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It hurts.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Wriggling inside of you, trying to get out; it hurts you.
They don't know any of it. You think they don't know. You hope they don't know. Thankfully–thank God–you're largely certain they don't know. Otherwise, they would not look at you with such admiration. The prettiness would not matter, if they knew.
You're a freak. Or, you would be, if you weren't so good at hiding it. Maybe that's what enables you to sneer at the rest of them like that, when they aren't even half as bad as you are. You're superior for the simple reason you're better at pretending to be.
That's what makes Rei so uncomfortable for you. She looks at you like none of that matters, like you aren't so convincing. The first time she ever looked at you like that, eyes boring holes into your skull, you squirmed in your seat so much that your friends wouldn't leave you alone about it. Eventually, they invited you out to a shopping centre. They said they wanted to help you take your mind off of whatever it is that was upsetting you. Which made you happy.
That was, until it was the next day. Only Rei's seconds day of school, and the second day of that deep discomfort turning in your belly. Is this the first time you've ever felt discomfort like that? It must be. No one has ever looked at you like that before, you don't even particularly understand it. All you understand is that she's looking faf too deeply.
You have no idea how to deal with it. You take to not dealing with it at all. Not mentioning it, not talking to her, nothing at all.
Still, the thought of it sticks in your head like sickly-sweet honey. Her eyes. Two searing grey things that you might otherwise think of as pretty. You would have liked to tell her makeup tips, to really draw attention to them, in another life. One where they do not look at you like that. You want to gag, even just thinking of it.
It happens again and again, and again. It almost becomes a guarantee. You will go to school and be looked at like you're nothing special–like you're not even a particularly good pretender–and then you will go home and think of the girl doing the staring. Your friends are beginning to act strangely.
They snap fingers in front of your eyes, try and get your attention, seems deeply disturbed by how disjointed your mannerisms become. They're stuck to your side like insects stuck in a web, all of a sudden. Not that they weren't before, and not that you're not enjoying being fawned over like this, but...
... Well. It's still a little strange. More than a little strange.
Eventually, they must learn of where your discomfort originates from. They must, because Rei suddenly stops looking at you. She shows up to class soaked to the bone in ice water more than once. Admittedly, it puts you a little bit more at ease.
But it doesn't stop hurting. Not as you watch her shiver in the middle of your classroom, no teacher stepping in to send her off or confront your classmates. Your subjects. Your friends. Is it worse, now, to remember she is not the source of the hurt? To remember she is only the source of the discomfort?
It's hard to say. Thankfully, you do not have to say anything about it at all. Rei is, maybe, not the problem, but she is still a problem. A problem that's being fixed.
The other problem still squirms in your belly. Aching to be released. You think, sometimes, you would want to stop pretending if you had let her stare at you a little longer. It's a good thing, that they interrupted when they did. What would you do in another world?
Would you tell her makeup tips? Tell her how to bring out her eyes? Would you share secrets on her, laying on your underside as she looks vaguely disinterested? Secretly amused, still. Would you maybe be able to...
... It's hard to say. Especially because you would just be doing it with her. That's not what you want, at the end of the day. You think. You do like your friends, after all. You like them and you love their admiration for you. They look at you like you're the prettiest thing they've ever seen; moths to the flame, the lot of them.
It hurts.
Rei looks at you suddenly, like she hates you. It's different than before, not that you have yet identified what she was looking at you with before. All you know, even now, is that she saw parts of you you never wanted anyone to see. Maybe you should hate her too.
You don't know why you don't see it coming. Maybe because nobody has ever hit you before. It's different from the usual hurt that radiates within you. It is solid. It hurts. It doesn't sit in your belly–it pulses in the cavern of your skull. Is your nose broken? You think so.
Blood is dripping onto the ground. Your blood, you realise, for Rei has hit you. Over the head. With a chair. You glance up at her, gasping for air. Her expression is unrecognisable, through the blur fuzzed over your eyes. The taste of iron dribbles into your mouth when you don't close it. Dazed, your vision swims.
You try, once, to stand up, and fail to get very far. Both legs buckle under your meager weight, leaving you to fall to the floor again. No one makes any move to help you. In fact, everyone has gone very silent all of a sudden, but you can feel their eyes in your back. You must look pathetic.
It squirms inside of you, curling up tightly. A little worm, deep inside of you. Or no. All of your intestines tangle up together.
Squirm.
Squirm into themselves.
Oh God. Oh, oh, oh–oh God! It hurts, it's never hurt so bad before in your life, you don't know what to do, you–
You vomit onto the floor in front of you. Someone laughs somewhere behind you, though you don't turn to look. You don't feel as if you have the strength. Suddenly, you realise that they are beginning to know.