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Joshua awoke with the ghost of a scream on his lips. His body (was it really his? This body felt different, unknown) trembled ceaselessly as a cool bead of sweat trailed down his back. Josh clumsily pushed himself to sit up in his small bed, causing his head to spin and vision to blur slightly. Where was he? This was not his home in Galilee, that place of warmth and fellowship. This room was cold and dark, and Josh was very much alone. The bed was far too soft to be his own, and outside the streets roared with a cacophony of noise, something mechanical and angry sounding. No, this was not the home that he knew.
As Josh continued to struggle for air, he grasped his chest with his hands. But as soon as his hands grazed the soft cloth covering his chest, a fiery pain shot through them. It felt like the strike of lightning, violent and uncontrolled.
Josh yelled out in pain, curling over his burning hands. Images of sharp, rusted nails and splintering wood flooded his mind. The jeers of soldiers and the sobs of his mother overwhelmed his ears. He felt blood slowly dripping down his temples from the jagged wounds around the crown of his head.
Wrenching his eyes open, Josh stared at his hands, expecting to find nails that mutilated flesh and bone alike, blood that coated his palms so thickly that his skin was hidden from sight. Instead, he saw small, shaking hands held up before him. Rather than bloody, they were clean. Instead of the strong, scarred hands of a carpenter, they were soft and clear.
There were no nails hammered through his palms.
Oh.
Right.
Josh’s breath finally slowed as he refamiliarized himself with his surroundings. This was the apartment he had obtained in Soho after, well, everything. It was unfurnished other than the bed and a small table Aziraphale had lent him from the bookshop. A novel rested atop it, something that Josh had yet to read through. Outside it was dark, but the sky outside the small window was beginning to lighten with the dawn.
Josh took a deep, shaking breath. The air was so unclear here, something he was unused to as the air in Galilee was so clean. He took another breath and closed his eyes, willing his breathing to even out and for his mind to slow in its endless racing.
This was now his home. He, the son of God, mustn’t get so worked up over a nightmare from a time long passed. It happened, he did his duty to humanity, it’s over, and now he is back. It’s fine now, everything is perfectly fine. It wasn’t that big of a deal anyways, just something that had to be done.
With a long exhale, Josh reopened his eyes. His hands still trembled slightly, but much less so than before. They were still clear of metal and blood.
Yet the stinging pain continued.
No longer the lightning strike it was before, but a dull ache deep in his muscle and bone. All evidence of his injuries were erased, but his pain somehow seemed to remain.
How strange.
Sighing, Josh glanced at the glowing digital clock hung on his wall. It read 4:37 am. He didn’t quite understand this new system of keeping time, but he did know that he had agreed to meet Aziraphale and Crowley for tea at 10. He quite liked the unlikely duo and met with them often. He appreciated Aziraphale for his kind nature and Crowley for his immense knowledge of the world. Most importantly, they shared Josh’s love for all humanity, the good and the bad.
So, he always looked forward to their conversations. But this morning, a heavy weight had settled onto Josh’s chest. His heart ached just as much as his seemingly uninjured hands. The memories of his past life weighed heavily on his mind, causing him to feel unfocused and adrift, like a fishing boat caught in a storm. But this time he was unable to simply wave the storm away with his hand as he once did for his friends.
Deciding that it was too late to go back to sleep (and that he was slightly terrified of what he would see if he did), Josh picked up his book from the table and opened it to the first page. Better to do something else than sit with his own spiraling thoughts, he thought. And perhaps he could speak to Aziraphale about it at tea. The angel did seem to adore his books.
***
“Joshua! How lovely to see you, my boy!”
Aziraphale waved excitedly at Josh as he approached the bookshop. In his hand was a well loved novel that he was clearly in the middle of when Josh arrived. He wore his usual coat and vest, but they were now accompanied by a small gold band around his left ring-finger. This brought a small smile to Josh’s face. After everything, he was glad that these two were finally able to be with each other. Alongside this happiness, however, was the smallest glint of envy, and perhaps grief.
After all, his friends had all been lost to time.
The stinging in his hands increased with the thought.
”I am glad to see you too, Aziraphale!” Josh greeted as he forced a smile to return to his lips. No need to worry the angel with his own grievances. He was The Savior after all. People were not meant to worry for him, quite the opposite actually.
”I read the book you lent me,” Josh explained as he entered the bookshop. The warmth and familiarity in the room was palpable and soothing. It reminded Josh of his favorite temple he often visited with his mother. One could feel the love and devotion as soon as they walked through the doors. It was beautiful.
”Did you?” asked Aziraphale, his eyes lighting up. “And how did you like it?”
”Oh, don’t bore the boy with your ramblings before he’s even had his tea, angel,” Crowley remarked as he sauntered into the main room of the bookshop. His words were harsh, but the underlying love in the way he spoke was obvious to anyone with ears.
”Well why don’t you get the tea started then Crowley, my dear,” Aziraphale responded with false exasperation. The demon scoffed dramatically, but turned around to walk back to the kitchen and do as he was told.
“I actually enjoyed the book a good deal!” Josh finally responded. “The romance was endearing and the story was very engaging.” It also worked as a great distraction from his own thoughts, but Josh expertly avoided that bit of information.
”Yes, I quite agree!” exclaimed the angel. Aziraphale led them to the couch where they continued discussing the novel and awaited their tea. Apparently, the author had a host of other books Aziraphale highly recommended and offered to loan to Josh. The brunette laughed when appropriate and added to the conversation when needed. As much as he adored his time with Aziraphale and Crowley in this shop, he could not seem to keep his mind from wandering to his memories from the night before and the pain in his hands. He began to wring his hands, hoping to maybe alleviate the pain that had seeped so deeply into them. But his attempts were in vain. His right thumb ran directly over where there should have been a nail in his skin, causing him to shiver slightly.
”Oh, I forgot to mention!” Aziraphale exclaimed, startling Josh out of his thoughts, causing him to jump. “We asked Adam to join us this morning, seeing as Crowley and I haven’t seen him in quite some time. Is that alright?”
Josh had met Adam once or twice. He was kind, if not a little, well, sassy. His eyes were sharp, like they contained the knowledge of the whole universe. However, they were not mean or violent like those of his father. As far as Josh could tell, Adam seemed to have a fierce mind and wit. In all honesty, he intimidated Josh ever so slightly.
Josh supposed that they were two sides of the same coin, in a way. Both sons of higher beings, sent to earth to perform some kind of duty ordained by their parents. Then somehow found by an angel and a demon, and eventually attempting to choose their own paths in life. Yet Josh thought that they couldn’t have been more different. Adam had this air of confidence surrounding him, something Josh only achieved when telling one of his beloved parables. He was also taller, and quite handsome, not that Josh had paid that close of attention.
”Of course, I’d be glad to see him again,” Josh replied genuinely.
”Splended!” said the angel, relief crossing his face.
Suddenly, there was a weight on Josh’s shoulder, overwhelming his senses and forcing him out of the hold he had finally gotten on the present moment. He could suddenly feel the hands of thousands of people on him. People who wanted to, needed to be saved by him. They grasped at his clothing, pulled at his hair, anything to catch his attention, his healing touch. It was all far too much for Josh to process. He wanted to help them all, truly, but under the immense weight of their need, their Savior could barely breathe.
”All you alright, kid?” Crowley questioned, nonchalance attempting to cover the worry in his voice. He once again patted Josh’s shoulder in what was intended to be a comforting manner.
”Oh, um yes I’m fine,” responded Josh, slowly shifting so that he was no longer in contact with Crowley’s hand. “You just startled me a bit is all.”
Josh knew now that Crowley had meant well. It was just that touch had become almost exhausting for him, after a while.
After a moment of awkward silence where Aziraphale and Crowley seemed to have an entire conversation with only their eyes, there was a loud knock on the door.
Thank God.
Well, thank Mom, Josh guessed.
“Adam!” Aziraphale greeted as he opened the door, “You’ve made it just in time for tea, my boy.”
”Amazing, because I-“ Adam paused as he finally caught sight of Josh, who was at the moment attempting to become invisible. Honestly, he is the son of God. He should be allowed to be invisible at least once. “Oh, hey Jesus.”
“Hi,” Josh responded with a small wave that sent a jolt of pain down his palm to his wrist. He winced slightly as the pain only seemed to worsen as it traveled down his arm. “And I really prefer Joshua.” Yet another thing that had changed in his time away. Even his original name had been lost to time.
”Right,” Adam responded, giving Josh a glare that gave the brunette the impression that the son of Satan could see directly into his soul. It made him shiver as he continued to wring his hands uncomfortably.
To Josh’s great relief, Crowley finally set down the platter of tea and biscuits for everyone to enjoy. Aziraphale and Adam struck up a lively conversation about some philosophical debate or other while Josh tried to use the warmth of his teacup to sooth his hands. His head was beginning to hurt too, phantom thorns scratching at his scalp uncomfortably.
Josh was too distracted by his attempts to smother his pain to notice the taller man glancing his way, curiosity and a hint of worry coloring his features.
Crowley was resting his hand on Aziraphale’s knee, watching the angel with such admiration. Like he hung the moon and the stars, as people nowadays would say. Although, it is worth pointing out that Crowley actually did all of that.
The touch was gentle, undemanding, not asking anything in return. It was simply a show of comfort and affection, something built on love, not need. Not meant to harm in any way.
What a concept.
Josh could feel the clasp of a hand around his wrist. A touch used to restrict his movement as the nail pierced his palm.
Josh took in a shuddering breath, unknowingly drawing Adam’s watchful eye.
His hands stung even more so now. And honestly it was starting to piss Josh off (sorry, Mom) because there were no nails. There were no whips or crowns of thorns. There weren’t even scars or callouses from his work as a carpenter, not a speck of dirt or blood under his fingernails. But the pain was still there, in his hands and in his mind. The same overwhelming feeling of dread and fear that overtook him that fateful day was beginning to overtake him now.
Not even the comfort of returning to his Mother could overpower that.
With his head spinning and breaths coming far quicker than what was healthy, Josh stood abruptly, forcefully placing his half-full teacup on the table.
”Well, I better be off. Places to be, people to inspire and all that. Thank you for the tea, it was lovely.” But before Josh could reach the door, Adam appeared in front of him.
”Let me walk you home?” the taller man asked.
”Oh, I don’t think-“
”What a fantastic idea, Adam!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “You two really should get to know each other better!”
Josh glanced around the room, trying to find any excuse to escape this situation. He just wanted to go back to his apartment and have whatever weird episode he was having there. Not in front of Adam, who is virtually a stranger and a gorgeous stranger, nonetheless. Someone who Josh really didn’t want to be seen by like this. Well he didn’t want to be seen by anyone right then, really.
Crowley, who had removed his sunglasses sometime during tea, managed to catch Josh’s eye. He was trying to seem unbothered, but his posture was more rigid than usual.
“Just let him walk you home, kid.”
Josh let out the smallest of sighs, then turned to face Adam.
”Are you sure it’s not too much trouble?”
”Of course not. Otherwise I wouldn’t have offered, obviously,” said Adam with a smirk.
”Right,” Josh replied with a nod. “Well, let’s get going then.”
The two of them exited the bookshop, Aziraphale shouting at them to be careful on their way out. The Antichrist and the Messiah walked side by side in silence. Josh wouldn’t call it awkward, but it wasn’t the most comfortable either. It could have been their foretold rivalry or the fact that they each represented entirely opposite sides. Or it could have been that the radiating pain in Josh’s hands had been keeping him distracted from trying to form any sort of coherent conversation.
Josh had pulled down the sleeves of his sweater to cover the palms of his hands. He didn’t want Adam to see the scars there and worry for him. It had slipped Josh’s mind that there were no longer scars or wounds to cover.
”Hey,” Adam started, startling Josh out of his trance-like state, “Are your hands ok?”
Josh pulled his hands closer to his chest, as if to protect them. He could feel a pit forming in his stomach, the looming anxiety of the day finally beginning to catch up to him.
”Yes, why wouldn’t they be?” Josh’s hands began to shake once again, the movement making the pain even worse.
”They just seem like they are bothering you today.” Adam began to slow his pace, tuning to face Josh more head on. “Did you get hurt or something?”
Josh stopped and turned to Adam. He had the patience of a saint, but had been known to flip a table or two and right then was starting to feel like one of those times.
”My hands are fine. They were hurt a long time ago but they shouldn’t be hurting anymore.” Realizing what he said, Josh started to backtrack. “Or they don’t hurt anymore, I mean. Either way, don’t worry about it, okay?” Josh attempted to laugh off the other man’s worry, but it sounded strained, even to his own ears. He needed to get back in control of this conversation before everything came crashing down around him. “You know, this actually reminds me of this one story where a fisherman-“
”I don’t want one of your stories, Josh!” Adam interrupted, frustration clear in his tone. “Just let me see your hands so I can help you!”
Adam suddenly grabbed Josh’s right wrist, bringing the brunette’s hand closer for inspection. At the contact, Josh let out a pained yelp and wrenched his hand away forcefully.
”Stop!”
Josh stumbled back with the force of pulling his hand away. Suddenly, he lost his footing, tumbling roughly to the ground. He brought his hands close to his chest, leaning over them protectively on the gritty concrete sidewalk.
Everything came rushing back to him all at once. The harsh hands that held his wrists as the nails were embedded into his skin. The way they tore and bruised his chest, how they mocked him with their crown of thorns. Every square inch of his body burned, from the whip marks on his back to the nails in his feet. He could feel nothing but the blood crusting over his skin, not even the cold wood at his back. His usually clear mind was clouded by agony and something akin to anger. This is how he was meant to save humanity. Through this humiliation and torture. This is what his Mother had planned for him, and yet,
Yehoshua did not want to die.
He did not want to leave his friends.
He wanted his mom.
“-Josh!” a familiar voice yelled out, somewhere at the edge of his half-conscious state. Perhaps it was Simon. The young disciple was always kind to him. But that wasn’t what Simon had called him.
”-have to breathe, please. I’m right here. You are safe, I promise.”
Josh felt someone touch his upper arm gently, but he flinched away.
”Please,” he begged through the tears streaming down his face. “Please don’t touch me, I have nothing left to give.”
”That’s ok, that’s fine I promise. I don’t need anything other than for you to breathe, alright?”
The voice was soothing, like balm over a burn. It brought Josh out of his head enough to realize that he might actually pass out if he didn't take a breath.
Josh’s first breath was weak and stuttering. He couldn’t get enough oxygen into his constricting lungs, causing him to panic further.
”No, no that was good Josh, great start. Try again. Follow me, okay?”
While still keeping its distance, the voice made exaggerated breathing sounds, allowing Josh to attempt to follow along. Every time he would fail, the voice simply reassured him and began again.
It might have been minutes or days, Josh couldn’t be sure, before his breath finally began to even out and his body ceased its trembling. Josh glanced up to find a very concerned looking Antichrist sitting a foot and a half in front of him.
”Are you back with me?” Adam asked, his gaze searching Josh’s face for any sign of recognition.
Josh nodded in response, not quite trusting his voice.
”Okay, that’s good.” Adam appeared lost for a moment, then seemed to build up the courage to continue. “I’m sorry, I know you didn’t want to be touched before, but would you like a hug now? I promise I don’t want anything other than to make sure that you are okay.”
Josh thought for a moment before nodding slowly. He braced for the overwhelming feelings that always come with touch. But as Adam embraced him, Josh could only feel comforted. The hug was warm. Not constricting, but tight enough to feel secure. There was no desire to be healed or saved. Only the want to hold someone else for the sake of it.
When was the last time Josh had received a touch like this? He remembered a kiss, but even that came with the intent of betrayal. Before that, he wasn’t entirely sure.
Eventually, Josh rested his head on Adam’s shoulder with a sigh of exhaustion.
”Thank you.”
”Of course.” After a moment, Adam continued. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Josh pondered this for a moment. He wanted to explain, but he didn’t really know where to start.
”You can tell it like one of your stories, if you want.”
A story? He could do stories.
”Once, there was a carpenter. He had many friends, a loving mother, and a Mother who had plans for him. One day, one of his friends betrayed him to a group of soldiers who wanted to kill him because of the lessons he had been sharing with the people. These soldiers whipped and mocked him, breaking his spirit and body alike. Finally, they nailed him to a cross. The nails went, um, through his hands and feet.” His voice broke on the last sentence, but Adam just held him tighter. “Anyways it was all okay because the carpenter went back to his Mother, as his job was complete.” Adam scoffed at this, but Josh decided to ignore it. “After a very long time, the carpenter came back, but he was changed. There were no more scars or wounds on his hands. But they still pained him. Well, everything sort of pains him right now, but mostly his hands.”
Adam pulled back slightly from the hug, gently cupping Josh’s hands and bringing them between the two of them. One thumb brushed gently over where there should have been a nail, sending a chill down Josh’s spine.
”What you went through was insanely traumatic. It makes total sense that your body or your soul or whatever would still be reeling from that. And don’t go all ‘I’m the Messiah, I can deal with it’ on me. It is okay to feel pain and it is okay to need help.”
Josh turned his head away as tears once again welled in his eyes. “I don’t understand why I have to go through this a second time. I thought I was done when I was crucified. Instead I am forced to relive every agonizing detail in my own mind.”
”Yeah, I know you’re pretty new to the 21st century and all, but that is like, a thing. It is a conversation for another day, but it is definitely something we can get you help with, I promise.”
”But I-“
”What did we say about the accepting help thing? And by the way, your ‘Mom’ or God or whoever she is to you shouldn’t have put you through that either.” Adam’s eyes seemed to light up with something other than worry then. Something akin to rigorous fury. He quickly shook it off. “Once again, another conversation for another day. Right now, we need to focus on making you feel better. Okay?”
Josh nodded slightly. All this attention on his well being was starting to make him a little dizzy.
“Okay.”
”Great.” Adam stood, gently helping Josh to do the same. “Let’s go back to my place and get you a heating pad and maybe some pain meds. Probably a long nap, too.”
As they stood, Josh took Adam in. His kindness, confidence, and the mischievous glint that lives in his eye. He was so vastly different from his father, undefined by the role he was given at birth. He is not confined by his past.
Is that something that Josh could have too? Freedom from his past, his role, even his all powerful Mother?
Maybe.
All he knew was that he was definitely following Adam back to his place to find out.
“Thank you, Adam.”
A small smile formed on Adam’s face, crinkling the corners of his eyes and chasing the worry from his defined features. He truly was handsome, and exceedingly intriguing. Yes, Josh thought that he would definitely like to get to know Adam better.
“Anytime.”
Adam softly took Josh’s hand, mindful of the place where the nail would be, and began leading him home.
For the first time that day, Josh smiled, and a bit of the weight on his chest lifted.
Maybe he wasn’t as entirely alone here as he thought he was.