Work Text:
I could not process what was happening. The past few days, my mind was running horribly, disgustingly wrong. I thought I was sick, that this was all a hallucination, but I kept being affirmed I was in the best of health. Far too good, even, whatever that meant.
Whether it was psychological or somatic did not change the fact I felt like a blazing hole was being torn through every part of my body.
I lean down out of dizziness, and yelp in shock as I realised I inadverdently slammed my head on my desk.
I could not even control my own body any more!
What was happening to me?
I wait for Mr Rosamund to get back to me. My lovely assistant had been nothing but a lifesaver these past few dreadful days.
Arvid will make a wonderful scientist when he is older.
As Arvid Rosamund steps into my office, I force myself to give a crooked, sickly smile.
"Is everything alright with you, Dr Geiger? You still look somewhat... ill..."
I nod my head, avoiding his uncomfortably direct gaze.
"That sucks. I suppose I will get you more of the medicine? Also, I heard that this program is considering switching to nuclear weapons."
For a brief moment, I am slammed back to my senses. What did he mean, "nuclear"? That's impossible! Only recently did Fermi achieve the first chain reaction! Nuclear warfare is years, even decades away!
"Oh..?" is all my foolish mind is able to stammer out.
"Yes, and some of the British government's warfare departments are discussing how it will he run. It is nicknamed the "tube alloy initiative", or something of the sort. They are saying that you will be the head theorist."
I feel sick. What? There are plenty of other British physicists that would be far better suited for the task. It's bad enough I'm working on weapons at all, but the concept of something so harsh? We will lead to the extinction of our species! Not to mention, I am not British. I was only drafted into weaponry because I happened to be doing research at the University of Oxford, and for reasons I am uncertain of, I was forced to stay.
I despise it here.
I see Arvid turning away, briefly returning with a brown bottle.
"I have your medicine, Dr Geiger."
I mumble a brief thanks.
As I swallow the small portion of the liquid he rationed out for me, a small label on the bottle catches my eye.
I stretch out over my desk and snatch the bottle from him.
He sneers and aggressively turns around.
Diphenylaminechloroarsine, it reads.
That's not medicine at all.
It's a toxin.
Arvid is... poisoning me..?
But why?
While this is a non-lethal toxin, that's why I've been feeling so horrible.
I've been ingesting it every day for an extended period of time now!
It's only a matter of time before I grow so ill I fully lose control of my... I'm not sure. I can't remember. I used to know this! Was it even lose control? Or is it some other symptom? I don't know anymore!
I feel my vision blur and the world around me goes dark.
In my delirium, I hear shouting and I feel moving of some sort, but I am not stable nor conscious enough to decipher what. I hate the feeling of being so out of control. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Abhor, even.
I feel myself surrounded with a substrate thicker than air.
I wake up briefly, unable to move. The world is still dark, and I can see nothing but grey and blue.
I'm in water. My limbs are untethered, and yet immobile. Why? I cannot fathom.
My brain and arms are refusing to link.
I decide it is not worth suffering through a fight I cannot win.
I accept my fate and take the path of least resistance, exhaling.
I let death's gentle embrace surround me, thanking the river for being kind in the end. A gentle death is all I hoped for.
As water invades my lungs, I feel my eyes momentarily going wide, and see nothing but colour. I feel pressure as I sink deeper, but it's peaceful. I think of Copenhagen. I think of Chicago, where I was born and raised. I think of Rongjiang, which was the first city I ever visited on my lecture tour after receiving my degree.
At least I was not in pain, and for the last time, the world goes dark, and it returns to an eternal night.
Silence. It always returns to silence in the end