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Asa woke up with an odd feeling.
Something was off.
Lately, he had gotten used to waking up with Anthony’s arm around him, his legs tangled with his own, or both.
This happened whether in the middle of the night or when he woke up in the morning.
That was the cause of his odd sensation.
There was no entanglement.
He reached behind him and found only emptiness and cold. This meant that Anthony had probably left the bed a while ago.
Asa opened his eyes wide and saw that it was still pitch black, which was even weirder. Anthony must have been very quiet because Asa, a light sleeper, hadn’t noticed anything.
A little worried, he looked around and was relieved to see that Anthony’s clothes were still there. Nevertheless, he decided to get up. After grabbing his robe and slipping on his slippers, he left the bedroom and headed toward the living room.
As soon as he stepped inside, he saw his lover’s silhouette illuminated by the faint glow of streetlights below. Asa was seated in the velvet armchair, slumped over with his arms wrapped around his knees and his head resting on them. Asa didn’t need more light to see that Anthony wasn’t well.
Worried, he approached slowly. Not wanting to startle him, he whispered softly, "Anthony…"
His lover lifted his head and turned his gaze toward him. His expression was so sad that Asa rushed over and knelt before him. Taking Anthony’s clenched hands in his, he asked in a concerned voice, "Anthony, tell me. What’s wrong?"
But his lover shook his head without answering.
Asa said softly, "If you don't want to talk about it, I won't force you. If you want to be alone, I’ll accept that, too."
"That would be better, yes."
Though disappointed, Asa didn't insist; he had to respect Anthony's wishes. With a heavy heart at not being able to help his lover, he began to stand up. However, just as he was about to let go of his lover’s hands, they held him back, and he heard Anthony plead weakly, "Stay…"
Wanting to be sure, he knelt down again to meet his lover’s gaze. Once he was at eye level, he said softly, "Anthony, my dear, you must be clear with me. Whatever your decision is, I will respect it without reservation. Do you want me to stay, or would you rather be left alone?"
Anthony whispered again, this time looking at Asa. "Stay, Please."
Asa nodded and said softly, "Why don't we get comfortable on the couch? I don’t know how much longer my knees can take this."
Anthony nodded before letting himself be led to the couch, where Asa helped him sit down before sitting next to him.
Then, he took Anthony’s hand and asked softly, "Do you want to talk about it?"
Anthony hesitated for a moment, as if torn by an inner conflict, before saying, "Would you just hold me?"
Anthony looked so fragile and vulnerable that nothing could have stopped Asa from granting his request. Without answering, he opened his arms, inviting his lover to snuggle up against his chest, and then closed his arms around him.
He slowly stroked Anthony’s back in a repetitive, soothing motion and occasionally pressed a kiss against his hair.
Suddenly, Anthony whispered hoarsely against his chest, "It was a long time ago. I was twenty. We’d gone out with friends to a gay bar downtown, a discreet place. We laughed and danced and we had that carefree spirit unique to youth, you know?"
Asa hummed softly, listening intently. His hand caressed the back of Anthony’s neck, anchoring him in the present. His heart tightened as he sensed where Anthony’s story was leading.
"When we left, it was late," Anthony continued, lost in his memories. "The sidewalk was plunged into shadow. There were three men. They were waiting for us. I don’t know how to describe that feeling to you. It wasn't just fear. It was the sudden realization that my world had just come crashing down."
He paused, his fingers clenching Asa’s pajamas, then continued, "They surrounded us. They started hurling insults at us. Then, the blows began to rain down. I saw my friend fall to the ground. I was paralyzed. I was young. I had no reflexes, only that pure, cold terror that froze me."
Asa felt his heart clench. The thought of his lover, who always seemed so strong, being so vulnerable and facing such violence sent a chill down his spine.
"What happened next?" Asa asked softly.
"People showed up," Anthony replied, nodding. "Passersby and people coming out of nearby bars. They heard the shouting and intervened right away. The attackers fled before the police arrived. We came out of it okay physically. We had bruises and a few cuts, nothing serious. But..."
He paused and lifted his head, finally meeting Asa’s gaze. "That night, something changed inside me. I realized that if I spent my life in fear and hid, they would have won."
Anthony took a deep breath and his tone changed, becoming firmer though still tinged with vulnerability. "That's where my approach to life comes from: living without apology or censure. I refuse to apologize for existing, for loving, or for being who I am."
Asa remained silent for a moment before kissing his lover's forehead. Then, caressing his cheek, he said softly, "Ever since we started dating, I've often felt like I'm leaning on you. You have a gentle strength that’s comforting and pushes me to be myself. Knowing where that strength comes from makes me lo- admire you even more. You have every reason to be proud of yourself, dearest, because I’m very proud of you and what you’ve made of that tragic situation."
Anthony leaned against Asa, closed his eyes, and wrapped his arms around his lover’s waist, slipping his hands under Asa’s pajamas to feel his warm skin.
"It was a nightmare from that time that woke me up. It doesn’t happen to me very often anymore, the last time was a year ago. But right now, with the start of the school year, I’m a little anxious, so I think that’s what triggered this nightmare."
He lifted his head and said sheepishly, "Sorry for waking you."
Asa brushed his lover’s hair back and then, keeping his hand on the back of Anthony's neck, he said softly, "Yes, you can be sorry."
"Why do you say it like that?"
Asa replied in a feigned scolding tone. "Because you didn’t wake me up."
"But I didn't want to disturb you."
Asa replied softly, "That's the problem. Not wanting to disturb me. I’d rather you disturb me than be out there alone, trying to manage on your own."
Anthony smiled slightly and replied, "I guess that's one of the things we have to learn together."
Asa nodded then added, "You have the right to lean on me too. In fact, I want you to."
"I promise I'll try. I’m glad you woke up and came to see me."
Asa replied softly, "Me too, my dear," and leaned down to press another long kiss on his lover’s forehead.
When he sat up, he asked, "What do you want to do? Go back to bed? Or would you like to do something else?"
Anthony replied, "I'd like to go back to bed, but I'm afraid I'll fall asleep again and have the nightmare. Could we stay here?"
"As you wish."
Asa leaned back and settled Anthony so that he could lie down on the couch and rest his head in his lap. Asa tucked the blanket around his lover, ran his fingers through his hair, and began to gently stroke his head.
After a few moments, Anthony hummed contentedly and smiled. "You know, my angel, if you keep this up, I'm going to fall asleep."
Asa asked softly, "Would that be so terrible?"
Anthony curled up a little and replied, "I just don't want to have that nightmare again."
Asa leaned down and kissed his lover's forehead. "What if I stay awake to wake you up if you have a nightmare?"
"Would you do that for me?"
Asa replied tenderly. "That and much more. So, if you feel sleep overtaking you, don’t fight it. I’m here."
As he spoke, Asa continued his light, hypnotic caresses. Anthony, no longer struggling, gradually let himself be carried away by sleep, trusting that Asa would be there to ward off the nightmares.