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BB-8 and Squirrel-Poe eyed each other suspiciously for a full minute. Then BeeBee turned its dome to Finn, back to the squirrel and then back to Finn. [You have to be shitting me.]
“Bee! Language,” both Finn and the squirrel yelled.
Bee turned back to the small creature and rolled a bit closer. [Poe?]
“Yeah, buddy, I know,” Poe chittered. He scampered up to the droid and put his tiny squirrely hand on it. “Don’t worry,” he said.
Bee turned its dome to Finn. [Can you understand it?]
“No,” Finn sighed. “How about you? Any chance you can decipher squirrel speak?”
If droids could huff, Bee was huffing. [Not likely.]
“What about Threepeio,” Finn asked.
“NO,” barked Poe. “Please not Threepeio.”
Finn tried to hide his amusement. “Even if he can tell us what you’re saying?”
Squirrel-Poe rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he said. Squeak.
[I think that means it’s in.] Bee said.
“Yeah,” Finn said. “Let’s see if we can find Threepeio.” He started to offer his arm to Squirrel-Poe, but instead watched as the rodent scampered up to the top of Bee’s dome.
“This okay,” Poe squeaked.
Bee froze. [What is it doing?]
“It? It,” Poe asked the droid. “Since when am I an it?” He kicked the droid with his little squirrely foot.
“I think he wants to ride on you, Bee,” Finn said. “And I don’t think he likes being called it.”
[Moof-milker calls me it. The designation doesn’t bother me. Poe is being overly sensitive.]
“Yeah, well, he has been turned into a squirrel.”
Bee continued, [Of course, Poe is always overly sensitive.]
“Hey,” Poe barked. “You know I can hear you, right? I may be a rodent, but I can still hear!”
“I think you hurt his feelings, Bee,” Finn said, trying not to laugh at the spectacle of an angry squirrel perched atop an annoyed droid.
[That just proves my point.]
“Am I going to have to separate you two,” Finn asked in a chuckle.
“I’m glad you find this so funny, Finn,” Poe squeaked.
[I can behave if the squirrel can.]
Finn raised an eyebrow at Squirrel-Poe.
“Fine,” Poe barked.
“Good. Now, let’s go find Threepio.”
Keeping your balance on two human legs is one thing. Keeping your balance on two newly-acquired squirrel legs is something else, and trying to keep your balance on top of a rolling droid is nearly impossible.
Poe started screaming almost immediately.
“Woah, woah, woah,” Finn said. “Bee, I think you’re gonna have to take it slow.” The poor squirrel had extended its arms and legs and was grabbing at the droid’s dome. Poe looked like he was going to be sick.
[This is my usual speed.]
“I know, Bee, but Poe hasn’t quite gotten his sea legs yet, so to speak.”
[Fine.] BB-8 started rolling forward more slowly. [That better?]
The squirrel was still holding on for dear life, but it didn’t look quite as terrified.
“Yeah, I think we’re good.”
As soon as they reached command and found Threepio, Squirrel-Poe jumped off BB-8. He swayed, dizzy, for a moment before Finn scooped him up. “Sorry, little buddy,” he whispered, stroking Poe’s head.
“Master Finn! How may I be of service?” Threepio said.
“We were wondering if you might be able to decipher Poe’s squirrel speech.”
“Hmmmmm,” Threepio said. “Could the Commander say something?”
Finn looked to Poe, who straightened up and began, “Hi Threepio. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be saying, so even if you can understand me, this probably isn’t going to make any sense. And, how long am I supposed to talk, like do I need to do it for a while so you can calibrate or something, or will you be able to tell immediately? And what would squirrel programming look like? Where would it come in useful, I’m wondering? Like, are there planets with vast squirrel armies that we could train? Or is it more—”
“That will be quite enough, Commander.” The droid turned to Finn. “Unfortunately, squirrel is a bit out of my range, and it doesn’t match up with any of my other languages.” Threepio turned back to Poe. “I’m sorry, Commander.”
“Yeah, it was a longshot,” Poe said, curling up on Finn’s hand.
“Thanks anyway,” Finn said.
[So now what?] BB-8 asked.
“We do the best we can,” Finn said. He pulled Poe up to look him in the eye. “Don’t worry. We’ll have you back to human form in no time.” He kissed the top of Squirrel-Poe’s head. Poe squirrel-giggled. Finn rubbed his lips on Poe’s fur.
[Oh please.] BB-said, [Kill me now.]
# # # #
A few hours later, Finn placed Squirrel-Poe on top of BB-8’s dome. “You two play nice for a few minutes. I need to talk to the General.” He ran towards the center of command where Leia was currently talking to Admirals Statura and Ackbar.
When it was clear that Finn was going to be a few minutes, BB-8 started rolling towards the back of the room.
“Where are we going,” Poe asked, trying to look back towards Finn, who was so engrossed in his conversation that he didn’t see the squirrel-napping taking place. “Bee?”
[Stop squawking, Poe.]
“Oh if you don’t think we’re going to have a conversation about your attitude when I’m human again, then… Woah, slow down!”
Bee zoomed up to a technician. [Commander Dameron has ordered an upgrade to my welding torch and an oil bath. Immediately.]
“I didn’t say that,” Poe barked.
“You can understand him,” the tech asked.
[Of course! That’s why I’m here. He wants me in top shape if I’m going to be rolling around doing his translating.]
“You’re gonna be rolling off a cliff when I get my voice back, Bee!”
“He doesn’t seem too happy,” the tech said.
[He’s wondering why it’s taking you so long to follow orders.]
“I swear, Bee, when I get turned back into—”
“Hey, what’s going on here,” Finn asked jogging up.
“Finn! Would you kindly kick this droid in its cute little droid ass?” Poe put his squirrel hands on his hips.
Finn looked from the ranting squirrel to the tech. He raised an eyebrow.
“The droid said Dameron wanted some upgrades and an oil bath for this BB unit?”
“Bee,” Finn said. “Can you please not take advantage of the situation?”
Whatever the droid beeped next, Finn was pretty sure it was the droid equivalent of cussing. He picked up Poe off the droid’s head. “If you don’t play nice, we’re going to have to reassign you for a while. I hear that Threepio needs an assistant…”
[You wouldn’t.]
“Ha! Do it, Finn! Do it!” Poe rubbed his tiny squirrel hands together.
“I just might,” Finn said, knowing that he wouldn’t.
[Fine.] BB-8 rolled away.
Finn looked at Squirrel-Poe. “That means you need to play nice too.”
“What did I do?”
Finn smiled. “I’m just saying.” He put the squirrel up on his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go see what’s for dinner.”
# # # #
It took exactly two days for BB-8 to warm to Squirrel-Poe.
And then, it took exactly two more days for Squirrel-Poe to figure out how to ride BB-8’s dome comfortably.
Once that happened, Poe rode around on BB-8 all of the time, and at first, it was cute.
At first.
They’d go zooming down the tarmac or across the hangar, Squirrel-Poe barking out a happy “Wooo-hooo!” Or at least, that’s what Finn figured he was saying. Everyone would laugh watching Poe riding BB-8.
It took exactly two days for it to turn decidedly less cute.
These rides on Bee were supposed to be conducted under Finn’s strict supervision, so that no one got hurt.
But after two days of playing by the rules, Poe and BB-8 made different plans.
Bee started breaking Squirrel-Poe out of Finn’s room for daily romps across the base, and pretty soon, you never knew when the droid and squirrel were going to appear.
Within the space of 24 hours, they’d managed to zoom through the hangar, nearly causing Karé to fall off her ship. They’d terrorized the halls near med bay and were actually, according to one report, chased out by a broom-wielding Dr. Kalonia. Kaydel dropped a stack of datapads diving for cover as the duo whizzed past her, and by the time Finn found Jess, she was simply muttering under her breath about taking the droid and its master out.
Finn tried to smooth things over. Because as it was BeeBee and Poe had gotten themselves banned from the mess, and he was fairly certain that a few members of Stiletto Squadron were planning an ambush if Bee and Poe rolled past them again. Plus, Jessika’s muttering was alarming.
Finn changed the code to his quarters. He forbade BB-8 to take Poe out. He deliberately found jobs for Bee to do to keep him away. Nothing worked.
After the second day of running around base apologizing for Poe’s and Bee’s behavior, Finn settled into bed with a sigh. “Poe, you know that these little outings with Bee have to stop.”
“Why?”
“No, don’t why me, Poe.”
“How did you know that’s what I said?”
“I guessed, you damn squirrel, just like I’m guessing now.” Finn rolled over and pushed himself up onto his elbows. “Now listen, Poe. I know that it’s frustrating being a squirrel, but you have officially taken adrenaline junkie to a whole new level. And Bee is the worst kind of enabler. This has to stop. Before someone—and by someone, I mean you—gets hurt.” He leaned in. “Understood?”
“Fine,” Poe huffed out. Squeak. “Understood.” Squeak-squeak.
“Good,” Finn said, rolling back over and settling himself. “I promise, we’ll figure this thing out, Poe. Just be patient.”
# # # #
The next day, it took Bee less than three minutes to break the new code.
“Bee,” Poe squeaked happily as the droid rolled into the room. He scampered down and started up the droid’s dome before having a momentary pang of guilt. “Maybe we should take it easy today,” he squeaked.
[Ready?]
Poe didn’t answer.
[Poe, are you ready?]
I told Finn I wouldn’t.
[Poe?]
Squirrel-Poe looked around the room. But the alternative is wait here all day for him to get back.
[Poe?]
Uragh! I'm a terrible person... No, Squirrel-Poe smirked. Right now, I'm a terrible squirrel. “Let’s go,” Poe squeaked. BB-8 took off.
# # # #
To understand how Snap ended up with a flying squirrel on his face, there are three things you have to know.
One, Finn came back to his quarters to discover Squirrel-Poe missing at precisely the same moment he heard someone two halls over yell, “Hey, watch it!”
“BEEBEE-ATE,” Finn screamed. “You and Poe better hope you’re faster than me!”
Two, while the General had been trying to give Poe a long leash, as it were, the reports were piling up. Finn had already called her out to the hangar to talk Poe down from his nest, but within the last two days, she’d also had Jess, Karé, Kaydel, Dr. Kalonia, and the mess hall staff all come traipsing through her office with squirrel-related complaints.
She was on her way now to have a talk with her Squirrel-Commander when she heard a yelp and a clang as someone dropped something to the floor. “Damn droid,” she heard someone yell.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she opened them and started following the commotion.
Three, Jess was lying in wait. BB-8 and Poe had managed to make her nick her ship yesterday, and there were some things that warranted payback, commander or no commander.
None of those things had anything to do with Snap. But it was Snap, who was sitting on a crate in the hangar, minding his own business, who got the worst of it.
Poor Snap was at the wrong place at the wrong time…
Finn was chasing BeeBee and Poe into the hangar from the west. Leia was following the sounds of havoc and entering from the east, and Jessika’s squirrel trap was set to the south.
Snap, who was sitting to the north of the group, saw it all happen as if it were in slow-motion.
BB-8 with a squirrel riding on its head rolled into the hangar, Finn fast on its heels. Leia walked in, blocking Bee’s exit so the droid turned abruptly. The squirrel squawked and nearly fell off Bee’s dome. Just as the droid picked up some speed, Jess jumped out from her hiding place. Bee froze and jerked its dome backward and Poe went flying—straight into Snap’s face.
For a moment, everything went quiet.
Then, Snap peeled his commander off himself. “You okay, Poe?”
The squirrel looked dazed, but Snap could swear it was smiling. It nodded and then shrank into Snap’s hands.
The cacophony of voices yelling at BB-8 and Poe was near deafening.
“Hey,” Snap yelled. “For what it’s worth, he’s okay.”
The three others came over, each with a scowl set on their face, and stared down at Squirrel-Poe.
“Sorry,” he squeaked.
“I don’t think that’s gonna cut it, Poe,” Snap said.
The General turned to BB-8. “You are banned from Finn’s room unless he is present, and you are not to fraternize with Poe without Finn’s express permission. Is that understood?”
[Yes, ma’am.] the droid beeped sadly.
She bent down to address Poe. “You heard that. No fraternizing with Bee unless Finn gives you permission, and you are to stay in Finn’s room unless he says otherwise. Understood?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Poe said.
Leia had to fight not to smirk. That damn squirrel is too cute. She turned on her heel and walked away.
Jess crossed her arms in front of her. “When you’re better, Poe, you’re paying me back for my ship.” She stormed back across the hangar.
Finn looked down at the squirrel in Snap’s hand. It looked expectantly at him. It opened its mouth. “No,” Finn said. “Not another word.” He shook his head. “Just come here. We’re going back to my quarters.”
Squirrel-Poe climbed onto Finn’s hand, shooting a sad look back at Snap.
“Sorry, buddy, but you kinda did this to yourself.”
Poe sighed and rode back to Finn’s room in silence.
# # # #
Several hours later, Finn stood in the doorway with a smirk on his face. “Yes?”
He knew that BB-8 couldn’t really emote in the same way humans could, but it certainly looked like it was hanging its head.
[Sorry.]
“Why?”
[What?]
“Why are you sorry? Are you sorry because you could’ve gotten Poe killed, or are you sorry that you got caught?” Finn leaned back towards his bed and to the squirrel curled up on his pillow. “That goes for you too, mister.”
[I’m sorry for endangering Poe and for making you and the General and Jessika mad.]
“I’m pretty sure that Dr. Kalonia and Karé are pissed too. And I hope that you go apologize to all of them as well.”
The droid actually sighed.
Finn felt his heart melt. “Oh, just come in already, Bee.” He stepped aside and BB-8 rolled in.
[Hi, Poe.]
“Hey Bee,” Squirrel-Poe said.
[Sorry.]
“Me too, buddy.”
Finn watched them and then shook his head. Bee was bad enough—it was cute and precocious, and it knew it was cute and precocious and as a result, it could damn near get away with murder. Plus, somehow Poe’s charm was magnified as a squirrel. It’s too much adorable all in one place, especially now that they’re all penitent.
Finn walked over to the bed. “Poe and I were just about to go to sleep. You’re welcome to charge in here tonight,” Finn said.
Bee started to roll to the charging dock and stopped. [I’m glad that you are Poe’s soulmate.]
Finn grinned. “Thanks, Bee.”
[He’s been talking about it for months.]
“What,” Finn said.
“Bee,” Poe squeaked. “What the hell?”
Finn looked to the angry rodent on his pillow and then back to the droid. “He’s been talking about me for months?”
[About how much he hoped it was you. About how smart you are and how kind you are and how beautiful you are.]
“You are dead to me, droid!” Squirrel-Poe lunged at Bee.
Finn caught him and turned him around, bringing him up until they were face to face. “You said that?”
“Maybe,” Poe said, refusing to make eye contact.
“What else did he say, Bee?”
[He said you were the bravest person he knew and that he was proud of you.]
Squirrel-Poe started trying to wiggle out of Finn’s hands.
[He also said that you have the best thighs he’s ever seen in his life.]
“I’m going to kill you, Bee,” Poe squeaked.
Finn laughed. “Is that so?” He looked at the rodent in his hands. “Thanks for telling me, Bee. Why don’t you get some rest now?”
[Goodnight, Finn.] BB-8 rolled into its dock.
“Goodnight, Bee.” Finn watched the droid power down. He pulled Squirrel-Poe in closer. “Nice thighs, huh?”
If squirrels could blush, Poe was doing it. He swallowed hard. “I’m never living this down, am I?”
Finn whispered, “Well, I think you have just about the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen. That crinkly thing they do? Sometimes it’s hard to think when they get all crinkly.”
“Really?” Poe squeaked.
Finn chuckled. “Yeah, and when you’re human again, I look forward to staring into those pretty eyes of yours for a long, long time.” He kissed the top of the squirrel’s head. “But for now, get some sleep.” He settled Poe on his pillow.
Once Finn’s head hit the pillow, Poe moved in to snuggle close.
“Goodnight, Poe.”
“Goodnight, Finn,” Squirrel-Poe squeaked. “I love you.”
Somehow Finn just knew. “Love you too, Dameron.” He reached up and stroked Poe’s fur. “Love you, too.”