Work Text:
------------------------------------------------------- < - > -----------------------------------------------
The first time Kaiser saw Isagi Yoichi, it was on television. Before, before he realized what a monster Isagi was, before Kaiser knew that he would cling to him whether Isagi liked it or not, Yoichi was just another enemy to crush.
The first time Kaiser met Isagi Yoichi, he stalked forward and tilted Isagi's chin toward's his (a move that incapacitated many before him), and Yoichi challenged him, and Kaiser felt alive.
Don't disappoint me, new hero.
I'm going to destroy your life.
The first time Kaiser kissed (and fucked) Isagi Yoichi, they were drunk and in Kaiser's hotel room, pulling off each other's clothes with no coordination but fully eager, and after they finished, Isagi whispered against the shell of his ear don't leave me alone in the morning, then fell asleep draped over Kaiser.
The first time Kaiser felt safe was with Isagi Yoichi, past midnight in that same hotel room. Kaiser woke up, panicked I'm choking I'm choking I can't - and he woke up Yoichi, who saw that it was Kaiser and fell asleep, knowing that he was protected. Because of that, Kaiser felt safe as well, and they both drifted off to sleep.
The first time Kaiser realized he was in love, and his first thoughts:
I am never escaping you.
And then:
I will see you in every shade of blue from now on.
------------------------------------------------------- < - > -----------------------------------------------
Michael Kaiser dyes his hair blue and thinks of Yoichi.
His therapist said, in no uncertain terms, that he shouldn’t think about the man who ruined his life, and Kaiser responded that if he could do that, he wouldn’t be in therapy in the first place. "Fair point," Jen responded, and she's only broached the topic a few times since then. She's the only therapist he kept, because everyone else wanted to hear about the star of Bastard München, Isagi Yoichi, and all of the juicy details of their relationship.
Thankfully, Jen seems to have little to no interest in soccer, or is very good at acting as if she doesn't, so Kaiser attended the second meeting, then the third, and fourth, until two years had passed since the fallout and Ness pointed out that he pulls out his hair less, and keeps more than cola in his fridge at any given time. The only habits he keeps from his days playing soccer are rigorous exercise and the hair dye.
So, he thinks of Yoichi when dipping his hair in cobalt, spilling dye over his hair as if trying to drown in it, and wonders what he's doing. Yoichi's last post was a couple days ago, a selfie with that buzzing bee and the little Itoshi. Isagi is laughing, eyes sparkling (does he put fucking glitter on his eyeballs?), mouth agape, and the bee is clutching at his arm while the green-eyed brat is standing over Yoichi protectively, as if Kaiser is going to walk into an izakaya in Japan at that moment when he's in Germany, for God's sake. He's still nursing the wound that Yoichi left. Neither of them have anything to worry about, especially since Yoichi is dating both of them.
Kaiser could've noticed it earlier. He just didn't want to, but to be fair, nearly everyone clings onto Yoichi like a comfort blanket, and it made sense. Yoichi is fun. He's electric, and constantly evolving to every challenge. Hell, Kaiser himself had gotten caught up in it more than once during the Neo Egoist League.
The photo is captioned simply: @rinitoshi @bachirameguru let's do this again sometime!
He places down the phone on the counter, gently, because Jen keeps reminding him that he is not his father and doesn't need to take out his anger on inanimate objects. He's not his father, so he puts the phone down, rinses out every drop of the dye, and screams into the mirror with the sink running, choking himself all the while, and cursing Isagi for making him learn his name and care for the first time in years whether anyone would love him back.
------------------------------------------------------- < - > -----------------------------------------------
Sae came to see him a few days ago. They met up at a dirty, low-class bar that Kaiser had picked solely to dissuade the older Itoshi from trying to meet up with him. His effort was in vain, as Sae did, in fact, meet with Kaiser, even though Kaiser arrived an hour late to miss him.
"Hello, bane of my existence," Kaiser said, gesturing lazily at the bartender for a Diesel. Sae's single gift to him was teaching Kaiser about Diesel, a mix of beer and coke that Yoichi would turn his nose up at.
"Dramatic, much?" Sae sat down next to him, stripping himself of his jacket and nearly placing it down before noticing the layer of sticky residue, and putting it back on.
"I don't even know why you come here anymore. Oh, wait - did Ness force you to?"
Ness is...as Ness as ever, Kaiser supposes. He started dating Yukimiya, which Kaiser hadn't expected but doesn't particularly mind either. He's never spent any time outside of the field with anyone from Blue Lock, or thought about them, except for the obvious exception of Isagi.
Sae scoffs. "I don't need to listen to your puppy. I came here because I wanted to."
Kaiser raises an eyebrow in question, asking Really?
"I came here to see if you saw that Isagi is joining Re Al, and I was worried that you'd self-implode and destroy half the country."
"I see." Kaiser drums his fingers on the table, and notices, again, blue. This is worse, so much worse than the dye, because the blue is Yoichi himself on the TV, smiling at the camera. A complete opposite from his demon king persona on-pitch, but Kaiser always was able to bring out the worst in him.
And, Isagi-san, one of the newscasters is saying, A subject of controversy has been the former striker for Bastard München, Michael Kaiser, and your explosive relationship with him. Is there anything you can tell us about that?
Yoichi looks dead straight at the camera, right at Kaiser, and his heart jumps in anticipation, because maybe Yoichi thinks of him like Kaiser does, and he knows that Kaiser is watching this.
I think, Yoichi says, testing the words out on his tongue, that Michael Kaiser could have had a very fruitful soccer career, and it's a shame that he burnt out.
This was not happening.
He was certainly a talented player, the newscast blabbers, not believing what Yoichi is saying. No one watching, especially not Kaiser himself believes it either.
I mean - his Kaiser Impact? Isagi-san, surely you must agree at least that you and Kaiser-san worked very well together during the Neo Egoist League and on Bastard München for a year after.
Yoichi frowns, probably remembering the countless photos of him and Kaiser that the paparazzi shot during their three month relationship. He probably regrets all of it.
Well, Yoichi says. I wasn't planning on announcing it so soon, but I'm actually engaged to Rin-kun and Meguru.
Dead silence. A woman in the bar applauds, and even though she likely doesn't even know who the people on the screen are, Kaiser wants to upheave her chair and smash the television with his bare fists.
Sae, for the first time since the U20 game, looks shaken.
"Kaiser, you dumbass, don't go after Isagi because he's dating someone other than you - "
"Dating?"
Kaiser hisses the word, hates how the rage builds in his veins and boils like poison in his blood.
"They're fucking engaged, Sae."
Sae, the nonchalant Japanese prodigy, is scared of Kaiser. He's scared of this idiotic, broken man who can't accept that Isagi Yoichi can't love him back.
"Did you know?"
Sae doesn't answer, and Kaiser does what he swore he would never do, not after all this time. He chases Yoichi, the impossible blue, always an inch beyond his reach.
------------------------------------------------------- < - > --------------------------------------------------------
Kaiser taps his foot nervously. There weren't enough seats on the flight, but he convinced (read: intimidated) the employee into finding a vacant seat in economy.
The plane rises, slowly, as if it's trying to stall him.
Hurry up hurry up hurry -
"Would you like some headphones for the ride?"
It's Yoichi. Tilting his head, politely inquisitive, about to ask past Kaiser if he wants a jacket or present Kaiser why he came, eyes and hair as blue as ever.
Kaiser blinks - once, twice, and sees that the man standing in front of him is not, in fact, Yoichi. He's five inches too tall, and his eyes are green, not blue. His hair is swept aside, and Kaiser nearly laughs because this man looks more like Rin Itoshi than his Yoichi.
"No, I'm fine."
He's fine. He's completely fine, he's sure, he insists between gritted teeth while everyone is staring at him during the flight. Kaiser is worn, red-eyed from sleep deprivation and on his fifth caffeinated cola, and he's practically gouging out the fluff in the seat cushion with his fingernails.
It's a long flight to Japan, and Kaiser falls asleep after hours of restlessness. When he dreams, it is of the ocean changing colors, bright aquamarine to navy blue, a deep blue that he is enveloped in like a burial shroud.
------------------------------------------------------- < - > -------------------------------------------------
Kaiser is standing in front of Yoichi's door, for the last time since Yoichi kicked him out. He's on his last legs, barely standing up from the flight, and he thought he saw Yoichi twice more in the immigration line and a few blocks away from Yoichi's house - both times he had ran, pushing away passerby and cornering whichever innocent person who happened to have blue eyes or a stray hair that looked like a sprout.
Both times, Kaiser had apologized, and once, a man gave Kaiser his handkerchief.
"It can't be all that bad, can it? That you would start crying in the middle of the street, well..."
Kaiser was ashamed to admit that at that moment, he might've grabbed the man's arm and pulled him aside, asked him to come back to Germany with him and stay with him for a while to subdue the ache. He had kept the translator earbuds from the NEL, at first to communicate with Yoichi and then because he couldn't bear to throw them away.
However, the man had a wife, who pulled him away, laughing.
"I'm so sorry, Suga-kun just picks up strays all the time. We didn't mean to bother you!"
Kaiser didn't respond. He watched them walk away, transfixed by the man's dark blue shirt.
When will you stop haunting me, Yoichi?
------------------------------------------------------- < - > -------------------------------------------------
It had been the last day of their relationship for Kaiser, and a week after its end for Yoichi.
Yoichi had begged him, pleaded with him to stop calling and texting, told him that they were over and that two broken people can't fix each other, Mihya. It's hurting both of us to stay stagnant, and this isn't even serious for you.
No, Kaiser had thought. It hurts me more to leave, because there is this ache that only the other can fill and I don't understand how you think separation will do anything to satisfy it.
No, Yoichi, you're water and movement, you are constantly adapting and I swear that I'll try to keep up with you, please let me hang on to you for a moment longer.
Yoichi, hold me.
Yoichi, I love you, and I couldn't say it before, but you're the reason that I can love. Only you can make me feel human, so don't cry, please, please -
What he had said:
"Fine," and then added: "Don't come crawling back to me."
Yoichi had watched him leave, eyes as puffy as Kaiser's were now after a fifteen hour flight.
"Mihya," he had said. "I thought you were alone because you were untouchable. Because you were an emperor, cast in gold."
"And then I thought you were alone because no one saw you for who you were, and that everyone else was too stupid to see you for who you are."
"And now?" Kaiser had hoped that Yoichi would apologize, embrace him.
"Now, I think you're alone because you're a fucking asshole."
That was the last time Yoichi had talked to him using his nickname, or his first name, or at all.
------------------------------------------------------- < - > -------------------------------------------------
Kaiser stands in front of Yoichi's door, the flashback to only a few moments ago over, and he is ready to give up every shred of pride he has to get Yoichi back.
He summons the courage to give a single, hesitant knock - but before he can, Yoichi opens the door with Rin by his side, both of them in oversized t-shirts and shorts.
"Yoichi, I want you to come back to me."
There. He's finally said it. He has no dignity left, and asking Yoichi this is the equivalent of getting on his knees and begging.
Yoichi looks at him, stunned.
"And what the fuck makes you think I'd want to go back to you?"
Well, for obvious reasons. Because all of Kaiser's issues stem from his father, and Yoichi should know this, and know that Kaiser never meant any of what he said. Except Yoichi doesn't know this. Right now, Isagi is standing with his boyfriend and literally looking down at the ex who'd been the center of his world for the Neo Egoist League and longer, and he is confused as to why.
This? This is the man who wrecked him, left him high and dry, sobbing in his apartment while Hiori, Kurona, and his other friends from Blue Lock tried to comfort him. Fuck, even Bunny - Bunny, who told Isagi to his face that he hated him came to check in, and Kaiser was off sulking in Germany while Ness babied him.
Rin and Bachira had helped him heal, slowly, and Isagi looked back on his memories (no longer with rose-tinted glasses, no longer trying to justify Kaiser's behavior) and realized that Kaiser had never shown any indication of caring. He clung to Isagi because he needed him, not because he loved him.
Kaiser stared up at Isagi expectantly. Isagi was about to fucking fry Kaiser, to make him feel the guilt for the trauma he had put Isagi through - but Rin spoke.
"You ruined him."
Isagi is shocked, mostly because this is the type of shit he'd expect Kaiser to say, but Rin continues.
"You left Isagi wanting to stop living," and ouch, that does hurt. Isagi remembers that time, but he'd blocked out most of it through compartmentalizing. Still, he does remember that time of his life and it hurts to do so.
"Did you know," Rin says, drawing out each word, and Kaiser starts bracing himself for a death blow. God, he wishes that the accusations were actual physical attacks he could defend again, absorb the pain of and bounce back from, but even more so he wishes that Yoichi would stop looking at him like he deserves this.
"that Bachira and I actually love Isagi? You didn't ruin him for us," Rin clarifies, and fucking hell now the bee is here, buzzing around where he's wanted the least, curling over Isagi and wrapping his arms around Yoichi.
"You didn't love him," Bachira adds. "We do. We care about him."
Isagi finally meets Kaiser's eyes for the first time since this one-sided slaughter started, and Isagi's eyes are shining with tears, and Kaiser hopes that he'll come back this time.
"Just leave, Kaiser."
And with that, Kaiser is left.
Ah. Wrong once again.
This time, Kaiser knows that Isagi will not come back for him, that Yoichi will burn bright and beautiful with his fiancees, then husbands, and Kaiser will fade away into obscurity forever counting the shades of blue.
------------------------------------------------------- < - > --------------------------------------------------------
"So it goes."
- Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut
sorry guys or readers i edited this three times