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Please don't let them take me
Sure there's nothing left to try
I can feel the light shine on my face
Did I disappoint you?
Will they still let me over
If I cross the line?
I think sometimes about how I must've gotten lucky.
There's no other plausible explanation. I should be dead by now. I should have died on Hail Mary, numerous times over.
Instead, I find myself sitting in an Eridian made biodome. The water has been adjusted by Adrian and it finally reached a comfortable temperature. Sun-kissed and ready to splash in.
I find I have no desire to swim in it right now. The artifical moon they managed to create is starting to go up, and soon the stars will shine down on my new home.
It is always lovely to see, but tonight it makes my heart ache with loneliness, nostalgia, some other unknown feelings.
I wish Adrian was here. I'm closer to Rocky, just because of our shared history, but Adrian is always reliable. I could use reliable right now.
I want to lean into their body and feel their claws curl around my waist. I want to be bundled up and treated like I'm not a failure.
I curl my legs tighter to my body. I think about Adrian's low voice. A shiver of arousal runs through me, but it's quickly squashed as I remember why I'm out here and not with my mates inside our home.
The familiar old nightmare.
A sharp prick in my neck. The grass stuck in my sweaty palm. Dirt lodged under my nails. The rainbow that had shined down on us as I desperately screamed like a cornered animal. A fox found by hound dogs. Carl's shiny shoes as he impassively stared down at my struggling.
I still have that fox figurine on my mantle.
I still can't have intimate moments with my mates on my stomach.
My stomach lurches in half remembered fear.
I haven't told them yet how I ended up on Hail Mary, despite it being years for Rocky. I'm always too afraid. Always too cowardly.
I hear the tell-tale clicks of Adrian's claws against the rocky beach. They settle in next to me, giving me enough space to either lean in or move away.
I'm tired of running away.
I turn to Adrian with a weak sob in my throat.
They chirp in alarm, but let me collapse against them as the cries I had been withholding for years come out. Maybe since Stratt came into my classroom and plucked me like an errant weed.
My cries are raw and hurt my throat. I'm sure I'll be embarrased by how loud I am being when I'm done. I'm just grateful the house is sound proofed so Rocky can't hear me.
Adrian cooes at me, bundling me closer with two arms. They rock me the best they can like I am a human child, hushing me with low croons of it's alright, I've got you.
For once, I believe them. They have me. They can withstand the onslaught of my leaky emotions. Have proven it time and time again.
They were always so gentle with me, since the beginning. They must have seen the hollowness I carried in my chest and like recognized like.
They were hollow when the years dragged and Rocky didn't return.
I scratch at the suit around Adrian's carapace, not wanting to scratch my own skin but needing an outlet for these big, awful feelings.
Eventually, as most emotions do, they peter out. My gut clenching sobs turn into hiccups, and those hiccups into sniffles.
Adrian rubs a claw against my hair, and I let myself lean into the feeling of care.
"What happened?" Adrian asks quietly after a moment of rubbing against me.
I shudder. I don't want to explain. But I know I have to.
"Have you ever been made to do something you didn't want to? No matter the cost?"
Adrian's claw stops rubbing in surprise, before it picks back up, slower.
"No… The closest was letting Rocky leave. But I understood the risks. And it was an informed decision."
The silence stretches until it snaps.
"I have." I whisper in shame.
Adrian makes a go on gesture.
I don't think I know how to go on.
I try anyway.
"They asked- told- me to join the mission go save Earth. I didn't want to. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to go. They… They forced me to go. They held me down. They drugged me. It hurt so bad." I moan pitifully.
Once the words start, I find I can't stop. They have been building up in me for far too long.
I clench my hand into a fist and bring it down on to my thigh. The dull ache is a small reprieve, and I lift it again for a harder strike. Before I can however, Adrian stops me.
"Grace hurting self. Bad, bad, bad. Humans bad for what they did." They blurt out at the end, as if tacked on in second thought.
"What? No! I'm the bad one. I'm cowardly, and selfish, and bad."
Adrian chirps angrily at me, their vents huffing at the force of their anger at my self deprecating words.
"Grace not bad! Selfish can be okay. I am selfish and grateful Rocky met you, and I met you. It is instinct, no matter the species, to not want to die."
I look at them wide eyed with my mouth opened. It is not often outside of sex that they become impassioned like this.
Because of me.
Because of what I went through.
"Do… You really think so?" I hesitantly ask, seeking validation.
"You wanted to live." Adrian says, as if it's that simple.
My sore eyes well up with hot tears again.
"I want to live." I correct.
Adrian gives an approximation of a nod, gracefully taking the correction.
"You want to live."
The silence is less heavy this time, before an errant thought crosses my mind. I push my socked foot into the rocky sand in hesitation. I'm sure I know what the answer will be, but I'm still nervous to ask.
"Did I disappoint you?" I blurt out with the rest of my courage.
Adrian turns to look at me. The silence drags on for a little bit. Where Rocky would rush to reassure, Adrian is always careful to think their response over.
"Grace could murder an Eridian and I don't think I could be disappointed."
The answer is so shocking, I let out an involuntary laugh.
"Why would I ever do that?"
Adrian purrs at my laughter. The rub themselves into my side like an overgrown cat. It is warm, and soothing, and familiar now.
"No, Grace, you could never, never, never disappoint me. Disappoint us. Love, love, love Grace."
My face feels hot.
"Love, love, love Adrian, too." I whisper in fond embarrasment. Even now, declarations of love and being cherished aren't the easiest to handle.
I know later I will have to face Rocky and tell him. For this moment, I want to enjoy the stars with Adrian.
There are no cricket noises, no mourning dove calls, or late night toads the way there would have been on earth.
There is no rustling of foliage. Just the whoosh of the artificial waves.
Despite the unnatural silence, my heart beats a steady calmness.
I close my eyes, exhaling for the first time in years.
I want to live.