didn’t look at the rest of the photos, but he did press Follow. 

જ⁀➴ ♡

“I don’t want to go. You don’t even like bowling!” 

Beomgyu threw a pair of jeans at him before turning back to sift through his closet. It was all the same stuff. Neutral colors, baggy tees, the same stretched-out sweaters he’d been wearing for years. Kai didn’t really know what Beomgyu was looking for.

“It’s my birthday! Are you going to skip out on my birthday celebration? Really?”

Beomgyu conveniently ignored the fact that Kai was right about him not liking bowling very much. He would have fun for all of three minutes before he was reminded he wasn’t very good at it, and went to pout in the corner. 

Kai gave him a look. “Your birthday is next week. Why are we celebrating now?”

“Taehyun works next week.”

Kai looked away. “It’s the perfect time, then.”

That was supposed to be an inside thought.

Beomgyu looked at him, scandalized, before swatting him on the shoulder. “Hey! We’re all friends! We don’t exclude each other.”

Kai threw himself back on his bed. It was a mess of sheets and rejected clothes. “I know, I’m sorry! I’m just embarrassed from the last time I saw him. We’re not– I mean, I wouldn’t even say we’re friends. I’m pretty sure he hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. That’s just what he looks like.”

Kai sat up, pulling a sweater into his lap so he could fidget with the fraying sleeve. He should buy a new one. “You guys keep saying that, but…” I’ve seen the way he looks with you guys. “It’s not just that. His expression doesn’t even bother me. We’re friends with Soobin!”

Beomgyu tilted his head as if to say: Fair. 

“I just feel like I say the wrong things to him. He doesn’t talk to me like he talks to you guys.”

Kai had never been good at connecting with people. Before his group of friends, he was starting to think he was the sort of person people simply liked but didn’t want to keep around. It was partially his fault. Conversations would fizzle out, and he’d never try to revive them. Everything led to dead ends. 

Beomgyu sat next to him. There was a hanger in his hand, all bent out of shape. “Please come. I promise it’s not as bad as you think it is. You get in your head too much. And I think he does too, so give him the benefit of the doubt, okay?”

Kai sighed. For all of his complaints, it wasn’t as if he were truly going to tell him no. Forever soft. “Happy early birthday.”

The bowling alley was mostly empty. The lanes were available, but the pool tables in the back were full. Yeonjun frowned at this, and Kai couldn’t say he wasn’t disappointed that he couldn’t disappear from the rest group (Taehyun) and play against him all night. 

Beomgyu clapped his hands. “Okay! Who wants to go get me my shoes?” 

Soobin shook his head. “I can’t. My ex is working the counter. If I see him, I’m taking him home.”

“Spineless.”

Taehyun raised his hand. “I’ll go. What size are you guys?” 

Kai jumped up. “I’ll help! I know everyone’s sizes, so…”

“Okay, come on.” His face was neutral as he turned to make his way to the counter, and Kai could feel his heart squeeze in a way it shouldn’t have. It wasn’t a rejection. 

He watched the side of his face as they walked, yet again wondering what he could be thinking about. Kai doubted he was on his mind at all. He must’ve been more like a distant buzz in the back of his mind. Aware of his presence but not particularly interested in it. 

“Should we get drinks too?” Kai asked, shouting a bit over the chatter that filled the room and the distance between them. 

Taehyun thought about it for a moment. His eyes shifted up to the ceiling as if it had all the answers. “Yeah. I can go get those if you can carry all the shoes yourself.”

“I can! I can give you my card to pay for them too–”

“No. I got it.”

Kai nodded, kicking himself again. “Ah, okay.” 

He was halfway through collecting all of their shoes before he realized he had forgotten to ask Taehyun what size he was. He stood at the counter for a moment, wondering if he could just guess and hope for the best. 

He was overthinking it, but the guy behind the counter was staring, waiting for him to make his choice. “Come on, man, I have people waiting.” 

“Sorry, I’ll just come back–” He swooped up the four pairs of shoes into his arms and turned around. He squeezed his eyes shut, perhaps to hide from the embarrassment, but collided with another person in the process.

Kai gasped as he stepped back, nearly dropping all the shoes. His face heated up when he saw Taehyun, his jaw tight and hands empty. He’d dropped the drinks. Glass bottles shattered on the ground, and liquid pooled in every direction. 

The guy behind the counter sighed again.

“I’m sorry! I’m really sorry! I wasn’t paying attention.” He couldn’t help his flurry of apologies despite the way Taehyun’s irritation quickly dispersed from his face. In an effort to make it right, Kai dropped the shoes and knelt to pick up the glass, all frazzled and embarrassed. “I’ll help. I’m really, really sorry.”

Taehyun grabbed his wrist, stopping him. His hand was firm, and his palm was cold against his goosebumping skin. He shook his head with a bewildered look. “What? Don’t! Just… Just go away.”

As Kai backed away, Taehyun let his wrist go, holding his arms out as if ready to catch him by the shoulders as Kai stood up from his knees. He picked up the shoes as an employee brought over a roll of paper towels and a broom, and went back to the group without a word. 

“Here’s your dumb shoes.” He dropped them on the table in front of their lane and threw himself into the seat. 

“Hey, what happened?”

Kai pressed the back of his hands to his eyes. “Nothing. Sorry. I just bumped into Taehyun and made a mess over there. I think he’s mad.”

Yeonjun stood beside him, pulling him in for a hug. He rubbed the side of his arm, cooing at him as if he were a thing to be pitied. Kai sort of reveled in it. “Aw. I’m sure he’s not mad. It was an accident, right?”

“Whatever. Can I put our names in the system?” 

Beomgyu took his shoes. “Yeah! Put me in as #1 Ace Bowler Who Is Better Than Soobin.” 

Soobin looked up. “What the hell?”

“I don’t think the character count is big enough for all that.”

When Taehyun came back, he’d brought his own shoes, and his finger was bandaged up. He looked at Kai for a second and hid his hands in his pockets. His face was hard to read, stoic and flat as stone. His eyes avoided him, and Kai wished he would look his way for longer than a second just to see if he could find anything telling in them. They were wide like windows, but Kai couldn’t see through the glass at all.

The frustration was starting to ache in his chest, and the thought that something in him was lacking was becoming more and more difficult to fight off. 

As the game started, and Beomgyu took his turn (“But I have to go first. Birthday privilege!” “Going first doesn’t give you any advantage. It’s a skill-based sport.” “Shut up and watch me make this strike.”), Kai turned his chair to Taehyun. It was the tug in his heart that didn’t know when to rest. The deep-rooted need to win him over. To be liked by everyone, perhaps. Particularly by Taehyun.

He leaned in and whispered. “I’m really sorry for earlier. I can pay you back for the drinks.” 

Taehyun shook his head, leaning away. He squeezed the Band-Aid on his finger, and Kai felt worse. “You don’t have to. It’s fine.”

He sort of wanted to shout. Right there in the bowling alley, as Beomgyu cheered and celebrated his spare, he wanted to stand up from his chair and ask Taehyun why he didn’t like him. Was he too awkward? Too clumsy with his words and his body? Did he take up too much space? Was there something wrong with him? 

There must be. Something wrong with him, that was. He wanted Taehyun’s attention so badly. The lack of it got under his skin in ways most things couldn’t. There was the instinct to reach out to him before he remembered there was nothing between them that could warrant his hands on his skin. 

“Alright,” he said instead. He bounced his leg. He watched as Beomgyu tried to sabotage Soobin’s turn, but even their tussle wasn’t enough to distract him and keep the words from spilling out. He turned back to Taehyun. “Did I ever do something? Like, we’re cool, right? Are you… mad? If I did, I’m really sorry.”

For a split moment, Kai got a reaction out of him. Shock. Surprise, maybe. He must not have expected Kai to ask him directly. He already felt himself growing greedy for the sight. He looked at him with wide eyes, and Kai wished he could know all that he was thinking behind them. He wanted to understand him so badly.

Taehyun schooled his features rather quickly, but Kai had learned to pay extra attention to catch glimpses of his mask slipping. It was almost like looking at a reflection of himself. 

Taehyun smiled. Just the corner of his lips, a small, barely there thing. “No, we’re cool.” 

There is a buzz in the air between them. It made his face numb, his fingers tingly. His chest felt concave. He almost sighed, trying to exhale and blow it back into its rightful shape. 

“Okay. That’s good.” Kai sat back, taking the answer but not quite believing it. Taehyun had left the feeling of his fingers around Kai’s wrist. He was still cold.

“Kai, it’s your turn.”

He didn’t much like bowling either.

By the end of the night, Taehyun won by a landslide, and Kai watched his back the entire time. He could see his shoulder blades through the thinness of his shirt after he took his jacket off and the flutter of his imaginary wings as Taehyun brought the ball up to his chest before rolling. 

Kai didn’t care to see whether Taehyun hit the pins or not. By the sounds of the group, it was obvious he did. He just watched him, wondering and hoping that the twitch in his fingers would share something deeper. He easily lost himself in the current until he had to look up and drag himself back to shore. 

Taehyun never turned around to look back. If he felt his eyes on him, he pretended Kai wasn’t there, just as he always had. 

He could stare at his back all day.

જ⁀➴ ♡

Kai was going to quit his job.

He came back from his break smelling like secondhand smoke and shaking from the cold because Anton liked to leave the back exit door open to let the wind carry in. Yeonjun wasn’t scheduled for the day, so he was stuck at the register by himself while the others were working the floor. 

His only solace was that he could control the music without argument. The counter had a stack of CDs to play. There were albums from the shop, as well as burned mixtapes that Kai had made and never taken home. They weren’t the sort of thing he’d listen to while he was alone anyway. Music had always been something he held close to his chest, guarded behind his ribcage right next to his heart. 

There were the CDs he put together for the store, songs he was willing to share with strangers, and there were the songs he listened to when he was alone. Songs that had given him strength and comfort in ways nothing else could, songs so attached to memories and people of the past that he didn’t want to give them away to anyone else. They belonged to him just as much as his heart and lungs belonged to him. Attachments necessary for survival. 

Yeonjun complained when it was Kai’s turn to pick the music because he played the same mixtape every time. Songs safe to share, songs he’d be willing to attach to random customers who came in bobbing their heads to the beat. 

Besides, it was comforting to know the order of the songs, and often odd to hear them all on their own without the next one on the track list to follow. There was something satisfying about it all. To know something so intimately, to expect it to be the same, and to know for sure that it will be. 

He pulled out his puzzle book. It was compact enough to fit in his back pocket, the paperback cover folded back to keep his waiting page open and ready. His pen was running out of ink. He had to mark over his numbers three times to make them clear. The Byrds played over the shop speakers, and his old CD skipped for a moment after the second verse. 

Honestly, his job wasn’t that bad. It was lonely without Yeonjun, but he got along with everyone else well enough to fill the hours with conversation if he wanted to. The issue was that he didn’t want to. For hours, all he wanted was his puzzles and his music. Puzzles were tricky to figure out, but they’d always reveal themselves eventually. There was pride in decoding them, a strong sense of accomplishment when he was finally able to step back and see the entire completed table. 

Should I have just waited for him to come outside after his shift to ask? 

Kai’s head snapped up as if he’d been shocked. It was Taehyun’s voice. Distinctive, but far too close to be possible. It sounded as if he were speaking right behind his ear. 

Okay, no, that’s weird. I look weird. I should just be direct. Not doing that is how we got here.

He leaned over the counter to peek past the shelf of CDs against the wall by the entrance. Despite hearing his voice, he was shocked to see that Taehyun had really walked in. There he was, skimming the E shelf of CDs with his hands in his jacket pockets. His eyes shifted to Kai’s direction before he noticed Kai looking, and went back to staring at the shelf.

Kai snapped back, standing up straight as if he could hide after he’d already been seen. He was starting to sweat. 

Oh, this is scary. I don’t think I’ve ever been inside while he was working before. I should buy something before I ask, so if he says no, I don’t look like I showed up here for nothing.

Kai looked down at his puzzle. Then he looked up at the store floor. He looked at his hands. He looked at the clock. 

Was he going crazy? It could be heat stroke. The store wasn’t that hot, it being the tail end of winter and all, but Kai never took off his hoodie while he was working. He didn’t want to leave it in the back room and misplace it. Was Taehyun shouting his thoughts across the store? Saying every thought out loud to mess with him?

He looked out onto the floor again. Anton was restocking the classical records in the back of the store, and Lily was repricing the second-hand records they’ve been failing to sell. Neither of them seemed bothered by Taehyun’s presence at all. Neither of them seemed to have heard him the same way Kai had. 

Every minute he spent in the store, Kai could feel himself unraveling. Taehyun moved slowly, taking his time looking through the music. He wondered if the hours were starting to take a toll on him, if the loneliness had begun to drive him crazy. Maybe it was Taehyun who did this to him. He made him all mixed up inside. Jittery and anxious. Crazy.

It was an eternity later when Taehyun finally came up to the counter, two albums in hand.  Kai watched him with wide eyes, somehow still stunned to see him. As if he were an apparition, a ghost suddenly showing itself at the foot of his bed, his hands shook in surprise. His lips didn’t move as Kai heard his voice in his head. His face didn’t even twitch. He looked at him as if he’d address the voice Kai was hearing just moments ago. If he’d say anything similar to them at all.

I’m already making bad financial decisions. I don’t even have anything to play these on. 

Kai shook his head, and his hair fell into his eyes. It felt good to be able to hide away, even if it was only a little. “Um. Did you find everything okay?” He was distracted.

Ah. He looks like he doesn’t want to see me. Fuck, I really messed up the other day. It was apologetic and sincere in a way that Kai had never heard Taehyun speak before. Not to him, anyway, who was on the receiving end of monotonous one-liners and shaky hums. I feel bad.

Kai couldn’t help but stare at his mouth. It couldn’t be a trick of the light. It was true. He could hear Taehyun’s voice without him moving his lips at all. Clear as day. 

“Yeah,” Taehyun nodded, pulling out his wallet. I want to be better. It’s like our friendship meter is at 0.5% right now. “Hey. Your shift ends at the same time as always, right?”

Kai was starting to get freaked out. He nodded, barely able to snap out of his stupor. How could he be hearing Taehyun’s voice in his head? “Yeah. I’m just about to get off. Why?”

“Do you still need a ride home?” Please say yes. Taehyun didn’t look at him, too busy handling his wallet and staring down at the counter, but Kai could hear the sincerity of his voice in his head. He was begging, but when he looked up, his face was the same as it always was. Neutral, not giving away anything at all. 

“Yeah,” Kai said, despite himself. Taehyun paid for his albums. Back In Black by AC/DC on vinyl and 1 of 1 by SHINEE on cassette. He couldn’t help but mentally store away the info. “If you don’t mind…”

“I don’t.” +5 points. That was good. Okay, actually +3. I sounded too flat. He pocketed his wallet, his lips pressing flat as if upset. It was the same look Kai saw on him often, the look that made him think he didn’t want Kai around. This is probably why he thinks we have problems. 

Kai stared at him. He was hearing Taehyun’s thoughts as if they were his own. They came to him loudly, combating his own train of thought and distracting him. It was jarring to hear his voice but not see his mouth move. To have him in his head like that, to be so close. He almost wanted to laugh, delirious.

“It’s just a few more minutes, so if you want to wait for me in the break room, you can.” 

Taehyun shook his head. I won’t be able to see him from there. “Right here is fine.” He leaned up against the wall near Kai’s register, one foot resting flat against it. He held his shopping bag in one hand and shoved the other back into his jacket pocket. He’s still looking? Be cool. How do the guys do it in movies again? Does he even like cool guys?

It didn't take him very long to understand what was happening. His hands shook as he came to his conclusion, and it was a great feat to keep his composure. 

Kai could read Taehyun's mind. He could hear him and all his thoughts.

He couldn’t help the smile starting to grow on his face. He turned away to hide it, willing himself not to laugh as he distracted himself by changing the CD on the store speakers. He was starting to understand now as he came out of his shock. Pieces of the puzzle were clicking into place satisfyingly. 

Ah, I should ask Yeonjun if I can borrow his record player one day. I can’t believe I did this just to talk to him. 

As time went on, with overhearing Taehyun’s thoughts came a small itch in his palms. Guilt and hesitance. But his curiosity about Taehyun was enough to push that away. He was entertaining, endlessly interesting in the way he thought to himself about everything and nothing. He didn’t have many thoughts, at least not a long and winding stream of them as Kai did. Kai had that bad habit of overthinking and dizzying himself in his storm of worries. Taehyun’s thoughts were neat and organized compared to his. 

As Kai watched him from the corner of his eye, he realized that most things about Taehyun were neat and organized. His car, the way he dressed, and the way he spoke in curt words, cutting out all the unnecessary. It was only the ridiculousness of it all that softened him. It was the way Taehyun worried about the small things, like how he was standing and how long he kept his hands in his pockets. 

Anton had finished his task and made his way to the front of the store. He eyed Taehyun for a minute or two before speaking. “Do you need help with anything? Looking for something you couldn’t find?”

“No, I’m just waiting for my friend.” He nodded to Kai and stood up straight, almost as if he were challenging Anton to say anything else about it. Defensive, despite standing a few inches shorter than him. 

Kai had never seen that on him before, and couldn’t help but feel giddy at the way he addressed him. My friend. Was that what he wanted to be? Had there ever been an attempt?

I hope he didn’t think that was weird. Taehyun stole a glance at him, and Kai turned away as if he’d been the one to be caught. It happened too often, as if they were magnets but couldn’t get too close before they were pulled away from each other. If nothing else, I really do want to be friends. 

As he listened to Taehyun’s thoughts, every once in a while, Kai would hear his name attached to a compliment that made him want to hide his face in his shoulder. Taehyun would fondly recount a past meeting that Kai had tried to erase from his memory out of embarrassment. It was strange to hear things from Taehyun’s perspective. Strange to hear himself thought of in this way. 

Most of all, it was strange to know Taehyun thought of him in this way at all. They came in intervals, and waiting to hear them rather than listening to the clock tick made the rest of his shift go by quickly.

Taehyun thought of him kindly. That was more of a shock to Kai than suddenly being able to hear his thoughts. They worked as a corrective lens of sorts, aiding Kai in seeing the microexpressions on Taehyun’s face more clearly. The interest in his eyes when Kai moved about the room, the eagerness in his steps when Kai let him know they could leave.

“So, um,” Kai started, kicking at the rocks under his feet as they walked.

Taehyun followed behind him closely. God, look at him. I wish he sat in the front seat with me. It’s hard to see him when he’s in the back. 

“What kind of sound system do you use?” He pointed to the bag in Taehyun’s hands. “For the– For your music.”

“I can play tapes in my car,” Taehyun said simply. “I don’t listen to them a lot because all I have are leftover cassettes my sister recorded for herself. So I bought one.”

Kai had tried his hardest to see things in the past. To try to decipher every look and move Taehyun made and figure out what they could mean. He had failed endlessly, simply concluding that Taehyun disliked him, but hearing the thoughts in his voice accompany the blank, and almost emotionless expressions gave him the exact thing he’d been chasing all this time. 

Clarity. Acceptance. Confidence. He almost felt silly as he swelled with it. There was an open door. A calling to him he’d finally been able to hear.

How could he not have seen it before? 

“Oh! That’s cool. Is your sister into music? Making mixtapes and stuff?”

Taehyun thought for a moment, falling behind. “Not really. She just didn’t like the radio.”

For the first time, Kai climbed into the passenger seat of Taehyun’s car. It was sort of freeing in a way. To act on something with the knowledge that it was exactly the right thing to do felt good. He smiled. It was like finding an instruction manual for a game you’d never been able to beat.

Oh, shit. 

“Is this okay?” Kai asked, buckling his seatbelt. He knew it was, but Taehyun’s reaction conjured something in him he couldn’t resist. 

The hula girl was on his dashboard again, but Kai said nothing about it.

Taehyun nodded, his eyes wide and unblinking. He’s sitting next to me... +5 points.

The satisfaction was almost too much. Taehyun was adorable when he thought nobody could hear him. Kai had to keep himself from staring in an attempt to pick him apart and find out everything else there was to know about him. Now that he could hear his thoughts, all he wanted to do was study him. All he wanted to do was listen and stare, and figure him out. 

There was something about him. The curl of his fingers around the steering wheel, the focus on his face as he pulled out of the parking lot. There was something in the way he moved that made everything seem like a performance. As if he was aware Kai was watching, searching for something, and wanted to give him something nice to look at.

Taehyun handed him his phone, reaching blindly without taking his eyes off the road. I wonder what kind of music he likes. Something cool, probably. 

The very tips of their fingers touched as Kai took it from his hands, and for a second, he forgot about everything. He thought of nothing but every other time they had these little touches. The nothing touches that could barely be counted as a brush of fingers, a press of skin. He felt them all on his body at the same time righ then, a hand on his arm, fingers on his knuckles, things too light to remember.

“Why’d you give this to me?” Kai asked, holding up Taehyun’s phone. He wanted to reach out, just to touch. That was all.

“Oh. You can pick the music today. If you want to.” 

Kai smiled. “You know, I put together that mixtape that was playing in the store. I have a bunch of CDs back there. Our boss is all retro. Doesn’t let us use Bluetooth if we want music.”

Taehyun straightened up in his seat. “Really? You know how to do that?”

“Of course.” Kai took the opportunity to look through Taehyun’s playlists. He had an endless collection, all of which was named and organized neatly by genre, artist, or mood. As he was scrolling, there was one in particular that caught his eye. 

For Kai 

“I’m not good at that kind of stuff,” Taehyun said. “Technology and everything.”

Kai peeked up at him, curious and tempted. “That’s okay. It’s actually really easy when you get into it.” Taehyun seemed none the wiser, likely not expecting Kai to snoop around. He almost felt bad, but it was his curiosity that led him first. 

He pressed play.

The first song that played was One Life by Justin Bieber. As the song played through, Kai couldn’t help the prickle of his skin and the heat rising to his ears. When he looked over, he found Taehyun in a similar state. The lyrics he could understand made the air stiff and suffocating. He rolled up the sleeves of his hoodie.

What are the chances of this being a coincidence? “Are you a fan?” Taehyun asked, jutting his lip out to the stereo. The redness of his ears was spreading to his cheeks.

Kai considered lying for a moment. He couldn’t. “No, not really.” He stared into his lap with his puzzle book untouched and staring back at him. 

“Oh.” Taehyun gripped the wheel tighter as the next song played. 

“You like SHINEE, though, right? Stuff like that?” Kai asked. He nodded to Taehyun’s shopping bag. “I’m more into the AC/DC album you got.”

“I like a lot of things.” Him. I could say it right now. 

The slow unraveling of the mystery that was Kang Taehyun was almost overwhelming. Just moments ago, Kai wanted to know everything there was about him, but now he wanted to willfully close his eyes and hide from this. Another love song. Deep and sultry and wanting. Kai could see Taehyun turn his head from the corner of his eye, but he didn’t look back. He couldn’t. He stared into his lap as the conversation fizzled out. 

This is embarrassing. He didn’t find it, did he?

To spare them both, Kai changed the playlist. Something upbeat and fun. (He was impressed by Taehyun's wide range of music. Maybe, another day, they could talk about it.) When Taehyun’s shoulders relaxed, Kai turned his head to the window, hiding his nervous smile in the reflection of the glass. 

Taehyun thought of him fondly. Much more fondly than Kai could have guessed. It was flattering in a way that made his chest all warm and achy. So achy that it hurt. He’d never been so happy to be proven wrong, and so scared to see the clear answer.

He’s ripping those papers again. Am I making him uncomfortable?

Kai stilled his hands, yet again not realizing his habit until it was too late. He cleared his throat. “I could make you one. If you want.”

“What?”

“A mixtape. Since you said… you’re not good with that sort of thing. I can make one for you.”

Taehyun’s mind was silent, but so was his mouth. He could see his chest expand as he took a deep breath, and for a second, Kai thought he’d imagined the whole ordeal. That Taehyun’s thoughts were simply his own, a reflection of what he wanted to hear.

“Okay. I don’t really have any songs in mind, though.”

“That’s okay,” he said, quickly as familiar streets became too familiar. Kai’s place was right around the corner. The drive home always felt too short to get to know anything more about Taehyun, and too long on the days when he embarrassed himself. Disappointment settled in again. “I can put some together for you. You like a lot of things, right?”

+10 points! 

Kai pressed his lips together so he didn’t laugh in Taehyun’s face. He nearly closed his eyes and counted to three. So this was real. It was happening.

 It was endearing, the way he thought about things. How everything was a calculated affair, how he seemed to overthink and get in his head as much as Beomgyu said he did. 

“If you want to,” Taehyun said. His hands shook against the wheel. “I wouldn’t mind.”

“Recommending music is my job, actually.” Kai smiled. “But I want to.” 

When the car came to a stop, Kai found himself giddy. Childish, almost, and excited in a way he hadn’t been in a long time. For the first time since he could remember, he left Taehyun’s car without shaking. “Thanks for the ride!”

He was halfway to his building when he heard it, muffled from the distance between them but as fond as it could be. Sickeningly sweet.

 He left his papers in here.

“What’s got you smiling like that?” Beomgyu was sitting on the couch watching a nature documentary without him, but even that wasn’t enough to dampen his spirits. “It’s kind of weirding me out. You’re usually depressed after work.”

Kai let his smile come out entirely, his cheeks aching from trying to hide it for so long. “So, basically, I’m a genius.”

He looked at him curiously. “Why?”

“Walk with me, okay? I’m pretty sure I woke up this morning with the ability to read minds.”

Beomgyu barked more than he laughed. “You’re full of shit!”

“I’m serious!”

He sat up, pausing the documentary. “Okay. What am I thinking right now?”

Kai stared at Beomgyu as if the thoughts would come to him the harder he looked. When all he got was a skeptical look back and silence between them, his shoulders dropped. “Okay, so I can’t read your mind, but–”

“Who convinced you that you can read minds? It’s not cool to take advantage of pure souls like you. I need names.” 

Kai pouted, swaying his shoulders. “Nobody! That was just a test.” After a moment. “I can only read Taehyun’s mind.”

Beomgyu squinted. “Taehyunie?”

Kai nodded. 

"How do you know?”

Kai looked at him. “Because I could hear his thoughts? Obviously.”

Beomgyu threw the couch pillow at him, and it bounced off his chest. “I mean, how do you know you’re not going insane?” 

Kai picked up the pillow and made his way to sit next to him. “I just know. I was talking to him today, like really talking. Kind of. Better than we were before! And everything I was hearing was just so…” Kai struggled to find the words. He picked at the skin of his fingers, thinking.

Relevant couldn’t be right. Taehyun never verbally addressed any of his sweet thoughts about Kai, but something about them in relation to what he was doing at the moment made them seem plausible. Something about them made Kai want to believe they were true. 

“It helped,” he said instead. “A lot. I think I understand him a lot better now.”

Beomgyu’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “Well, what were you hearing?” 

The thing about Beomgyu was that he was quick to accept new concepts, no matter how outlandish they might seem. He took Kai’s words as truth as soon as he heard the honesty in his voice, and for that, Kai was always grateful. 

Kai looked away. On the chance that he was truly going insane, that he was making it all up in his head, to have this sort of delusion would be embarrassing to admit. Had he wanted Taheyun to like him that badly? That he would go as far as to hear more than what he wanted to hear? The doubt settled in all at once. 

“I don’t know if I should say… I could be wrong.” He curled in on himself, hugging the pillow to his chest. “I mean, who says I’m not just making it all up–”

“He likes you, doesn’t he?” Beomgyu was grinning ear to ear. He spoke matter-of-factly, more of a statement than a question.

Kai could feel his face start to heat up again, and suddenly, the frozen still of penguins on the TV was much more interesting than anything he had going on that day. “I mean, he doesn’t hate me like I thought he did–”

“Ah, I’m right, as always.” Beomgyu leaned back against the couch, his arms resting behind his head in a cocky sort of confidence that was almost annoying. “I figured as much.”

Kai couldn’t help his embarrassment. He was starting to overheat. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, he only acts weird around you.” Beomgyu pulled his lips into a straight line with his fingers, imitating the face Taehyun often wore. The look Kai had now come to learn meant he was deep in thought. “I’ve never seen him make this face so much. I knew he was hiding something.”

“Why didn’t you tell me!” Kai pulled Beomgyu’s hands away from his face. “I thought I did something to make him hate me all this time! I didn’t know he was just awkward!”

“Everyone tried to tell you!”

Kai slumped down into the couch and turned to the TV. “Whatever. Press play, please. I can’t believe you’re watching this without me. I thought this was our thing.”

“Hey, but. Don’t you think you should tell him about this?”

Kai side-eyed him. “He’ll think I’m crazy and then he’ll really hate me.”

“But isn’t it kind of an invasion of privacy?” 

Kai brought the pillow up to his face, hiding his nose into the softness of it. There was the guilt of it all, underneath his giddy satisfaction. But it wasn’t his fault, was it? How could it be? “Yeah, but…” 

He didn’t want to say it out loud, but the fear of Taehyun knowing and being able to block him out was at the forefront of his mind. Without being able to hear Taehyun’s thoughts, how was he supposed to navigate conversations with him? How was he supposed to know what to do, what to say? 

“Yeah. I’ll tell him.”

જ⁀➴ ♡

Kai spilled his drink, and an ice cube fell into his lap. He jumped, watching his Coke leak across the table. Soobin invited them all for dinner. He insisted it was his treat,  so nobody was going to turn it down. “Oh, shit! Pick up your phones!”

“Kai, what the hell?” 

“I’m sorry,” he said absentmindedly, wiping the table with the shitty restaurant napkins as he watched Taehyun walk through the doors. He scanned the room to find them, smiling when Yeonjun waved him over. 

Taehyun was wearing boots that made him look taller. His sweater, seeing as it was technically still winter, was rolled up his forearms to reveal cat scratches and fine hair. He squeezed into the booth next to Yeonjun, sitting directly across from him. 

“What happened here?” he asked, his arms raised to avoid touching the wet table. 

“Kai freaked and spilled his drink,” Soobin said, shaking soda off his phone. 

“It was an accident!” 

He’s pouting. He’s the only one who can still look cute like this. 

Kai resisted the urge to shriek as Taehyun picked up a few napkins to help, wiping the table down without a word. It would be sticky for the rest of the night. 

He flushed red with embarrassment and appreciation. “Thanks…”

The rest of the night went a little something like that. The idea that he had to be completely honest with Taehyun had been stuck in his head. He couldn’t possibly tell him when they were in a group together, though, could he? They’d think he was doing a bit. They (except for Beomgyu) would think he was insane. 

He felt like he was swimming up to his ears. A little floaty, a little disoriented. 

It was hard to follow the conversation in the group because Taehyun’s thoughts were just as loud as his own. As time went on, it was increasingly difficult to decipher if Taehyun had said anything out loud or if Kai was just hearing things he wasn’t supposed to. 

Taehyun had never been very talkative when they were all together like this. Had it only been two or three of them, he was sure Taehyun would be talking up a storm, saying this or that. When they were all together, he just watched, chiming in a few times here or there.

Kai and Soobin hyung are really close. He’s close with everyone, actually. Except me. 

Kai would look up at Taehyun every time he heard his voice, struggling to differentiate what was thought or spoken word. Taehyun would look back, and they’d stare at each other as if they’d been caught doing something they weren’t supposed to. 

His hands are pretty. It’s like he always needs to keep them busy. Was it weird that I kept those papers he left in my car? 

Kai dropped the napkin he’d been ripping up. Then he picked it up again. 

His mind was split into two parts. Following the conversation and listening to Taehyun’s off-topic thoughts was dizzying. Yeonjun would tap the table in front of him to grab his attention, asking him his questions a second time. A third time. 

Soobin said something about Kai being distracted by someone, and he kicked him under the table in retaliation. Did everyone have strange ideas about him?

“Ah! Beomgyu, he kicked me.”

“So? What am I supposed to do about it?” 

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without that necklace on. Shit, he caught me looking again.

Kai had the urge to reach out again. He could stretch his long arms across the table and grab Taehyun's fingers. He could stitch their hands together, melding warm skin with cold. He didn't, of course. There was no reason to act on such a ridiculous thought.

“Kai, look,” Yeonjun said, ignoring Beomgyu and Soobin arguing. Kai didn’t have that luxury. They were sitting on Kai’s right and left sides, talking right into his ears. “There’s a piano over there.” 

He can play? 

He closed his eyes. Kai’s head was starting to hurt. He wanted to get out of there. Go home, or step outside where he could hear more sounds of the city than he could his friends. “Yeah, I’ve been playing since I was young. But right now…” He jumped, suddenly opening his eyes to check on Taehyun again. It had been too late before he realized that he hadn’t said anything out loud. 

“Come on,” Yeonjun pushed. “Just a little. We love watching you play.” He nudged at Taehyun then. “And there’s a guy here that’s never seen it before.”

Taehyun’s eyes were bouncing between them, wide and sparking in interest. He seemed to be holding his breath, trying and failing not to look too invested. Kai felt as if his chest might cave in. Like it was something hollow, as if everything else had been shoveled out to make room for whatever this feeling was.

Taehyun’s attention was on him, and it had been the entire time. He preened under it, his hopeful eyes, his curiosity. His eyes dropped to look at Kai’s hands again. 

His hands really are pretty. I bet he takes care of them for this. I want to see him play. 

Kai sighed. Yeonjun looked at him with his warm expression, the one he used on Kai to soften him and mold him to his liking. Taehyun was looking at him, too, and Taehyun was just Taehyun. He had that way about him. 

“Okay, fine.” He shoved at Soonin's shoulder to let him up. His head was pounding in tandem with his heart. He wondered if Taehyun could hear it. “Since Taehyun hasn’t seen it yet.” 

Kai made his way to the piano against the wall. It was in the back of the restaurant, sat closer to the bar and a few single tables. His hands shook, but only for a second before they found their rightful place on the keys. 

The thing was old. The bench creaked under his weight. He sat up straight, the habit drilled into him when his fingers fell into place. 

I can’t stop thinking of the word pretty when I see him. There’s no other way to describe him. 

Kai started to play, and the chatter of the restaurant simmered down to make room for his song. It was a familiar tune, nearly muscle memory at this point. Some of the keys squeaked, whispered notes, but he’d be the only one to notice. He hardly thought of the mistakes at all, however, too focused on the feeling of Taehyun’s eyes on him.

Perfect, maybe. I wonder what else he can do. 

He couldn’t help but show off a little. With Taehyun watching, he thought he could do anything.

જ⁀➴ ♡

Kai used the computer behind the counter at work to put together his mixtape for Taehyun. It was easier to do it there than at home, where he could be reminded how personal it all was.
He’d never taken anything as serious as this. He’d give Taehyun these little pieces of himself and hope Taehyun would give something back. Open up a little more, say the words that his thoughts whispered for him. 

Kai could see through the cracks, hear all there was to hear, but there was a different feeling that came from Taehyun saying things himself. Using his voice and relaxing his posture. There was satisfaction in the decoding, the unraveling of his guarded exterior. I wouldn’t mind. Words so simple, but they meant all the world to Kai. There was no mystery to him anymore, only the sense that he could reach through the glass and stand next to him.

There was a strange confidence that came with all this. Being able to hear his thoughts. To know his conversation was wanted, his presence, and his willingness to give. It was a feeling unfamiliar to him. 

He was surrounded by CDs, crumbled-up paper, and dry ink pens. He’d switched to a pencil. His puzzle book acted as a notepad as he mapped out the order of the songs he wanted to rip from the CDs around him. His workspace was small, and he was often interrupted when a customer came by, but it was meditative in a way. 

“Oh, thank God,” Yeonjun said, peeking over his shoulder. 

Kai leaned forward to block the computer screen. “What?”

“You’re making a new CD, right? For the store?”

Kai put down his pencil. Half of the songs on his list had been crossed out, eliminating those that didn’t exactly fit the vibe he was going for. He’d reordered them, trying to make his choices cohesive before scrapping them altogether. “Um, no. I’m not keeping this one here.”

“Kai, please spare me.” 

“Fine.” Kai pouted his lips, turning back to the computer. “You can change the music if you want. I’m not really listening to that anymore.”

Yeonjun cheered quietly and turned to shuffle through the stack of CDs beside them. Their space was a mess, but Yeonjun somehow found his favorite album every time. 

Kai hadn’t gotten very far with the mixtape. It was sort of embarrassing to give Taehyun pieces of his heart like this. He’d second-guess every song choice, and as he crossed out his tracklist yet again, he was starting to realize that it was more difficult than he’d imagined. 

Kai slumped in his chair, his head falling into his hand. He had three songs so far. His puzzle book was worse for wear. Torn up, folded, and written all over. Well loved. Well used. There was a soda stain on the cover. Rainwater blurred the pages in the very back. 

“Hyung,” Kai called, tapping his pencil against the counter. He couldn’t choose love songs. He couldn’t choose anything too emotional, anything that would give him too many parts of himself. He only wanted to be open. Only wanted to share the small things, to let him know honesty was a two-way street.

“You can’t change your mind now, it’s my turn.”

“Do you know what Taehyun’s favorite song is?” He would add his own preferences and mix them up with Taehyun’s. That was the way to do it. A perfect balance of them both. Something that would share the cards in his hand but not reveal too much. 

He should’ve looked at Taehyun’s playlists more closely.

“Oh. Oh.” Yeonjun grinned, drawing out the word like he knew something Kai didn’t. His giggles gave him away, his thoughts and assumptions becoming clear. 

Kai hid his face behind his hands, covered by the sleeves of his hoodie. He knew what Yeonjun was thinking. He’d known him too long not to know what that face meant. “Stop it. I’m just asking.” 

Yeonjun leaned over again, looking at his list of songs. “Well, it changes all the time, but it’s not any of these.”

Kai pulled his list towards him, almost protective. “I didn’t think so. I said I was just wondering…”

Yeonjun looked through Kai’s stack of CDs, shifting the albums out of their messy order that he’d familiarized himself with. Korean and Western rock, pop albums from their front display shelf, small-name indie albums nobody wanted to buy. Kai grabbed it all. “You should ask him.”

“Huh?”

“You have his number, don’t you?” He pointed to Kai’s phone, and it suddenly became daunting. An oppressive thing sitting face up on the counter. “I gave it to you.” 

“What? I’m not going to just– We’ve never texted or anything before.” His hands and feet went numb at the idea, tingling as if pricked by a thousand needles.

“Well, there’s always going to be a first time. Why not now?”

Kai thought for a moment. The thought made him dizzy. “I’m… at work. I’m working.”

Yeonjun gave him a face. “No, you’re not. We don’t even have customers right now.”

He wouldn’t be able to hear what Taehyun was thinking through the phone. He’d be back at square one, left out in the ocean to drown. He wouldn’t know what to say if he couldn’t hear him. “I’m waiting for them? I’m trying to be a good employee.”

“Give me your phone.”

“No!” Kai snatched it up from the counter, holding it closely to his chest. “I’m busy, I have to do this. I don’t have time for,” he paused, waving his free hand vaguely. “That stuff.” 

Yeonjun smiled again, irritating. “And what is that stuff exactly? You’re just texting a friend, no big deal.”

“You’re provoking me right now. Stop it.”

Yeonjun leaned back, his bottom lip jutting out as he pouted. Kai looked away so he didn’t do something stupid like cave and give Yeonjun his phone to do god knows what. “Just trying to help. He’s probably waiting for it, you know.” 

Kai wrote down another song. Moonlight boy by cherryfilter. He crossed it out immediately. “Why would he be waiting for me to text him?”

“I told him I gave you his number. He’s probably been waiting for a text for a while.”

His mouth dropped open. “Why?”

“Just to get the ball rolling.”

"Why?” 

It’s probably too early, but I should let him know I’m prepared anyway. 

“I’ve seen the way you–”

Kai waved his hands, frantic. “Shh! Stop, he’s coming!”

Taehyun walked through the doors seconds later, his eyes finding Kai’s immediately. He was holding a Discman with wired headphones attached, his steps rhythmic and bouncy. He looked lost in the music, looking at Kai as if he had no reason to look away. 

“How did you know–”

Taehyun came up to the counter, setting his Discman down. He stared at Kai blankly for a second too long, and Kai stared back. His cheeks were warm, his mouth parting as if to speak, but he couldn’t think of anything to say with Taehyun looking at him this way. It was different from all the other looks he gave. Something warmer, more hopeful, maybe. 

He did his hair differently today. It’s pretty. 

His first instinct was to reach up and touch his bangs. They were pushed back, split down the middle to clear up his face as he worked. He needed a haircut. “Hi,” he said, looking away. He made eye contact with Yeonjun’s confused face, and that was worse, so he turned back to Taehyun.

“I bought this the other day,” Taehyun said, tapping his fingers against his Discman. He didn’t look away from Kai, and the eye contact was too much. “For CDs. I didn’t know they still sold these.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m not done with yours yet…” He said, strangely guilty for not working fast enough. He slowly pulled his book into his lap, hiding it away. “I was actually just working on it.”

“Can I see what you have?”

“No!” He took a breath, catching himself. “I mean, it’s better if you just wait until I’m done.” 

I can’t wait. He sounded excited, and something about that made Kai smile. I should get him something in return.

“I’ll be done soon! I promise.”

He’s really serious about this. Taehyun eyed the mess on the counter. I wonder if he takes everything else he does this seriously.

Taehyun smiled, and that was just enough to disarm Kai and melt the tension from his body. His shock and surprise at Taehyun’s sudden appearance were replaced with delight, an aching feeling in his chest that felt too good not to put his hand over. He tried to hold the feeling and catch it between his fingers, the warmth of Taehyun’s smile and the weight of his unwavering eyes. 

It was a real smile. Maybe the first one Kai had gotten from him, for him. Every other thought escaped him, replaced only with images of Taehyun’s lips pulled wide with his teeth peeking through. His cheeks rounded out, pink coloring them as Kai smiled back.

“Okay,” Taehyun said. “I’m going to look around.” 

“Okay,” Kai replied, distracted. 

Yeonjun flicked his ear.  “Ask him,” he mouthed. 

“Hey, wait,” Kai called, reaching over the counter but not quite touching him. He had stepped too far away. “Just for reference, do you have a favorite song?”

Taehyun thought about it for a moment, looking up at the ceiling again. He hummed, his lips screwing up as he contemplated. “Probably Dance The Night Away by TWICE.” 

Kai laughed before he could stop himself. It came out as a puff of air through his lips, more of a surprised sound than anything. He brought his hand up to his mouth, but it was too late. 

Taehyun frowned. He’s laughing at me? I didn’t want to lie and say anything else, though.

“I’m sorry!” Kai said, hoping his smile didn’t look too teasing. “I’m sorry, I'm not laughing at you. I just didn’t expect that at all. I-I like that song too. We have TWICE LPs here, if you’re interested.” 

Taehyun looked at him, his frown disappearing. He’s too nice. What an angel. He’s cute when he’s flustered. 

Kai ducked his head down. He shouldn’t be hearing this. “Anyway, I’ll keep that in mind…”

Taehyun liked him. He wasn’t sure how to move forward with that. He held it close to his chest anyway. The knowledge sat next to his music, next to his heart.

He’s really pretty like this. What do I say to keep talking to him? It would be a shame to just leave like this. I don’t even know what I was expecting today. “What’s yours?” 

“My favorite song?” He panicked, not yet ready to say it out loud. He looked down at his lap, where his puzzle book stayed hidden. Scribbled lists of songs he loved, songs he liked, and always found himself coming back to. The CDs around him, the vinyl on the shelves, the tapes in the back of the store. He was surrounded by music. He could say anything. He could lie, but he wasn’t much of a liar. Not when he could hear every one of Taehyun’s truths. 

I like seeing him at work. He squints his eyes when he’s focused on something. Oh. I wonder if he needs glasses like I do.

Giving Taehyun this song would attach him to it. He’d think of him every time he listened to it. He’d think of the song every time he saw him. It was just the way his mind worked. Linking things together, grouping one thing with the other. It was why he kept his favorite songs to himself. It felt like giving them up, passing them on to someone else to love. 

“Silvery Sometimes by The Smashing Pumpkins.” And there it was. His song was Taehyun’s song.

“Can you put that on the CD?” 

Kai’s chest stuttered, his breath strangely shaky. He looked at Taehyun, and Taehyun looked at him. “Of course.” His song was their song. 

Maybe we really could get closer.

Later, Taehyun drove them home just as he usually did. It felt strange, seeing Taehyun for longer than a couple of minutes a day. He hung around the store until their shift ended, sitting on the worn-down couch by the listening area. There was a record player with a pair of headphones connected to it. He didn’t listen to any songs, though. He simply sat there on the couch, waiting. 

Kai beat Yeonjun to the passenger seat door, and there was a scuffle before Taehyun sighed, pointing Yeonjun to the back. 

“You get dropped off first,” he said. “Wouldn’t it be weird to leave Kai back there and have him move to the front after?” 

I’d rather sit next to Kai than anything. I can’t see him much because I’m driving, but having him there feels good. 

Yeonjun pouted the entire ride, mumbling something about favoritism and his best friends choosing each other over him. He didn’t mean it, though. Kai could see the small pull of his lips as he watched Taehyun make awkward conversation. 

“Do you need a new one of those?” He pointed to Kai’s puzzle book without taking his eyes off the road. “I mean, you take it everywhere, and it’s kinda…”

“Ugly?” Yeonjun finished. 

Kai laughed, but he held his book closer. “It’s just old. And used. I… I mean, I will get a new one eventually, but I’m kind of attached to the ugliness. It’s kind of charming in its own way, right?” 

Taehyun hummed. I’ll buy him a new one. Does he like word puzzles, too? “It’s falling apart,” he said flatly. 

Kai smiled, his chest aching as sap oozed from his heart. Gross and gooey and soft. “I just like puzzles. I think they’re fun, even though I’m not very good at them.” 

“All sorts of puzzles?” 

Yeonjun’s building was coming up. Kai almost felt bad for pushing him to the back to listen. Almost. 

“Yeah. Word puzzles, math puzzles. Now that I think of it, people are sort of like puzzles, too, don’t you think? You know, like figuring out who they are and what they’re thinking about.”

The car came to a stop, and Taehyun looked at him. If he were a puzzle, I don’t know if I’d be able to figure him out. Do I even want to know what he thinks of me? “I don’t know. People are just people. You’re not supposed to know everything about them like that.” 

Yeonjun made a sound. Annoyed, petulant. “Okay, goodbye, guys. If you even care about me!”

“Bye, hyung!” they both said. Yeonjun slammed the door.

Kai turned back to him. Taehyun started driving again. 

“I don’t know. I think I’d want someone to take the time to try and understand me that way.” His face heated up, realizing he spoke without thinking. He shrugged, though he wasn’t sure if Taehyun saw it. “I mean, I don’t know. You’re right. People are just people.” 

He tore the edges of his book. The sound of paper was all there was for a moment. 

“I like puzzles too,” Taehyun said. Maybe I should tell him. His ears went red. No, it’s way too soon. Our friendship isn’t even at 15%. 

“Well, I guess we’re meant to be friends then,” Kai said. He couldn’t help himself. The way Taehyun looked at him made him all warm. It felt like stepping into a pool of warm water, submerging himself up to his ears. 

Oh. Well. We’re friends. We really are friends. 

Suddenly emboldened, full of confidence, he asked: “Actually, are you doing anything right now?” 

I was going to go to the gym after I dropped him off. “No, I’m not busy. Why?”

“Do you wanna hang out? Or something.” Saying the words out loud, he picked at the skin of his fingers. He couldn’t help but feel exposed, far too open, but the cool air felt nice on his skin. His burning cheeks cooled, and Taehyun smiled again. The sight was starting to become one of his favorite things to see. 

“Anything in mind?” 

Kai looked out the window. “Uh. Well, we’re kind of already at my place. So…” He wrung his wrists with his fingers. “Do you just want to come in? I don’t really like going out places.” 

I think I might start shaking. Shit, wait. Act cool. This is cool and normal. 

“Yes,” he agreed awkwardly. “Sure. That’s cool.”

Taehyun was awkward as they walked up to his building. The rainy days were slowly dwindling, but the wind persisted. It was biting, but Taehyun’s body walking side by side next to his own could fend off the coldest winds. 

Why am I so nervous right now? 

“Beomgyu hyung is usually home when I get off from work, so it won’t be just us.” He opened the door. “Hey, I brought–”

“Woah, Taehyun!” Beomgyu was too loud. They were going to get noise complaints again. 

“Hi, hyung.” He toed off his shoes, lining them up neatly next to Kai’s.

“Yes, I brought Taehyun over.” Kai reached for his hand before he thought better of it. “We’re going to be in my room, so don’t bother us.” 

He sped down the hall before he could hear Beomgyu’s answer, but based on the volume of his following laugh, he wasn’t interested in hearing it. Taehyun followed behind him quickly, and Kai could feel his eyes on the back of his neck. 

I didn’t even know he lived with Beomgyu hyung. Could we have met each other sooner? 

Kai opened his room door, realizing too late how intimate it would be to invite Taehyun in. Posters lined his walls, some new, some old. Some pink with shojo flowers, some that didn’t match the others at all. He had a small collection of Pokémon plushies on his bed of messy sheets, a shelf of manga, and CDs. His guitar leaned against the wall, collecting dust, and his laptop was left open with a screensaver from Haikyuu!! 

Everything in his room were little parts of him too. An extra limb.

“Um, well, this is where the magic happens.” He regretted saying it immediately. “Sorry–”

I’m in Kai’s room. I'm so nervous, I can’t help it. If I speak, I think my voice will shake.

“You can sit on my bed if you want.” 

Everything was awkward, probably worse than it was weeks ago before the whole mind-reading thing. (Kai was trying not to think of the logistics of it. He accepted it and the benefits easily, starting to enjoy the tickle of Taehyun’s voice in his head. He welcomed his thoughts as if they were his own, as if they had always shared a brain and a body.) Kai sat himself in his desk chair, and it was so far from Taehyun that his legs started to feel cold. 

Taehyun still hadn’t said much. He sat on the edge of Kai’s bed with his posture stick-straight and looked around the room. Kai couldn’t help but feel self-conscious with all of his things on display. All of himself. 

“Sorry about the mess. I haven’t had time to clean, and I just invited you over without thinking.” 

“I didn’t know you liked Pokémon too.” 

Kai sat up, surprised. “Oh! You like Pokémon?”

Taehyun gestured to Kai’s collection of plushies. Cubone, Totodile, Oshawott. Taehyun picked up Glaceon. “Yeah, since I was a kid.”

Kai stood up from his chair, and the wheels rolled back with the force of his excitement. “I have Pokémon cards too if you want to see!” 

Kai was searching for them before he could see Taehyun’s nod. 

“I have them all in this binder. It’s been a while since I organized them, and I’ve been collecting them since I was a kid, so there’s a lot in here.” He tossed his binder on his bed, crawling to sit next to Taehyun. “Me and my sisters used to play with them, but I don’t think we were doing it right. I always rigged the game so I would win and made up new rules.”

His passion is so cute. He’s so excited. “Can I look?” He asked, his hand hovering over Kai’s binder. 

“Oh, yeah! Yeah, here, go ahead.” 

Taehyun took it into his lap. They sat side by side, and Kai couldn’t help but notice the way Taehyun leaned into him. Their shoulders were overlapping, their knees pressed up against each other. It melted away the cold of his room, making the distance between them a thing of the past. They fit together like puzzle pieces, and Kai imagined them clicking into place and walking around as one person. Shoulder to shoulder, hands interlaced, pressed together so close that their feet kicked at each other's ankles.

Kai’s hand brushed against Taehyun’s as they flipped the pages together, his fingertips meeting Taehyun’s knuckles. The touch was as light as a breath against his neck. He would remember it.

He’s so close. I can’t focus on the cards in front of me. 

Kai leaned in, pressing their sides closer together. The air was starting to feel warm between them. They were two people squeezing together and feeding off each other's body heat. His room was so small.

Taehyun was even prettier up close like this. His eyes were staring blankly at the pages, unfocused and trying not to stray. Kai’s fingers twitched and itched to reach out to caress his face. To trace the tall slope of his nose, the round highs of his cheekbones. He wondered what Taehyun would do if he pressed his thumb into his bottom lip.

Suddenly, Taehyun closed Kai’s binder, his hand pressing firmly against it. He turned to Kai, and their faces were so close that he had to cross his eyes to see him. Neither of them pulled back. Neither of them said anything. 

I think I want to kiss him. 

Kai turned his head away, the heat between them getting to him and pinkening his face. His ears. He had to resist the urge to bring his hand up and touch his lips. Would they be soft enough for him? Would he be good enough? He could taste his own tongue in his mouth, and he wondered if Taehyun tasted the same.

“So, have you eaten yet?” he asked. 

“I’m not hungry,” Taehyun replied. “I’ll eat later.” 

“Okay.” 

Silence fell between them again, barely managing to fit between the space where their bodies were still pressed together. They were touching, finally. All this time, Kai wanted to reach out and feel him again. The way he’d grabbed his wrist at the bowling alley wasn’t pleasant enough. Deep down, he knew it could be better. He knew it would be right if he wrapped his hand around his bicep instead, holding with the intention to hold, not the urge to push away. 

Kai could reach out too. He could press them closer together. Press his arms against Taehyun’s arms, his legs against Taehyun’s legs. He could press their chests together until their faces had no choice but to join as well. 

He’d gotten what he wanted. He had it all along. Taehyun liked him. Liked him well enough to think of him the way he did and not pull away when Ka’s bigger body leaned into his smaller one. But for some reason, it still wasn’t enough. Somehow, he found himself wanting more. 

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

Kai stared at the side of Taehyun’s face the entire time, listening to his thoughts. All of his thoughts were about Kai, and something about that was contagious. Kai couldn’t stop thinking about Taehyun either. His skin was tanner than Kai’s was, but his ears had been pink since they got inside. The back of his hair was flat, pressed against his head from the headrest in his car. This close, Kai could see his contacts. He wondered what he’d look like in glasses.

Neither of them paid attention to the movie at all. It was as if they were watching each other. That was much more interesting anyway. 

જ⁀➴ ♡

You: 

did yui get home safe?

you* 

Kai held his breath as he sent the message, his hands shaking as he typed. There was always going to be a first time. Kai decided it was now.

K. Taehyun: 

Who is this? 

Kai? 

You: 

yes  

srry 

hihi. yeonjunie gave me your number a long time ago

K. Taehyun: 

Oh right 

Yes~ I’m home safe ^o^

Kai put his phone down, dropping his head into his hands. He was lying on his stomach in his bed, his Pokémon card binder poking into his ribcage. He’d given Taehyun at least 5 to take home with him. 

Taehyun was cute. Even the way he typed was cute. The look on his face when Kai let him pick out his favorite Pokémon was cute, and the way his mind never stopped thinking about how close Kai was sitting was cute. 

He wondered what Taehyun was doing right then. Had he gone to the gym like he originally planned? Was he in his room, sprawled out on his bed the same way Kai was? Were they mirrors of each other? Had he washed up, changing into comfortable clothes nobody else was supposed to see? 

You: 

that’s good ^^

i was tinkinf of more songs to put on your mixtape 

what ru doing?

thinking*

minor spelling mistake. i’m going to blow up the world -_-

K. Taehyun:

hahahaha

I just washed up after a short run

It gets too cold after dark so I don’t recommend ㅜㅜ

But the moon was too pretty. I had to see it 

Kai put his phone down again. He was probably going to die any minute now. Taehyun seemed to be more carefree through text. The mysterious side and awkward exterior melted away. Through a screen, Taehyun could find confidence. Kai could only feel the opposite.

K. Taehyun: 

Is the mixtape almost done? 

You: 

ack! i’m really sorry 

ㅠㅠ 

i’m almost done i promise i’ll finish it quickly..!

K. Taehyun: 

No rush ^^ 

Take your time. I’ll like it either way 

Kai stared at the screen as Taehyun’s typing bubble appeared and disappeared over again for three whole minutes.

K. Taehyun:

Because you’re the one that made it 

Kai threw his phone off the edge of his bed, and then dived right after it when his phone buzzed again. His phone clattered to the floor as his elbows met the cold hardwood, and it was all much louder than he anticipated. 

Beomgyu called out to him. “Kai? Are you okay? Are we getting robbed?” 

“No, it’s fine!” he yelled back. “I’m just… I’m just so doomed.”

K. Taehyun: 

I have something for you too. You’ll get it when you’re done

જ⁀➴ ♡

As the days went on, Kai obsessed over the mix. 

At dinner, he’d sit next to Beomgyu on the couch as they watched some nature documentary—dinosaurs this time—and scribble song titles in the smeared sauce at the bottom of his bowl. He’d catch himself mumbling as he took inventory at work, and struggled to follow the conversation in Taehyun’s car on the way home, too focused on listening to the barely there music playing from his stereo to get a feel for what else he liked.

If sharing just one thing about himself made Taehyun that happy, Kai would share more. After that day, it was easy to gather up all his favorite songs in his hands and give them over to Taehyun. The hard part was limiting himself and narrowing down the number of tracks he’d put on the CD.

“It’s getting really creepy,” Yeonjun said one day. 

Kai was hunched in his stool behind the counter, shrimp style. He’d finally organized all the songs he wanted, narrowing them down to 20. The CD would come out to nearly an hour and a half. For a moment, he wondered if that was too long, if he overdid it, but the thoughts were quickly whisked away as he began downloading the sound files. None of the songs could be removed, he’d chosen and organized them in a way that flowed together so nicely that he almost wanted to keep the mixtape for himself. 

CD cases were strewn about, no different from the messes he’d been making for days now. He hadn’t said a word his entire shift. 

“What do you mean?” he asked. His voice was hoarse from underuse.

“Like, is it really that serious?” He poked at the page Kai had all the songs written on. There was a small hole in the center, burned from his pencil eraser. “I haven’t seen you do anything else for days.”

“Yes, it is,” he said honestly. “It’s not creepy, he asked me to do this for him. Kind of.” Kai frowned, turning away from the computer to look at Yeonjun. “Okay, I offered, but he’s really excited about it. I should be taking it seriously.”

“Did he tell you that?” Yeonjun asked, genuinely interested. 

Kai turned away again. He’d been overcome with a sudden guilt. It itched the palms of his hands and made the back of his neck heat up. 

“No, but I overheard it.” 

Yeonjun said nothing. Kai looked around the store as if there was anyone around who cared enough to eavesdrop. 

Kai sighed, turning back to his work at his computer. “Long story short, I can pretty much hear all of his thoughts. So.” He shrugged. 

When Yeonjun still said nothing, Kai turned his head to peek at him, ready to be laughed at. But all Yeonjun did was frown, confused as he processed Kai’s words. 

“What? Like Saiki K?” 

Kai nearly laughed. “How do you know what that is?”

“Hey, I know things!” He crossed his arms, his lips forming into a pout as he spoke. “Soobin showed me.” 

Kai smiled, but it faded quickly. “Yeah, sort of like that. But only with him. I don’t know. I just woke up one day and…” 

Yeonjun stared at him for a long time, but he didn’t feel judged. Yeonjun was soft despite himself. More childish than anyone Kai knew, but he was sure that if he could read his mind, he’d grow dizzy from the number of thoughts he kept to himself. 

“I’m not going to think about that too hard,” Yeonjun said. “But if it is true, don’t you think you should tell him about it?”

Kai leaned forward onto the counter, resting his head into his arms, cradling himself. Hiding. Hiding from his guilt, the truth. “I know. I know I should, but it’s kind of… I should feel worse about it than I do. But I can’t help but use it to my advantage.” 

“That’s not how you get close to people. You shouldn’t be– That’s just not the right way. It’s unfair to him.”

Kai knew that. Beomgyu had told him the same thing. He’d been turning it over in his mind for weeks now. It wasn’t as if he could help it. He couldn’t turn it off, and Taehyun’s thoughts came to him against his will. Was it really his fault? 

“Should I tell him about it then?” he asked, his voice quiet, his lips pinched down into a frown. 

Yeonjun thought for a long time. “I think that’s up to you.” 

જ⁀➴ ♡

The bench at the park was cold under his legs, chilling him through his jeans and freezing his nerves in his chest. His hands fiddled together in the pocket of his hoodie as he waited, watching women on their morning jogs run past and the ducks swim in circles in the pond. 

He’d have to tell Taehyun eventually. That’s what they’d told him, but was it so bad to keep it for himself a little longer?

There he is.

Taehyun’s hand came up behind him, shaking him on the shoulders. “Boo!”

Kai didn’t flinch, having heard his thoughts from a few paces away. He was more eased by the touch, melting under his hand as it shook him once before disappearing. The touches were something he’d been dreaming about since that day in his room. A seed of thought had been planted. Hands, arms, limbs, legs. Lips. 

He wasn’t sure what was holding him back.

“Aw,” Taehyun complained, smiling. “I didn’t get you?”

“Nothing much can scare me,” he replied, smiling back as Taehyun slid into the bench beside him. He was wearing his tall boots again, with a coat too thick for the dwindling winter weather. It was nearly spring.

“I brought you this.” He held out a paper bag, his hand slightly trembling. His nerves matched Kai’s.

I should have asked beforehand. I just got too excited when he asked to hang out.

His eyes squeezed, and it took a moment for him to recover from the cuteness. “What is it?” He asked, taking the bag and looking inside. 

“I hope you like churros. I just… wanted to bring something.”

“I do,” Kai said, mid-bite. “I actually brought you something too.” 

Kai used one hand to pull out his earbuds and then a few unopened packs of Pokémon cards. His ears started to heat up as he put them on display. “Um. It’s just that sometimes I like to come here and listen to music while I complete my puzzles. Even in the winter, the view is really pretty.”

They both turned over to the pond. Kai liked to feed the ducks sometimes. There was an older man who came by just as often as he did, and sometimes they fed them together. It was sort of healing. Nothing was expected of him there at the park. Nobody came looking. 

“We can’t really do a puzzle together without it getting a little chaotic, so I thought we could open these together. And just… sit?”

Taehyun said nothing as he looked at him, his eyes wide and almost as clear as the cold pond water in front of them. Oh. He’s… 

“Sorry if that’s boring,” Kai said, nearly ready to take it all back. He didn’t know much about what Taehyun liked to do in his free time. Maybe Taehyun could pick where they go next time. If he wanted to. Kai simply had the urge to share this. The bench, the ducks. His Pokémon cards. It seemed to work well last time. 

He thought he could recreate the atmosphere from that day. In his room. Maybe they could press their shoulders together again and warm each other up. Kai had this new fantasy of sharing a scarf with Taehyun. They’d sit on this bench and feed the ducks, and thought spring was patiently waiting around the corner, they could share a striped scarf and press their bodies into one, bridging what their minds had already connected. 

“No, it sounds fun,” Taehyun said. Is everything he does this romantic? Is that just the sort of person he is? “Can I pick the music?”

Kai’s eyes squeezed once again. He had the feeling that it would become a common occurrence around Taehyun. These cuteness attacks. This feeling in his chest. “Of course.”

And so that’s what they did. Kai connected his earbuds to Taehyun’s phone, and they each took one. They kept the volume low so they could still hear the trickle of water, the wind passing through the bare trees, and the sound of each other's voices. They sat with their knees facing each other, their laps pinched together to hold their Pokémon cards as they opened the packs Kai had brought and traded each other for their duplicates. 

Taehyun’s playlist was full of love songs. He wondered if it was For Kai. It was warmer than their body heat mingling together. It was warmer than his fingertips brushing against his as they traded cards and giggles. He felt like a kid again. He wondered if this was what it would’ve been like if he’d known Taehyun back then. If they would be doing this exact thing at recess, after school, in the morning before class began. He almost started to mourn what never was. 

Now that he had Taehyun there, close to him, in his head, he grieved the fact that he hadn’t been there his entire life. He hadn’t known there was something missing in him until that void was filled. Or maybe he had. Maybe that was why he had the itch, the need to win Taehyun over like this for so long. There was that pull in his chest. Like a dog being led on a leash. 

I like him so much. If I had known he was like this, I might’ve talked to him sooner. 

Kai ducked his head, trying to hide from Taehyun’s words. His thoughts. It was almost too much to bear now. He’d heard it countless times. The sweet words, the praises. But sitting so close like this, he could taste them in his own mouth. If he tilted his head up and stretched out his neck, he might’ve been able to feel them, too. Right against Taehyun’s lips, stealing them right out of him.

“I love this song,” Kai said instead of doing such a thing. The Boy by The Smashing Pumpkins.

“Yeah? You mentioned The Smashing Pumpkins before, so…”

“You put them on my playlist?” He smiled, his heart beating out of his chest as his own words. It was a leap. A dare.

So, he did see it. Why didn’t he say anything about it before? Taehyun brought his hands up to his face, seemingly torn between hiding away and reaching out for Kai. His fingers twitched at him, and Kai wanted them in his hair. “You–”

“Can you send it to me?” he asked. “You’ve been playing it the whole time, right? It’s totally my style.”

Taehyun brought his hands down, his entire face flushed red. If Kai didn’t know any better, he’d wonder if his coat was too thick. He’d offer to swap with him despite his own body running hot. Anything to see more of him. 

This is so embarrassing, but he makes it fine somehow. 

“Yeah,” Taehyun said. “And maybe you could teach me how to make it into a CD one day. We could swap mixtapes.”

Kai grinned. “I’d love that.”

Hours passed before Kai walked Taehyun to his car. He offered him a ride, but Kai liked to take the train. It left him time to think.

જ⁀➴ ♡

Kai finished Taehyun’s mixtape soon after that. He carried it around with him for days before mustering up the courage to tell him he was finished with it. It burned a hole in his bag on the morning bus to work, and it was at the forefront of his mind every time he got into Taehyun's car at the end of the day. 

Kai wasn’t the sort who confronted his own feelings very well. He’d make excuses for them, spun stories to explain and justify their reasoning. None of it was real, none of it had any truth to it. 

But this was a long time coming. It was rearing its head at him for months, threatening to break through the more he spoke to Taehyun. The more he heard him and all his thoughts, all his kind words, monologues, and fond memories. 

Was it possible to resist interest in someone when you were sharing a mind like that? When you had access to every one of their thoughts, their feelings? Was it possible not to be curious about Kang Taehyun even without this?

He sort of let time slip away from him. He wasn’t avoiding Taehyun exactly (that was nearly impossible now), but he’d been so caught up in his head that their interactions turned into blurs, bleeding together in his muddled memory. 

He had been interested in him for a long time. It only took this long to realize it. That insatiable itch he had. The urge to win him over, to be liked not by everyone but by him specifically. He’d been doomed from the start. Drawn in by what he thought was a challenge, a mystery, a puzzle to be solved. 

He’d been cheating the entire time. He should probably do this thing right.

He took the honest parts of himself and burned them onto a CD. It wasn’t until Taehyun was driving him home in silence that Kai decided he couldn’t put it off any longer. 

He sat in the passenger seat, his seatbelt strapping him down so he couldn’t run. There was something easier about sitting side by side for a conversation. He wouldn’t have to look him in the eye as he pulled the CD from his bag. He’d decorated the jewel case with shaky handwriting and even shakier drawings. 

Huening Kai’s guide to the Galaxy, Life, the Universe, and Everything. 20 songs. 10 of his all-time favorites, 10 that he thought Taehyun would like. He drew stars around the writing, wonky and shaky and nervous. He’d tried to color them in with a blue highlighter, but it ran dry before he could get them all. 

“I finished your mixtape,” he said. His hands shook as he held it up. Taehyun was parked outside his building. Kai had waited until the last minute to give it to him. There was something else he had to say, but he couldn’t say it. 

“Oh!” Taehyun said, his lips twitching into a smile. He shifted in his seat. My heart is beating so fast. If I’d known, I’d have brought his gift with me… 

“I… Obviously, I put a lot of time into it. So.” He shrugged, looking away as he handed it off to him. “Let me know what you think when you listen to it.” 

“I will.” 

So cute. It’s all decorated. It almost reminds me of his room. I could kiss him.

“Okay! Yeah!” He unfastened his seatbelt, his finger fumbling with the buckle for a second too long. He practically threw himself out of the car, his hands shaking and his chest aching. “Bye!” 

“Oh, bye–”

He hovered by the door, not yet closing it. He tried to take a deep breath, but it came in shaky and uneasy. 

“Kai? Are you okay?” 

He got back in the car, moving before his nerve escaped him. “Yeah, there’s something else.” 

And then he kissed him. 

Kai leaned in over the center console of Taehyun’s car, his knee pressing right against it. He brought his hand to the back of Taehyun’s neck to pull him in to meet in the middle. His skin was warm, and his grown-out hair tickled Kai’s fingers. He’d moved without thinking too much about it. He’d moved without thinking at all, but Taehyun came willingly. 

Taehyun kissed the same way he did everything else. Honest, but with a reserved, held-back nature to it. His fingers clung to the mixtape in his hands, falling to his lap. He must have been squeezing it because the sound of creaking plastic accompanied the beat of his heart. He breathed through his nose, and a small sound escaped him before Kai pulled away. 

Even that short moment was enough. For all the small nothing touches that Kai had been thinking about, the urge to reach out and touch, the moment-long kiss was enough to satiate something in his soul that had been itching, hungry for months.

His lips were parted when they pulled away, and he looked at Kai, dazed. “What?” 

“Okay, bye!” He tumbled out of the car again. “Let me know about the– Yeah.” 

Kai punched in the code to his door quicker than he ever had before. He was sort of riding a high that made everything feel like a dream. The sky was bluer, the grass was greener. Beomgyu’s voice was louder. 

“What’s with that face? You look weird.”

Kai leaned against the front door. It was only then that he could catch his breath. “My life is over, probably.”

Kai shook when there was a knock on the door behind him. He must have made a terrible face because Beomgyu sat up, worried. 

“Is someone chasing you?” 

Kai closed his eyes. “No… that’s just the consequences of my actions.”

Beomgyu stood up. “That’s not making it sound any less scary.” 

Kai took a breath and opened the door. “Hi, Taehyun!” He smiled, all sweet with gums and teeth. 

Taehyun stood there in the doorway, holding his mixtape in his hands. His face was a deep red, and his hair was pointed in every direction as if he’d been running his fingers through it. He didn’t shake. He didn’t shift on his feet. He didn’t look away from Kai when they made eye contact. He stood there, staring, and Kai felt like crumbling. 

The next thing he noticed was that he couldn’t hear what Taehyun was thinking at all. 

Beomgyu stretched his arms above his head. “Oh, yeah. I was just leaving anyway.” He clapped Kai on the shoulder as he walked past. “Good luck, though.” 

And then he was gone. Taehyun stepped aside to let Beomgyu out before Kai gestured for him to come in. 

They stood in the living room together for what felt like hours. Taehyun looked up at him, and Kai looked down at the floor. His palms were sweaty, but he was too nervous to move and wipe them on his jeans. It was so quiet without Taehyun in his head. He’d grown to be a part of him over time. He was still waiting for it. To hear him next to his ear, to get insight into what that expression could mean. He waited to hear a curse, a praise. Anything. 

“It was impossible to just leave after that,” Taehyun said suddenly. 

Kai looked up at him. He felt like a kicked puppy. “I’m really sorry. Do you… Want to sit?”

Taehyun took his offer, sitting down on the couch. Kai sat next to him, a little too close. Their thighs pressed together, but neither of them moved. 

“I’m not upset,” he said, looking forward. 

They sat as if they were in a confessional booth. It was dangerous like this. If Taehyun asked him anything, he would answer honestly. It was hard to lie to clear eyes like his. Hard to lie to someone after you’ve spent weeks listening to their thoughts, listening to nothing but praise they had for you.

“I had something else to tell you,” Kai said, not looking at him. He felt Taehyun’s fingers splay across his knee. He was warm through his jeans, a steady hand grounding him to the conversation. The dreamy high was starting to fade, replaced with nerves and nausea. “I really did, but…”

“Was it important?” Taehyun asked, his hand sliding up from Kai’s knee to his thigh. 

He pressed his legs together while simultaneously moving closer to Taehyun. Their legs were pressed up against one another, Kai’s chest nearly met Taehyun’s shoulder as he twisted to face him. “Um.”

“Is this okay?”

Kai nodded, closing his eyes and kicking himself for being so weak. Taehyun’s hand was just so warm against him, slowly traveling up his thigh to touch anywhere he wanted. His stomach swooped, nerves and excitement mingling into one big mess inside him. 

“Can you tell me?” Taehyun prompted. 

“It’s okay,” Kai confirmed, and opened his eyes when he felt Taehyun puff a laugh against his cheek. 

“I meant the thing you wanted to tell me in the car.”

“Oh!” Kai audibly swallowed, and Taehyun was so close that he was sure he heard it. “Well, it’s kinda… I don’t really know how.” 

Taehyun brought his other hand up to hold the back of Kai’s neck, a mirror of what Kai had done just moments before. It felt like a distant memory now. He was so stuck in this moment, stuck under Taehyun’s hands, his closeness, his warmth against his side. He almost couldn’t remember what it was he had to say. 

“Can you try?” He asked, and he was practically speaking into his mouth. It was almost like he couldn't stay away after he got the OK that Kai was there to be touched. Touched by him. His hands were heavy, not possessive but intentional. He wanted nothing more than to know what he was thinking now. He wondered if Taehyun felt as wound up as he did.

“I’ve been…” Kai turned his head, and Taehyun was breathing into his cheek. He leaned closer, resting the side of his head against his. “I’ve been able to read your mind this whole time.” There it was, out in the open. Ridiculous. Absurd. Honest. “I heard everything you thought about me.” 

Taehyun seemed to startle at his words, taken aback. He pulled his face away from Kai’s, but his hands remained in their places as if they belonged there. “What?”

Kai looked at him. “Your thoughts in the car. In the store, at the restaurant, in my room. I heard them and used them to get closer to you.” 

Taehyun stared at him, his expression unreadable. Kai would have to learn him all over again. He’d have to start from the beginning and learn him without cheat codes. “That’s not what I thought you were going to say at all.”

Kai looked to his lap shamefully. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it! I was just hearing it, and I thought–”

Taehyun was kissing him. He pulled him in with his hand on the back of his neck, and they were kissing again. It was so sudden, so deep and warm that it was his turn to let a small sound escape him. He nearly whimpered, squeaking into Taehyun’s mouth. He brought his hands up to hold onto Taehyun’s shoulders, his fingers twitching against the sleeves of his shirt. If he was satiated before, he was gorged now, greedily pressing his weight into Taehyun until their lips had no room to part.

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Taehyun said into him. Kai could feel his voice echo in the hollow of his chest. He kissed him again. “Ridiculous.” 

“I’m being serious,” Kai said, distracted. 

Taehyun kissed him one last time. “Yeah, I believe you.” 

“Really?”

He smiled. It was a little mean, a little endeared. He looked at Kai as if he knew something he didn’t, and pressed the mixtape into his hand. “Can we listen to this together?”

Kai sat up straight, peeling their shoulders apart from one another. “Together?! Wait, it’s… kind of embarrassing.”

“More embarrassing than telling me you're a mind reader?”

Kai pouted his lips. “Well, I’m not anymore. I think.” 

Taehyun smiled. “Can you play it for me? Please?”

Kai wasn’t going to tell him no. How could he? He stood up, reaching out for Taehyun’s hand. He met him in the middle, letting Kai drag him to his room. He sat on Kai’s bed patiently as Kai messed with his CD player. He connected it to his speakers under his desk, his hands fumbling and his heart hammering. 

He looked to Taehyun, who was looking at him. He was always looking at him. All he did was smile, and there was something new in his eyes. Rather, something clearer. He let himself feel entirely, no longer holding back the interest in his gaze. He let himself smile, lean in as he watched every move Kai made. 

Kai pressed play and sat down next to Taehyun on his bed. He couldn’t look at him as the first song played through. He was warm all over, sweating into his shirt. They didn’t say anything as the CD played. Taehyun leaned into him, pressing against him again and again and again. He grabbed Kai’s hand, bridging it into his lap to toy with as he ducked his head to focus on the music. 

It spoke for them. For a long time, as long as the music played, Kai felt as though Taehyun was in his head again. That maybe they could come to understand each other. Truly. He closed his eyes, feeling Taehyun’s hand in his.

જ⁀➴ ♡

Taehyunie: 

Were you serious about that mind reading stuff 

You: 

completely 

super serious

Taehyunie: 

I need proof 

You: 

um

wellll

yuo called me pretty a lot

you liek my hands 

you kept the papers from my book that i left in your car 

sorry about that btw ㅠㅠ its a bad habit 

Taehyunie: 

Plausible deniability

You could’ve guessed all that 

You:

ik you wanted to kiss me in my room the first time 

oh

what percent is our friendship meter at now btw? 

Taehyunie: 

Wtf 

Okay. 

Okay that’s good enough 

You: 

embarrassed ? ><

sozzz

Taehyunie: 

No 

A little ^///^

I wanted to ask you out but I just had to know first. You looked so serious about it 

Like actually distressed 

You: 

so ur asking me over text -_-

i thought you didn’t like me for the longest time 

don’t i deserve better thsn that

Taehyunie: 

!!!!!

Can I come over?

 I have to give you your gift 

You: 

oh the new puzzle book yayy

okieee ^^

Taehyunie: 

You could read my mind I get it ㅜㅜ let’s pls move on… 

Not mad btw 

I wish we could share a brain actually

Sorry 

weird?

You: 

no

pls come over 

i want to see you 

<3

Taehyunie: 

Omg I’m shaking 

You: 

??? 

hahaha so cute