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“How did you all fare with Julien? Any concerns?” Azune asks Occtis. Their group had just returned from their travels.
“Well, I'm not going to pretend we all got along the whole time, but he wasn't the only one contributing to that. And we functioned. And we also saw him around Aranessa, and around his fellow soldiers at Castle Torch. You might be surprised. There are actually quite a lot of people who like him, and seem to have his loyalty. Affection, even.”
Maybe that shouldn't be surprising. He has his own people, after all. Mainly he's just relieved to hear he didn't cause any major problems.
There is something else bothering him, though.
Azune goes to find Julien. As he walks up to him -
“Ah. You.” Julien looks up as he is rearranging things in his bags. Not exactly polite, but not combative either.
“You remember who I am this time. That's something.”
Julien exhales as the corner of his mouth twitches. “...yes, very amusing.”
Azune smiles tightly. Without necessarily realizing it he had taken responsibility for making sure everyone was on side, and he had found himself wanting to clarify a part of their previous conversation that had been misunderstood. And now that Julien wasn't merely dozens of minutes past watching his entire house slaughtered, maybe he would be able to hear it fresh without presuming ill intent.
“First I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened to you that night. I don't think I said it then, and I should have.”
Julien looks like he gets whiplash from how fast his head turns in surprise. He blinks and looks back down to tend to his bags.
“And I want to apologize. When we spoke, I clearly did not communicate what I meant very well. I should have known it may have come across as threatening, or gloating, what I said about the past coming back, especially considering the timing, which is not what I meant at all. I meant I would be on your side if that past...does come back.”
Julien looks up again, standing up properly this time, and narrows his eyes warily. “...Why?”
Ah, yes, those monosyllabic communication skills.
“As I said, I was trying to shortcut some trust to get everyone on the same side.”
There's a beat of silence as Julien scrutinizes Azune's face. “Hm. And you are really willing to stand against those you fought alongside, for that?” Julien leans forward a little, his gaze piercing. “If I were to hold you to your promise, you will keep it?”
“I am a man of my word.”
Julien is still looking at him like he's trying to assess how much truth Azune is telling. He looks down quickly as he grabs his things and walks forward. As he passes Azune he pauses and turns his head sideways to look him in the eyes.
“Well perhaps someday we will find out if you are.”
Julien continues walking.
~ - ~
The group had decided on a sort of buddy system for the night for the ones who had a target on their backs, so they would not be alone in the city. Azune had been saddled with Julien. He thinks that there are others who would have been able to handle him better, but somehow, it had happened. And now, they're at a tavern that Julien had taken off to with barely a word to Azune, Azune darting his eyes around checking to see if anyone was noticing Julien in a way that seemed suspicious. He knows Julien is an accomplished fighter and would be pretty capable of taking care of himself, of course, but he's also drinking, and somewhat reckless, and saw his entire palazzo massacred not too long ago, and many of their enemies are considerably more powerful than them...he sighed internally. At least now it seems like his recklessness is just pleasure-seeking rashness, not a potential death wish. Azune supposes that what he saw that night was due to the trauma being very, very fresh, as opposed to being a permanent trait.
Julien throws his head back, finishing his drink, and slams the glass down on the bar. “Well, I need companionship of a different kind. If you are not going to let me go anywhere alone, I guess you will just have to follow me and wait outside the door.” He smirks.
What? Julien is dragging him to yet a second location? How many places is he planning on going to this evening, expecting Azune to follow him around? Azune doesn't feel annoyed at people very often, but it's starting to bubble up now. He tries, in a way that will be fruitless he is sure, to talk a little sense into him, to suggest going to one of their allies' safe locations. With a voice that is very practiced in being controlled, he says, “Julien, risking being seen is really not a good idea -”
“Well are you volunteering?” That ever present smirk on Julien's face gains a more suggestive edge as he cocks his head to the side.
Azune's words catch in his throat as he only manages to look shocked and flustered. Julien was often...unexpected. It threw him.
“I didn't think so. Come.” And without further discussion, Julien turns around and walks out the door.
Does he want to spend the night at a brothel making sure a hedonist noble doesn't get assassinated? Not especially.
Will he do it anyway because he's responsible?
Azune sighs.
~ - ~
He's not as bad as he expected, as an ally to work with. After spending time around Julien now, Azune has noticed some things. His communication is rude sometimes, yes; Azune notices that it's often when he's making a tactical opinion known, or pointing out someone's weakness in a certain strategic area, or making sure he knows what everyone's motivations are for being there. He gets impatient sometimes and makes sure everyone gets moving. But he's not rude all the time. And sometimes he stays quiet. Especially when they have to talk to powerful people in a diplomatic way, he is more than capable of being formal and respectful. It's not quite what he had anticipated based on the few times he had interacted with him.
Azune thinks about the fight the group had gotten into today. He had had to fight with new people, including Julien, which he had felt very wary about, as they didn't know each other very well yet. Julien is a skilled fighter, with a dynamic style full of cocky quips. (Well, he had seen a little of that before, in a very memorable way.) They could all use some practice and experience fighting alongside each other, but they had seemed to be able to coordinate decently enough in a combat setting.
They just might be able to work well together after all. Azune's sense of Julien as a person that needs to be managed starts to fade.
~ - ~
Julien and Azune are in a room at an inn, on the road, as the rest of the group is out eating dinner and has agreed to bring back food later. They had been the most injured in a fight and the group didn't have the reserves for them to fully recover, so they had elected to stay in.
They had spent more time around each other and developed a little more of a rapport. Not quite friendly – Azune isn't sure how long it took Julien to become friendly with someone, or if he would ever be one of those people – but fighting with and sleeping in proximity to a person required a physical vulnerability that built some amount of trust. And Julien hadn't killed anyone in their sleep, and is a very good ally to have in a fight.
Julien pulls out a bottle of wine.
“Where did you even get that?” Azune thinks as he settles down on one of the low beds, scooting so his back rests up straight against the headboard, and then realizes that in his tiredness and injury something that would normally stay in his head had come out of his mouth.
“Ah, do not question my ability to make sure that I have wine.” Julien quirks his brows as he opens it and starts drinking straight from the bottle.
Azune raises his hands and bows his head in a gesture of acquiescence to the declaration.
There is relative silence for awhile as Julien drinks and Azune sits, sometimes closing his eyes, sometimes staring at a random spot on the wall.
“So what do you do for fun? Do you ever have fun? Do you have hobbies?” Julien breaks the quiet and Azune opens his eyes to find Julien's looking at him from one of the other beds.
Azune looks at him blankly. There was always a lot going on, and the stakes always felt high. There wasn't much time for anything else.
Julien seems to read his answer in his face. He throws his legs over the side of the bed and leans forward with incredulity, elbows on knees. “So you really just work all the time and then sit and do nothing and then go to sleep.”
Azune tilts his head. He's a little uncomfortable under the judgment, but he doesn't want to say anything to try to refute it, because it's...not completely inaccurate. And it's also what he is doing right now, so he doubts anything he would say would be very convincing.
“You...really need to learn how to have a good time.” Julien stands up and strides over to Azune, holding out the bottle of wine. Azune looks at Julien and hesitates for a moment, but he doesn't have any more responsibilities for the day, he's in some amount of pain, and it's not like he was doing anything. He doesn't drink very often, but a bit of wine does look inviting right now. He reaches for the offered bottle and takes a swig, then hands it back.
Julien settles himself on the floor, leaning against the side of the bed Azune is sitting on. They start passing the bottle back and forth, talking about the fight that day, and the unfortunate (it always was) situation the group found themselves in at the moment.
After a while of this, Azune is feeling buzzy and more comfortable than usual. Something about his first conversation with Julien crosses his mind, and he speaks contemplatively without thinking too much.
“You know something I said before - I really am jealous of your ability to describe how you feel, and just...say it. I meant it. I...admire it.” Julien looks up at him. Azune starts looking away intermittently, a little more self conscious this time now that he did not have the immediate goal of handling and securing an ally. Azune sighs. “Sometimes I don't know who I am or how I feel. I've been doing things other people wanted me to for...always.” He gestures vaguely in the air. “Sometimes so much of my life feels like...pretend.” Why exactly is he confessing these innermost struggles to Julien of all people?
Julien is now looking at him with an unexpectedly sharp eye. “Thjazi is not your master. And certainly not anymore.” He scoffs unkindly at that last part. “You don't just have to do whatever -” he waves his hand “- you think he wanted of you.”
How did he make that leap? Was it that obvious? “Who said I was talking about Thjazi?” The loyal part of Azune bristles but not only does he have no desire to get into an argument about Thjazi with Julien, he had been feeling his own complexities about the man as of late, which is exactly what had just come out, so he makes no further comment.
“I read between the lines. Or I'm biased. Do something for yourself for once, heh?” His tone is somewhat flippant and matter-of-fact but not cruel. His bluntness could be endearing. At times. Azune is not sure yet if now is one of those times. He's being oddly supportive, in his own way. Julien glances away and takes a sip from the bottle. “I, uh, can partially relate. Being raised to serve and fight since birth, you know.”
“...Ah, right. Of course.” He had forgotten that perhaps they had more in common than they thought. Maybe that was why his buzzed brain had suddenly felt compelled to share. There is a beat as he looks at Julien. “So how do you...do things for yourself?”
Julien's face twitches. “Hm. Well, maybe getting yourself to a place you actually like. For me, Castle Torch. We train hard, but we also drink, and enjoy each other.” - Azune catches the euphemistic meaning there and glances away for a moment - “Enjoy life. Camaraderie and bonding and pleasure...it's important. It's part of building trust for us.” His thoughts seem to drift off a little, a smile almost threatening the corners of his lips.
It sounds like a very different way of living and being than Azune's. “You miss it there?”
“I do. We fight against the darkness partly by enjoying life despite the darkness. A lesson it seems like you could learn, I think.” Azune tilts his head. He's not sure he quite understands the logic. Julien takes a sip from the bottle and huffs out a little laugh. “People actually like me there.” He sighs. “And I like them.”
“We've spent enough time with you now. We like you just fine.” Part of him wants to ask if Julien likes them, but he doesn't.
Julien huffs again and turns to face Azune more, leaning on his forearm on the side of the bed. “Alright, now as an exercise I want you to say something that you think, that is not what someone else told you to think.”
The corner of Azune's mouth twitches. “An exercise? So you're teaching me how to...something?”
“Mm, yes. I am already starting to teach you how to have a good time” he waves the bottle “so while I am doing that I will also teach you how to be an individual person.”
Azune is a little startled but also amused by the brazenness. He reaches out for the bottle.
“Alright,” Azune says. He takes a swig as he tries to think of something to say. It takes a little while. “I don't like cranberry rolls,” he decides on. “Everyone always brings them to every gathering, and sometimes I eat them to be polite, but I don't like them.” That was good.
Julien looks like he is trying to hide a smile behind his hand. “Okay. Sure. Yes. Good. Try something a little more substantial now though. Think a little bigger.”
The request makes Azune's mind go blank. “Hmm.” He takes one more sip then passes the bottle back to Julien, sitting back against the bed again. “This could take a minute.”
“Okay.” Julien shrugs. He rests his back again and toys with the wine bottle. “I can drink while I'm waiting.”
Nothing happens for a few moments.
Then thoughts start to scratch at the edges of his awareness, like thoughts about the mercenary company that dumped him on the street. Evil. Are they who his sister had stayed with? Why she was so gaunt and haunted? Fury. Thoughts about...
No. He's not willing to feel any of those things right now. Or maybe ever. And he's certainly not willing to say any of those half-formed feelings out loud. He fades out of them, putting them back behind their wall.
“I can't think of anything.”
The corner of Julien's lips curls up as he exhales, the side of his face that Azune can see. He turns and says, “Well perhaps you will think of something in the future,” and holds out the bottle in front of him.
Azune accepts it and finishes the last sip.
The door opens as the group walks in and they hear - “Are you being a bad influence on Azune?”
Julien cocks his eyebrow as he turns his head toward the voice. “Not at all. I am being a good influence on Azune.”
In a corner of his mind, Azune can't help but think, ironically, that he might be right.
~ - ~
They sit next to their sleeping companions, keeping keen eyes on the surrounding landscape. It had been a hard, discouraging day.
Julien sighs.
“Well, if my father were here he'd be snidely commenting on my failure. And my mother would be trying to force me to marry and procreate against my will.” His mostly casual, almost joking tone belied the deeper content of what he was saying. There was a moment of silence. “I never felt comfortable around him, actually. He never had anything nice to say, to put it that way.” He snorted, as if recalling memories. “One of the last of a small handful of memories I have of him being 'nice' or supportive or whatever was when I was probably thirteen. And it was because I placed on the podium in a fighting contest.” There is a beat of silence. “It is a good memory though.”
Azune hums thoughtfully in response, surprised by this candor. He thinks vaguely that this information might...explain some things about Julien's personality. He's not sure if he's the best at this, the best person to talk to, the best at being comforting. But in this very rare and delicate situation of Julien opening up about something, casual as his tone may be trying to be, he finds that he doesn't want to mess it up, because he's come to like Julien. “Well,” he decides on carefully, “with all due respect for the dead, it sounds like he was an asshole to you. They both are. You are obviously very accomplished. Whatever he thought can't change that. I'm also pretty sure that parents are supposed to be loving with their children automatically, not having anything to do with just achievements.” He thinks about Hal's gentleness and affection with his children, which he has been lucky enough to be on the receiving end of as well, though sparsely and he was and is still an outsider to it. “I'm sorry for the loss, in any case. It's complex.”
Azune tries to look sideways to Julien without turning his head, to give him the space of not looking at him directly. He can't really see his face, just that he is still. There is a long beat of silence, and Azune is not sure if Julien is going to respond. And then -
“I appreciate that.” And it sounds sincere.
A few minutes later -
“Did you really sleep with Alogar? Thaisha seems to think you did.”
Julien laughs out loud. “Ah, no. I was just lightly suggestive about what I could tell her assumptions were so she might not believe me when I said I didn't. The notion seemed to rile her up so much.” He says brightly and takes in a quick breath. Azune looks over and Julien sees the half amused, half judgmental (for the sake of Thaisha's sanity) look on his face. “There was very little fun I could have during those days. You will not take this away from me.”
Azune can't help but smile a little.
~ - ~
“...yes we could do that, and Azune could go flirt with the guard.” Julien looks him up and down appraisingly. “You should have no problem.” He says matter-of-factly.
Azune recoils a little under the gaze. He feels suddenly under a spotlight, a flush threatening to start crawling up his face.
Julien smirks a little. “Do you have trouble being looked at?” Azune blinks. He doesn't know what to say to that. There is perhaps a shred more shrewdness than Azune would like in Julien's eyes before he turns back to the rest of the group. “Or I can do it.” he says, and they continue to finalize their plan.
...Does he have difficulty being looked at?
Huh. Maybe he does.
~ - ~
Azune is flanked by multiple opponents, and as difficult as he is to hit, he is in trouble, feeling almost at the point of falling unconscious were he to get hit one more time. Julien appears next to him, taking some of the attention of the opponents away, but a few moments later, Julien falls himself.
Azune can only do one thing at a time, so despite of and because of the danger he bends down to put his hand on Julien's chest to heal him back to consciousness as in his periphery he sees a spell from one of his companions fly toward one of the enemies looming over them.
~ - ~
As their new, shuffled groups say their goodbyes and part ways for their next, ever dangerous missions, Julien approaches him and grasps his forearm. “Azune.” There is the slightest softness to his voice, and a speck of something behind his eyes that he is probably trying to hide. Azune reciprocates the touch, wrapping his hand around Julien's forearm as well.
“Don't die.”
Azune feels a small sensation in his chest that he can't identify.
He goes home and goes to bed. Sometimes in these quietest moments while he falls asleep, for some reason the way that Julien had asked for his name for the first time plays in his head., when he'd just barely decided to be an ally. How he had repeated it back after him. Azune. Low pitched, accented, sounding almost....he didn't know. Apologetic, respectful, thankful? Soft... His almost unconscious mind runs through adjectives.
How he'd said it for the first time. And the similar but different way he'd said it today.
He doesn't remember thinking about it by the time he wakes up.